This blog entry is completely based on the point of view of my wounded (devastated) inner child, Annie. I cannot stop crying and haven’t for two days, and it is all because of Annie’s pain. The adult me knows that my actions and reactions are not “appropriate” ones for an adult, but Annie doesn’t give a shit. This blog entry is for her. I am posting it now, even though I have already posted today, hoping that somebody can get through to Annie because I cannot. All I can do is give her a voice. ~ Faith
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Everyone lied to me. They said it was all my fault, and I believed them. They said that they would be there for me when I needed them, but they aren’t mind readers – I have to tell them that I need them. So, I did. I told them that this period between the full moon and the summer solstice would be hard. I told them that I wasn’t sleeping and that, when I did, it was all nightmares. I told them that I was triggered by some day-to-day adult stuff that I don’t know how to handle – I am just a little girl who has been betrayed by everyone.
I thought there was someone in my corner, but they lied to me. They said that if I told them that I needed them, they would be there … but they weren’t. They said all I had to do was reach out and they would help me. I did reach out – I reached out to eight different people – but nobody was there. I needed someone to catch my fall but, as always, there was no one to catch my fall.
I have heard that, when you fall in your dreams, you cannot hit the ground because you will wake up first. That isn’t true. I do fall and hit the ground in my dreams, just like I fall and hit the ground when I am awake. There is no one to catch me. There has never been anyone to catch me.
I hate them for giving me hope. At least before, I knew I was alone. I knew it was up to me and me alone, as a little girl, to figure out how to be OK. They lied to me and said I wasn’t alone anymore, but I still am. All I needed was one person – just one person – to hold my hand, but there wasn’t a hand to hold … and I fell.
I am so tired of falling. I want to die, but Faith won’t let me, and I hate her for it. She won’t stop me from falling, either. Nobody can stop it. Nobody is there. I am tired of being all alone. I would rather die than keep falling, and I don’t want any more lies about not being alone because I am. I believed them, and they weren’t there. I won’t make that mistake again.
Everyone is always sorry after the fact. Sorry you were raped, Annie. Sorry I wasn’t there for you, but I am here now. I don’t need you now. I needed you then, and you weren’t there. Nobody was ever there, and nobody ever will be there. I hate all of you, including Faith. She’s the biggest liar of all because she said I would be OK, and she was wrong. There is only one way to be OK, and she won’t let me die.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Hi Annie… I know how you feel… I too feel your pain of betrayal and just wanting to end it all. You feel so alone, but if you can read my words, you are not alone. You don’t know me, but we share a common bond of grief, pain, hurt, betrayal, shame, and abandonment. Right now, I wish I could sit right by your side, Annie, and offer you some comfort.
People do betray others when they cannot keep their promises. When we were little we could not understand this, but Faith understands this Annie. Not all adults mean to betray us…they are human and have faults. The abuse you suffered in the past is not the same as what you feel when someone is not there for you today. It FEELS the same but it is not. The people you reached out to recently wanted to be there for you, but may not have known what you needed, Annie. It sucks that we have to literally tell them how to care for us because we think they should know us well enough to just do what we need; without our prompting. But it rarely works this way. And we feel so hurt and let down because we trusted and believed they would be there.
The truth is that they have lives of their own, Annie, and sometimes they are too busy to take time to find out what we need. That is hard for us, because we work so hard to try to meet the needs of everyone around us. It seems inconceivable to not put down everything and come to the aid of someone we care about. But not all people are like us. Perhaps we should not even be this way…it DOES get exhausting to always be looking after others and putting aside our own needs.
So this is what I do. I try to make a list of all the times the person who let me down HAS actually been there for me. This is hard when you are angry. But try to do this. Then make a list of all the times the person has NOT been there for you. You may see the list is equal, or not. If the person has often been there for you, try to see that they are human, and will fail you from time to time. But that they also love and care about you.
I care about you Annie. I care that you are angry and hurting today. Faith cares that you are hurting. You are not alone.
