On my blog entry entitled Being Willing to Try New Strategies after Child Abuse, some readers got into a discussion in the comments about the importance of setting boundaries. Here are some words of wisdom to consider from some of my readers about setting boundaries:
I found the thing that I needed the most was to be willing to set boundaries with people. Every time I did something out of a sense of obligation to other people I was hurting myself (and that girl). When I became willing to say no, and to spend my time and energy in the way I needed to, I built up a level of trust with myself. It was hard to do at first- e.g. telling my family I wasn’t going ‘home’ for Christmas when I didn’t appear to have a ‘good’ reason not to (I’ve always been way too concerned with other people’s feelings). It’s an ongoing practice but gets easier all the time. And I notice that other people treat me with more respect and consideration than they did when I was a nice door mat. I think this has been an incredibly important step in my healing. ~Christine
Once my inner child knew she could trust me to protect her, stand up for her, set boundaries for her, nurture her, etc…did I feel a profound sense of healing. And guess what helped me….setting healthy boundaries with EVERYONE in my life. Until then, I didn’t realize how important boundaries are for healthy relationships. Even setting boundaries with myself is healthy. I mean it is KEY! The two things I finally did differently that made a difference:
1) TRUST myself to make the best decisions for ME.
2) Setting healthy boundaries.
These made a huge, huge difference in my healing process. ~ AllyValentino
Also relate to what Christine says about keeping the inner child safe, a big turning point recently for us was stopping listening to people (especially therapists) telling us we needed more friends and closer ones. Sure, it’d be nice, but what we really needed (and have finally started doing) is to stop bending over backwards to please everyone else, regardless of how they treat us, just so they’ll be our “friends”. Yep, boundaries, so that’s what they are! So, ok we lost a few “friends” and don’t have so many now, no one ever calls (but it’s ok cos we don’t expect them to) but at least we feel safe and don’t feel taken advantage of. And maybe, just maybe, some of the people we are friendly with will become real friends in the future. ~ Bay
What everyone else said was so great that I don’t have much to add. My therapist made “setting boundaries” my homework assignment after each session, and he assured me that if I thought I was “being a b@#$%,” I was probably moving toward nearing normal boundaries. I couldn’t really “get it” until I worded it to myself in this way: Whenever I don’t say no, I am choosing to hurt myself rather than hurt the feelings of an inconsiderate person.
Setting boundaries made me feel safer and less “used.” It was eye-opening to recognizing that I was not obligated to do everything that other people asked me to do for them!
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I never did any formal work on boundaries.
My first blog was named Selfish. The one I have now is called Selfish-Too and it also I am selfish.
I found that when I take care of me I have more to give and those that love me really want more to give and have me receive than to take. Just like me.
It would not have worked to take care of us with the goal that we could give more or do more. It just had to happen.
I have started to tell people that I do not want to talk about certain things which is really I don’t want to listen to them. They get angry. Often they do not stop. I am a good listener.
As far as boundary’s with us or with myself go it is more letting them dissolve. Breaking them down was tried and did not work although sometimes we did have to chip away at them.
I just discovered your blog & wanted to let you know that reading through your posts has been incredibly helpful for me. Thankyou so much, consider me a subscriber 🙂
xo
Thanks, Coco. :0)
– Faith
I feel like right now I am having to work on boundaries with therapy. I made a huge mistake in allowing myself to become “attached” to my therapist. By doing this I have set myself up for a pain so intense that I cannot explain.
The therapy relationship is important to the healing process, but a therapist is not a true “friend”. Recently I went through something traumatic and I realized how painful it was that I could not have my therapist there with my physically as I walked out the event as it was unfolding. This is itself was traumatizing for me. I desperately needed someone to comfort me, but my therapist can only do that in the hour of our appointment, and not any other time.
I am struck by how much that relationship feels like the abusive one I had with my parents. Their limited availability to meet my needs and care for me is exactly what I am experiencing in therapy. I know my therapist cares a great deal for me, but his limited availability is excruciating.
Please understand, I am not a clingy person. In fact I have what you would call a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. I simply don’t attach to people, including my own children. So, for me to attach to this therapist was a really big deal. But now I am reminded of why I don’t attach to people. I have taken care of my own needs in every possible way since I was a small child, and I am convinced now that I am the only person who can take care of my needs. I have no idea how to be interdependent and I think that whole concept is beyond me.
