This week, I have been dealing with a pretty heavy-duty memory that I wrote about here and here. In part because this is the last week of school, and in part because I am slammed with playing “catch up” on my obligations after a month of working 30+ hour weeks at my new part-time job, I haven’t really had the opportunity to grieve this heinous memory.
A part of myself feels frustrated because I can feel the terror as a ball of ice in my stomach. I am having trouble staying in my body because I am so triggered, which makes it hard to stay connected with what my body is feeling. This is an issue even with basic things like whether or not my body is hungry. I find myself eating more than my body needs, in part because the taste of food is a distraction from the ball of ice, and in part because I am so out of touch with what my body needs and does not need.
I was also hit with some day-to-day bad news involving my kid’s medication. We had similar news back in November, and I reacted full force by finding another part-time job with unbelievable intensity. This time, I had a similar reaction in looking for a full-time job, but I was able to pull out from this after 24 hours versus the two months of intensity I went through last time. I feel like I am able to be more rational and logical about solutions this time than I was last time, so that is making progress.
Even with the eating thing, I am not having huge binges like I used to. I am not remotely tempted to bang my head. I know in the moment that this awful feeling won’t last. In fact, I even know what I need to do – I need to let myself feel the pain. I need to sit with the pain, bawl my eyes out, throw things, and release all of these pent up emotions. However, I don’t want to (and am limited on free time this week), so I am staying in this place of uncomfortable limbo in large part due to my own choices.
I am trying to be compassionate toward myself. This was a huge memory to recover. It was an incredibly traumatizing and confusing event.
One other difference I am noticing is that, for the first time in years, I am not triggered by the end of school. I typically go into a funk of feeling “abandoned,” fearing that all of my friends will “go away” over the summer and that I will be alone. There is not one ounce of me that is feeling that way this year, which is a huge leap forward.
So, even though I am not doing so great, I am able to see, even from this painful place, all of the progress that I have made. I also know exactly what I need to do – I just can’t seem to make myself do it yet. That will come.
Photo credit: Hekatekris