Several comments on my blog lately have touched upon the issue of self hate. Self hate is a very common aftereffect of child abuse. In fact, it is so common that Compassion and Self Hate by Theodore I. Rubin is the one book that my therapist strongly urged me to read. It is not the most smoothly written book that I have ever read, but the content is great.
The themes of the book are similar to the parable of the good and evil wolf. The book talks about how we each have a battle going on inside of us between self-compassion and self-hatred. Compassion always triumphs over self-hate, but before it does, the self-hate will have a final rally and fight with all that it has inside. That is the time when it is more important to keep fueling that compassion or self-love. Otherwise, you can wind up sliding right back to where you were, hating yourself instead of loving yourself.
I have noticed several readers posting comments about hating themselves or various aspects of themselves. As the book points out, our natural state is self-love. Self-hatred is actually contrary to how we were designed to feel about ourselves. However, the child abuse warped our self-perceptions, causing us to internalize our abusers’ views of ourselves.
When you are in a perpetual state of hating yourself, it is hard to imagine actually loving yourself. It is doubly hard to imagine that loving yourself is a more powerful force because your self-hatred feels so all-consuming. However, I can tell you from firsthand experience that this is true. If you will feed the good wolf and choose to be kind and compassionate to yourself, your compassion will win. However, before it does, the self-hatred will rally back. You have to keep fighting back, being kind and gentle with yourself, to break through the self-hatred and enter into the wonderful world of self-love and acceptance.
Photo credit: Amazon.com
Blooming Lotus 
Sorry, but it feels like platitudes. Maybe he could write a book about how and what to feed the good wolf…
Hi, Blue.
The book does go into much more detail. It is pretty much anything that you do to encourage yourself and not beat yourself up.
– Faith
…and where to find this wolf.
Doesn’t seem like a platitude to me. Faith, I read your words, “I love you. You are safe. I’m sorry,” and teared up. I’ve felt like I’ve been in a lock-down mode for a couple of weeks. I guess I need those words to be part of my day….
Hard to absorb or put into motion when anything self directed in good ways feels selfish. I agree so strongly and am glad to see that it is not my imagination that the self-hatred rallies with a vengence. All of those foundational falsely built feelings rally whenever the feelings that got detached from those moments come back into the picture. That seems counteractive because in order for the feelings to be “out” the level of safety is up which is a good thing on a deeper level than flashback pictures or single sense rememory. But, yikes! The fight for making what we were led to believe be true is tough. and feels right.
Great post Faith. If I have this going on, I’m likely hiding it from myself. I don’t feel like I hate myself on the surface… however, my subconscious does seem to sabotage my progress, so… like most inner things, I guess it can be tricky.
Blue, The wolf is a metaphor. The tow wolves are representing the light and dark sides of our personalities. The way you feed the light/good wolf is by being good to yourself in whatever form that takes… hopefully all forms. Being patient with yourself, taking a class you’re interested in, getting out into nature, learning to relax and enjoy relaxing…. whatever it means to treat yourself well, do that. It feels uncomfortable at first, but that’s good. It means growth is happening.
Peace,
mia
My wolf attacked me in 1994 I was terrified. I then had a series of flashbacks to the dogs that were used to terrify me.
A therapist told me I had control over the flashbacks if I stood up to them. I did so and the flashbacks of the dogs stopped and others took their place.
I then learned that flashbacks were my frienenmies in that they led me to what I needed to work on.
I learned that the wolf was not attacking my rather warning me. He was warning me of a pedophile in the neighborhood who has sense fled the country in no small part to my efforts and despite the courts and law enforcements support.
I learned to embrace my wolf. You see there is only one wolf for me. Imperfect not bad/good, perhaps it is my listening that is imperfect.