So, I am setting up new boundaries in therapy. I am going to switch to seeing him every other week to allow some distance in my relationship with him. And, hopefully, this will help me to realize I am strong enough to stand on my own, but can still rely on him to a certain degree.
Please tell me… has anyone else out there gone through something similar?
Hi June,
You have just about rewritten my story. I was not terribly abused by all accounts (though my father was abusive), but my mother died when I was 10. I became hyper independent soon after that and was that way for the next ~45 years. I had several therapists over the years but this particular one, for whatever reason, I became dependent on. I went through the agonizing hell that you describe. But people who know better (like I have a friend who is a LCSW) tell me it wasn’t my fault and that the therapist had serious boundary transgressions. It was very intense at first, and went on for about 3 years. Out of sheer desperation, as the cycles kept rolling and I would think I was OK now, and then I’d fall into the hole again, I sought out another therapist who saw me at the same time (I mean during the same time period). I had to travel almost 2 hours to get there. I am still seeing the “new” therapist but severed my ties with the previous one. I still feel like that relationship exacerbated my abandonment issues and am not sure if it did anything good in the big picture. I also feel so very ashamed that I let myself get dependent on anyone and it is hard to write about but even harder to tell someone face to face.
You show a lot of strength, June, with your plan to put some distance between your sessions. I was not able to do that. I wanted to go every day. I went twice a week for a long time, off and on, and we spoke on the phone often. But it was never enough maybe because I knew I couldn’t get what I really needed.
Does your therapist actually know how you feel on this issue?
Hi Freasha,
Thank you for sharing… i feel so alone with my thoughts on this. I have shared some feelings about this with my T in the past year. And yes, there have been boundary transgressions on his part. My friends have been telling me this isn’t healthy for a while now. But when I bring it up to him, he says they just don’t understand because they don’t know the depth of the work we do together… that I am not just there to discuss my “problems”.
The thing is.. and I am so ashamed to say.. there is a whole other element to my relationship with him. He is the same age as me and very attractive. I have told him in the past that I had developed a crush on him. He said that it wasn’t his fault. But there were transgressions on his part. I think most people would agree it is not okay for a therapist to kiss a client on the cheek. So him saying it wasn’t his fault was so degrading to me. That made me feel like my abuse with my father. He (my father) would say or do things and then say I was the one who was crazy.
And now I am stuck. I have allowed myself to become attached to him.. part of me is in love with him… and I want to terminate so that I can get healthy completely. But letting go of this relationship has been impossible for me to do. I even started seeing another therapist at the same time… just as you did… and told her I needed help “breaking up” with him. But it did not work. I couldn’t connect with her enough to withstand her “help” on the subject.
I have already severed ties with my abusive parents; to sever ties with him will devastate me… yet staying in therapy with him is causing me too much pain. The only thing I can think of is to distance myself until I grow strong enough to leave completely.
Freasha,
I find that when a therapist challenges me in some way, I become defiant in my thinking towards them… I don’t hear/accept what they are trying to say before I flat out reject it, either in my mind or out loud. (At least initially) I especially do this with new therapists. I’ve been to many.
I don’t know if that even comes close to what you are saying, but we all have our patterns and dynamics to work on and work through….limited availability of a caretaker is one of those for you. For me it is/was authority figures and power struggles/identity struggles.
I don’t have anything really useful to say, I just wanted you to know that I hear what you are saying, and wishing the best outcome for you.
Peace,
mia
Hi, June.
Your therapist kissing you on the cheek, especially if he already knew about your crush, is a big red flag. Run! I would find another therapist.
Mine was (is) a much older man who never once physically touched me. He also encouraged me to go longer stretches between sessions with reassurances of being there for additional sessions if needed.
Even if he is a great therapist in general, I have concerns about your therapeutic relationship in specific. Please be very careful.
– Faith
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I haven’t had any therapy for various reasons, but what you say about relationships sounds very familiar to me. People who are out and out abusive get drawn to me, no doubt, but I never “take” to them. The people I get interested in are…disinterested I suppose. They’ll have me around, maybe think well of me even, but won’t really miss me much if I’m not there. I think it’s partly self-sabotage, but as much as anything these people match my Dad’s character; he knew I was in a bad state all through my childhood, he could have worked out who was responsible (my mother and (now ex-)sister) and got me away, but instead he just…let it slide. He’s still married to my mother, even though he knows what she’s like; they’re co-dependent I think. He cares about me a lot, but he just drifts back to her somehow, even though she hurts him too. I’m always in second place.
