I had two really good days in a row, so my ratio is improving! Then, I got very triggered by back-to-back situations that triggered the little girl inside. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was so triggered. I just respected the fact that I was triggered and tried to pull myself through it.
The first thing that happened involved my husband. He is one of the pickiest eaters on the planet. I made a new dish (first new dish in years), and, of course, he didn’t like it. He wouldn’t even try the Spanish yellow rice because it “looks like it has cheese in it.” Despite my assurances that there is no cheese in Spanish yellow rice, he would not even try it. Then my son, who had been sampling the filling for the burritos all afternoon, followed suit, saying that the beans made him sick.
About the same time, I received an email regarding my new part-time job. This is for a well-known and respected company, so I am aghast at the extremely poor process involved in training new employees. My training was scheduled six weeks ago and is supposed to start in four days. I emailed my manager in the morning to ask if training was moving forward because I had receive no information whatsoever about it. She sent an email right at dinnertime that included the training materials and a laundry list of things that I need to complete before training. By this point, that only gives me three days to complete a lot of steps that I could have been working on over the past six weeks!
The email also said that I am required to observe a four-hour class next week without telling me which day. I emailed back that I will try to make it happen, but this is very short notice, and I need to know what the options are. I didn’t get into it in the email, but I have another part-time job, two blogs, and a child to juggle, not to mention other personal things that matter to me. Finding four hours of childcare, including finding someone to pick up my kid from school, feed him dinner, deal with his homework, and get him home to his father is not something that I just do with a snap of my fingers.
Yes, I know that both situations would be annoying to most people, but I doubt that most people would react with a panic attack. It made me feel like there was something “wrong” with me. I finally realized that the one-two punch of my husband’s reaction and the continued chaos with completing training at this new job triggered the years of being the “good little girl” but never “good enough” to avoid being abused because the demands that those in authority placed upon me were unreasonable.
For me to feel safe, I need to have clear and reasonable expectations. I can even handle steep expectations as long as I can achieve them through working harder and smarter. However, expectations that are illogical, constantly shifting, and/or unattainable (i.e. chaos) trigger the little girl inside and make me feel like something horrible is going to happen to me (more abuse) because it is not possible for me to meet shifting or unreasonable expectations. If I perceive (even subconsciously) any sort of authority combined with chaos, I have a panic attack. This awareness makes me feel a little more “sane” even though I am still dealing with being triggered. At least there is a logical explanation for my “overreaction.”
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
wow. You just answered my own frustrating and scared questions of this week. There is nothing concrete out of the ordinary, no special dates, or people that i can say are triggers, but i’ve been cutting more and more and having night terrors that settle once I’ve come awake, but the essence of the people who hurt me remain in my room and come to therapy and i don’t know why. Yessterday was a very chaotic day, i wrote my therapist of what had happened- just one venting staff member after another- something i deal with every day, just escalated. I could barely manage. shook and took the rest of my xanax just to manage. felt back peddling, felt scared and unsafe. I read my email and just deleted it. How ridiculous to have a hectic day and not be managing? I think it was more than that to me. There were people of authority who stretched, passive aggressively and tried so hard to put me in the middle and although i did well to stay in my neutral seat, i felt that uncertain pull that hard pull of do this no do that no do this this way no you didn’ tdo that, did you? I also had a few good days last weekend and have done some normal things for friends, but this cancels that out. you helped me remember that what is easy for me may be hard for you may be easy for you but impossible trigger for me. thank you. the training info would be so on my nerves, too. need to know ahead. don’t like surprises no do not.
Thanks for the validation, Aggiemonday.
Things have only gotten worse … to the point that I had a full-fledged panic attach on Tuesday and almost quit the training. The only things keeping me going are (1) the pay is very good for a part-time, flexible job; (2) I have already invested numerous hours into the training; and (3) I truly believe I will enjoy the job after training.
