I am going through a phase of feeling very overwhelmed in my life. I have always been a person who needs lots of structure. I need a schedule that I can count on. At this moment, it feels like nothing is safe and secure. I know that a lot of this has to do with the flashbacks and emotions that I have been processing recently, but it is still hard.
Most of what I write about here pertains specifically to the healing process, but one of the realities of healing from child abuse is having to do it while still living your life. Yes, there are a handful of people who do go on hiatus (some to mental hospitals) so they can focus 100% on their healing. However, the majority of us simply cannot or do not do this. To quote a friend, as a wife and mother, I feel like “cracking up is not an option,” so I am always looking for ways to process my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms with minimum impact on the rest of my life.
Even if I had gone on hiatus (and likely should have) during the early months of healing, it is simply not realistic for me to do this forever. That was over seven years ago, and here I am … seven years later … still feeling overwhelmed with my life. I don’t always feel this way, and I am in a much better place than I was seven years ago. However, my reality in this moment is trying not to have a panic attack over having some many areas of my life that seem “unstable” right now.
The irony is that, by most people’s accounts, my life is very stable. I don’t worry about being able to pay my bills. My family is healthy (finally!). My husband’s full-time job is secure, as is my part-time job (although I did have a class canceled, which reduced my workload and paycheck – that is part of my current “freak out”).
The problem is that, for me to “feel safe,” I need to have a plan. I need to know what is going to happen when, and so much in my life is in flux right now. My regular schedule with my part-time job has changed for the first time since 2008. I will begin training for a second part-time job in a week. Summer plans are all up in the air. (I always map out my summer in March, but one very important piece cannot be settled until May.) Two areas of my life in which I feel deeply invested are in flux, and I am involved in trying to get them settled.
None of these things would really bother me if I didn’t have so much swirling around inside of my head thanks to the PTSD. I am finding myself being irrational in some areas of my life in sheer reaction to the perceived instability of my life right now. It is very frustrating.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Oh man, this sounds familiar. From the outside, everything looks stable and calm, but on the inside? That’s a different story.
For trauma survivors with my personality type, I think structure and predictability are essential. The memories and emotions are anything but predictable, no need to add unpredictable life circumstances on top of that if you can avoid it!
When things don’t go as planned, I ask friends for a reality check to see how far off my perceptions are from reality. That helps me ground the adult part of myself, and then I try to be kind to the younger part that is freaking out. They usually have a good reason once I figure it out, and these upheavals help me learn more about them. About us.
Hope you can hang in there until things settle down.
Faith
I have just found your site last night and was reading about your journey of healing. Your sharing is very powerful.
Your post today reflects almost exactly my current dilemma. I am currently off work as I became overwhelmed by flashbacks to the sexual abuse, which included ritual abuse, that I suffered. I got very angry at work and started trying to deal with emotional issues belonging to the past in my relationships there…a mess…
I’ve been off work for a few weeks now and am just trying to decide how to go forward. I am a single mum, I need my job, I couldn’t even get a less stressful job (whatever that may mean) which was for less pay, as I need the amount of pay I am getting to survive and pay off debts. When I got up this morning, I wondered if I would be better off just filing for bankruptcy, living somewhere like with friends, quitting my job – because the need to focus 100% on my healing feels so urgent. Then I thought: but I like having my computer here in the house, and a bit of private space, and the self-esteem my job can lend me for helping others etc. etc.
It’s such a hard balance to strike though. Today I emailed my boss to try to resolve a few work issues so that it will be easier to go back – like, asked if I could have a different manager because my current one is totally overloaded and can’t give me the time I need (I didn’t say this though). Maybe although your cancelled class sounds a small thing, its something you need to deal with before you can focus on the healing you need to do?