I wonder whether it’s because someone who was just distantly nice to me was such a huge improvement on active abuse, that it came to mean love to me.
June, I feel your pain and I so want to reach out to you. I want to share my experience with you too, and maybe it will help you, or at least let you know that you’re not alone.
First off, I want to say that I saw about 10 or more different therapists before staying with the outstanding lady I’m with now, who I’ve been working with for about a year and half.
Many therapists I would just see once, and never go back. This is because I have a right to find a good fit and there is nothing wrong with going to as many therapists as I please until I find one who DESERVES my trust. Just because they have a license or have been a therapist for many years doesn’t mean I will give myself away to them. They have to demonstrate that I can fully trust them.
I want to throw a few things out there that may or may not be agreed upon by others:
1. A therapist SHOULD be your friend. This is kind of controversial because you are paying them for a service and there are clearly patient/therapist boundaries. However, I think your therapist can be your friend, while you ALSO acknowledge the fact that you are their client. It doesn’t mean you are crossing boundaries, it means that the therapist should treat you like a human being, and it is totally NATURAL to want friendship with them (isn’t this the basis for trust?).
2. 50 minutes a week is an artificial trust set-up. When you describe the lack of availability as excruciating, I totally understand. This was my experience as well until I came across my current therapist, who makes herself available more than that! Let me explain: she allows me to check in throughout the week (call or email). Now, i don’t take advantage of her and expect hours of her time outside of a session, but when I’m in terrible emotional pain during the week, and I send her a long, personal, heart-filled email, she’ll email me back, “Jackie, I hear you are in so much pain. This seems like a really crucial event for you right now. I’ll be thinking of you throughout the week and we will address this first-thing next session if you like.” That’s all! A few sentences, not much of her valuable time taken up- and that is why I trust her! It is a connection. It is ok to expect this from your therapist! You are not clingy! In reality, would you trust a friend who would only give you 50 minutes of their time a week? Heck no! You have a right to ask for more from a therapist. They may not give you as much as you would like, but a good therapist will AT LEAST meet you halfway.
When you said about the second therapist, “I couldn’t connect with her enough to withstand her ‘help’ on the subject”- right on! That is so awesome that you acknowledged that. I hope you keep looking for the right one…I’m really sorry if I’m being preachy, June. I’m just very heated about this because I saw so many shitty therapists before finding a gem. Being with a therapist who is so loving and who validates who I am makes me want this for everyone else. She is not like a “typical” therapist in the sense that she is looser about some boundaries, like, she’ll go on vacation and email a bunch of pictures of the trip to me and her friends. Because she seems to include me as a friend, I feel LESS LIKELY to attach to her in a needy way. She doesn’t make me feel like a “case.” Is there anything wrong with this? Perhaps it is the “usual” therapist set-up that should be questioned. It is completely natural to want an exchange from a therapist. That is what true connection is. They don’t have to tell you their life story or where they live or any other boundaries they don’t want to cross. But when you reach for someone or open up your heart to someone, it doesn’t feel right when the other end is not reaching back. I believe that a therapist can do this for you without breaking the “therapy code.” It is so painful otherwise, and like you’ve described, reminds you of other painful relationships in your life…
Jackie- thank you sooo much for sharing! You mentioned that when your therapist goes on vacation she actually emails you pics of the trip!! That is amazing!
I talked to my T about my anxiety when he goes away on vacation a couple of weeks ago when he announced he would be going at the end of the month. We did some work around that and I shared that although my adult self was happy he was going, my child self was petrified he would forget about her.
The night before he left for vacation my mom had an accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. At the time I showed up for my appt. the next day I still had no idea if she would live or die. He said “It’s unfortunate this happened now when I am leaving for vacation”. What a terrible understatement. Now, I understand the need for therapists to take breaks and vacations.. its important… but not once did he contact me to see if I was okay while he was away. And I made contact with him this week just to help me “get through: until we meet on Friday. I only sent a line or two, just asking him if he was back yet.
Someday I plan on being a therapist myself. I can guarantee you that if I have a client going through a crisis and I am on vacation, I will at least take time to send a quick email to say I am thinking about her and hoping everything is okay.
