I have more ritual abuse memories coming, and I am not looking forward to them. However, I know that they are a necessary part of my healing, so I will deal with them as they surface.
One might be the memory that explains my obsession with my teeth. Both my sister and I have this obsession. I have always loved going to the dentist. I own my own dental tools for scraping away tartar between visits to the dentist. I brush my teeth a minimum of five times day – so much so that I have caused myself gum damage.
I have been experiencing body memories for a few days now regarding my teeth. It feels like my teeth are being sunk into something that is softer than flesh but much more solid than a liquid. The closest I can describe is the fluoride treatments that were used back in the 1980’s and early 1990’s – that gooey plaster-feeling substance. I can feel that on my teeth – both the top and bottom teeth. That memory will probably explain why I found fluoride treatments to be so triggering when I was in high school and college, although back then I didn’t know what “triggering” was.
I also suspect that I will be recovering the memory that explains why splinters are so triggering to me. Splinters have always been triggering to me. As a young child, my son knew that mommy cannot remove a splinter. The family rule has always been that, if it isn’t bother you too badly, wait until Dad gets home to remove the splinter. If it is really bothering you, I will take you to the doctor now. So, I would meet my kid’s needs, but I absolutely, positively could not do it myself. I know this is not “normal.”
My kid had a friend spend the night last weekend who got a splinter in my watch. My husband was out watching a ballgame with his father, so he wasn’t around to help. My kid actually helped his friend get the splinter out. They would describe what the splinter looked like, and I got very triggered – very dizzy like I was going to pass out – and I could feel sheer terror in my thighs. (My yoga instructor says that we hold our fear in our thighs.) I am sure that memory is going to be a doozy.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
faith. i dont want u to have a flashback. but i would like it if it explains my irrational over the top fear of splinters and having my nails trimmed as a kid. still hate it. \and i have ground my teeth down alot from clenching my teeth. odd. be safe…..
regarding the thigh comment & stress. i hv noticed that i am now getting a dizzy room spinning sensation alot before i sleep once i lay down. and my legs thighs hurt.i hv connectd ths 2 usually i dream following this ..a flashback or memory.anyone else??
Sorry you had experiences that make this work necessary to heal.
I do not get overly specific with what is stored in what part of the body that is known. What if there is something missed that is not known? I do notice certain things. When I process memories parts of my body will be sore just like I over exercised them. I will get cramps.
I have driven pencils into my thighs and have made diagonal cuts when not in therapy. In therapy I have pounded my right thigh. There is lots that goes on with my pinkies. When I am holding back on processing a memory that is ready to process my jaw will get tight. If I can or do not process the memories I end up with TMJ, CFS, Fibro and eventually CFS. I do not blame myself for this. It is hard to set it all up to do memory work and doing it hurts, is disruptive and all sorts of things my reptilian brains tells me to avoid. Over time my reptilians brains have come to experience relief. The world does not help a lot with be preparing to do memory work, doing the work or dealing with the after effects/
On slivers; I take tape and place it over the splinter and overnight the splinter comes out on the tape.
I work a lot with what I call “Paralysis by Analysis” This is a term I got from golf. It means that you can get to the point where you are thinking of the golf shot and forget how to make it. In putting it is called the yips. A person actually can not lift the putter of the green to take the putt. Many golfers including pros give up the gave due to the yips.
Phil Michelson caddy has a routine. He stands in front of Michelson until the caddy feels he is ready to take the shot. He says. “Put a good swing on it.” He then snaps the bag away indicating that Michelson is now on his own. If Michelson does not feel or see the shot than he and his caddy start the routine over again. The club actually goes back in the bag and they start over. A redo.
Many of us have a routine with our therapist. We do not worry about if our therapist knows the routine. She kinda senses it. There are lots of them. Charlotte will twirl her hair. Some do the the talking Rubik cube which is when we say out loud what colors go where. One will make a motion that they want to draw. Some point to what they want. Might be the blocks or the puppets. Some cross their arms and stick out jaw out. Some speak only moving there left hand. Some sit on the right side of the couch some the left and some on the floor. The other day one sat cross legged. (Note: I did not know all this till just now. Some of us spontaneously type..)
