On my blog entry entitled How to Move Past Betrayal by a Mother Figure, a reader posted the following comment:
I have read and read and read… about this whole “alter” thing and it still confuses me. I read the book Sybil, and I have watched videos of people with MPD changing into someone else. I was mostly wanting to know if I had it as well. My T says no I do not. I never lose time in the way they describe, but time is weird to me in that a day ago can seem like weeks ago to me. I know I am nothing like Sybil.
I do not have names for different personalities or anything like that. However, I do see different aspects of myself that can seem like whole different entities. When I am doing good, and confident, the person I feel inside cannot even hardly imagine the person I was a few days ago when I felt broken and insecure. It seems like a whole different person to me. When I am insecure, I do not feel like I can do anything. The road to an education seems so ludicrous to me I cannot even believe what I am doing. And then I shift inside and feel confident that I can get 4.0 grade average and I will conquer anything I set my mind too. That is just one example. However, I am fully cognitive of all of these major shifts going on inside of me.
Sometimes within the same few hours, I will feel happy and full of live and the future looks bright. Then in just a matter of a few hours or even minutes at times, life is not even hardly worth living. I am struggling inside.
What is all this craziness anyway? Is it the mid-life crisis? Is it hormones? My physician has assured me that my hormones are pretty stable. ~ Heavenly Places
My therapist is not a big fan of labeling patients. He did apply the label of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) only because he needed it to push through my denial. I kept arguing with them that what I had been through “wasn’t that bad,” “others had it worse,” etc. and simply refused to acknowledge that my abuse had been “that bad.” Seeing the label PTSD on the top of a white board with a list of painfully familiar symptoms was a powerful way to help me break through the denial and give myself permission to grieve the devastation of my childhood abuse.
My therapist is fully aware of my having alter parts and my work in integrating them outside of his office, but he never once attached a label for this. I was so fearful that he would think I was “crazy,” but he didn’t. Instead, he said that he doesn’t want to use labels because healing from trauma happens in the same way no matter what your label is – You need to talk about what happened until you no longer feel the need to talk about it anymore. Upon this foundation, I have added that you need to find a way to love and accept each part of yourself, whether that part is a memory, emotion, feeling, alter part, or any other internal “separation.”
I, too, saw the movie Sybil and did not relate because she was so out of control, and I never have been. My switching has always been seamless, which is the whole point of DID in the first place. I apply the DID label to myself because it helps me understand my healing process, but I see limitations in the label because it has been designed by mental health professionals from the outside rather than multiples who experience it from the inside. For example, I have talked to a couple of people with a Dissociative Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (DD-NOS) label whose experience is very similar to mine, only they split into colors instead of “personalities.” This is an important distinction to the DSM, but it really much is not of a distinction to me. Regardless of the label, I think that DID, DD-NOS, Dissociative Fugue, etc. are just ways that we try to explain to others how we dealt with the trauma in our own heads.
So, my advice is not to get too caught up in the label. If it is useful to you, use it to help you find additional resources for healing. For example, Chrystine Oksana’s Safe Passage to Healing provides some wonderful healing suggestions for people who have alter parts. Other than that, the label itself is not the part that matters. What matters is that you find a way to love and accept each part of yourself – each memory, feeling, experience, emotion, etc. There are many ways you can do this, and you don’t need a label to learn how to love and accept yourself.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Thanks for this post too Faith. =)
I’ve never gotten a formal diagnosis of any dissociative disorder myself, despite dissociative fugues, losing time, personality changes, abilities/skills that bemuse me, memories that I can’t place, multiplicity inside my head and all that.
Earlier on, I did not get diagnosed because I was convinced that noone would believe me, I’m just sick, crazy, attention seeking, making it all up, been reading too much psychology textbooks etc etc.
Or that if I got myself “labeled” I would truly allow myself to slide down into complete insanity and I was afraid to ending up totally mad.
Now, it’s mostly because I don’t want my insurance premiums to go up etc!
And…like you say, I don’t need the official labels to be healed.
Lately though, the way my internal environment has been changing…I am beginning to wonder if attempting to heal in a more specifically “DID” way would be very helpful…
Heavenly Places’ questions and your replies, Faith make this the most helpful post I’ve read. My situation seems to be very much like HP’s, and your reply perfectly typifies my t’s approach. Perhaps now I can stop worrying about a diagnosis, and concentrate on the work I need to do.
