On my blog entry entitled Dealing with Judgmental People/Stigma of Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
Faith- did u ever love your mother? I mean wholeheartedly love her? I did mine. And then she left me to my abusers without a look back. How do I GET OVER SUCH A BETRAYAL? Can I ever love anyone again? ~ Carla
I believe that I loved my mother wholeheartedly when I was first born. Of course, I don’t really remember. I know that I loved her deeply because it took a lot of energy and many years for me to sever my emotional ties with her. Your mother is the first person you love (from the womb), and society bombards us with propaganda about mothers being the go-to person who will always love you even when the rest of the world rejects you. So, in my experience, the betrayal by a mother cuts deeper than any other betrayal that a child experiences.
In fact, there is still a tiny sliver of myself that loves her, even though I cut all personal contact with her in 2003. She sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago in which she said the following:
Each person makes choices, who they want in their lives and who they don’t. You have made your choice not to have me in your life. I respect your choice even if I don’t agree with it. I love you Faith, but I realize that you have made that decision. But I to have made a choice, and that is to let you go. Take care, Mom
Just writing those words makes me want to cry, even though this is what I have wanted for so long. My initial reaction when I read her letter a couple of weeks ago was, “Oh, no!” immediately followed by relief. I then shoved it all aside because I was sick with the vertigo and sinus infection and simply could not deal with her drama. When I have thought about the letter again, I have had neither reaction. Instead, I just see this as another ploy and wonder how long this one will last.
I think the part that still hurts, even after all this time, is her telling me that she chooses to let me go. Why not respect my choice to keep her distance instead of saying, “You have rejected me, so now I choose to reject you?” That leads to me feeling angry at her, and then I just push it all aside again until later. Yes, I know I need to deal with it at some point, but until all sickness has left my house (now the flu is working its way through my family), I am not dealing with her crap.
Once again, I have gone on too long, so I will address the second part of the question tomorrow.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Hey Faith,
It’s interesting that you got the flashback that you wrote about yesterday and this recent letter from you mom… I wonder if there is any connection there.
Also, when I read what she wrote to you, I got the feeling it was just a ploy also. Like someone coached her.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling better soon. We all just got done with the flu also. It sucked.
Have a great week,
Peace,
m
Hi Faith,
I’m just so furious with your mother. In fact, I’m just furious with all of our abusers right now. I am just furious today.
I’ve always believed unconditional love could only be given by a biological connection. You could only truly receive unconditional love from your “family”. And I’ve always mourned the fact that I feel I never received unconditional love. I don’t even know if it exists. I shouldn’t say that, I know that it exists in healthy families. Just not mine.
My partner of 10 yrs doesn’t love me unconditionally. He loves his mother unconditionally and allows her to treat me with such disrespect. But it is me that he chooses not to honor and love. Partners can divorce. Friendships can end. My family of origin doesn’t love me unconditionally. I left them when I was 18 and they have never reached out to me. My mother died when I was 11. She was not my abuser, but she enabled my abuse. Did she even love me unconditionally?? I guess this post struck a cord with me today because I feel that mothers “should” love their children unconditionally. Even when you give a child up for adoption, I feel the woman is making the unselfish decision for what is best for the child. But to have your mother to make her decision to “let you go” is just another way she is a disappointment (among the many). You know what, she doesn’t get that choice. She abandoned that choice when she raped you and didn’t protect you. Ugh, she disgusts me.
Sorry, I feel like I’m ranting. I am sorry to say those things about your mother. I meant no disrespect to you. I’m just spewing today.
Hi, AV.
This is more of a side note, but I wanted to address this comment:
“I’ve always believed unconditional love could only be given by a biological connection.”
I am an adoptive mother, and I do love my son unconditionally. So, I know that it is possible. :0)
– Faith
Thanks Faith. That warms my heart to read your comment.
I recognize it is a complete flaw in my thinking. Being estranged from my family, I yearn for unconditional love. On the positive side, through my healing process I am learning I have the gift of choosing my family!! That definition of family is not blood alone.
But there is just something about not having a mother to love me that still hurts me to the core. Even after 24yrs.
Hi, AV.
I went through this, too. I even considered “adopting” a couple to be my “parents.” I have learned that close friends my own age can provide some of the unconditional love that I yearn for from a mother. You are correct, though — there is a lot to grieve when you “lose” a mother (or awaken to the reality that you never really had one in a true sense).
– Faith
If you had asked me 4 months ago, did you ever love your father (he was one of my primary abusers)/mother (I was basically invisible to her) wholeheartedly…I would have said “Yes. I did and I’m still trying not to.” That was until I realized that my “host” ( I have DID) is not the majority of me. It is the part of me that most people see and that was so very good and smart and happy, and went away when pain began. The host part of me loved my biological parents what seemed to be wholeheartedly. But the parts of me that knew about the abuse were terrified and “loved” the dad to appease him and try to be safe (didn’t work). The love my host had was very very very strong, but it wasn’t the whole of me loving the dad or my mother.
