Archive for February 21st, 2011

On my blog entry entitled Dealing with Judgmental People/Stigma of Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:

Faith- did u ever love your mother? I mean wholeheartedly love her? I did mine. And then she left me to my abusers without a look back. How do I GET OVER SUCH A BETRAYAL? Can I ever love anyone again? ~ Carla

I believe that I loved my mother wholeheartedly when I was first born. Of course, I don’t really remember. I know that I loved her deeply because it took a lot of energy and many years for me to sever my emotional ties with her. Your mother is the first person you love (from the womb), and society bombards us with propaganda about mothers being the go-to person who will always love you even when the rest of the world rejects you. So, in my experience, the betrayal by a mother cuts deeper than any other betrayal that a child experiences.

In fact, there is still a tiny sliver of myself that loves her, even though I cut all personal contact with her in 2003. She sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago in which she said the following:

Each person makes choices, who they want in their lives and who they don’t. You have made your choice not to have me in your life. I respect your choice even if I don’t agree with it. I love you Faith, but I realize that you have made that decision. But I to have made a choice, and that is to let you go. Take care, Mom

Just writing those words makes me want to cry, even though this is what I have wanted for so long. My initial reaction when I read her letter a couple of weeks ago was, “Oh, no!” immediately followed by relief. I then shoved it all aside because I was sick with the vertigo and sinus infection and simply could not deal with her drama. When I have thought about the letter again, I have had neither reaction. Instead, I just see this as another ploy and wonder how long this one will last.

I think the part that still hurts, even after all this time, is her telling me that she chooses to let me go. Why not respect my choice to keep her distance instead of saying, “You have rejected me, so now I choose to reject you?” That leads to me feeling angry at her, and then I just push it all aside again until later. Yes, I know I need to deal with it at some point, but until all sickness has left my house (now the flu is working its way through my family), I am not dealing with her crap.

Once again, I have gone on too long, so I will address the second part of the question tomorrow.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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