I feel like I am only just beginning to deal with what happened to me, I first had memories and a nervous breakdown about 15 years ago. I feel I have been bad to myself by not focusing enough on healing and instead trying to progress my career, earn enough money to rent a place, have a child etc. but it’s not as black-and-white as that really: to have enough independence from my abusive family to be safe I did need to focus on an ‘escape plan’ which in my case meant studying, able to work far away from where I group etc. So trying not to ‘beat myself up’.
I am really happy to have found your blog. I wish I had the courage/ dedication to write one, not yet but perhaps one day.
Have a good day (not meant in a flippant way!)
A x
A x, you are in a really difficult place, especially having a child. I don’t know how Faith does it all, but it must be possible. You sound a little like me… I had some memories trying to surface 15 years ago but I didn’t allow myself to go there because I felt I had to keep it together in order to work. A couple of years ago I got to a point that I was in so much pain that I was not functioning at work anymore – not able to deal with numbers anymore, not able to decide anything, sometimes not even sure if I was right or left handed. I would stare at stacks of papers on my desk and not be able to read them. And I was having body memories while I was on the phone with people, but not knowing that’s what was happening, just wondering if I was crazy. I would hang up and not remember the conversation. My boss was angry and saying I was not worth my paycheck. It was terrible. So I did what you are talking about. I quit and thought I would just find a “mindless” job or a job I could do at my own pace. I decided my healing was more important than my bills or expenses. I thought if I don’t do this now while it is coming up, I will only be putting it off, and end up with more work disasters and more stress. I felt like if I have to eat only rice and beans for a while and lose everything, it will be worth it if I can get better. I still believe that theoretically, but now I’m not so sure that was practically wise. I thought I would feel safer not living alone, and I thought not having as many expenses would take the pressure off having to earn a certain salary. But it is VERY HARD. I have new expenses, such as counseling. Aside from the fact that I have not found even menial work because there are not a lot of jobs and when there are I am told I’m over-qualified (on paper), I never feel secure that my friends I’m staying with will not suddenly give me an ultimatum or say they need their guestroom for company, or whatever. I don’t feel free to cry in my room if I need to when they are home because the whole house can hear, and they have children who ask a lot of questions. I didn’t realize how stressful it would be to share a bathroom, and have panic attacks when I am in the bath and I hear someone running down the hall and they quick try the doorknob. All kinds of things have undermined my FEELING of safety when I made the choice to let go of my job and, as a result, my home /rented house. I expected to be able to heal faster, and so did my friends. Maybe it wasn’t a bad decision, but it certainly hasn’t been less stressful. Sorry I’m going on and on. I just wanted to say I understand how you are feeling desperate to heal and I am sorry for what you are going through, and maybe think about whether you have enough supportive people in your life to help you if you do this. I had no one, and I fled to a new location and am living with a family I met last year. They don’t know me except in this broken state, so it is very hard to feel safe and let go of my fear and what remains of my control of myself. Hopefully you would not be in this kind of situation.
Amy
I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I think it is SO difficult to manage healing alongside any kind of normal life and it sounds as if you are just doing your best to make good choices when it’s really hard to know which ones will work out best. I hope you can get the support you deserve, be that accommodation, private space, financial etc. and also give yourself time to heal, I don’t think it can be rushed (although it can feel so urgent).
I’m still personally in a dilemma over how to manage the balance between deeper healing and day-to-day life and I think I’m going to ask my new therapist about it this week. He has said that a lot of his job with me is ‘containment’ so that I can still function in the day-to-day, because i told him my fears of ‘going mad’ and not being able to look after my son if I am too overwhelmed. I try to have huge faith (Faith!) in my powers to tread this balance in a way that won’t destroy me, and I hope you have that faith too, but it certainly is not at all easy.
A x
Awwwww Faith . . .this sounds so familiar. I agree with what Sarah about how everythign looks stable and calm on the outside, . . . but on the inside that’s a different story.
Just want to let you know I hear you and understrand.
I hope things get better soon.
Kar-Ly
I am right there with you and hoping to learn from your strengths.
Can’t write much other than I am sorry.