I am trying very hard to keep my eye on the prize — only 3.5 more weeks of training. I can do this. I might go through a whole bottle of Xanax to make it there, though. :0(
– Faith
Thanks. No real words but your words are powerful so thank you. I am grateful to have found your blog.
With the risk of being wrong and or projecting.
Perhaps you have just finished part of the marathon of processing trauma. A marathon sometimes seemingly without end, with no known course, when the run is not known other than a feeling it is coming up. Much like the marathon of trauma in that it is mostly unknown that you are going through it.
I am finding that often when things are harder than otherwise would not be it is because that I have just finished part of the marathon of processing trauma. In a real way the processing is not part of my consciousness and like the trauma it did not “really” happen, it is in the past and should not be effecting me now.
I have found that after processing trauma my intellect takes over and what people do seems more “crazy” than it would at other times. “How is it you do not know how to train me?” Where as when I have not just finished part of the marathon of processing trauma I might be able to tolerate people that do not know how to train.
On the lighter side. You know what is harder to do than find good help? To find a good employer.
Hi, MFF.
Those are all very good points. I have no question that my marathon is contributing to my reaction. Objectively, the training process has been unprofessional and haphazard at best. However, my REACTION to poor training has been an off-the-charts overreaction to it (if you don’t factor in my emotional state from the marathon).
This is why I have not quit yet. I don’t want to walk away from something that is potentially a very good job if I can get there by pushing through 3.5 more weeks. I am doing an observation tonight (this is a teaching job). I am hoping either to love it or hate it. If I love it, then I will get the extra boost I need to stick it out. If I hate it, it will be a very easy decision to quit.
I have another part-time job and don’t “need” this second job. My plan is to balance the two since both are adjunct, and I can easily alternate the two and not have to worry if one source of income dries up. Because I don’t “need” the job, it makes it harder to put up with the chaos.
One day at a time, right?
– Faith
Faith,
I have also been finding that when I go through periods of processing trauma I tend to overreact. I think this is because during that period of time I am hypersensitive and in a state of fight or flight. This seems similar to what you are describing.
I have not been on my healing journey as long as you have, but I am learning some things about myself and how I personally process trauma. When I am working hard to achieve healing, adding anything else to the mix seems like the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
I am so glad that you have awareness of what is going on in your mind. I work a full time job, am a single parent of three kiddos, and I go to school full-time. There have been so many days that I have wanted to quit school when I have been so low that I could barely get out of bed. But I can step outside of my feelings and push myself because I promised that little girl inside of me that one day she would go to college. It is my promise to her and protecting her dreams that helps me to go on when nothing else does.
It is good that you are giving yourself this opportunity for something that may be very good for you. Stepping outside of your emotions by becoming aware of them is very helpful.
I hope your decision will be an easy one as you discover what is best for you right now.
It is wonderful you follow your dreams and promise to yourself, I am a single mum of one with part-time job struggling with ptsd/ memories, I really respect you for managing so much, as many on this board do.
A x- it is a challenge to be sure. Thank you for your kind words. They help me very much.
A few weeks ago I was feeling suicidal… I had to ask my ex-husband to come get the kids. I had been having traumatic nightmares and body memories for three nights in a row and I was thinking to myself “this will never end. I will never get away from all of this”.
On top of feeling that way, I had a paper due for class that night! I wanted to say ” forget this. I will just quit school”. But I didn’t. I remembered the promise I made to that little girl inside me. Everyone else in her life let her down over and over again. I will not do the same thing.
So, I got out of bed long enough to write the paper and submit it. Then went back to processing my trauma.
I think that having just one dream that I treasure and protect at all costs has made all the difference in my healing.
“I think that having just one dream that I treasure and protect at all costs has made all the difference in my healing.”
This is so good to remember. I am getting ready right now to enter into college at age 43. I always thought I was too stupid to even consider higher education so this is a big step for me. My drive behind it is too get a PHD in child psychology and hopefully be able to work with severely abused children.