As a multiple I stay away from the answer and go with A answer or one more piece of the puzzle. Using Faith as an example some of us might hate getting our fingernails cut and or splinters due to totally different experiences.
Although it is very helpful when I find someone with a similar experience I stay away from getting understanding from another persons experience other than in a very general way. Just as different ones of us have different experiences with splinters and fingernails Faith’s experience may be different than ours.
I do not experience that one of us holds the memory. It seemed like that was what was happening. What it is for us is that there are many of us that have the capacity to bring a memory into consciousness. When a memory come into consciousness it was perceived by others of us that some of us held this memory that was not the case. It was not yet a memory. You can not forget what you do not remember.
Faith and I share what might be called a “Casting Out” ceremony experience. Other than they exist it is really not important and can lead to confusion. The casting out ceremony that I experienced at age 3 1/2 is different than Faith’s and different than other ones I experienced.
I had to deal with many cults so I know how different they are. Even with cults that were aware of each other they were different. It was important for me to know that one of the reasons that I had to deal with so many cults is that the cults were to be the ones that kept track of children of MKULTRA and to do the trauma in some cases. I keep it as general as possilbe. It is kinda like Faith and I share a college experience yet it is only shared in a general way. (I even met one person who when to college and their college knew how to deal with parking. Amazing!)
So I stay away from anything that indicates this is the way it is for you as this is the way it is for me. Pretty much tell me about you and I really do not care what someone else told you about you. It is to limiting.
‘Casting out ceremony’ – maybe this might explain my horror of being ‘outside circles’. I would either have been about 3 or about 12, my memories of those two periods get muddled as they repeated the rituals once at around age 3 and again around age 12, at age 12 I largely dissociated to my 3 year old self during the trauma and so it’s hard to tell the two periods apart, not that I particularly need to do so anyway in order to heal. I have a phobia of being outside a circle of people, clearly i didn’t want to be in the abuse circle but being made to go outside of it and blamed for everything within it was worse, felt worse.
Deep breaths. Brace yourself. We will be here.
Peace,
mia
Faith, it is only because of your blog that I know I am not alone. Because of you I am learning how to see the signs that a memory is trying to surface. It is so difficult and scary. But I want to thank you for sharing all that you do with us and giving me and others a place to feel “normal” when so often we feel “crazy”.
Thanks, June.
I am feeling pretty “crazy” myself right now.
– Faith/Annie’s (Faith’s wounded and angry inner child)
You’re doing really well, Faith and alters, though it may not feel like it. Let it out, let it all out. Bring it into the light to be withered and blown away.
Thanks, Jan.
I (Annie) cried and cried and cried until I was all spent. I (Faith) was able to focus on paying bills for a while, but now I (all of me) is just too overwhelmed to do anything else. Might just take a nap.
– Faith
I’m also triggered by teeth procedures and believe my dentist was involved in the RA. He was a close family friend.
I hate going to the dentist. It’s invasive and painful. I was obsessed with my teeth at some point- would brush very hard and long and as a result have worn-off enamel all over the place, which makes the dentist even more un-fun. I can go to the dentist now without a full-blown panic attack, but always feel anxiety.
Hang in, Faith. The feeling of a memory sneaking up on me followed by body terror is something I generally try to stave off. I resist and repress it. I hate it, like going to the dentist. Most people do what they can to avoid pain. It is natural to try to avoid pain. I realized recently that therapy is an act of walking towards or into pain, in order to heal. In that sense, it is a true act of bravery. I could probably stuff my pain and continue to parade around as a falsely happy, highly-functioning person with repressed trauma. I’ve worn this mask of “perfection” and capability for so long. But I choose to face it. I wonder what it would feel like to allow memories to come and not brace so hard, freeze, shut-down, etc. Is it possible to relax into a flashback? I find it so hard to “allow.” Want to control it so badly. Plus it is hard to relax when you feel pain or extreme unpleasantness coming on.