I am writing this blog entry on Easter Sunday, so hopefully this awful weekend will be a distant memory by the time you read this. Three days before Easter, my mother/abuser sent me a card. For those of you who have been following my saga, you will remember that she sent me a card in February telling me that **she** was letting **me** go. You can read about that here. I had a feeling it wouldn’t last, and it hasn’t.
My sister had given me a heads up that my mother planned to send my son something for Easter. Whatever. I have been too insanely busy with my new job to deal with mother drama. So, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to get the card. It basically said that she loves me too much to let me go … can’t do it … blah, blah, blah. She said she would respect my wish for her not to contact me, but she wanted to send holiday, birthday, and Christmas cards/presents to my family. I set the card aside and didn’t really process it.
The next day (Earth Day), I saw the African Cats movie that stressed the protection and sacrifice that “all” mothers provide for their children as shown by these wildcats. This apparently triggered me, but I didn’t realize it.
After the movie, I went back to my friend’s house for a while, and I out of the blue told her about my mother’s card from the day before. I also mentioned how much I hate Easter because all of my friends “go away,” etc. (I also experienced a severe trauma on Easter Sunday when I was two years old that affects me to varying degrees from year to year.) I noticed that I was feeling and acting “off” – talking fast and louder than normal, feeling detached and lightheaded, etc. I didn’t know why.
Then, I found another card from my mother in the mailbox when I got home — this time to my son. It was just an Easter card with no money or present in it. She signed the card, “Love, Nana” with little hearts drawn on it, and that really did bother me. I got more and more triggered but didn’t really realize it until it was really bad. I emailed my friend and said that I was very triggered but didn’t know why. I took a Xanax, but even that didn’t calm me down much.
My friend is the one who connected the dots – that my reaction had to do with this unwanted and unexpected contact from my mother over a holiday weekend that is triggering for me anyhow. As soon as she said this, I started crying and just wanted to rock myself. I wound up binge eating (I’ll write about that) and having a bad headache on Saturday.
This is getting too long. More tomorrow…
Photo credit: Hekatekris