Faith,
I wish so much I did not hate myself so much… I just don’t understand how I can begin to love myself, when I feel so alone and unloved. I do have a very kind, understanding therapist that I see twice a week. She is very helpful… but I feel like I’ve lost the one person in the world who made it possible for me to feel like I wasn’t used up contaminated trash. I knew it was too good to be true that someone would actually say ” I love and care about you” to me. She was so kind and understanding, and treated me like a daughter. My abuse was by my adopted father, and my adopted mother knew about it, but didn’t help me. So, I know this is different than what your journey was, but for me, I have always wished so much for a mom. Now I feel like she doesn’t care anymore. Yesterday was my birthday, and the only thing I wished for was a card from her, or just words on a piece of paper, so I could have her handwriting saying that she cared about me. She was away, and before she left, she said she would write something to me. She did not. Also, she told me she would still call me, and e-mail me… she did e-mail me yesterday, and it was really short, and it was to let me know she couldn’t see me until 12 today, instead of 10am. My heart hurts so much, that she is about to not care about me anymore. I lived in 15 foster homes, so I am used to being disposable, but I truly believed she would always love me unconditionally, because she said that to me. I trusted her with all of my heart. I won’t ever be able to trust anyone again, it hurts way too much. I don’t know how I am going to survive the therapy that my therapist want’s to do when I am ready. It’s called “Trauma focused CBT” She is using the child one, but I’m not a child anymore. Actually I never was. Ever. My heart hurts so much because I know that if I had a mom who loved me I could get through this. How can I love myself, if no one loves me? I am so completely confused. Sorry this is so long. It may not even make any sense. I don’t think anyone will ever really truly understand me. I don’t know why I am telling you this, I was hoping that you would understand. I am diagnosed with PTSD, and DID. I feel like I belong on another planet. I feel so alone especially today. Sorry this is probably too stupid to understand. Sorry.
~ Annabelle
😦
My heart hurts for you Annabelle! I could feel the depths of your pain in your words. Hang in there. I am thinking of you and praying for you!!!
Thank you very much!
I hope things turn around for you soon. And I hope that you have or had at least something good happen on your birthday.
Peace,
mia
Hi, Annabelle.
Even though my circumstances are different, I can relate to the deep need to be loved by a mother. Yes, I was raised by my biological mother, but she hurt me and let other people hurt me, so that need was never met. We took different paths but wound up at the same place. :0(
I went through a period of considering “adopting” a “mother” — choosing an older woman to fill that need. However, I found that I did not need to do this. **I** can meet those needs within myself by being my own “good mother.” I initially created an alter part to be the “good mother” who is available when I need her, but more and more I am internalizing the “mothering” I needed.
– Faith
Faith,
I wish I could be my own mother, but I don’t know how. I mostly hate to be hugged by anyone, but the person who is like a mom to me. For the first time I felt safe, and cared about by her. Now I am losing that. It takes me so long to trust anyone, and I can’t feel this way all alone. I have been all alone, with a lot of pain for a long time. I trusted her, and my heart is completely broken. My therapist is really nice, but she can’t be anything like a mom to me, because that is not her job. I understand that. I don’t know how I am going to ever start the therapy she wants me to do, when I’m ready, which I’m not yet, all alone, with no support. I didn’t think any pain could compare to all the bad things that happened to me, but this hurts so much too, just in a different way. Both together make existing almost too painful. And it makes me ask myself even more, why am I SO unlovable, and why is it okay to hurt me so much, in every way possible. I just don’t understand it. I have always tried so hard to do everything right, and I never figured out how. I thought I was finally loved in an innocent, safe, comfortable, right way. The way most people are at least by someone. I thought I could handle the therapy because someone loved me unconditionally. I started to believe maybe I would be okay, and I was always so thankful, and appreciative of every kindness. I have no words for the sorrow and pain in my heart, it hurts so much. Thank you for listening. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense. You are great writer. Thanks.
Hi Annabelle,
I just read your post and wanted to let you know I really do understand your pain. My mother died when I was 11 yrs old. She was never my abuser, however, I feel she was an enabler. Even so, I miss you like crazy. I am 35yrs old and there are days I sob and sob because I miss my mom. I pray for a mother figure in my life. I just want someone to love me unconditionally like a mother can. I have accepted that this is not realistic and have began to mother my innerchild myself. I am becoming the mother I never had. I can now protect her, comfort her, and nurture her. When I can get in that frame of mind, and feel that I love my inner child, then alot of my hate and shame dissapears.
