As I shared yesterday, this has been a rough week for me emotionally. I knew I needed to talk about the memory, but I had one reason after another not to. I also had a tough time finding the time and freedom to talk it throughout the week with my husband or child at home.
Yesterday evening, my son kept triggering me. He has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), so he can come up with some random and weird behaviors. Yesterday, it seemed like everything he was doing was triggering a ritual abuse memory.
The final straw was when my son threw “slime” into my hair. It was old slime, so it didn’t come out. I had this foreign substance stuck in my hair and dripping off into the carpet, which triggered memories of my sister’s “blood.” I was extremely triggered and turned to wine to calm me down.
After dinner and having some time alone upstairs, I realized that I absolutely **had** to talk about the memory. Yes, I had blogged about it, but there is something empowering about physically using your voice to talk about the memory and in being physically “heard” by someone in your day-to-day life. So, I called one of my best friends and bawled my eyes out as I told her.
That’s really all I needed. I didn’t need her to do anything other than listen. She said a few encouraging things, which was sweet, but I didn’t need them. I just needed her to listen, which she did.
I actually slept last night without needing to take a Xanax or a sleeping pill. Even though I am not back to 100%, I can tell that I am healing. It made such a huge difference to **talk** about what happened, to be believed, and to be supported.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Keep talking and never stop. Talking and releasing will set you free 🙂
Great Faith. You are so getting used to how to work your unique process of “processing” memories and moving through the trigger time. You amaze me and I am more than happy for you! I hope that the rest of your day and weekend are smooth and calm and you get just what you need to keep moving forward in a good direction.
Peace and congratulations,
mia
That is good! Thank the LORD!
Well done and so relieved you found your positive way through this trauma. Totally relate to being triggered by child too, my little one often flicks me or touches me on the face when I am lying down, just to get my attention as he’s very small, and it triggers the worst feelings and memories in me.
It really does make a difference to not only write, but to also physically speak out those memories. I’m glad that you had a safe place to do that and were able to release some of that pain. That is awesome.
So happy for you, Faith =)
A question Faith: how did you get to a place where you knew your friend could listen to such horrendous things? How do you feel okay about your friend being okay (not being vicariously traumatised)? I ask because I have an offline friend now who says she is willing to listen and really wants to support me, but I feel very unsure about telling her actual details. I think it would help me to be able to tell someone other my therapist, but I don’t want to hurt her or risk damaging our relationship because it gets too much for her.
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Using my voice out loud to talk about whatever I’m feeling is the most difficult to do. Writing is so much easier, or feeling the emotion but not putting words to it. This is what I struggle with the most. I feel a sensation coming up my throat that says “words” and a tight ball of pain and then I talk and share. It terrifies me but feels so much better afterwards. I have a lot more of that to do. My voice has been squashed and silenced for soo long.
It is so wonderful that you recognized that you needed to verbally share too, Faith, and reached out to someone who could just listen.