On my blog entry entitled Talking about Child Abuse is Not “Rambling”, a reader posted the following comment:
I have found that some people with PTSD tend to have a better memory for many things and trust it less. I have a PTSD friend and we can go back years and recount events. Together we can remember the rack that the pool cue was taken from in a fight. We both noticed during the fight that one guy did not know enough to break the cue so he was likely not a major threat, the guy who broke the mug was the threat. That sort of thing. ~ MFF
One way I know that a memory is really a flashback is the “crispness” and level of detail held in the memory. When I think about a non-traumatizing memory from a couple of weeks ago, I will have a difficult time telling you what I was wearing, what the weather was like, and a million other unimportant details. However, I recovered a memory from age three in which I could describe the pink pants I was wearing, exactly where I was, what was happening, the positions that my sister and I were in, etc.
Sometimes a flashback will begin with a stream of consciousness memory, such as the one I had the other night.
*** sexual abuse triggers ***
As I was falling asleep, I had a stream of consciousness of a man lying on his back. His pants were pulled off, and his body shape was different from hub’s. Then, it was like the lens went into crystal clear focus. It was my father lying on his back (I think he was drugged – looked like he was asleep), and I was forced to perform oral sex on him while pictures were taken.
*** end triggers ***
It was very disturbing but makes complete sense in light of other events that happened. My sister and I both recovered memories of my father being photographed hurting her while blindfolded, and my sister believes he was blackmailed with those photos. My guess is that these were more photos in the arsenal, which begs the question of how much he knew was being done to me as a child. I don’t know. He never approached me sexually (and he had plenty of opportunity if he had wanted to). I just don’t know what he knew and didn’t know. My sister thinks that is why he moves us 30 miles away – so he could still work at his company (which he owned) but get us away from those monsters.
If not for the crystal clear focus of the flashback, I might have beat myself up for having a sick mind or whatever. However, for me – the telltale sign of a flashback is the very crisp and detailed quality of the memories – very different from my regular memories.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
**TRIGGERS**SI** faith, i just replied on the rambling post.. i forgot to add a trigger warning. im so sorry, can you do it or not. read it. you dont have to post my reply. i wasnt thinking. i havent been thinking clearly. //// on this subject. yes. this is so true. i have severe PTSD and have had it forever./ my therapist is amazed at the little details of a room or a place i remember. how the blade of grass felt. or an itch. or a crack in a wall. or how concrete felt. yet i am now distrusting those ‘memories’/ she believes part of it is because some of what i endured was so horrid that i would concentrate on anything else around me to take my mind thought elsewhere. so my perception of little things was heightened. but the abuse was minimized in my recall ability.//// i also am excellent in any disaster event that doesnt involve me. /// and i have what i consider a talent of calming people down or making their circumstances seem less.. i can. i work in a healthcare setting and i have bn noted by many coworkers at how do i just know what to say or to do or to use THAT tone of voice. and i love what i do. it has helped me for years to help others. it is easy to put myself in someone elses shoes. and ‘get it’/ but it is so extremely hard for me to accept a compliment..or credit..or believe in my own memories or have a positive outlook at times. i know some of this all goes with PTSD. and i will keep dealing. i so appreciate your posts,faith. i dont feel quite as alone. or quite as out of control. i scare myself sometimes. but. i remain here. and talking. and doing. and i will tackle what i can as i can. my slide projector came. i tried all week after ordering it and once it arrived to figure out how to hurt myself and make it seem accidental. i havent. still want to ///instead… i went into a high blood pressure stroke level chest pain. paic. and the slides will have to wait until i can view them. i cant right now. ok. gotta sleep.. goodnite everyone. malanie
Hi, Malanie.
No worries. It didn’t occur to me that your other comment needed a trigger warning since I did not view it as graphic, but I added one as you requested. :0)
I know you feel so out of control, but I see so much strength in you. You are finding your voice and fighting your way out. You are a warrior, even though you probably don’t feel like one.
