As I shared in this blog entry, I “fell off the wagon” with my eating disorder on April 22 after becoming very triggered by two unwanted contacts from my mother/abuser in two days. Rather than beat myself up for a failure, I am choosing to celebrate the fact that I made it 47 days without binge eating, which means that I go even longer next time!
I have a big star on my calendar on March 7, which was the day I chose to focus on freeing myself from this not-so-good “old friend” that has been a part of my life since I was 12 years old. I have another big star on April 23 to mark the start of my second round of fighting the eating disorder.
I really do have a lot to celebrate. First of all, I succeeded in not binge eating through the stress of starting a new job, feeling overwhelmed and powerless when the expectations kept seeming to shift, and through several triggers. I succeeded in losing ~ 10 lbs during this time as well. My clothes are fitting me loosely, and that feels really good!
Even when I “fell off the wagon,” it wasn’t with the intensity of prior compulsions to overeat. While we had plenty of ice cream and chips in the house, I chose to have a small portion of a leftover burrito and some peanut butter – that’s it. I am classifying this as a “binge” because I was truly not hungry and only eating to meet an emotional need. It was also a compulsion that I must eat rather than a choice to eat. However, what I put into my body was high in protein, and it wasn’t anywhere near the intensity of the binges that I have battled throughout my life.
I chose not to “beat myself up” but, instead, be compassionate toward myself. I recognize the level of triggering that brought back the old pattern of behavior. I was blindsided twice in two days. Clearly I am still extremely vulnerable to any sort of contact from my mother, so I need to follow my friend’s advice to dispose of any letters rather than read them. I need to take my power back and stop letting my mother/abuser have this kind of power over me.
Over the past two days (the two days since the binge), I have been able to go right back to where I was before. By choosing not to heap guilt and shame onto myself for the binge, the bad feelings did not take on a life of their own. I am still feeling very triggered, but I am not using food to self-medicate. I am very proud of myself for this, and I am feeling very hopeful about my next round exceeding 47 days.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
That is definitely something to give yourself acknowledgment for. Did you say you are following a book in this? Can you remind me of the title?
I would like to try it as well. I eat lots of ice, almost non-stop. I started that over a year after I started therapy. I eat chalk sometimes to, and binge eat. The funny thing is, my mom ate ice and chalk. When I was in grade school, I used to dip my finger in the chalk dust under the chalk board and eat it. And now, all these years later, while trying to work through my past with very little memories to work with, the both have become almost a constant obsession. Weird!
Hi, HP.
The book is “Women, Food and God.” (God = spirituality, not religion). Here is the link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1416543074?ie=UTF8&tag=bloolotu-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1416543074
– Faith
Good for you, Faith Allen!
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You are working hard!
Faith,
Congratulations and good for you!!
I think you have discovered the key to stop or change unwanted behavior and that is to stay present, allow yourself the temporary slide, BUT… make improvements to your choices in the moment (like choosing peanut butter and leftover real food as opposed to icecream and chips) That is really big!!!
I also admire how you chose to frame this as a win for enduring so long rather than a hit for sliding.
You are doing so great! And if you have any doubts or find yourself feeling poopy, just go back to some of your older entries and see the improvements you’ve made to your coping skills and the general overall feel of your life.
Peace,
mia
good for you. it’s hard to start again. i self harm and sometimes “fall off the wagon”… when it happens i forgive myself and start again. it’s really the only way to get better.
Wow, nice one. Good work!
I have problems on and off with binge eating. At the moment not doing well, so your story helps to give us hope that it is possible. Think I’ve pretty much been eating non-stop for the last week or so. Try to limit myself to eating something every hour, which still sounds ridiculously excessive to me, yet can’t even keep to that. Feel yucky.
Guess the solution is to deal with my feelings and not stuff them down with chocolate and cookies and whatever else. Just sometimes, well, sometimes that’s just really hard.
oh faith, yay ! yay! great job!
ah , peanut butter =)
Wow, great job!
If anyone wanted to get a perspective on the effects of child abuse and coping with the aftermath then they should come here, thankyou for sharing.