I find some comfort in that doing the work necessary to heal is very hard, doing it with the work of living in the now is hard. Some day I will just be doing the work of living in the now.
I liken it to having a stroke that no one acknowledges and expects me to heal from it and keep up with the now. Kinda a intermittent stroke in that it varies in intensity it is always there.
MFF The stroke analogy is excellent. I so wish people understood mental illness and especially PTSD better. If I had a stroke, the help and the time needed to heal would be granted without need for justifying or constantly asking. If I had cancer, people wouldn’t see me smile or carry out a task and then assume I am all better. If I had any physical illness, people would not feel so uncomfortable and communicate shame (unintentionally.)
Thank you, again, for honestly sharing your life and struggles. I began the meltdown/heal process 10 years ago and during the roughest times I used to ache to know or read about someone who had been through this. You can feel so alone or crazy or ridiculous until you hear that others are experiencing the same things as you. So thanks.
I am in the middle of round ?? of this fight. I too am functioning and having to be a parent while dealing with PTSD symptoms. I have a husband and two little ones who are so precious to me and to whom I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. In that, and above that, I seek to honor and glorify God. (Because He deserves it, but made easier by the ways He loves me.)
It sounds like we share some of the same “triggers” in the areas of being organized/planned/in control. I have many unhealthy habits of trying to deal with the symptoms as well, including isolating, eating junk, and cutting. I have found that I constantly have to remind myself of Truth and accept grace and kindness from God, others and myself. And in the mess, just keep going as best I can. Art, scripture, and close friends who understand as well as an incredible counselor, keep me going.
To A x, you are in a very tough spot, being single. There are times, for you and a child’s sake that we must step away from normal life to begin healing. There are other times when it is best for you to have your normal routine and healing work going on at the same time. I have had both situations. A good counselor with experience in what your dealing with should be able to help you work out what is best for you and your family.yyttrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgga
(My one year old finished and sent that comment while I answered the phone. yes – chaos)
Overwhelmed should be my middle name. I understand what you are talking about and its completely understandable that you would be feeling this way at this time.
I remember a post you wrote awhile back where you said that you put yourself first that morning and did your exercise and such and it made such a big difference in your day. I have put that into practice and it makes a big difference for me too. Maybe that would be somewhat helpful at this time. Hang in there. This too shall pass…
I’m sorry I can’t offer practical advice or support. You have such amazing self-awareness that anything ventured would be trite. But I hear what you’re saying, and wish you the strength and know-how to get through.
I’ve only recently discovered your blog and you’ve given me so much by having charted your journey. *thankyou*
Faith, I’ve used this analogy to describe myself:
I view me/my system(s) as very, very tight system(s), much like those rubber band balls. Many, many different colored rubber bands, bound and twisted together, layer after layer. They are pretty tough, you can bounce ’em around, you can peel off a rubber band or two for use and not destroy the remainder of the rubber band ball. But, it can only ‘survive’ minimal disruption (removing one or two bands at a time). If you took a knife to that rubber band ball and cut the rubber bands, rather than peeling them off orderly, then the bands snap and break and burst out flying in all directions – and are of no use whatsoever.
So sometimes, when I’m going through a difficult period, it feels like I am bursting apart in various colors; when, in reality, I’m still working at my job, keeping my home, going to T and progressing through healing.
It is nice to see that you can identify and acknowledge your feelings – you set a good example for me in that regard. Here is hoping that you are able to settle in a bit more soon.
Be well,
wtr
wow Faith, you are spot on! I go through the exact same feelings if I do not have a “plan”. I strive with structure and control. The second I feel I am out of control and don’t have a plan in place to reorganize, I am on shaky ground. Within a matter of days, I can spiral quickly. Just recently I even created a 5 year life plan including goals, etc… Now obviously I know and understand this is subject to change, but as long as I can re-plan and stratagize along with it, I’ll be fine. For now, it gives me a HUGE sense of security and control. It’s nice to know other survivors feel the same way, for a long time I was just labeled control freak, list planner, type A personality, etc..