Thank you for the distinction between being labeled from the outside in and using a label to simply help us understand what is happening and help in healing. Learning that this healing process is to make me feel whole, free from torment, and present in this moment and reality rather than trying to please a group, a therapist or a spouse or even to fit in society, has been an immense epiphany for me. And a challenge. I never felt I got to “choose” how I acted, or what I thought about myself or others, the world, the universe…anything really. This has been a huge step away from a fear-saturated life. Hmmm…my point was…labels are only useful if they help us heal…period.
On that note, one book that helped me relax about the diagnosis of DID or other forms of that diagnosis was the book “The Myth of Sanity” by Martha Stout. I believe you mention it here in resources. It’s such a kind, honoring but clear approach to the idea of dissociation on a progressive (but not necessarily linear) scale. Made me feel real instead of crazy.
Thanks again, Faith, your constant relevancy is both refrashing and amazing to me. I believe it’s because you are simply authentic. Thank you!
Ruby
“I was so fearful that he would think I was “crazy,” but he didn’t. Instead, he said that he doesn’t want to use labels because healing from trauma happens in the same way no matter what your label is – You need to talk about what happened until you no longer feel the need to talk about it anymore”
I find comfort in these words.
I think along with knowing that diagnostic labels being something that exist from the outside, so too are therapists- meaning they are also on the outside. Some do better than others at knowing that they don’t know and can only help to the extent that they are willing to let the client’s experience be their own, and for the therapist to be the one that is learning from it. My worst experiences (which includes a recent one) is when the therapist tried to fit my experience into her construct- of what it was about, and what she should do with it. In doing so, she totally missed my reality, and I felt invalidated by her construct/label. I’m not saying that therapy isn’t worthwhile, but it is really important to stay secure in knowing that you are the only one who totally understands what you are going through, and that having anything imposed on you from outside is generally not going to be helpful.
Sidran Press had a book come out a while back entitled,
” MPD: From the Inside Out”
and I thought that Eliana Gill had a good short one that that she wrote a long time a ago.
regards,
d
In the early stages of my recovery, having finally been diagnosed with PTSD was actually a relief. It made me feel I wasn’t just totally crazy….there was an actual reason why I was feeling this way.
I do have to say in the beginning when I was searching for answers, I realized I actually fit in several of the “labels” provided by the DSM….I could one day be bipolar, the next be autistic, some other days I was DID. Smile. I finally had to let all of that just go! Now, I’m not caught up in the label at all, you are so right when you say it is used for insurance purposes only.
I am trying to remember the very nice way my therapist framed a version of this question for me. I know I’m not going to get it exactly right but I’ll try anyway. Basically she said that everyone has different ‘selves’: professional self, hanging-out-with-friends self, partner self, and so on. And everyone has access to some degree to earlier versions of themselves: maybe feeling joy like a small child while enjoying some simple, happy experience. But people who have experienced childhood (or other) trauma sometimes experience their access to their various selves differently: not being able to experience them all as related, or experiencing some as very frightening and painful, or feeling ‘stuck’ in a particular version. We weren’t talking about a DID diagnosis per se, but her explanation felt really reassuring and validating to me so I thought I’d share it here, too.
Well said Faith. I really appreciate what you offer here- thank you!
Very freeing- not to worry about a label, that is almost as if waiting for the verdict of a horrible disease. But rather, just knowing we each are unique yet have similar reactions and ways of coping. They don’t have to be classified. The focus is healing- not diagnosing. Thanks for taking the time and forethought to answer this question.
Definitely agree with labels not being important, it’s the person and healing that’s important, but they have been useful for us in a couple of situations.
Firstly, knowing I had a “dissociative disorder” helped me find a therapist that actually seemed to get where we were coming from, previous ones just made me feel like a weird freak.
Then when I had some issues at work about not taking on more hours I could tell my boss I had PTSD and he was very understanding and supportive and that was all I had to say, much easier than explaining more precisely what the problem was, which I might have had to do without the label.
Also for me it was kinda validating, like saying “you’re not crazy, it’s a coping strategy, it has a name, you’re not alone”, yes, we’re all different, but we can take some comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones struggling with all this. And without the label we’d have never found this and other online communities which we find so helpful and supportive.
Never thought I’d find myself writing a “pro-label” post. Go figure.
Bay, I was kinda waiting for this response :-p . I second this. I couldn’t have said it any better. What you wrote is completely true for me too.
Thx for expressing these thoughts in a much clearer way than I could have done.
