This week, I have been dealing with a pretty heavy-duty memory that I wrote about here and here. In part because this is the last week of school, and in part because I am slammed with playing “catch up” on my obligations after a month of working 30+ hour weeks at my new part-time job, I haven’t really had the opportunity to grieve this heinous memory.
A part of myself feels frustrated because I can feel the terror as a ball of ice in my stomach. I am having trouble staying in my body because I am so triggered, which makes it hard to stay connected with what my body is feeling. This is an issue even with basic things like whether or not my body is hungry. I find myself eating more than my body needs, in part because the taste of food is a distraction from the ball of ice, and in part because I am so out of touch with what my body needs and does not need.
I was also hit with some day-to-day bad news involving my kid’s medication. We had similar news back in November, and I reacted full force by finding another part-time job with unbelievable intensity. This time, I had a similar reaction in looking for a full-time job, but I was able to pull out from this after 24 hours versus the two months of intensity I went through last time. I feel like I am able to be more rational and logical about solutions this time than I was last time, so that is making progress.
Even with the eating thing, I am not having huge binges like I used to. I am not remotely tempted to bang my head. I know in the moment that this awful feeling won’t last. In fact, I even know what I need to do – I need to let myself feel the pain. I need to sit with the pain, bawl my eyes out, throw things, and release all of these pent up emotions. However, I don’t want to (and am limited on free time this week), so I am staying in this place of uncomfortable limbo in large part due to my own choices.
I am trying to be compassionate toward myself. This was a huge memory to recover. It was an incredibly traumatizing and confusing event.
One other difference I am noticing is that, for the first time in years, I am not triggered by the end of school. I typically go into a funk of feeling “abandoned,” fearing that all of my friends will “go away” over the summer and that I will be alone. There is not one ounce of me that is feeling that way this year, which is a huge leap forward.
So, even though I am not doing so great, I am able to see, even from this painful place, all of the progress that I have made. I also know exactly what I need to do – I just can’t seem to make myself do it yet. That will come.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I sometimes have the image of ice. Sometimes it needs to be melted, sometimes it is a matter of chipping away sometimes it just cracks in different pieces on its own.
I swim in a pool. I once took an icicle in the pool to see what would happen. They do not last long in the heat of the pool. I walked with the ice one in each hand and every once in a while I would take it out of the water to see that it was smaller. I use this imagery now sometime.
I have the frustration of finally knowing what to do and not being able to do it. Not only do we all deserve to have it in the past we know it would make what we are doing right now so much more what we want. It is better than before which felt like digging a foundation with a spoon when we know a backhoe is coming.
Sometimes this ice becomes after a much work bubbles. Then the bubbles just pop and we are aware they have popped.
Our reality is that when we get to the place where we know what to do and just can not create the situation for it to happen we are tired at best. This is better than before when we would be exhausted and might not find the way back to where we can do what needs to be done for years. Decades really. A life time in fact.
After I have had a memory come into my consciousness or more if it comes I am in a different physical state. As best I can I stay with this state and learn more about it. I used to totally resist this. Very much why do I need to learn this when once I am done processing the trauma I will be done. I have found that as I stay with these states they turn into states that are for the now and I will always use. Loss is part of life.
In a real way I used my multiplicity to minimize loss and avoid it and am now better able to minimize loss in the now than I used to be when processing trauma and am more able to risk loss which is part of living to the fullest. Long way to go and it has been a long and nothing less that treacherous journey to get to here.
I have noticed that I morph into taking care of other people. Making sure they are OK. That is part of who I am. I work hard to not blame others for not being OK so I can do the work I need to do.
It is called PTSD as it is about what happened after the trauma was not happening in the present. Notice I did not say it was in the past. The having the memory come being exhausted and not being able to create the situation where I can grieve almost mirror what happened when we were processing the trauma when it was happening in real time. That the world has no clue what I am going through is a pretty clear reflection of what happened them.
Grieving is such lonely work. One has to be able to live this being that alone. I find that for me I can now be more with people now I can live the pain of being alone.
I will not write that I am sorry you are going through this as that would be dishonest. I am very sorry that you have to. You see I need to believe it has a purpose.