Sending calming energy.
Peace,
mia
Faith, thanks for taking the time to write this blog even though you are so busy and so overwhelmed. It helps so much to read about your “real life” day to day and know that you have a pattern of coming out the other side of these times with more truth, more health and more strength. As weak and low as you may feel today, you are persevering, which makes you an inspiration.
I absolutely get ‘the needing a plan’ thing. If something unanticipated happens to disrupt my schedule or plans, I freak out. People who know me, know that they should never mess with plans I make for get-togthers or nights out or whatever because I will lose it. Maybe it’s a control thing or a matter of having something you can count on since abuse changes that as a kid. Now, as adults we try to have some kind of order and plans etc. and we know what to expect which can be comforting. Anyway that’s my little thought.
I’m sorry you’re having this upheaval and I hope things calm down for you. I want to add my thanks for you writing despite what’s happening. Hang in there.
When I read of all the struggles you have as your memories open up and you face them, I get very anxious. I am married to a man who doesn’t understand (or doesn’t want to understand) the reason to go forward in trying to bring peace to the parts of me that live in terror. I think there are large areas of pain in his own life that he keeps locked away. I believe that he is threatened by what I’m doing.
Like many of you, I am pretty good at keeping things in hiding from those around me. They are very aware of the depression that has affected me for as long as I can remember, but don’t understand dissociation of emotional states. I was myself very skeptical of it and worried about false memories for years, which held me back, while I suffered from very deep depression.
As I become more ready to face the painful areas, and now acknowledge that there are parts of me I was unaware of, I get scared of trying to face it with only my counselor, and a friend who understands. I worry about my struggle bleeding over into my work life as a teacher, and into my relationship with my husband. How have you dealt with this situation? I want to find some peace for myself.
Hi, Barbara.
In my early years of healing, I relied on my therapist (T), one good friend, and the members of Isurvive: http://www.isurvive.org/
Per my T’s advice, I tried twice (unsuccessfully) to bring my husband into my healing process. I regret having tried the second time, but I gave it my all, and he simply could not/would not be there for me. I have come to realize that this is about his limitations and not my own ability to heal. I also respect that some people don’t have the strength to see our emotional wounds because then they feel like they have to face their own, and they simply don’t want to. I have also grown to appreciate what my husband can provide, such as financial stability. He can be trustworthy in some areas while not providing me emotional support.
My husband preferred me broken because my world revolved around him. He asked me multiple times why I couldn’t just “stuff it all back in” and go back to how things were before. I couldn’t do that, and I am far from the wounded little girl and people-pleaser he married. He changes just enough for it to still “work” and not one fraction more.
– Faith
@Barbara- I hear you! I could almost have said all of what you said. I too hide most of my emotions from every one but my T and a close friend. I share a tiny bit with my DH and some with my Sister who is going through. Right now I am struggling so much with believing and feeling like I have done something wrong that I literally feel at times I am going to snap.
I am going to start college in the summer and full time in the fall. I worry about the same thing. Can I carry on with such a heavy schedule and continue to look at my past?
Also, I do not have DID, but I have never heard of dissociating “emotional” states. That is a new concept for me.
My heart goes out to all of you…
Heavenly places,
Some therapists call the different emotional states, persons, or personalities. Mine calls them emotional states, that’s all. It means the same thing: dissociated memories that need care, a feeling of safety, and healing.
HP & Barbara,
I, personally, don’t think that DID is that different from other types of dissociative disorders. I think that whether you split into personalities, colors, emotions, fugues, etc., it is all the same cause (ongoing severe trauma at a young age) and simply reflects the creativity of the child to find a way to survive the trauma. I also think it is healed in the same way — by loving and accepting each part as “me,” whether that part is a personality, color, emotion, memory, feeling, etc.
– Faith