“Find a way to love and accept each part of yourself – each memory, feeling, experience, emotion, etc. ”
These words just popped out at me. I have been in intense treatment for major depression and PTSD ( I know, labels) and have felt disoriented and confused. I have been in a partial day psychiatric hospitalization program for 4 weeks and will complete a fifth week next week. I have been chaotic and confused because I am in between living in unhealthy functioning to healthy. My unhealthy functioning methods were once necessary, to let me survive severe abuse. Now, as an adult with a family, what was once a way to survive, has now become detrimental to being able to thrive. I understand this concept and clearly recognize many of the coping skills I need to discard and replace. As I do all this work, though, I find myself so frustrated because I feel so vulnerable and unsettled and frantic much of the time. I need more “bigger picture” ideas like mantras to ground me and give me something to frame the other work. I have tons of scripture I am trying to apply, and nothing has more power than God’s word, but this phrase of yours did provide a very helpful umbrella goal for the difficult work I am now doing. The root of my pain and struggle and suffering is not the actual abuse, though it was heinous, but the effects of it – such as self-contempt, other-centered-contempt, insecurity, fear, starvation for love and the inability to fully accept it… As I work on practical skills and relating better with others and accepting God’s acceptance of me, your words – find a way to love and accept each part of yourself – each memory, feeling, experience, emotion, etc. – will help. If I could just do this, all work and healing would be so much better. Thanks, Faith.
I couldn’t agree more with this post. I think there is a danger with DID of being caught up in the drama of naming parts, considering what they might look like or what kind of personality they have and identity – or one can focus on the switching and what triggers it and what that feels like in great depth – and all that can be time-consuming and take away time from actual healing. I had a DID diagnosis but, unlike PTSD, I don’t find the diagnosis helpful or necessary in any area of my life: my T has the same approach as yours and doesn’t apply labels and yet does address the different parts of myself that need healing.
Like Michael on here (I think), I was the victim of intense mind control, all sorts of images and hypnotic commands etc were placed in my mind – as with the approach to DID I have found healing occurs more from rejection of their control and toxicity per se rather than super-detailed analysis of all the bad stuff in order to systematically reject it piece by piece, though there is a bit of that…
Thank you for this post, Faith. I needed this. I am diagnosed with DID, but it was done based on observations only and no psychological tests (I did get psych tets, but not for DID). Some people in my country say this is not the way diagnoses of DID should be done and that I should see a different therapist to maybe rule out DID. Other people mostly in other countries say that my diagnosis is fine. I need to realize that it doesn’t matter what therapists say is “wrong” with me: the important thing is I need to heal.
Your brief point about the PTSD and not believing your trauma was “bad enough” makes a lot of sense to me, too. I am not sure I have PTSD, but I may do, and I constantly question the seriousness of my trauma. It is of course also important in that sense that I was possibly quite young when it happened, so I do not remember much of it (and of course some of it my alters hold and I do not remember). Do any of you readers or Faith have this experience that you initially did not remember your trauma because it was at too young an age? When I ask non-survivors about their memories before age eight (which is the age DID usually develops), they respond that they have hardly any memories, so I’m wondering why so many survivors seem to have so many memories of their trauma at such a young age? Or is it a thing about trauma that you should remember it? Anyway, sorry for rambling.
Astrid- Others will have better more personal responses than this, but one thing I will comment on is that I don’t know of too many people who do have memories- that would be the point of dissociation- to be protected from them. But other things later in life start allowing them to come through- flashbacks, triggers to feelings and behaviors that don’t make sense in context, even realizing that that other people don’t lose time, and life is somehow different for them. It is when someone starts getting some of these clues that memories start to be tapped into.
I will let the experts expound upon this though with their responses.
One of the other therapists that I used to work with always had a simplistic view of DID which was sort of enjoyable. She dealt with general issues of trauma and abuse but didn’t see the need for extreme probing and exploration. She would just always tell her clients that she didn’t care how many of them there were. They just needed to all get in the same boat and row in the same direction. 🙂
I’m not saying that is the total answer, but it does sort of cut to the chase of what is ultimately involved in moving forward in life.
Mcr- I appreciate your description of how we all have different selves. That is what I have referred to as us all being multiple in some ways. Going by your description, I feel like I fall somewhere in a middle category. I have different parts of me- not just the roles I play, but times in my life- but I struggle with continuity. It is like I have been different people throughout different chunks of my life, and those parts don’t connect well. I find myself going back to different ages to try to find that one of me, and to bring it forward with me so that eventually we can all come together in more fullness. It felt weird to type the word “we” in the context of this blogsite because I am not a “we” in the same sense that most of you are, but I am still very aware of being many, and often I have to go seek some of those parts out to offer love and acceptance. Sometimes I need to receive that from them too.
