On my blog entry entitled Seeing Own Child as Representative of Inner Child, a reader posted the following comment:
how do i stop overprotecting my son???and teach him the world is not a horrible dangerous place? ~ Jolson
When you were abused as a child, you know firsthand just how dangerous the world can be. When you become a parent, you want to protect your child from experiencing the same traumas that you did. It is 100% understandable that you want to protect your child from being hurt. On the other hand, if you go too far in being overprotective, you run the risk of your child being emotionally harmed by your dangerous view of the world. How do you achieve a good balance?
Sadly, achieving a balance in pretty much anything is a challenge for most child abuse survivors. I can tell when I am making progress in an area of my life when I am not being extreme. The best approach is almost always somewhere in the middle. I try to remember that for my child.
I do err on the side of being overprotective, and I am not going to apologize for that. I have no problem looking someone straight in the eye and saying that when you have been abused as a child, you don’t have the luxury of pretending that child abuse can’t happen. When in doubt, I am always going to choose the route that keeps my kid safe.
That being said, I don’t want my kid to miss out on experiences that will enrich him by being overly paranoid. So, I try to find a way to give him more freedom in a way that I know that he is safe. For example, I have not banned all sleepovers at other children’s houses, but I must know and trust the parent(s) before I let my child spend the night at another child’s house. If I don’t feel 100% comfortable with the parent, then the answer is no – period.
As my child gets older, I try to give him more room to fly. For example, I was nervous about my 10-year-old son attending a sleepover “lock-in” at our church. However, rather than simply say no (which I almost did), I inquired more about the planned activities and the chaperones. As it turned out, there were enough chaperones that I trust to let him try it. He had a wonderful time, and I am grateful that he had that experience.
I also try to remind myself that my child will never suffer as much as I did for one simple reason – he has me. I had nobody to advocate for me or protect me, but he has me.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
My children are grown and I was not aware that I was abused when they were growing up. I always knew how my children were with. I let it be known in schools and such that it would be a better idea to hurt someone else s child.
I knew that the most vulnerable would be hurt.
My children know that there is no one really protecting them and that it is up to them. I am sure they were not surprised when Katerina happened and the police abandoned their responsibilities.
They know how to evaluate risks and most importantly not to blame themselves if fate does not go their way and to take responsibility if fate was not the cause.
Thanks for this. My Mother was sexually abused as a child, and she had some really bad habits that I’m sure were a result of this. #1 – I couldn’t go anywhere without playing “20 question” I felt like I was on trial for trying to have a social life. #2 – She would unlock the bathroom door and walk in on me when I was bathing. I know in my head, she was scanning my body for signs of abuse, but I felt very violated by the lack of privacy. I recently learned that this is actually a form of sexual abuse. #3 – She was really hard on my older sister – enough so that the neighbors & extended family would talk about it. After my Mother died, we were going through old photos & I noticed that my Sister was the spitting image of my Mother. I think that’s why she hated her.
I totally struggle with this one. I cringe every time I send him off without me… even with his dad. Not necessarily that I think he will or might be abused so much as nobody watches him like me and what if he gets seriously hurt or kidnapped or otherwise traumatized….
I feel ok about him being at school, but usually no other place. His school is a really special and wonderful place.
Great post. May we all achieve that healthy balance with ourselves and our families.
Peace,
mia
i have been overprotective and panicked and obseessed and worried. and no matter what i did the mean world still got to her. my baby. at 15 she was raped. because tho outwardly she had such wonderful self esteem… this boy weakened her spirit with critisizm and berating her and controlling her. and when he finally raped her she didnt feel she had the right to yell. she was afraid and felt powerless. she was living with my exhusband then. he did not handle the situation well and finally this last 6 months shes been healing and in thnerapy 2 x’s a week. and she nearly committed suicide along the way and became a cutter. i blame myself daily. i couldnt protect her. i can help her and i can be here for her and she is healing with wonderful support, a wonderful therapist and meds. but. i was overprotective.. that is one of the reasons my daughter listed as wanting to go live w her dad. and now. hindsight is always 20/20. i have to live in today. malanie
I feel the exact same way that you do Faith. I think my past has made me a better parent in the sense that I have been through things that I would never wish on anyone. My daughter has me to protect her from those terrible things. We’ve actually talked a little bit about my past from time to time, and it seems so alien to her (she’s almost 9). I’ve had problems with sleepovers as well. I strike a balance by letting her spend the night over at someone’s house only after I’ve interacted with the child’s parents for some time. I have a very, very hard time trusting people (which is common for people like us), and I’m ok with that when it comes to my daughter. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her because I wasn’t vigilant enough.
I am so glad that your kids have you guys to protect them.
My own experience was strange…outside the torture sessions and abuse at home and at the places I was brought to, I was extremely overprotected e.g. I was forbidden to play volleyball with classmates in junior high in case the ball hit my head, not allowed to walk to the mall from school, not allowed to take the bus etc stuff that all my friends got to do etc.
I liked Lilo’s comment about the bizarre dichotomy of having parents who abuse you one minute and protect you the next. The same father who sexually assaulted me was the same one who took me to a shelter so I would be safe when I threated to run as a teenager. I have often tried to make sense of this type of behavior. Sometimes I have wondered if it was just about continuing to control me, or if there was some genuine love involved. The jury is still out on this one. Maybe it was both. It is safe to say that I love and hate my father at the same time, so perhaps he was capable of the same with me.
I do feel like I have found some balance in allowing my own children to have a social life. When they were babies and young children, I was very cautious because they could not tell me of problems. I also educated them about safe and unsafe touches starting at age 2. Teaching children to communicate these experiences is critically important. My daughter prevented her own abuse by coming to tell me a six-year-old boy (she was four) asked her to take her clothes off (she didn’t do it!) It turned out this young boy had been molested a year earlier by a neighbor.
Now that they are teens and tweens, I have to be more aware and vigilent about teaching and monitoring internet and social network safety. For sleep-overs, I tell my kids to always stay with the group and never go off alone with an adult or older child. They always have a cell phone to call if they are the least bit uncomfortable.
I think they are growing up educated and aware but not fearful, which is a good thing.
Lilo,
I’m interested in how you educated them about safe and unsafe touches. How did you do this is a way that did not confuse or worry them.
It would be helpful to know.
Amanda
[…] The Lord gave me this message: âI knew you before I formed you in your motherâs On the same subject: https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/overprotective-parenting-after-child-abuse/ […]
this article truly touched home for me. I have two children and shortly after they were born, the affects of the abuse I endured and witnessed, came crashing back to the surface. I found that I could not return to work as I could not fathom the idea of someone else caring for my child, and inflicting potential harm. It would leave me literally ill at even the thought. Now that they are older, I am trying to find that balance, but it is causing me to be so conflicted. I want to give my daughter (11) the social relationships she needs, but still have not been able to allow her to sleep over at another friend’s house. I let her friends stay here, but when the question comes up for her to stay elsewhere, I freeze. The boy (9) has stayed at a friend’s house, but only because the family is a close friend of my husband and trusted. I know no girl’s her age where I know the parents well enough to let her go. She is increasingly distant from me because of my overprotective nature and I know things need to change, but I just don’t know how to take that first step. People who have never experienced abuse have a hard time understanding the affects on the adult parent.
[…] my blog entry entitled Overprotective Parenting after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: I have two children and shortly after they were born, the […]