Journey on,
Michael
It sounds like you are doing very well in maintaining awareness of your needs and knowing how you can meet them but prioritizing what you can do now and what has to wait. I sometimes consider how I would look after a child of the age I was when traumatized if she came to me to be looked after directly after the trauma. I wouldn’t say, ok we have to process all this now, I wouldn’t expect her not to have some maladaptive habits like overeating (in my case, anorexia), I would tell her the processing and healing will take time but we will also be carrying on with normal life with as much flexibility as possible i.e. sleeping instead of staying up all night every night to talk, continuing going to school, etc. but I will be there for the healing as much as I can be. This is compassionate (when I manage to do this), and I think that’s what matters more than anything. I wish you lots of luck. Are you considering going back into therapy to process this, or do you think you will do this ‘on your own’ albeit with lots of support from friends and others?
Love this response Michael. Yes, grieving is lonely- all of this can be overwhelmingly lonely. I look forward to reading here- fresh new posts and comments from real live people that can relate to some extent.
Faith,
You ARE doing incredibly awesome! Your progress is amazing when you realize what you are doing now to cope vs the default patterns of the past. Yay YOU!
A side note on binging… You likely already know this, but I realized not too long ago that despite the other reasons for binging, eating is a way to ground excess energy brought on by being triggered among other things. It’s the reason that pagans and natives have cakes or some kind of food after ceremony. I am a lone pagan, I don’t practice with anyone… actually, I’m more of a nature worshiper than anything, leaning toward native beliefs about how to be in the world and honor the elements, energies, creatures and directions that make up our world and larger universe, In any event eating is a form of grounding energy which is instinctive and ancient and not ALL bad, so keep that part in mind. As to over doing it, I have come up with a method for myself that works more times than not.
I will take a bite of food and just hold it in my mouth for a few seconds (or as long as I can) and take a deep breath, savoring the feeling and taste of it. Then I chew as slowly as possible. It doesn’t always work, but it’s funny, most times by the 3rd bite or so, I check in with myself and I’m not really hungry anymore! I feel satisfied. I think it’s interrupting the auto-pilot, relaxing and conscious enjoyment of the process that slows it down and helps me to not scarf as much. I still do occasionally, and I let myself occasionally, but… it doesn’t happen as nearly as often as it used to and I am finding that I naturally seek other ways to ground myself. Just thought I’d share that.
I’m sorry that you’re in the trigger place, but happy for you that it is going as well as it can be. I imagine it must be really hard to keep yourself focused on your inner work while managing you son’s challenges also. You rock Faith!
Peace and speedy healing to you Faith,
mia
Thanks Mia,
I instinctively take a Hersey chocolate bar and melt one rectangle in my mouth after some work of therapy. I always felt kinda dumb. I can do in more now with purpose. Have to watch making it more complicated than it needs to me. I am capable of doing that..
It is funny it would not work if I had the bars in my house. I must go get them as part of the process.
Michael and Faith,
True true true. Michael,
It is helpful to me to hear that the recurrence is just as it was when it happened. I frustrate my own self when i think it has been decades since the actual events took place, but still feels like Now when the memories fill in or resurface. Thank you for that.
Faith, i think being in a both/and place is very very challenging. The fact that you can recognize positive changes is amazing. I see that clearly for you, but am amazed that you can see from the forest. You are strong, so strong.
Sorry posted in the wrong place above! Also, I wanted to add: “I need to let myself feel the pain. I need to sit with the pain, bawl my eyes out, throw things, and release all of these pent up emotions.” As you know you need to do this, I am sure you will. When I recently recovered the absolutely agonizing (body and emotion) memory of my lost baby, after a few days of ‘coping’, ‘managing’, not self-harming, I found time to have a whole day crying and shouting. It was absolutely exhausting but the most healing work I have done, afterwards I lay on a beach in utter tiredness and called a crisis line just to chat to somebody. Alot of the anger and grief came out of me, I sort of continue to celebrate that day, especially when I have any doubts of that recovered memory because I was utterly honouring myself. I skipped therapy to do that healing actually, think work of such intensity for me personally can only be done alone.
@ Faith- Good to hear about your progress. That is encouraging. My heart goes out to you. Praying for you too….
faith, I can really relate to what you write about feeling… and food.
what you describe here is what I struggle with every day – being completely out of touch with your body, your feelings, your needs etc. only I have not found a way of let myself feel the pain. I want to! but I just don’t know how to. so I’m completely frustrated or turn to food and throwing up which releases all the tension and makes me feel numb in a more tolerable way.
I cannot even imagine what it must be like recovering memories such as yours. It’s great to read you know what to do and how to handle it… I hope you’ll cope.
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