Archive for May 6th, 2011

After I wrote yesterday’s blog entry, I felt better just getting the anger out. I noticed that my shoulders were incredibly tense (go figure!) and did some yoga. I had planned to pray and then do meditation, but I did not get that far. Instead, I started to cry … and cried and cried while I rocked myself like a child. That moved into a trauma-induced shaking fit that lasted for five or six minutes.

From there, I yelled at G*d for a while, expressing my deep anger at the unfairness of it all – my childhood, my bondage to my mother/abuser and her ability to trigger me like this, G*d’s supposed love for her that is supposed to equal His love for me (based on what I hear at church), etc. I just let it all pour out.

After that ended, I stayed curled up on my side on my yoga mat and continued to cry. As I did, I thought about how tired I am of being other people’s “collateral damage.” My father didn’t want to break up his marriage or have it go public that his wife sexually abused his daughter, so I was the collateral damage in his choice to do nothing. My sister didn’t want to prevent our mother from coming to her college graduation, so I was the collateral damage – having to deal with several weeks of triggering (before, during, and after the graduation) to be a part of my sister’s celebration.

Other people seem to view me as “strong enough,” “nice enough,” or “accommodating enough” to s@#$ all over me as collateral damage because they don’t want to do the right thing. It’s easier to throw me under the bus than it is to take a stand for what is right.

I would never in a million years ask my child to suck it up and interact with someone who traumatized him. I would act as a shield on his behalf, and I would never put him in the position of having to miss out on something positive (like being part of a loved one’s big day) because I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of a child abuser.

I don’t understand this pattern of throwing me under the bus to keep the peace, and I am finished with it to the extent I have the power. I am finished with trying to be the bigger person, trying to see my mother/abuser’s point of view, trying to be kind to her, trying to “honor” her (as prescribed by my faith), and basically finished with s@#$ing all over myself just because she is unhappy with this arrangement. If she had not raped me, and if she had not driven me to numerous other people to be repeatedly raped, then she wouldn’t be in this position today. I am not the person who created this situation – she is. I am sick to death of trying to force myself to be OK with my abuser contacting me when I am not. I’m done.

From now on, I am taking my friend’s advice. Any contact to me will be burned and thrown away without entering my house. Any letter to my child can be opened to look for money or a check and then must be thrown away outside of the house. I would send her another “Back the f@#$ off” message, but that clearly doesn’t work with her – it will only encourage her to contact me more because she is getting a response. I will not give her any further response. I have had enough.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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