This past week has been an incredibly intense and empowering week for me. After dealing with feelings of despair in the prior weeks, I decided to fight back. I went to the gym every day this week. I did yoga and meditation four days. (I would have done five days, but my son’s school sent him home for an alleged fever although he had no cold symptoms whatsoever at home.) I did my Bible study. I took an afternoon off to rest and nap. (I try to take a full day each week, but I was too triggered and wound up to take the morning off. However, I did still go to the gym.)
My experience this past week has been being triggered and fighting my way back to calm. Triggered…fighting…calm…triggered…fighting…calm. I feel like a Weeble Wobble that keeps getting knocked down but then still winds up in an upright position. I decided to write this blog entry while I am in a calm place. I don’t know how long it will last, but I plan to savor it as long as it lasts.
My therapist told me that I will never “get over” the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Instead, I will learn how to manage it better. Instead of being triggered for weeks, I will recover within hours or days. I found that very hard to believe in therapy, but he was right. I think this is why some of you have commented that my blog seems much more hopeful that what I write when I am in my dark places. While in the dark place, it feels like I have always been there and always will be. However, the bad times really don’t last that long. I don’t think I give myself enough credit.
Through this recent experience, I have learned that I simply cannot skimp on my healing tools. I must go to the gym at least three days a week (and preferably five). I must do yoga and meditation as close to daily as possible. I need to be doing Bible study at least a couple of times a week. I also need to get back to playing the piano. (Thank you to the reader who reminded me of the beauty of playing a musical instrument!)
It all gets back to the battle of the wolves going on inside of me (and inside of each of us). I have to feed my good wolf. I do this by taking care of myself, being compassionate to myself, and bringing joy and rest into my day-to-day life. It is so easy for me to buy into “The Voice” in my head that repeats my abusers’ lies. The more I take care of myself, the easier I find it to fight off The Voice. However, the more I skimp on my tools, the louder The Voice becomes, and it drags me right back down into the well of darkness and despair.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I am writing what happened.
I was getting ready to leave for therapy. I am scared. We are working on when we would understand words and yet were not yet verbal and the horror of that time.
I read “This past week has been an incredibly intense and empowering week for me.” and I smiled.
I read “My therapist told me that I will never “get over” the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).” and I remembered my therapist telling me “It can become just a memory.” Not that it will, yet that it can.
I then felt something. Kinda a warmness, a energy coming in rather than bad energy going out. I gathered my drawings together some of them of the horror that we are working on left handed scribblings of a cat and a dog killed over time, the puppies and kittens not yet drawn. Some drawings of many colors and beauty.
I have a card from my daughters. It says in part “When I said “I can’t” you said “I think you can, if you fall I will catch you and you did.” I was told I could not and even that I did not. I was not caught rather trampled on when down. I can learn to catch myself. Fate made it hard is all.
I went down stairs and was able to play the one song that I know on the piano that my therapist taught me. I thought I had forgotten.
I am going with that my PTSD is physical and that I can heal my body. To do this I must do the work so I have a past and it is just a memory. I needed someone to believe it was a possibility.
Hi, Michael.
I do believe it is a possibility. I believe this because sooo many of my traumatic memories are now “just memories.” That is a great way to put it.
– Faith
Hi Michael and Faith,
Yes, it does get better, and yes the traumatic memories do become integrated so they’re no longer intrusive. They’re not exactly ‘normal’ memories, since parts are always missing, but the information hangs together as well as it is going to . I agree with your therapist, we never ‘get over’ PTSD, but after 20+ years of healing, it has become a lot easier to deal with, and only ‘flares’ up when something big is going on for me now. I get to enjoy the strengths and learning from the process of healing instead.
I recently had another bout of healing work as abuser/father appears to be dying of cancer, although he’s taking his time of it in my opinion. When he actually dies, I’m going to have another bout of work I expect, and I’ve got plans to go dance on his grave in celebration of having outlived him.
– Sophia
I have accepted the PTSD and I am not embarrassed at the measures I need to take to avoid triggers. My office door has a little figure i put at the frame so the door won’t close all the way and click. I try to find an escape path when i enter a place with lots of people. I have been accepted by work and church and that is so helpful. The symptoms are concrete, and not surprising. Sometimes, lots of times, the triggers are. The more I know, the broader the trigger band is. I’m assuming after processing, that will settle down, but i don’t know. I read alot here about self care and compassion. I do work out, or my arthritis will cripple me.That is something concrete. I cook at church because i can do it and they need it and it doesn’t scare me mostly. But i hit a brick wall when i think take care of myself in being something good for me I mean good things for me just doesn’t make sense. Good things for you are a no brainer, and for you and for them and for you…. but me feels so wrong.
My therapist has worked so kindly these years to help me accept kind words without becoming sick. In the hardest minutes of trying to get words out, he will say i’m with you, I’m here. and it feels like a rope of help. I know what happened was wrong and bad and if i knew of a child who endured such horrors, I would be the first person to protect protect protect, but the more my tellings feel like me, the more i want to cut, the more i dissociate, the more i can’t understand good. good is for me. I have a lot of work to do.
“if i knew of a child who endured such horrors, I would be the first person to protect protect protect, but the more my tellings feel like me, the more i want to cut, the more i dissociate, the more i can’t understand good.”
