I am writing this blog entry on the day before the summer solstice. I have not been this triggered in a really long time. I have been struggling for a week – pretty much since the full moon last week – and it feels like there will never be an end to this. I hope that by the time anyone reads this, I’ll be able to say that I have pulled out of this and am doing OK. Right now, I feel anything but OK.
I took the title of this blog entry from something a friend, who is a child abuse survivor, hears from her mother a lot. Her mother says she only has so much nurturing to go around. So, if she is already putting energy into someone else, she will tell her daughter, “It’s not your turn.” Even if my friend is in serious crisis, if it’s “not her turn,” then her mother will not help her – period. I feel like it is never “my turn” in any relationship in my life.
I have been struggling a lot over the past week in particular – insomnia, severe headaches, etc. I feel more memories coming but simply cannot handle them right now. In the midst of this, as I shared on Monday, I am feeling sucked dry by too many relationships in my life. It’s always everyone else’s turn, never mine.
This thing is, I really don’t ask or expect much from anyone else. I was taught at a very young age that my needs don’t matter. In fact, I was taught that I don’t even get to have needs. So, for the most part, I muddle along through my life, trying to help others while pretty much blowing off anything resembling needs of my own. However, when I go through periods of deep triggering as I have recently, I simply have nothing left to give. I am not even asking for anyone to **do** anything for me – I just need them to stop sucking my energy for a day or two.
Back to Monday … I actually got a good night’s sleep courtesy of taking a larger dose of Xanax than normal. I was hopeful it would be a better day. Then, an additional trigger happened, and I came completely unglued. The one trigger wouldn’t have been a big deal if I hadn’t been trying to juggle 50 other triggers as well as the negative energy of several other people in my offline life. That was the last straw. I simply lost it.
I tried to call one friend … and then another … and then another … and then another. I could not find one person to answer the damn phone. I tried seven … yes, seven … friends, and could not reach one of them. I even tried calling my therapist – something I have not done in a couple of years – and couldn’t even reach him.
That’s when I gave up. All I needed was one person to ground me … one person to tell me that I would be okay … one person to tell me that I matter … one person to let it be “my turn” for five minutes. Truly, that’s all I needed.
So, I resisted the deep urge to drive my car into a pole. I also fought the deep urge to take a steak knife to my arm, although that one was harder to fight off. I finally settled on binge eating and Xanax. I turned off the cell phone and house phone. I closed out my inbox. I didn’t matter – nobody called, anyhow. I guess nobody needed anything.
I lay in my bed all day and watched a marathon of a TV show. I slept for a couple of hours. I got up and binged again and watched more TV. I pulled myself together long enough to meet the minimum requirements for my job (all done online) and then went back to doing nothing but watching TV.
I feel so disconnected from my body. I picked up my son from camp and took him to basketball practice. I worked out on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes, but it didn’t feel like my body. I ate dinner, but it didn’t feel like my stomach. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. I hope this passes because I cannot live like this.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Faith
I’ve been where you are now more times than I care to remember and it is very hard. I hope that my response is protecting and nurturing.
First of all I am very worried about your urges to self-harm and feeling so burned out whilst you are taking care of yourself and also your own child. Although you have fought off those urges they feel very real, and you deserve to have extra support at this time so you don’t feel so bad and so the relationship with your own child does not suffer. Can you get extra help?
Secondly I know what it’s like not to have anyone out there listening. For me this is sometimes half the reality and half the failure to listen to parts of myself who feel unheard and create this feeling of desperation. It often comes up intensely around flashbacks and recovering memories. Can you truly reassure yourself that you deserve to be heard, given time, and safely. I wouldn’t imagine this blog is the safest place to go public with first memories as they emerge, though of course you will know how safe it feels. You deserve an instant, face-to-face reaction. Are there any listening crisis lines you can call?
Lastly an affirmation that helps me is ‘I know what my needs are and will get them met but there is no hurry’. We have so many unique and individual needs I won’t presume what yours are, but from the above it seems, more time for you, more care of your needs from others, less demands from others, more sleep possibly, less binging maybe. Over time you will be able to meet those needs because you are a strong person.
Good luck Faith, we’ll understand if you don’t blog for a while too, but if it helps you, hope to hear from you soon.
Hi, A x.
I have been through an extraordinary level of healing this week, which will publish on Friday. I am going to try to see my T. Don’t worry — I’m not in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. I am disoriented, though — in a good way if that is possible.
Sharing what I am experiencing online has always been a first step for me. I used to do it at Isurvive.org but now do it here. It helps to be supported by people who “get it” since most people in my day-to-day life don’t, even though many really do want to understand. When I am going through an intense phase of healing like this, I can’t put my energy into educating others and telling them what I need. However, all of you “get it” and know what to say because you have been there.
– Faith
Also – sorry – just wanted to add maybe all of this struggle is related to the horrific memory about seeing your sister apparently killed that you recently talked of? You are maybe processing that?
Hi, A x.
This has actually all been part of the process of integrating my original child. It’s been intense, and I am not quite sure how to proceed yet. Planning on calling my T in a few hours.
– Faith
Hey Faith,
It’s a tough time for a lot of us, around now. But that’s not what you need to hear, is it? It’s not what I wan to say to you, either.
I’m sorry that you feel so disconnected. I’m afraid that there’s nothing I can do for you there, though. It’s up to you, I think, to plow through this…
And you should know, that you CAN get through this. You’re triggered right now, so triggered, and it seems like everything is hopeless and you’ll never be okay.