I never “lost time” but many years can just pass and to me it’s nothing. So in that way I do lose time. I think it’s due to disassociation but I have a very strong memory with the past and also day-today occurrences. (Although when asked on Mondays what I did over the weekend I always must take a few minutes to remember, but once I remember I remember the details too.) This seems contradictory to be disassociated yet have a good memory, so I’m wondering if it’s possible.
Hi, Nancy.
My memory is similar to yours. When I am present, my memory is amazing. However, when I dissociate, the information is either “gone” or “fuzzy.”
– Faith
Faith- so, I have just come across this site. Long story short I’m 17. I just graduated from a Residential treatment center. I was taking from parents 19 times until I was finally removed into my Aunt and Uncles care. At age 12, they sent me to program after program. In Oregon, Utah, North Carolina, Montana, Back to Utah, Idado, Back to Utah, then finally back to North Carolina. I was sexually abused, beaten, strangled, hit, punched, drugged, stabbed, and burned. Anyone can read my ‘lifestory’ just by looking at me. I have been given the ‘label’ of PTSD. Some of the “programs” I was at were very $$$ gready and gave me fautly diagnosis to keep me there. Aspergers (wrong) Bipolar (wrong) Schizophrenia (wrong) BPD (wrong) DID (wrong). I was tested about a week ago after I graduated from my RTC and PTSD is the only thing that stuck. I am seeing a EMDR therapist and a therapist as well. They both have said I don’t have DID but I do dissociate many many times a day. I know that. When people see the burn scars on my face and see the scars on my arms. They assume I am a cutter (wrong). If I’m ever in a swim suit they see the tube hanging out of my stomach. They assume I’m anoxeric bc I’m so skinny. (Wrong) I have a feeding tube because of the acid I was forced to drink @ age 9. I can only eat certain foods and I will always be undernoursihed. I’m not sure why I rambled but you think after 12 years of living with the villans (my parents) I’d acknowledge what happened. I don’t think I ever did. I just floated through life. Then, my fairy-god parents (my aunt and uncle) took me but My Aunt is just as messed up as my Mom except she’s not abusive. I spent the last 6 years in RTCs, theraputic schools, hospitals, etc. I’m ‘home now’ but I am so close to 18 that I can choose to never see my abusers ever again. I really want to go to court. Everybody tells me to go. I have one reason I don’t want to go. Yet. I don’t want to dissocatie the whole court process. I am working hard to ‘accpet’ that I dissociate. I was recently offered a “free” cosmetic surgery bc of my ‘physical abnormalities’ if that’s even the right word? I’m scared to accept it. Any advice. Sorta off topic but it sorta kinda had a round-about way of getting to my dissociate. Thanks if and when and whoever responds. -Freckles in Crisis
Hi, Freckles.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through. My heart goes out to you.
– Faith
Thanks, Faith. I spent almost all day reading ur posts. Amazing Faith. Thank you. Your progesson is inspirational. I’m ready for my therapy apt tmrow! 🙂 I was wondering if u coulddo some sort of post of dissociation or discomfort and outa body experiences b/c of visable scars or damage? I know there are prob many ppl with visable scarage out there. Btw thanks for this blog. Never seen such honesty. -freckles
Hi Freckles, my heart goes out to you also, you’ve come through so much. I know it’s not quite what you’re asking, but I had surgery for a scar from being raped. The reason I went for it was that I couldn’t stand that someone had changed me physically, changed my body, without my permission. I wanted it put back the way it was. I’m glad I did it, but strangely the most comforting thing about it was that going through the process felt like everyone at the hospital was validating my feelings, as if they were saying “it’s ok for you to hate what’s happened to you, and we’re going to help you sort it out”. That meant that although the results weren’t 100% the way it used to be, going through it all was cathartic somehow and was a good step in my healing.
All the advice I can give you is to visualise, as much as you comfortably can, what things will be like when you’ve made a change, whether it’s surgery or going to court. Imagine it’s been done. See how you feel and let that guide you to deciding if now is the right time or if you want to leave it. I believe that if you find that it would be right to proceed, having gone through it in your mind and being certain of what you want to do should help keep you present when it’s happening. It’s your decision, it’s your life now, congratulations on making it this far :). Best of luck to you.
Jan, I’m not sure whether to say thank you or call you a blessing in disquise. I talked to my therapist today. She thinks is a miracle to have such extensive surgery for free. I think I know about the surgery you are talking about. I’ve always felt broken, but I think this might be a fix. I’ve done a lot of ‘work’ but nothings ever been ‘complete’. I will mention to my therapist on wednesay (I go 3 times a week for now). Thank you for your honesty. Thank you. That suggeston might give me the last push I need. Thank you. Freckles. And faith-thank you so much for this blog. Your resilence is amazing. The insightfulness is cleansing. Thank you!
