I had an interesting series of dreams last night that, for once, were not nightmares. I think they came as a guide for where I need to be going, how to get there, and to encourage me so I don’t give up hope.
I was sitting at a table as one of four people. One was a friend who I have known since high school (K). She was talking to a man, and I, along with a fourth person (an “unknown” friend), was watching K. The reason I was watching her was because she was so different from who she had been.
Back in high school, K was a victim. She was bitter about how she had been treated by her family and others. Beneath the bitterness was anger. She also was not comfortable in her own skin, always trying to be what she thought she needed to be to be loved instead of just being herself. She would self-medicate to numb the pain.
The K before me in this dream was a very different person. She was very relaxed in her own body. Self-love and self-acceptance exuded from her. There were no traces of bitterness or anger, and there was no need to numb herself to anything. She was there, in the moment, and simply herself in a wonderful way.
As I watched K, I started to tear up, and the “unknown” friend did the same. K saw us and asked why we were looking at her that way. I said that I was simply amazed by her transformation. I said that she looks … and then I could not find the word. Happy? Yes, but the peace I saw in her ran so much deeper than happiness. Peaceful? Perhaps, but it wasn’t like she was tranquil or numb. That wasn’t really the right word. Present? Yes, she was definitely present, but that didn’t fully capture it. Then, the word came to me. I said, “You look complete,” and she smiled.
I think that was a message to me from my subconscious or God (or both) about the point of my healing. The goal is not the absence of pain, being happy, being peaceful, or even being present (which I really did think was the goal). The goal of healing from child abuse is being complete. As for what that means exactly, I will need to do more pondering.
The other part of the dream was searching for a wonderful recipe that I had lost. I found it again and realized that it no longer had to be so hard to access. I think the recipe is presence, which is what I thought was the goal. This dream is telling me that, just as the Bible is not the end goal but, instead, a tool to access God, presence is the tool to reach completion. Presence is the tool I need to be using, but it is not the end goal.
I don’t fully understand all of this yet, but I wanted to write it all down while it is fresh in my head. I’ll have to do some praying and meditation to get this piece.
Photo credit: Hekatekris