I am still in relationship with my mother…my dad is dead. And I realized that I am learning to love her without expectations…not unconditionally, but as a woman who was frozen, weak and let me be brutally and permanently damaged. (i know there is healing but some things can never be repaired).
Does that make any sense or am i talking in circles?
thanks for this post, Faith, I struggle with this.
ruby
Ruby,
I like this: love without expectations…not unconditionally…….there is healing but some things can never be repaired.
This is a great post. I had to cut my out last year, i wrote a letter and she reacted with threats etc. which only served to prove me right. It was painful though to see that she didn’t care about my mental well-being and as usual it was all about her.
Reading what your mother wrote to you cut me inside immediately and I felt sucha moment of kinship and compassion with you.
I think I loved my mother up until I was around six because that’s when she started physically abusing me (the sexual abuse was from an uncle). So yes, I think we do love our mothers naturally at first until they prove unworthy of that love. I completely understnad having a part of you that still loves her. For me it’s more of a grieving that I don’t have a mother like other women and that makes me sad even though she hasn’t been a real mother to me since I was a child.
I’m really glad you wrote this. Actually I’m still thinking about what your mother wrote to you and it makes me angry and I feel pain for you. I’m sorry she did that.
I think it’s one thing to reject a parent, but it’s different when a parent rejects the child (if you are the child).
She is your mother. She will always hold the “Mother” card and she will NOT hesitate to use it, which she has by the words in her letter to you. I believe that mothers hold the ability to do the most harm witht the least amount of effort, just because they are mothers and we all want a mother who is the “perfect” mother. I hope you don’t get the flu and I hope you don’t let your mother’s words drag you down.
i have a question :
does your mother know of and read this blog ?
xxx
Hi, Gracie.
No, my mother does not know about this blog. Only a handful of offline friends (and my sister) know about it, and they would not tell her. She is not a computer person. Also, I use a pen name, so I doubt she would figure it out unless she read my my whole story. Ironically, she would probably think that my stuff (as a “stranger”) relates to her own suffering.
– Faith
Hi Faith,
Thankyou for sharing your journey…. love for an abusive parent is so loaded, isn’t it?? I feel love for my father who’s now ill with cancer, but am really quite relived that he and his family don’t want anything to do with me ‘the crazy liar’ . But there is the sting that they should ‘want’ to see me and apologise, even if I don’t want contact….not altogether rational but there ’tis!! I guess I thought that validation would come one day but it appears not. The part of me that hates injustice struggles with that part of it.
By the way…..You are amazing girl!!
All happiness to you.
Cynthia
Your mothers letter echoed ones my mother/ main abuser sends to me. And as many times as I get these sad/threatening between the lines letters, I gave not desensitize myself to them abd they still cut me deeply. That’s what I felt when I read letter your mother sent you.
*trigger*She brutally abused me way into adulthood, and yet I miss her ( or just a mother figure ?) terribly each day of my life. I stopped loving her ( I think, I hope! After so much that she gas done to me, so much that she has taken away!) I am mourning an anniversary or yet another loss, somebody innocent abd dear to me, who gave been brutally and forever taken away from me just few years ago.
And yet I always doubt myself – lair? If yes, then. … How do we stop loving someone we were designed to love
No, I don’t love her. And yes, some deep part of me wants to love her, believe that mom is always good.
Oh, this is gibberish. I am hurting so much right now I am not making sense. Sorry I wrote anything at all
Btw: I changed my name I usually sign with. I did not know about your trigger and never meant to trigger you. I have read part of youR story only recently and I am so sorry if unintentionally I might have triggered you
Hi, Whoarewe.
You did not trigger me, so don’t worry about it. I am rarely triggered by something that a reader writes. When I took responsibility for moderating comments on this blog, I took responsibility for being prepared for possible triggers. :0)
– Faith
[…] « Did I Ever Wholeheartedly Love My Mother/Abuser? My Process for Healing from Deep Emotional Pain […]
painful journey – u have courage. just pinged your blod on my post today. keep on.
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Hi Faith:
When I think about it, I don’t think I ever loved my mother. Mainly because she did not create a space for me to love her. I do remember times of wanting to be close to her in a normal mother/child way and her violently pushing me away. She couldn’t deal with appropriate closeness. Some of my earliest memories/feelings are filled with an overwhelming hatred for her. I remember one time, I think I was about eight or nine of trying to “poison” her. I have no memory of what happened to proceed this, but I do remember coming back into my body walking to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. She always wanted water after hurting me. I remember putting Palmolive soap into the water. Even today I can see the bubbles because I put to much in. When she saw the water she made me stand in front of her and drink it. I did without blinking.
The only time I remember “loving” her was sometime after the age of 13. But it was something very sick and dependent. She had created an environment where there was nothing but her. I was punished for even looking like I wanted to connect with other people in the world.
So I really don’t think I have every loved my mother. I think babies are born dependent but this isn’t unconditional love. Unconditional love from a child is something that is born and nurtured in atmosphere of love and trust. Love is mirrored.
Thanks Faith for you blog and having the courage to speak.
[…] remember that she sent me a card in February telling me that **she** was letting **me** go. You can read about that here. I had a feeling it wouldn’t last, and it […]