Was I wrong, unbalanced, or unhealthy to think if he really cared about me he would do the same? I honestly don’t know because I don’t know what “normal” is supposed to be.
June, also I got carried away I’m sorry. I had the same relationship with a male therapist in the very beginning and it felt like being rejected and also reminded me of my relationship with my father who abused me. It was totally painful to get out of that attachment to him but it gave me a feeling of power to “reject” the therapists that I didn’t like and find one that was exactly perfect for me. I also stayed with him till I found my current therapist, and it naturally took a course from there. Hang in there, June.
I don’t think you were wrong or unbalanced at all June. True support should be there when you need it, not just on that one day a week. I feel the right thing for your therapist to do would be to email you, even if he had to say he may not be able to respond again till he gets back, but that he was thinking of you and he’s there for you. I think we assume the “normal” is, basically, we are the “messed up ones” and the therapist is withholding. I think the therapist has a right to draw their boundaries around their personal life for obvious reasons, but when they don’t share themselves in some way, and don’t reach out to you in a time of need, it does more damage than good. I would feel terrible leaving a client in the throes of some devastation while sipping martinis somewhere. I would help to the extent of making a connection without jeopardizing my vacation.
You are going to be a wonderful therapist because of what you’re going through. You are making your own normal! Therapy is a creative process that doesn’t have to be cut and dry. I think the email is a great technique, because just a few quick lines gives you a strong connection! You just need to know that you’re not stranded and cut off in the height of your pain.
Hi June,
My LCSW friend once exclaimed, during the time I was in the thick of it, as you are right now, that she had known me for 35 years and she had never known me to give away my power – until then, to this therapist.
Later, after I stopped seeing this therapist, my same friend told me that she had sometimes bit her tongue until it was bleeding, trying to keep her opinions to herself. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear them, anyway, and I think she knew it.
It sounds like your therapist has really transgressed appropriate boundaries. Thing is, as my friend and others have said, the therapist is in a position of power, always. Yes, I totally understand how the adult you was glad that he could go on a vacation, but the child was devastated that he was leaving. Attachments don’t take vacations. I have had the same dilemma. A fight inside me between an abandoned 10 year old, and an independent grown up.
I think your friends may be right. I wonder if you can keep looking for another therapist who will be truly helpful. Yes, I, too, felt I would be devastated to leave this therapist I was attached to. I didn’t stop until I felt like I could manage it. It took a long time. Time will tell. I imagine I will run into her around town some day. I don’t look forward to that.
And June, how old are your children? Could you attach more to them, as you said/implied you weren’t strongly connected with them? There would be your ideal place. But I know, life doesn’t do things in a logical way.
My current therapist, as we hash through this attachment business, keeps reminding me that no one can always be there for anyone all the time. Not even a good mother. She does say she hopes if at all possible to be there for me if I need her, but I haven’t put that to the test yet. Nothing much has come up, and I am a bit gun shy anyway.
This is maybe a little disjointed and jumbled, so I hope you can follow it. I do admire your strength and courage and your resolve to take this step that is best for you by cutting back on your sessions.
One of the very first handouts the T gave me (prior to me understanding that I am many) was an itemized list that discussed boundaries that are often broken/unrecognized in folks who have a trauma background. I think the list had like 21 or 23 items on it (can’t remember exact amount, just know it was an odd number), and going through the list I recognized myself in so many of the areas.
Since that time, yep, have had to learn that it is acceptable and okay to set boundaries. I, too, have really pared down on my ‘friends.’ I have several acquaintances, but as for friends – you know, the people who have my phone # and that I’m willing to freely talk to and interact with – yep, single digits.
It has been very empowering, learning to say “no,” to people; recognizing when folks are not good for me; and being able to stand up and protect myself(ves). Have lots of work left to do in this regard (boundaries – recognizing/setting them), but we’re getting there!
Thanks again for your blog (and for those who comment), as it provides commonality in discussing many topics (some that are often very difficult topics) in my healing process.
wtr
Really connected with the idea that you don’t need a “good excuse” for setting a boundary. “I don’t want to and it’s not healthy for me” is enough! Still learning how to do this. I’ve spent my whole life feeling petrified of the “I don’t want to” statement. I usually make up lies about why I “can’t” do something. Something as simple as saying “I don’t want to see that movie” to a friend, I would instead make up all these excuses about where I’d have to be, Oh, I’m not feeling well, etc. Lately, I’ve been saying things like, “You know, I’m just not feelin’ it and am not really into seeing that movie or doing____.” I cringe and panic, only to find that my friend will say, “Ok. No problem. Is there something else you want to do?” This is healing for me. When my “no” is honored and I am not attacked for having a voice.