Annie, I don’t know what to say, but I understand. When someone says they will be there for you, and then they let you down, that is not acceptable. It is not alright. I don’t know how to make it alright either. I wonder whether, when all these adult situations (work, marriage, family etc) were being decided upon, no-one asked you, including Faith. I’m not blaming her, because I know she’s trying to look after everyone, but maybe back then she didn’t know to ask you what you wanted, and who you wanted in your life. I was never consulted on anything adult either. Apparently I’m 24, apparently I have a university degree, apparently I have “friends”; these things all happened, and all that time passed, without my say-so. I needed to be asked and I wasn’t and it hurts every day.
Perhaps it doesn’t help, but there are more people a bit like you out there, and we’re listening.
“There is no one to catch me. There has never been anyone to catch me.”
I hear you Annie. There was no one there to catch me either, and there’s no one to catch me now. But I’m still here. And you’re still here. And as long as we keep getting up after that fall as decent human beings who haven’t let ourselves fall into that abyss of violating and degrading another person, even though we may be bent, bruised and broken-boned, there is still hope. For us, for each other. This stuff we go through is h-a-a-a-r-d stuff. One person who saw my file was surprised enough to blurt out: “Do you know what an anomoly you are? You shouldn’t be where you are. You shouldn’t be doing as well as you’re doing. People with your histories, don’t have careers, they don’t own houses, some aren’t even sane, many are dead.” That freaked me out. But it also was one of the only things that validated my experience. It gave me the validation I needed to push back against ALL the ‘there there tut-tutting’ minimization and NOT-BEING-THERENESS that came afterward. And the stuff that you and Faith endured is so much worse than I did.
That you got through it at all (and got Faith to the point where she is now), especially alone, is a real testament to just how strong you are. How deserving you are of something better. It’s hard for me to face up to and admit, but I think the same is true for me, and I suspect for many of Faith’s readers. Not many people are as strong as we are. Not many people have blazed that trail that lies before and behind us, which is why we’re frequently alone on the paths we take through life. Not many people have gone where we’ve been and have been able to withstand and keep going.
Your pain AND your compassion, Annie, is what got Faith to where she is, which is a place of healing for herself and for others. You didn’t let her die, so that she could do that. I suspect she’s returning the favour. I know the pain is horrible. But I know you know the way out of the pain is to go through it. And to try, the best way we can, to be here for each other in whatever way we can. And to be here for ourselves.
So we’re each alone on separate mountain tops – me on my healing journey, you on yours – trying to blaze a trail for those who come after. To express our humanity in a way that gives our pain meaning and helps to make the world a better place – not only for us but for the people who come after us. And, partly, all that pain is what got us here. So I may not be there to hold your hand in person, but I’m shouting across the valley between us, from my mountaintop to yours. Shouting my ‘hugs’ and support across the chasm to you.
When I get to this point, Annie, I try to think of those who survived the Holocaust. They had no one to catch them, either, yet they survived, And many times survival hinged on nothing more than choosing to survive. Choose to live, Annie. If a Holocaust survivor can do it, so can I — and you can, too. Choose life.
Oh Annie, I am so sorry. I felt like this two weeks ago and I wanted to die. Now I don’t, and I’m glad I didn’t die.
This doesn’t make sense to me – both feelings are completely true, and completely opposite.
It was very hard to be stuck in that place. I did want to die, but since I couldn’t, what helped is when I remembered a high school teacher who cared about me when nobody else did. Once I started crying after school and couldn’t stop, and she sat with me and patted my back. When I graduated, she gave me a present.
When I thought of her and the way she cared, I didn’t want to let her down by killing myself. She had seen and loved something about me in a time when nobody else did.
Faith
How did your Annie feel about you posting this? I would imagine her reaction might be anything from feeling relieved to have been given a voice to cross and betrayed that you went so public with her feelings. Only you will know.
It seems you needed to post this anyway and might have decided to post it out of desperation feeling you couldn’t help Annie. I believe you can help her, if she needs to cry then crying is okay even if it’s not an ‘appropriate adult response’. I hope you don’t judge yourselves too harshly. We care about all of you.
As Annie is feeling suicidal, it might be really important to make sure she can’t hurt any of you. Again only you will know. I have found that my suicidal children are also the ones who most want to tell and most want to stop the hurt and so they most need supportive listening and often they bring new and very painful memories, in a way that feels very disruptive to the adult me, yet actually if I am able to take them from the inner children we heal more. Could you write a letter to Annie, even in reply to this blog post? Or do some one thing that gave her a glimmer of hope of survival at any time in her life. For me I have an inner eleven year old who suffered massive trauma and she recently told me she did like French knitting so I have bought a French knitting dolly and because she had no time to play ever and therefore hates me going to work I am going to make time at work for French knitting, with any colour wool she chooses. Sometimes she thinks it is silly I am making this effort for her, but I want to show that appreciating small good things can lead to faith.