Heavenly Places-
I am 38 and this is my second year of college… ever. I am like you in that I am studying psychology. My desire is to become an Art Therapist and work with adults and children who have suffered abuse and trauma. Sometimes words cannot be spoken, but art can help a person express what they cannot say. My own art has helped me tremendously with my process of healing.
You are going to reach your dreams Heavenly Places. You have a purpose on this earth. You are a Messenger from Heaven sent to bring healing to all those who suffer from abuse. Remember that each time you feel like the dream is too big for you. I will be remembering you and your dream as I pursue my own!
Hi, HP.
I have shared before that I work as an online college instructor for one of the most well-known online colleges. My students are all adult learners returning to college after an absence. A large number of my students have been out of the classroom for decades. They do just fine as long as they commit to doing the work.
You have what it takes to succeed in college. The biggest hurdle for many adult leaners is their own lack of self-confidence. Believe that you can do it. Do the work, and you will earn the grade. Believe me — Your writing skills are already much stronger than most of my entry-level college students. :0)
– Faith
Thank you. That is SO sweet! I will remember you too! Art therapy is good. I cannot draw art very well, but the times I cannot put into words what I need to say, I draw, or write a poem. It helps so much. Your work with the abused will be a blessing too I am sure!
Hi, HP.
I am here for you, too. In my entry-level class, we spend a week talking about how to keep yourself motivated to do the work and who your support system will be. I hope you will use us here to help keep you motivated and serve as a support system for you. :0)
– Faith
That would really irritate me if my husband acted like that over a dish. I have had times when he would not eat something and it does set the stage for the kids attitudes. Maybe it is something you both could talk about alone. I know when I started therapy, my therapist had my husband come to two of the sessions to help him understand all that I am dealing with, and to try and give him helpful advice including the possibility of him seeking therapy for himself to help him through what I am going through. He didn’t seek that therapy, though he wasn’t closed to the idea, but over the months he has become more sensitive and accommodating to my life right now. But I too have to remember to let him be where he is.
The whole situation with this new job sounds very frustrating and unreasonable- it sounds to me like someone their wasn’t doing their job. That makes complete sense that you feel panicked. It’s true, when you have gone through abuse, your body and mind are preset for a certain “cause and effect” reactions to situations. Some people will never understand the depth of fear, pain and anxiety we have to go through over things that many others can just brush off.
Good job tracing your anxiety to its source and being able to provide some comfort to yourself. Your doing good Faith. Just your willingness to do your best to meet all those expectations in such a short amount of time- good job!
Realize what a valuable asset your already are to that company. Reward your little girl inside for her efforts. She is not going to be punished anymore- She is going to be praised!
It sounds like your tank (and therefore resilience to deal with people being unreasonable assertively and without getting too triggered) might be running a bit empty right now. I get reactive when I’m running on empty too. Any chance you can get a few hours of child care in order to take a good nap, do some yoga or have some self-time alone?
My two cents,
SDW
Hi, SDW.
I sort of did this yesterday. I had a great time at Bible study. (I facilitate it, but that is not “work” — I really enjoy it.) I then had an appointment to get my hair colored, which is a relaxing 90-minute procedure. I really did not have time to do either one due to the time constraints of this training, but I very much needed that break. It rejuvenated me enough to get through an eight-hour day of training afterward.
– Faith
I can totally relate to the cat in the picture.
Chaos does me in too.
Peace,
pf
On any given day I strive to keep my baseline anxiety level at a 1 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest). On days that I am not practicing self awareness and/or am triggered, my baseline can easily be at a 4 to 6. At that point, I can shoot to a 10 in no time….over something small (such as an off-hand comment that might offend me) or big (family dysfunction). This is when I realize I need to cut back on many of my projects, activities (learn to set boundaries, say no, and cancel some events) for a couple weeks in order to regain some balance through nurturing, sleep, yoga, etc… I try to catch myself when I feel my angst at 2 or 3 so I can get it back down within a day or two, if I don’t catch it early it can take a week or two for me to gain balance and perspective again.
Good advice!