Hey Freckles: glad I saw your post; I think Jan has a good clue: removing the ‘evidence’ from before your eyes helps YOU say: “I’m taking control over my body and NO ONE else is!” (perhaps that is a root in reluctance over the plastic surgery? Yielding control for even that one moment? We have/had lots of troubles dealing with anesthesia – the idea some was going to be ‘messing with us’ while we had no power to control them or run away or nuthin’.)
But (in mine and our opinion): it could be a good thing: reduces the scars, which reduces the appearance – which means not feeling so bad when you see yourself in a mirror (we have that.) Just hazarding a guess here, o’tay? But on the other hand, scars are a ‘badge’: like “yeah, I endured this.” – a reminder of strength. But they are also brands sort of: “Look: I was powerless to prevent this from happening to me.” So then shame. LOL, can we say ‘see-sawing’ like a mad hatter with himself??
So sorry that you had to go through the row you are hoeing – the parades of shrinkologists etc ad infinitum. Glad, however, that you are ‘seeing’ and ‘becoming’ and getting better all the time.
LOL, as for the DID/MPD stuff: we gave up; saying ‘screw it’, we’re gonna be who we’re gonna be and the heck with any others: LOL, happiness is never being alone, providing the ‘system’ is working. As Elaine said, “. . . . she didn’t care how many of them there were. They just needed to all get in the same boat and row in the same direction.” We have found this to be most true, and are happier now for reversing direction (attempting a ‘oneness’) to “embracing ourselves through love and understanding.” Amazingly, it has worked better than anything else (after 30 some odd years). Not that we have a therapist (they gave up on me and us some years ago; medicare and SSDI – huh! – not enough money, so screw it; they didn’t do nuthin’ for us noways except harm.)
Enuff – gots us works to do; time to run. Have fun, Freckles, in life: hope you have a joyous one ahead. You (and so many others IMO!) deserve it for what you’ve paid.
Jeffssong: yes, being ‘put under’, left alone, unconsious, in a black abyss, whilest stranger, surgeons, nurses, etc care for me while I am blinded, numb, asleep. They could manipulate me as a ‘puppet’ and ‘I’d have no idea”. Not saying they would, but my mind always go there. As a survivor, most people(not all) go there. I want to be ‘cleansed’ of the marks, and scars. I have no mirrors in my room or bathroom. I hate seeing myself. Worst feeling in the world. I know it may sound very selffish to some ‘why I wouldnt take such a expensive cosmetic surgery for FREE’. The answer: fear. I’m meeting with the surgeon this afternoon. At 330. Just to meet her. And see ‘what I could look like’. I’m nervous and petrified at the same time. Thanks all for the comments. After 17 years of being trapped in this damaged body, I might feel free from the scars and damage. I know ill never be whole but I can get pretty dayummmmmm close. 🙂 and maybe, I will go out and buy the biggest, most expensive, clearest mirror money can buy! Well, a girl can hope right? As for the ‘placements’ I mentioned in other posts, I’ve always been the pitty kid, the treatment kid, the parentless kid, the broken one. The one with the feeding tube. The one who will never be pretty. I’ve always prayed for miracles while in those programs….even tho girls were stripped of their drugs, their designer clothes, their makeup (in some places), they still found a way to be pretty. Pretty hair, pretty smiles, confidence. After this surgery, I may finally get my wish. I may be one of them! Of course, ill still have this dayum feeding tube…but hey, with the right outfit no one would notice, right? Thanks again, fAith. I’ve been reading ur blog every chance I’m online. So true, so resilient, so capturing of the truth. You are not just a survivor, Faith. You are a thriver. Thanks for sharing your healing with the rest of us. 🙂
Hey Freckles 🙂
Curious about something:
“. . . fear. I’m meeting with the surgeon this afternoon. . . . I’m nervous and petrified at the same time.”
Fear of what, hon? That doc’ll say “Nope, too mucked up?” Fear of ‘change”? (That’s rooted in the fear of the unknown, BTW, which is an old left over ‘survival advantage’, nothing to do much with ‘real life’ in the modern world.)
We’ve found whenever we find ourselves feeling something … odd, or bad, or scary sounding: we tend to look at the thing. Pin that ol’ bugger-roo down and dissect it’s butt, squirming legs and all – seeing what makes the ol’ thing tick. Fears included. Sometimes we discover the cause isn’t a cause at all: it’s something that makes US tick – and then we can begin to ‘heal from it’ or correct it some bit. Never gonna be perfect, we are – but hey, we’re tryin’, which is more than some I know (abusers coming to mind here).