My heart goes out to you and Annie, all of you, haven’t known you post from your inners before and just hope it feels ok to you.
Hi Annie,
You’re right, you were alone and horrible things happened to you. Faith can’t change that, but she can love you and tell you that things did work out all right in the end and you are safe now. You are safe now and you can cry as long as you need to and feel as angry as you want. Feeling things is part of letting the pain out, like letting air out of a balloon, and whenever that balloon gets full of uncomfortable feelings, you can feel the feelings and when it runs out, you will feel a lot better.
Faith isn’t going to leave you no matter what. It’s not fair or right that you were hurt and you still have nightmares and that people who love you don’t get it now. I hope Faith can be with you and watch over you while you have your nightmares, so you know you’re not alone now.
I have a little girl inside like you who was hurt too. Sometimes she tells me things she needs to feel better, or I guess. She has a teddy bear that she can hold and pretend that it’s her being held and comforted. She has a big soft blanket she can curl up in when she feels bad. She likes to eat raspberries and listen to music. I wonder if some things like that might help you to feel more calm. I promise you that the nightmares are about things that happened a long time ago, and you are safe now.
I am thinking of you and wishing for you to be safe and to have everything you need today.
SwordDanceWarrior
Annie- Maybe its a bad day for bunches of us. I keep crying too, and am really angry. I know it is OK to have all those feelings. I know it is OK to show some of those feelings even around some people- but they have to be the right people. It has to be the people who understand or just love you no matter what. I bet Faith could be one of those people, even though right now you are really mad at her. I think the things other people are saying to you make sense too. The problem is that with all these strong feelings it is hard to really care about stuff other people say because its like they just want you to act all fakey like your feelings aren’t important. It is actually helping me to talk to you because now I don’t feel so alone either. Nobody should have to be fakey. But I know when I act the way I feel in front of people who don’t understand then more bad things happen. I think maybe Faith worries because she has to live in a grown up world where people don’t understand these things, and she has to be careful that the grown ups around her don’t get confused. That shouldn’t have to be your problem, but when you look the same to other people it gets really complicated. Can Faith give you some time to feel and do all the stuff you can with your feelings in a way that lets you know you are loved and accepted and that your feels are all OK. Do you and Faith ever just plan some special time together- just you and her- maybe just to do quiet stuff around the house, or maybe to even go out and play? It would be good to spend some time together so you know she has time for you and can take care of you.
The other person who said that the kind of betrayal you experience now is different than what happened in the past was very smart. It is different. It just feels the same because all those feelings get mushed together sometimes. It feels good to talk to another kid who understands. Do you always want to die, or do you only want to die right now? Sometimes I want to die a lot, but then later I feel better and am glad I didn’t die. That is what makes the thing about dying so hard, it doesn’t always feel the same later, but it would be too late to change your mind if you died. Do you have other things you can do to help you feel better? Sometimes doing something else for awhile helps things start feeling better. But I think it is probably good that you got really loud with your feelings so that Faith would notice. It is important that she knows how you feel and tries to understand how you feel so she can help you. Can she hold you? Can she look into your eyes with love? Sometimes if someone just acts nice to me, I start to cry because I have forgotten what it is like to just have someone be nice to me. Maybe you can notice ways that people are nice to you. That can make things better too.
Annie,
You are alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone. And you are strong or else Faith wouldn’t be here now letting us hear your voice. Yet you are loved, by all of us, even when you can’t feel it.
I don’t know if it would be better if you were dead or not. I’ve never been dead before. What I do know is that even though I’m a little girl inside of Minna, and I’ve had the feeling of never being cared for and being lied to as well, I won’t tell you I know what you feel. I know what I feel. We may or may not be feeling the same thing.
I know this too, Faith wouldn’t allow you to have a voice if she wasn’t trying to love you and hear you and take some of the pain away. At least that’s what my adult me tells me all the time. Sometimes she’s right. Other times I don’t believe her.