I have never believed that I deserve ANYTHING good ~ I still don’t! My therapist tells me to picture myself as another child that I would fiercely protect, but I can’t even do that. I see other kids as totally innocent, but picturing myself as a kid, all I see evil, and what I brought out of the ones that abused me. I don’t know how to change that. Looking at pictures of myself doesn’t help–I see the same thing. I guess I have just resigned myself that I will always feel this–that I deserved everything that happened.
Aggie,
I to have finally accepted my PTSD. It is not shameful to me anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t shout it from the roof tops in restaurants that I have it, but if a situation arises and I feel it is appropriate to talk about it, then I become engaged in the conversation. In the past, I would just lower my head and not say a word. Too embarrassed for people to know “those things” happened to me. It is so freeing to stand in my truth now. I’ve learned many people are interested to learn coping skills I have because they can (and need) to use them in thier own lives. Also, they say my strength encourages them to overcome the “regular” obstacles in thier lives. It makes me smile to help others.
Theresa,
“I guess I have just resigned myself that I will always feel this–that I deserved everything that happened.”
Darling, this is not true! At ALL! In your wise mind you know that. It just may not be time the right time to connect with your inner child. One of the best things I learned in early recovery was not to push myself otherwise I only felt like a failure and frustrated. When you let yourself heal naturally, at it’s own pace, and accept where you are today with loving kindness…..it will seem much easier. Like you’re not fighting yourself. Don’t resign yourself, just let it come organically. I hope the best for you!!
I’ve also experienced a lot of healing and getting triggered does get easier and easier to handle…
Yet sometimes, because of all the internal changes, I don’t recognize myself anymore and feel…lost? I don’t recognize myself, my family anymore…
Sometimes it feels like if it’s getting harder and harder to fight myself, when there’re things that need to get done, to make myself do these things.
Previously, I was also more able to white-knuckle my way through things.
So, I really don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m happier…but how much more functional am I really?
“Yet sometimes, because of all the internal changes, I don’t recognize myself anymore and feel…lost? I don’t recognize myself, my family anymore… ” ~ I feel that way a lot too. Its kind of an insecure feeling, like a new life and no bearings; and what I always thought my reality was, was not true. It can feel confusing at times.
I find it so interesting how healing and safe and good some of those good things make me feel, if I go to the gym, exercise in fun and empowering ways (right now its zumba, which is incredibly healing to me, it is fun and expressive, but also sensual and very feminine, and its helping me feel ok with that part of my body) doing my art, sleeping right, all that good stuff…. i know what it is, and in reality, it shouldn’t be all that hard to do them, but why can i get SO stuck and sometimes CAN’T allow myself to do these things. i feel like i’m sitting there inside hollering and waving for attention but i’m behind sound proof glass, and the other part of me is outside that glass out here walking around like a zombie ignoring that part that is inside, just refusing to “do” anything. its SUCH a frustrating feeling! i dont’ really get it??
But thank you for reminding me about this need to take care of myself in that way. Hearing it from another person, sometimes breaks thru the zombie inaction.
I”m really happy that you were able to do these things for yourself this week Faith!
:o)flutter
i know what it is, and in reality, it shouldn’t be all that hard to do them, but why can i get SO stuck and sometimes CAN’T allow myself to do these things. i feel like i’m sitting there inside hollering and waving for attention but i’m behind sound proof glass, and the other part of me is outside that glass out here walking around like a zombie ignoring that part that is inside, just refusing to “do” anything. its SUCH a frustrating feeling! i dont’ really get it??
I understand this soo much. I hope when you are able to figure it out, that you will let me know.
I know what you mean about not being “over” PTSD, but managing it better and getting over those triggers in hours or days instead of weeks. Kudos! And good for you for practicing such great self-care.
I’m making the rounds to say goodbye to the blogosphere as I have just put up my last post after five years of blogging. I want to thank you for being such an inspiring, honest, aware and beautiful blog for me to read during this time. I wish you many blessings on your journey.
Take care!
– Faith
I have just found your blog, i love it! I was abused as a child by my step dad, i lived with him for a long time (at least yrs) after the abuse had finished, i was physically abused. Apart from the physical symptoms of abuse, for example my ribs break eaily from being poorly repaired in the absence of treatment etc. i experience flashbacks. the only visual/audial flashbacks i have ever experienced are in my sleep but are very different from nightmares and are usually accompanied by physical pain long after i have woken up. In the day i frequently get an overwhelming fear that i cannot justify, ironically these are generally preceded by overwhelming happiness and joy, possibly what i was feeling before i got into trouble. Its very difficult to sustain a conversation or even be in the same room as others during these flashbacks ass i feel very very vulnerable. i can often self-comfort my way to a more rational state but i will remain nervous and erratic for up to a few weeks. I learnt to associate beatings with music in my early teens and can sometimes know which beating i am remembering simply because the linked song is stuck in my head. at the time this was a brilliant way of avoiding thinking about the abuse, however it can be a problem when that song is on the radio! hope you are feeling a bit happier now, im so glad im not alone!
Thank You for sharing. I seem to be in one of my “Dark Places” at the moment and I like how you said; “While in the dark place, it feels like I have always been there and always will be. However, the bad times really don’t last that long. I don’t think I give myself enough credit.” …I find that to be very hopeful, this will pass. Thanks again, I enjoy reading your blog.