Anyway, Fickle: I hope you get what you are desiring; a ‘new human body’ – and yeah, the feed tube can be ‘disguised’ (hey, maybe a flower or two, some art paint . . . just laughin’ – not at you, but at us: we’re the artistic kind; always turning some kinda ‘disadvantage’ into an advantage of some kind; it’s our ‘trick’ to handling some kinds of disasters in our lifetimes.)
But I’ll tell ya, Fick: I think from the sounds of it you are so very much beautiful inside that it’s a wonder the outside is even containing it. So much of it (things, the world, our own selves) – is seen through our own eyes, not the eyes of others.
Personally, I’m wondering why your scars haven’t just come out bursting in flowers . . .
But that’s just me; kinda weird, I know; we’re all in this together I’m reckoning (we’re reckoning, LOL) – time to move on: and bless ya, Flick: for staying in there when times were tough, and getting a move on towards your own kinda happiness somewhere . . . in sometime (okay, singin’ “Over the Rainbow”, Dorothy and Oz . . . goin’ now … humming along 😀
Jeffssong and jan…I meet with the surgeon and her team. 1 have one visit on Tuesday and then I find out all of the stuff I need to know and if all goes well, iget the surgery on Friday morning. A week from today. Nervous is a understatement. If my scars were flowers thatd be pretty. They aren’t pretty. No guyd ever kiss me other than my father and his porno minions…no one would want to marry me. But maybe. But maybe. I might have a chance. This surgery isn’t a 100% fix but it can dissolve my scarage by a 65-86%. If all goes well. It’ll be painful. But if I could post pics on this webstire I would. Maybe goes has a plan. Maybe I won’t turn from the “ugly duckling’, but ‘I’m stuck in the ugly duck body for a purpose. And jeffsong, when I get feedings, I hang my nutribags on a IV pole. The pole is cover is stickers. No silver shows. There is some flowers on there :p. Nervous but excitement and I’m lucky really lucky I found this blog. You didn’t change my mind, but you opinions are those of a survivor. One that can help. Honest pure raw. Thanks soooooo mcuh!
Hi, Freckles.
Having scars won’t prevent you from marrying as long as you find a quality man. The more you heal yourself emotionally, the more likely you are to attract a quality man. Your skin is only one part of you, and it is far from the most important part. The true beauty of a person comes from the inside. :0)
– Faith
Faith is right about beauty. When you get to the point where you really feel that you truly “own” your body, whatever it happens to look like *is* beautiful. It sounds like you’re doing great; there’s real soul shining through in your comments. I hope you’re feeling ok. Good luck for this week.
Freckles- It makes sense that you are anxious or fearful. Changes bring about all kinds of anxiety. That is really normal for all of us. Any fear of the actual surgery is normal because surgery hurts physically. Fear of being violated in any way while under anesthetic makes sense considering what you have been through- but it is only a past fear echoing- it is not reality this time. It really is a time that you are taking charge of the direction your life goes and what happens to your body. That is a good thing. The more abstract fears can be things like- what if it doesn’t make as much difference in your life as you hope?; or what if it does make such a big difference in your life that you don’t know how to handle it?- or any other millions of possibilities that run through your emotional slide show. But those are things that you just walk into then you re-orient to your new reality.
So, good news everybody. Its only 5 days until my surgery. I meet with her on tuesday first tho. My Aunt promised me I could get my ears pierced and my hair cut after I heal enough. And Idk if I mentioned how messed up my face is. But I broke my face (yes I broken my face lol. Cheeck bone/eye socket) and my eye sits very far back and doesn’t open/close properly. They might be able to fix it enough to wear I can see a lot better and have contacts instead of glasses. My scars (burning one) run from the top of my left eye brow, (missed my left eye) across my forhead (my right eye is the messed up one) and down my right check, nose, ear, skull, neck, check and it goes over my shoulder down my back a little and on my top right arm (hurmous I think is the bone) and over my right side/chest. It happened when my father threw gas liquid on me and threw a match. But right now its easter sunday. I am so nervous/excited. My therapist has prescribed a sedative for tuesday night-friday morning to keep my anxiety calm. But on thursday night a secret suprise party that my therapist, the social workers that I still know, a couple off staff from the programs (the 2 in NC) and my Aunt and StepUncle are going to have a dinner party for me! A party! Its supposted to be a surprise but I found out. :p ahhhhh. I think this is one of the best moments since I put into my aunt and stepuncles care. Outta my parents, outta the step monsters, out of all the abusive crazy foster cares, shelters.) I can’t wait. My aunt said I prob won’t be able to see right away. I hate mirrors. As I said there is none in my room or bathroom. There is only one is aunts bedroom and guest room. I hate mirrors but I will want to look In the mirror on friday asap! Even a 1% would be perfect. To me anyways. I’m so excited! Sorry, I can’t “contain’ I’m little jumpy. And I have sucked on choclate bunnys all day. I can’t eat them, but I suck on them!! 🙂 such a special treat! And I will start college in the fall all new! I can’t wait!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Good luck, Freckles.