Hi, Jackie.
I have a friend who loves to quote a character from Will and Grace: “I would … but I don’t want to.” :0)
I am not quite there yet, but I am much better about saying that something “isn’t my thing.” You are right — it is so empowering to be able to say no and have your friends not get upset about it. :0)
– Faith
I find it helpful to have a kind of litmus test for when I need to set a boundary. Mine is that I won’t do things I resent or am going to resent. If I say yes to something and discover afterward that I made a mistake and am feeling resentment about it, I usually correct that mistake by calling the person back and saying no. It’s a tip I got from a Melody Beatty book I think, and it’s been very reliable. I ask myself “will I resent this?” and if the answer is yes, I say no. I’ve gotten better at it over time, at first I probably sounded a little angry, but now I can say no quite calmly, politely but without apology.
Hi, SDW.
I really like that! I am going to have to try that strategy. :0)
– Faith
Faith,
I’m was just giddy when I noticed I was mentioned in your post…I felt honored. Thank you for that!
I just wanted to mention the book that is helping me with boundaries is a religion based booked by Henry Cloud called Boundaries.
Jackie: One of the most important lessons I learned in the beginning of setting boundaries was to “try it out” on a safe person/friend who could handle my boundary. Because you are right, when you’re no is respected, one feels empowered and healing. I have ran into many friends/family that are most resistant to my boundaries. Sometimes I give in, most often I stand firm. It is taking me time but the lesson is priceless.
Sworddancewarrior: This is so spot on for me. I finally realized I was carrying around alot of unnecessary resentment and bitterness because of my lack of boundaries. When I say yes to something that I don’t want to do, I was blaming the other person and starting to resent my friends for me having to attend their event, dinner, etc. When in fact, I should have honored myself and said no, thank you. As you said, politely but without apology.
Those are both great ideas! Thank you. I would love to try it out on people I can trust more. It is daunting to do, even with a set-up with my therapist, where she tells me she will honor my “no” and then I express it. Always feel fear. But I think the more I practice this, the easier it will be, especially when coming across someone who WON’T honor it or guilt-trip or bully you about it. I am building my strength. Paying attention to the resentment is really important too. That’s your no, loud and clear. It takes a lot of awareness for me to notice it, and then to not override it.
healthy boundaries… that’s a foreign language 🙂
i get the importance of those boundaries setting and totally agree with it, until there comes a point where i actually have to say no and insist on it. then, reaction of my friends and family, even if it’s not too bad, makes me feel so horrible that i think i’d rather do what they want from me than feel that way.
sometimes i have people wanting to help me look good but they do it in a manipulative way and i say no to good things.
I don’t where I got this on. Online somewhere maybe here. I apologize for not remembering.
Some boundaries do not have to be absolute as that puts pressure on me to remember. If you do that than I may decide to …., Then they get to make the choice to risk it.
I pondered this and figured out why the boundaries had never come up formally in therapy. Other than my current therapist I was not attached to any of them and my therapist has a solid understanding.
First if things get messed up we talk about them. It rarely happens. The door was locked once and she forgot one check in call that she was supposed to make. In 6 years.
I have messed up by not paying her. We talked about it.
I know the ethics of the mental health profession more thoroughly than most professionals. I know most of modern day ethics are really risk management in response to law suits. Case in point. A therapist has to report if there is abuse or someone is in danger. CA A therapist can not implant memories NH I do not know where the requirement for note taking comes from.
I e-mail or write when ever I want and my therapist reads everything I write. She does not respond. That is best for me.
We do hand hugs and stand up hugs.
We give gifts of small monetary value. We do not exchange gifts in that we may or may not give gifts for any particular holiday.
We know we can call her anytime if we are in danger. The criteria is if she is not available than we are in bad enough shape to go to a hospital.
We do call with good things rarely. Say we sing and we can see the colors. It is always something only she can understand.
We both always ask. Would you like to use the sand box or can I lay on the floor etc.
I am in charge in therapy. She does not say today we are gong to … or I think we should work on …
It is clear between us that I choose to see her and she chooses to see me.