Ask Faith to see if she can find some time alone to let you have a really big hissy fit or a roll on the floor tantrum. That helps me when I’m feeling like I want to be dead because usually I’m just really really angry and no one is listening to me or paying me any attention.
Dear Annie,
I am listening, and will continue to listen as long as you need. Letting your feelings out and being heard is so very important. Talking about our feelings can be so hard. You should be proud of yourself for being so brave to tell us all about how you are feeling. That took a lot of courage.
I hate they way you were treated. It was so wrong and cruel. You deserve love and appreciation and respect… and so much more. You have Faith now and I believe she will protect you to the very best of her ability.
I believe Faith is doing all she can to care for you. You may change your mind someday about wanting to die, and you are so young. I can see why Faith does not want to give up just yet. You are stronger than you think.
May peace be with you,
mia
I left a comment earlier, but it disappeared. I’ve been thinking about you all day, Annie.
I felt like this two weeks ago. Everyone was gone, and I wanted to die, but some part of me wouldn’t let me. So then what? How can anybody exist like that? It was awful, and I never want a week like that again.
The one thing that helped a little was when I remembered a high school teacher who cared about me. Once in the 9th grade, it was after school and I started crying and couldn’t stop. I don’t remember why. But she sat next to me and let me cry and patted my back. When I graduated, she gave me a stuffed animal I still have.
She saw something in me that she cared about, and that made me want to protect that part of myself.
I hope you feel better soon, Annie. That feeling of wanting to die and not be allowed to is so awful. 😦
Annie, I heard you and what you said and what you are feeling is very legitimate. Feelings are what they are – feelings. I’m glad you articulated them so well; glad that you acknowledge them. Please, don’t let anyone try to discount or minimize your feelings. Good girl with your sharing.
You said: “There is only one way to be OK, and she won’t let me die.” Well, if you were to die, then you wouldn’t be accomplishing the first part of that sentence, you would not BE any longer and that is not OK. If you need to rest for a bit, you can do that on the inside and let Faith know about it so she isn’t worried when you are quiet – but dying isn’t a solution.
I am so very sorry people let you down recently again. Shame on them!
I am pleased Faith gave you a voice here. I hope that it helped you to share your hurt and pain.
Gentle thoughts,
wtr
Faith,
I certainly hope that allowing Annie time to speak herself was helpful to you both. It is difficult when you know they (memories) are coming, and you’re trying to balance life and maintain functioning … ooffdah.
Seems that I have a bunch of comments that I could say to you, but when I type them out they feel … they feel like ‘pat’ answers, or as I would tell my T, it feels like cheerleading and I hate it when he cheerleads for me sometimes. I just need to be heard, and that is it!
I hear you, too, Faith. Kind and gentle thoughts to you.
wtr
Thanks, wtr.
It does help. I have a T appt tomorrow. In the meantime, I am doing lots of resting. I can’t seem to handle doing much else.
– Faith
I fall in a state that some might call dreaming. I experience it as the coming back from astral projection. I only use the term as I have no other. In y 20’s I looked at this experience intellectually. I even went to one person and told them the color of a book they had placed in the room where they placed it and that it was open about 1/4 of the way. I could not read it.. I touched the person as we had planned on the arm. She developed a small bruise I ended up going some where that I was not supposed to be and never did it again with purpose. I still astral project and start to standing up sometimes.
I tend to be attracted to water and travel along power lines.
Some times I can not get back and I just think of part of my body usually my thumbs and I come back. I have been half in and half out of my body and sometimes I am a little bit outside of my body in therapy. Some times I am outside of the room, Way way way not dissociation.,
I have had hitchhikers when I come back. Spirits/beings that do not belong around me. They are not a danger they are a nuisance. I just get up and stamp my foot while turning in a circle with my arms crossed and the skedaddle.
Once I was a tad in front of me and could hear myself breathing. That was scarey until I figured it out.
Some times I come back with a thud. I don’t like that and it has not happened in years.
Pretty much as long as I do not think about it or listen to what other people think is happening or not happening I am fine, It really was only a problem when I “investigated” it intellectually.
There are lots of possibilities. One could be that I am not actually leaving my body rather I am aware of part of me that is not with the body. You could call it my soul I spose.
Anyway I just wanted to recount to you what I experience.