I am thinking of you. AV
Hi Annabelle. You absolutely made sense.
You wrote: “My heart hurts so much because I know that if I had a mom who loved me I could get through this. How can I love myself, if no one loves me? I am so completely confused.”
I can really absolutely understand this. The one person I want to run to if things get hard, is my mom and she is the one that betrayed my trust and made me confuse her behaviour with fundamental love (it was not more than an hour ago that I imagined her stroking my hear and comforting me. As if that’s ever going to happen). Although my journey and story are different from yours. I can also fully relate to feeling disposable. My body is thirty now and I feel like I’m totally isolated and of no worth to anybody (not even my two ‘friends’). People online who don’t know me and reply to me are often more concerned about me than people in real life. Online I’m a person. In real life I feel like a nobody.
And yes, birthdays can be really hard. I alwas feel totally abandoned and I’m always on the look out for cards that don’t come. But it doesn’t mean it has to stay this way for you, for me…
Also, I stopped trying to find someone that can fully understand me in all aspects of my (hi)story and pain.
My therapist comes close in a way, but many different people can relate to many different parts of my story and my struggles ans I accept that now as equally worthy. Blogs like this are a blessing in that way too.
Your post touched me and I know yesterday (and the meeting with your mom today) was hard for you and it’s true that we don’t ‘know’ you, but if it’s ok I do want to send you my heartfelt wishes for a new year in your life with careful further steps in healing (you will survive and more than that one day, you’ll see) and new postive experiences that hopefully can make you see that you are not unlovable and that there are people out there that you can trust at least a little piece of your heart to. But I know it doesn’t feel that way right now. It doesn’t FEEL that way to me right now too, but I do believe that it’s possible in the future, although I can’t foresee to what extent it will be, that I can heal (maybe having my own family one day will stay a bridge to far, I just don’t know). But it doesn’t make me desperate anymore. So I do stand behind what I’m saying.
I hope I haven’t hurt you in any way by writing these words. I meant them well.
Take care!
Chloe,
Thank you for your kind and understanding words. The woman I spent time with today is not actually my mother, she could be as far as age, but she is not unfortunately. So many times she has treated me as a daughter though, in all good ways. For example she says she loves me unconditionally and cares about me. But something changed, she said today it has nothing to do with me, but I feel so much like it does. I’ve never trusted anyone so much, and now she is pushing me away. My heart hurts so much, I can barely breathe. I called my therapist a few hours ago, and she would have seen me, but no one canceled, but she was able to talk to me for a few minutes. I am grateful for that. I am still so sad though, because I feel so fuzzy and I wish so much I could call my friend (the one who is like a mom) but I don’t feel like I can… I’m just so so sad. I try so hard to do everything right, and I fail always.
Annabelle,
Abandonment issues are really powerful for me. I have on special person too, that is like a “Father” figure to me. Lately, he has been going through his own trials and has not been able to be as present for me as before. And I too panic. My mind begins to think all kinds of things. He will reassure me over and over, but I find myself needing it over again. I get a “desperate” feeling too.
My best help is to pray and talk to God about it, because God helps me through- He gives me strength, and talks to me and tells me he loves me.
But even so, that human element is so crucial at times, I don’t think I could stand it if anything ever happened to that person.
I have found though, that these days will pass and sunnier days come again. Its just going through it is so heart wrenching. But hang in there. Dont do anything out of desperate feelings. Just hang in there and give this woman time and space. She probably is just going through something herself.
People are just people. Imperfect human beings that make mistakes and dont always handle things right.
Hold on…
Hi Annabelle,
I’m so sorry if I misinterpreted the situation. I did understand you were talking about your adoptive mother.
I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I do recognize a lot of the feelings you describe and the wanting to do things right and how it somehow never seems enough or right. I hope you can see your therapist soon and that she can guide you through this. I will keep you in my thoughts.
*Related to religion*
This lent, I decided to give up self-hate. I know it sounds funny, but when you’ve been hating yourself for so long, it kind of becomes addictive. Like it’s something I MUST do, I must hate myself.