I will be thinking about you this week. Please keep up posted!
– Faith
Freckles, you sound like an amazing person. I will hold your name in prayer all this week. I’m so happy for you!
sounds great, Freckles! Lots happening, lots to look forward to! LOL, bet you are just about to burst with excitement; I know it must be hard to contain. Best thing I know to do is we stop looking ‘forward’ too much when we get too excited because it can lead to . . too much excitement (an uncomfortable feeling?) – so we try not to look much further than now or the lunch today, LOL! I’m guessing we are lucky in that way we can ‘separate’ and put the ‘others’ (usually little ones all too excited or teenager not to excited by sometimes with bad feelings – we put them ‘away’ for a little while until its time. Don’t know how it is for you there. But it sounds like a great START! You know how medical goes they never can do everything in one pass one swat. But like healing it’s babysteps at a time, LOL!
Will be glad to hear how it goes; don’t get too hopeful, o’tay? That makes any improvements feel so much better when you don’t hope too much, I know I do that one. And maybe then you’ll be happy when you see the mirrors (or not too bad) cuz’ you’ll see the progress sciences is making on you. We expect the best and hope for better for you hon be good and of good cheer and don’t let fright get you down. It WILL all be okay 😀
Saw compurised images of what could be possible. super nervous. I’m checked outalot today. I’m going to be going on sedatives so what the ell. I’m happy bc This scar is what ppl define be by. ScarFace or Crispy. But not anymore. Come friday I will be new. Faith, is there anyway to uplaod photos? I want to share it with you all because anything is possible! 🙂 I can’t believe this is happening!!!! Its a miracle. I never thought miracles could happen. Faith, I was wondering if you could do a post about night terrors. Like when u wake up soaked in sweet and thinking its real. You stuck in the past. The cry. The heavy crying. And ‘body memories’ like if u wake up and you feel pain of someone hurting you? But its in your head. And not happening but u think it is. I hope I totally don’t sounds loopy. I’m being serious this happens to. And the feelings feel real and The feelings associated or direct me to a post if uve already done one? Thanks 🙂 t-3 dayssssssssssss. -freckles
Hi, Freckles.
If you want me to post the photos, you can email them to me. My email address is on the “About Faith Allen” tab.
I have added your question to my topic queue. Next week is all about me freaking out from triggering and recovering from it, so I won’t cover the topic next week.
Good luck with your procedure! :0)
– Faith
Freckles-
I’m glad you are moving forward with this. It is a good thing. Do you know anything about how much they will be able to accomplish in one surgery. These things usually take several surgeries to get the effects that you want. That may not be true in your case for some reason though. so I am just curious how your healing is being handled.
The night terrors and body memories are all a typical part of what people experience when having gone through the types of terrible abuse that you have. With body memories, it tends to help if you respond assertively, but pushing the unknown abuser away- or saying “no.” It is all a way of taking back your power. Your body is remembering the past as though it is in the present. so it makes sense to respond to it in the present as a way of letting yourself (and your memories) know that you are not helpless anymore. There are many ways of dealing with night terrors- especially if you have the memory of what it was about when you wake up. Sometimes you can think about how you would like to respond to the scene that played out during your night terror. Think about how you would like to handle it. As you make a mental plan on how you would handle such a situation in a way that you want, that can actually work its way into your dream life so that those actions start taking place in your dreams. There are many ways to deal with those things. I am just offering one suggestion. I will let others offer their views.
Freckles,
The body remembers; so does the mind; so do those ‘parts’ if you’ve got them.
For as long as I could remember for like 48 years I did not know what a ‘good dream’ was. Every dream ended the same: with heartbreak loss, or pain, or worse things; some sexual, some not; bad news all around. Eventually we got ‘used’ to them; after awhile more like stupid entertainment; flip off the sheets, go take a shower (getting grounded) or do something would help.
