Yesterday, I shared that I had recovered a traumatizing ritual abuse memory that you can read about here. I have not had much time to process the memory yet. A few of my friends have been dealing with some big issues, so my focus has been on supporting them. I had hoped to talk with at least one offline friend about the memory, but that hasn’t happened yet.
One thing that I have been really focusing on is seeing the “forcing the child to kill” ritual from a different perspective. I have shared before about processing the memory of believing that I had been forced to kill a child. From the adult perspective, I know that it was all a ruse. However, the nine-year-old child inside did not know this, so it was very painful to heal that memory.
So, now I recovered this memory showing the same event but from a different perspective. This time, instead of being the child with the knife in my hands, I was standing on the sidelines watching the same ritual and believing that my sister was being sacrificed. This event happened roughly a year before the time that I was forced to participate in this ritual.
This new memory has connected some dots for me. I have known in my head that ritual abuse is systematic, but I guess until recovering this memory, I kind of saw it as happening to me as an individual. This memory has helped me recognize that this truly was systematic ritual abuse. I was moving down the conveyor belt in the mill. First I saw what was ahead on the conveyor belt, and then I was a part of it a year later. As a fragmented child, I did not connect the dots. As an adult, I see that this was a systematic way of “grooming” and traumatizing children.
This is also my first confirmation that my sister and I were, in fact, drugged. Again, I have known this for a long time, but I had no concrete memories to support this fact. This memory showed me my drugged sister, which has made the reality of my having been drugged by my abusers feel much more concrete and “real.”
Like I said … I haven’t really been able to process it all yet. I am doing OK. Because I did so much work healing the last memory, this one doesn’t have anywhere near the emotional punch that the last one did. However, I do still feel “off” today and probably will for a little while. That was a big “little dog.”
Photo credit: Hekatekris