So I gave up hating myself.
It was pretty hard during the first few days; anything I do always brings up hateful thoughts, but I made a conscious effort to bat them out of my mind, especially since I KNOW most of those thoughts are lies. *When I couldn’t -for whatever reason- rationalize the thought away, I prayed about it; God loves every bit of me, why shouldn’t I?*
I have to say, that a lot of my self-injuring behavios have greatly gone down. I’ve only self-injured once since then, and that was at the very start of lent. It’s also been a lot easier to cope with my pain.
I’m not all there yet, (at the self-love, I mean) but it feels nice to not hate myself all the time, and to not feel that I absolutely must hate myself. It’s getting easier to dismiss the thoughts.
Hi, Janet.
Woo-hoo! What a great idea!!! I am so glad it is working so well for you! :0)
– Faith
Janet,
I totally love this! You are so creative! Wonderful idea!
Hi Faith and others,
I am glad for this post. I never considered self-love to e the natural state, but now that you write it here, it feels so true. And at the same time, it feels so logical that my hurting could’ve caused this to go awry. I have to find ways to nurture my self-loving side really.
By the way, on a related note, can you write a post about body image after child abuse? I have terrible issues with body image, some stemming from the fact that I have DID (so my alters are not adjusted to the fact that they live in an adult body), but some others probably stemmed from the hurting.
** religious triggers **
Annabelle Reach out to Jesus Hun, He loves u so vety much unconditionally, he is always there and he loves you He will be the one to love you the way you want to be loved and heal all your wounds, Nothing is Impossible for god He loves you and will never leave you or forsake you He has a Plan and Purpose for your life God Bless You In Jesus name 🙂
Hi, Felecia.
Thanks for your comment!
I added a religious trigger warning because some readers’ abuse involved religion, so reading about religion is triggering for them. The warning just tells them that they might want to skip the post if they are in a bad place. You did nothing “wrong,” and I appreciate your comment. :0)
– Faith
Hi Faith
We detest loathe every moment of us, even breathing is our enemy.
The hate we have seems so normal. It is expressed at times in the constant self harm.
We do not even know why we have to do these things but it feels right.
We suppose the self harm we do because we hate us and deserve to suffer
take care
anon
Hi, anon.
The more you challenge those feelings you have about yourself, the more healing you will experience. I tell that voice in my head that tortures me to “shut up!!” and replace those thoughts with something positive about myself. Choosing to be kind to yourself is exactly that –a choice.
You might want to read that book. It might be very healing for you.
– Faith
[…] my blog entry entitled Battling Self Hate after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: I wish so much I did not hate myself so much… I just […]
[…] voices telling you that it is not OK to treat yourself to something nice. This gets back to the Compassion versus Self-Hate battle and the feed the right wolf story. Each time you choose to challenge those internal voices and be […]
[…] my blog entry entitled Battling Self Hate after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: By the way, on a related note, can you write a post about […]
What if your abuser is still a part of your birth family even though they know he sexually abused me and others in and outside of the family? That is the case with me and I wonder of my self hate stems from the obvious dismissal of any damage he did to me because “he’s such a great guy…..” I guess that means I’m worthless, unimportant, a fabrcator and bitter woman?
Hi, I selected a user name which I will use going forward.
I can’t thank you enough for this blog. I battle self-hate daily. I think I am a piece of [expletive], useless semi-human crap. I have no friends and cannot relate to anyone except my husband. No one except the other people here understand the scars of child abuse. I wish I had been born to someone else. I am tired of the pain, and I am tired of being targeted for bullying and harassment in my adult life, nearly always by men. I am tired of people saying it’s my fault, or that I’m just a wimp who can’t endure old-fashioned corporal punishment, because it’s so much more than that: neglect, abandonment, verbal abuse, psychological torture, religious abuse.
Someday, we will have our say. Someday, the public MUST learn to recognize child abuse and the damage it does. We cannot have generation after generation of tortured children growing up into damaged, self-hating adults. This cycle has to stop for the good of humankind.