I don’t know if it has been time or just the retelling and revisiting the stories in my life has helped lay them to rest. This is NOT to say they don’t upset the bejeezus out of me. Some still do. Some I laugh and say so someone can make a joke out of them; laughing outside while I’m crying in. Or sometimes WE do it (I’m a mulitple); hard and harsh and laughing: minimalizing, the psychologists say. I think we all do that one, no?
But I think telling helps the best: that revisit and revisit – slow, slow, baby steps, bitty steps sometimes, and don’t go looking into dark places too soon (we did that one and it scarred us some for life I’m thinking.) You know the ones I mean: the dark ones in your mind; buried memories and such. They’ll come when they come. Meanwhile you can work on neutralizing – and do as we old Marines used to do: you work with every weapon at your disposal (including the suggestion above) – at every level you can, but not pushing it so hard as to do you excess damage.
The surgery sounds as though it will go fine; competent physicians, plastic – sounds like a new life unfolding for you on the outside one (body) and now the mind to follow. You’ll get better in time; you’ll see.
Wishing you the best, and enjoy the sedatives while they last, LOL!
I had my last super 🙂 I’m pretty drugged out. Tmrow is the day. I had the party. There was so much ‘love’. I really felt loved. So much crying. It was amzing! Amazing. Amazing! I’m super tired. I have to get up @ 500am and be at the clinic/hospital at 630am. I’m soooo nervous. I may even get to watch the royal wedding for abit! I will send you a email when I get home. Whenever that is. Goodnight yal! 🙂
Good luck, Freckles.
Sending lots of positive thoughts and energy your way! :0)
– Faith
Wherever you are, whatever stage you’re at right now Freckles, you’re in my thoughts. Best of luck.
Freckles,
I have not posted as I am in awe of your strength. I just wanted to leave a reply so if you check this blog you may know that you are very strong.
Michael
Freckles- I too am thinking and praying and sending positive energy your way (pick which one suits your own belief system so that it is relevant). 🙂 You are amazing. The strength that I see in you, and in others who participate in this blog just totally blows me away. You represent the best of the human spirit.
Doing okay. Not home yet. I’m pretty sore but I’m trying to be hopeeful. 🙂 <- that's my attempt 🙂 my room looks like a dam flower shop 🙂 thanks everybody. Faith ill send u some decent picture after I am allowed to shower and such 🙂 I still haven't seen yet. They did more area than I was told. I mean I guess I shouldn't complain. They took some skin off my thigh and lower back to help 🙂 didn't know that. But can't complain. Donmt know when I will look in a mirror. One day at a time, right? I boycotted the 'gowns' and I got blue scrubs :p wahooooooo!
Hi, Freckles.
Thanks for checking in! I am so glad the surgery is behind you. I hope that you are pleased with the results. :0)
– Faith
Thanks for the update. You are my hero. I never had a hero before.
Michael
LOL, Freckles – pull the flowers closer and take deep smells of them; always relaxes me; puts us in a good frame of mind; ‘specially if you’re looking at them a LOT real close.
Glad you got this portion of your surgeries done; sorry it hurts, but know how that feels. Maybe they’re giving you good drugs, eh? Always nice to feel tho’ I hate them drowsy side effects.
Sorry they had to patch you up from here and there; been in medical once for a long time so I know how it goes: you gotta remove from here to patch over there; graft rejections are a B***. Best to use the patient’s own skin (plus I think/have always shuddered a bit at the cadaver skin theory: works, but …. yikes and yuck, ya know?).
Don’t expect perfect results, but do expect looking somewhat better. REMEMBER: the “fines” (fine scars alongside the edges of patchworks) will fade in time – perhaps one or two years; perhaps a few months, depending upon the skills of the doctors, and your own healing type. So when you look in the mirror the first time do not be disturbed and think “oh wow, this sucks still” cuz’ what you see won’t be there in a few months from now. Things will only get better.
So glad to hear you are o’tay, still kickin’ around, and got plenty of pretty flowers to smell. We like them (the flowers). LOL, too bad they won’t let a few butterflies loose in your room; that would really be beautiful.
Until later hon and keep the chin up, eyes bright and excited, and mind active and alive.
[…] my blog entry entitled “I Don’t Know If I Have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)”, a reader posted the following comment: Faith, I was wondering if you could do a post about night […]
Hey Faith Allen. I’m back. Haven’t checked in, in months. They surgery went well, they reduced the scarage by 68%. Not to shabby? Im in college, have had a rough time adjusting and making friends. Im going to transfer back home to my Aunt and Uncle and go to community college. You are all amazing and I still read this blog. Keep it up.
Hi, Freckles.
Thanks for checking in. I wondered how the surgery went. Glad to know that it went well. :0)
– Faith