– Faith
I don’t know about this, Faith…I think the quality or crispness of the memories depends on such a lot of different factors, such as:
Age (I have memories of rape as a toddler which are just body memories and I hear sound but no image, perhaps image will come back later but I doubt it, maybe because it was dark or my eyesight or I couldn’t see…)
Whether drugged or drunk (most of my memories are corrupted by chemical effects or maybe extreme exhaustion too, I have feelings rather than images)
Etc.
Hi, A x.
Those are both very valid points. I suspect that I have experienced some infant abuse, and those memories are all body — nothing crisp there. I also have reason to believe that I was injected with some sort of substance based on my getting triggered by shots. I have yet to recover any of those memories. If I was incoherent (or close to that) during an abusive incident, that would definitely affect the clarify of the memory. Very good points!
– Faith
The brain of all peoples traumatized will not function in the same way and memory is a function of the brain.
For me it was about learning about how my memory works and staying away from how others think it must work including those that have expressed trauma other than to know some things are possible.
I find it likely that someone who is having repressed memories come into their consciousness has thought more about how memory works than the general population.
Part of it for me was the trust of my memory was shaken to the foundation when I understood so much of my life was missing and that I had parts that had no memory of other parts.
I have what I call screen memories. This is part of both the cults and MKULTRA method. I will give an example. I was given a scenario of a week that I spent at camp that was false to cover where I really was. This is not great mind control or anything. I was exhausted and was more than willing to remember what I was told happened.
I have come to understand what are screen memories and what are not. Very difficult as I made up my own screen memories.
Part of the whole memory thing is that as a multiple I do not remember what I did not experience and yet another one does. Within each part there is normal forgetting and we all have different memory abilities.
I can not forget what I never knew. Hard concept for anyone that is not a multiple.
None of my flashbacks etc are visually crisp. I kinda wish I had some, because that might answer some questions I have sometimes…but…I’m sure that would hurt more…
Mine are not crisp either. I was sort of bothered about the thought that they had to be crisp to be real, so I feel better that others said something.
=)
Hi, Lilo, HP, and all.
This is another great example of working together through different issues and having different perspectives. Since MFF made that comment, I saw a commonality and thought I was onto something, and I was … for some people. However, it is yet another observation that does not apply to all (just like Michael and I are complete opposites when it comes to the value of yoga). I wonder if my sister’s flashbacks are clear or not because we tend to go in polar opposite directions on just about everything. I’ll have to ask her…
I also wonder how much DID factors into the crispness. I have a theory that most of my memories were imprinted by parts, but when I sensed danger, many parts came together before deciding which alter part would come out. If I am right, that could account for the crisp memories. Interesting…
– Faith
That’s interesting, Faith.
For me…I always have this very strong gut feeling that I’ll get much clearer, stronger and more memories if I”m willing to let the other parts of me out…
I just wrote a rather lengthy comment on my seemingly endless struggle whether or not to believe the memories over here: https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/how-do-you-know-a-if-memory-is-real/#comment-10090. If someone cares to give his/her thoughts on this, they are very welcome.
But that aside:
I agree with most of what you wrote here, Michael. That’s generaly how I see it too.
I have almost no concrete memories of day-to-day life until I was 19 (and left home) and even of the years after that huge chunks are missing, though not to the same extent.
I became aware of my first part about ten years ago. The others (there are two I know of, that I haven’t met directly yet) I came to know the past year, although they never were absolute strangers to me. Some of them knew some of the others, others didn’t.
I’m the ‘innocent’ part in my system. I myself have no memories of abuse and some foggy flash-backs (quick image flashes and foggy sensory memories) aside I’m still not ‘conscious’ about what happened to us/me.
My insiders recently have started to share their experiences with each other, my therapist and me (they still keep parts of it from me to protect me).
Michael wrote:
“Part of the whole memory thing is that as a multiple I do not remember what I did not experience and yet another one does. Within each part there is normal forgetting and we all have different memory abilities.
I can not forget what I never knew.”
I totally agree.
This is how I experience it too. What my insiders say are mere words for me, it is not a part of my history and I don’t have the feelings associated with it. I haven’t forgotten it, I haven’t experienced it, so I can’t recall it.
