*******trigger warning – ritual and emotional abuse; religious triggers*******
On Monday, I shared a recently recovered ritual abuse memory. The next night, I recovered more of the memory. The “part two” shook me up much more than that “part one,” but I am not sure why. My offline friend said that it made perfect sense to her.
As I was trying to go to sleep the following night, I was right back under the stars again watching my sister being “murdered.” However, this time, instead of fast-forwarding to the next morning, someone grabbed me roughly from behind by my upper arms, lifted me in the air, and carried me over to my table, where he threw me down on my back. I did not see or hear him coming, so I was both startled and frightened. As I recovered this part of the memory, my body released body memories of how it felt to be lifted and thrown down by my upper arms.
He raped me on the table. My body released the feelings of being raped (always a “pleasure” – NOT!). While he did that, someone else walked over to the blood splattered everywhere, took a handful of it, and rubbed it all over me as the other one continued to rape me. I was sickened inside but had no reaction to it outwardly.
I had been raped many times before, but this time it didn’t matter anymore. Up until then, everything had been about protecting and saving my sister. I was always threatened with her death – if I did not obey, they would kill my sister. Now they had, so what was the point? It didn’t matter what they did to me any longer. I didn’t care. My reason for being alive had ended. I didn’t care what they did to me. There was no one left to protect.
I got off the table and walked to the right. I couldn’t “see” in the memory what was there. In my flashbacks, I always see the set up from the same perspective. The bonfire is in the middle. My table is at 8:00, and the brick wall that I see when I feel the urge to self-injure is northwest of me. My sister is at 10:00 when she is on her table. At 4:00 is where my abusers brought in and slaughtered my dog. I always entered from 9:00 and went to my table. I cannot “see” 6:00, but that is where I went. I don’t know if it was a place to clean up or what.
I remember climbing into the front seat of our VW beetle with my mother at the wheel. It didn’t occur to me to look in the backseat to see if my sister was there since I believed she was dead. I don’t remember much … just having no reason for being alive.
Then, I flashed back to the next morning and the jarring shock of seeing my sister alive and well, walking into the kitchen to eat her breakfast. She didn’t sleep in her bed that night (next to mine). I awoke to her empty bed and believed she was dead. Then, she was alive and OK. I didn’t know how to process this.
Photo credit: Hekatekris