On my blog entry entitled So F@#$ing Angry at Mother/Abuser, a reader asked me the following question:
I have to ask, Faith, as this is honestly that only got my mother, one of my sexual abusers as well, to leave me the EFF alone as well…
when you have written her, have you given her specific details of your memories? Have you ever directly called her what she is and relayed memories back to her? For me/us (me and my insiders) doing this pulled the covers back off our mother in such a way that she was so ashamed she never even tried to refute it–
She tried getting family members to contact me, but i continued sending her the same letter, and adding new memories to it. Guess what? In our case, the truth, the UGLY, BLUNT, DIRECT, no longer beating around the bush truth let us free. ~ Journal of Healing
The short answer is no.
When I was in therapy, my therapist and I discussed whether or not I should confront her. His advice was that, due to her mental illness (he strongly believes she has schizophrenia, and I agree – She has never sought a diagnosis because she thinks “hearing G*d’s voice” audibly is “normal”), a confrontation is not going to meet any of the needs I would hope to get out of it. He believes she truly does not consciously remember the abuse and, if confronted with it, the truth could cause her to have a psychotic breakdown.
When deciding whether or not to confront an abuser, I think the child abuse survivor needs to put some thought into what you hope to get out of the confrontation and then objectively determine whether that outcome is likely. If it is not, I don’t see the point of putting myself through the emotions of a confrontation when what I hope to gain from it won’t happen.
I have no desire to have her “get crazier.” I also have no desire to put more of a burden on my sister, who as the only child still in contact with our mother/abuser feels responsible for picking up the pieces. My sister would be the one dealing with the psychotic woman, and I don’t want to do that to my sister.
And then, at the end of the day, what would I have gained from setting off the chain of events to cause this much damage? Very little. I don’t see my mother taking responsibility and apologizing – I see her falling deeper into her insanity, which could cause her to continue to send me letters but of a more insane variety. If she has a psychotic break, she will become even more unpredictable, as she did when my father passed away suddenly in high school.
I see too many negatives and too few positives coming out of a confrontation, which is why I don’t do it. Thanks for asking the question, though. I periodically have to remind myself why I have made this choice. I still think it is the best choice in my situation.
Photo credit: Hekatekris