And each part inside of me that did experience it, deals differently with his/her experiences. One part that ‘chose’ to go along with the abuse to take back the power that was taken from her by the abuse, can give very vivid and extremely detailed accounts of what happened, like a movie that is told frame by frame by frame. She can tell about the events, but doesn’t know how she came there and what happened afterwards.
Other (kids) parts know what happened to them, but were so scared or ashamed that they stored the memories differently. They tell it in a whole different way and in less detail. What happened to the littles inside that aren’t able to talk, we still don’t know. So I don’t know what and how and if they remember. They are just there, hurting and sad.
My insiders relive the past frequently, but aside from the direct triggers that cause a (physical) panic reaction from my insiders that I am aware of when I’m ‘out front’, I black-out a lot (as in several hours every day), so I don’t know the details about all of that.
I’m still a bit of an outsider in my own life, but I’m so scared to find out all there is to know and fear and denial is my biggest enemy.
… and writing short comments not my strongest point ;-p
“What my insiders say are mere words for me, it is not a part of my history and I don’t have the feelings associated with it.”
Spot on! I was trying to explain this difference to someone not long ago. I was referring to someone I used to hang around with at school, who wasn’t very nice, and the person I was talking to said “Well, if you don’t remember, how do you know what she was like?” and I said “I don’t *remember*, I *know* in exactly the same way as I’d know something I’d read in a book. I mean, I *know* that the First World War started in 1914 [well it did where I am, overseas readers :)], I didn’t need to see it myself to find that out”. I know plenty about my life between the ages of 3 and 18, but it’s purely intellectual knowledge, not memory.
faith, thanks for your encouragement. i almost cried when i caught that comment back to me. and i have a hard time with tears. i got emotional tho./ i always HAD a voice. unfortunately i recall the voice i had… me.. that wee little girl.. with the ‘chatty..i have to entertain daddy so he will be in a good mood and not mad or mean to anyone.’// or the voice i had as a teenager who was so dead inside and angry.. but had learned to manipulate.. and i guess then trying to CONTROL what happened to me.. and the seductive voice i used to let him believe i wanted the sex and abuse and pain. always pain tied into it. i do remember, faith, i just run from it. i run as hard inside my heart and as fast as i can go. and i am exhausted and so lost sometimes. its almost like a forest of scraggly nasty trees and birds yelling at me when i run. thats just how i picture that feeling when i sit and hide. or want to hurt myself. or now lately.. am so angry. i think angry thoughts and want to yell.—-AND, i dont. i still ‘behave’/ All the rules. the dont tell. dont cry. say you love me. let me hurt you. say you like it. etc etc. damn. i still live with those rules alot. i speak up and out for others in pain or discriminated against etc. but i still feel like that child standing on that dock with my father having a conversation with the neighbor and having his fingers inside me with the neighbor man just watching and talking. , you said they treated me as inaniamate. i had never seen it that way. you were right. i felt like a ‘nothing’. i was so confused. alot lately.. i dont feel strong or brave though i am told i am. i like resiliant. i do feel resiliant. i am so scared so often. how i wish i could be a 5 year old me and just loved and tucked safely into bed by a parent who really adored me and didnt hurt me. i want that so desperately. its silly i know. i cant have that. i dont know how i would. id feel silly even if it were possible. but i do find great bittersweet joy in knowing i gave my girls that… that warm safe tucking in at night. and i was the same person in the morning.. i will treasure always those memories. and so many more. faith, do you think it is possible we love even more intensely and carefully and without pause in our actions or thoughts with our children..because of the abuse? that we feel this love more intensely than if we were raised un-abused ??? okay.. THANKS FOR THE EAR… and p.s. yes. i have a voice. i am learning to TALK..not just write about the horror. the self injury is hardest to speak of. okay. nite malanie
Hi, Malanie.
Yes, I do believe that many child abuse survivors (particularly those fighting back to heal) are better parents in reaction to the abuse. My son frequently represents my inner child in my dreams. The more I love my inner child, the more I seem to love him and vice versa. In some ways, they are intertwined in my heart, although my head fully acknowledges that he is his own person.
– Faith