But you will be okay. You survived all those terrible things that happened to you. You already lived through every memory you’re recovering.
But you’re triggered and you can’t think straight, and you believe that it would be better if it all just ended.
But then, what was all that effort for? All that surviving? Why did you even try, if you were going to give up?
Giving up was not a part of the plan; it never is, in so far as surviving goes.
But you’re not just surviving, Faith, you’re not just alive; you are LIVING. That’s you’re reward for not giving up, and you can throw that in the face of all the people who tried to hurt you. They failed, and you are still here now. They have no power over you now.
I know you’ll get through this, Faith. It may take you days, weeks, months, maybe even longer, but I know you will do it. I believe in you, and I’ll be praying for you. Even though you have it in you to get better, a little help never hurts, right?
I’m sure that in retrospect, once you get grounded and are able to power through the triggers, you’ll see that it’s not all as bad as it seems to be now.
Please, stay safe,
Janet
t is yr turn now big faith xxx
I don’t want to detract from the already lovely responses already left.
I just want to say I am here for you (on Twitter) and I hear you. It’s not much I know, but it is so good to realise we all have a voice together.
Wait, it will pass, and you will be stronger.
@sheepfoldcarer
Faith,
Have been reading and caring for you this week. . Just sending support to you. It is your turn. You are very important, worth everything, worth stopping the world to listen to you.
In a comment on a comment, you mentioned this is part of integrating your original child. I am in that place (at least we’re pretty sure she’s the original) and it’s so very intense and heavy, but almost a relief because she’s been waiting so long, very difficult to explain to anyone. Anyway, just wanted to stand with you in this time of dealing with original stuff. I am told it’s the most painful. Am sending comort and care.
Ruby
Thanks, Ruby.
Reading your comment made me cry (in a good way) because someone understands. This is so hard and overwhelming and scary and isolating and exciting and empowering, all at the same time. I need someone to “get it” and hold my hand through this, but I am not in a place to educate anyone on what I need — I am not exactly sure what I need myself. I guess I need to know that I am going to be OK, but that opinion will only be meaningful coming from someone who knows what he or she is talking about.
I left a message with my T for a session … the sooner, the better. I haven’t had a session in years, so that tells you how disoriented I am feeling. I feel like an angry, needy eight-year-old child has taken over my body, and I am constantly resisting the urge to have a complete temper tantrum. I am also feeling overwhelmed by adult responsibilities. :0(
– Faith
The piling up of triggers and having no one there sounds very familiar. Problem for me is that I don’t have anyone on the outside who gets it so if I try to share I get criticized and am always told I must be doing something wrong to be feeling like this. So that makes it much worse. I’m glad you do have people. It is just horrible when you can’t find any of them when you need them. You will get through this, but it is hell trying to wait out the process. I know a way that helps other parts start setting down, then makes it easier to integrate them- at least it works for me. Go to that part while all those feelings are overwhelming you, and ask her if she is willing to let go of the pain, fear, etc. If she is, help her create scene inside where she is lets some “force of nature” take the feelings away. Sometimes the scene might be a high wind which not only blows around her, but blows through her to rid her of all that gunk. Sometimes the scene might be with water- perhaps a water fall flowing over and through her, or a rapid flowing river going through her that washes is all away. Some people use fire. They can see themselves taking all of that intensity and pain of the triggering and throwing it into the fire. The possible images are endless. It needs to be an image that is relevant to you and the part of you holding those feelings. If your original child is not willing to do this, or seems unable to, it is usually because there is another need that needs to be met before that part is ready, or perhaps even another part that is in the way of getting it done. I know this all sounds weird, but once you get into the internal imagery and let it all unfold naturally it makes sense. Sometimes the feelings are so strong that it is hard to want to do any process because you just want to reek havoc rather than be productive. In those cases you can ask the feelings to step back and step or two so you are not overwhelmed by them, then you can proceed. It is just a suggestion. Those are ways I have been working on myself.
integrating your original child intrigues me. As I’ve been connecting feelings to events, i am noticing that my 9 year old who guards over the 4-7 year old is now in touch with what they were feeling too. The flashbacks come in just as I’m pulling words out to describe what I couldn’t before and i lose control. It takes days of fighting and following through with cutting and the more that is revealed, the more i have thoughts of just checking out. My therapist is very intuitive and supportive and he believes this will pass. I struggle with those damn night terrors again but am also feeling more coming up and it is directly connected to feeling safe with my therapist. Wish I could talk today before what has bubbled up sinks back down. He believes in me and we work together. I believe in you, Faith, and wouldn’t wish -where you are- on anyone. Thank you for voicing your journey here. It helps so many of us.
I’m here Faith- and praying…
I have nothing to add to what’s been said. Thinking of you, with love.
Faith,
Just a hey. No real words of wisdom. Lonely work this is it not?
An idea when you do get an appointment with your therapist ask within if it would be like to bring some crayons.
“I feel like an angry, needy eight-year-old child has taken over my body, and I am constantly resisting the urge to have a complete temper tantrum”
I have struggled with anger that feels like “kid” anger. It needs to get out but as an adult it feels wrong to let it out. But it needs to strike somewhere, so it tries to turn inward- against myself. As an adult I know this is REALLY not good. I applaud your adult wisdom to binge and watch tv rather than hurt yourself. Not sure about you, but I always feel like I only get temporary satisfaction from these actions- like I’m managing it but not really releasing it. There are a couple of things I have done that have helped me more:
1. Smashed dishes. I did it in a very controlled way. Broke a bowl on my front porch (and swept up right afterward- the adult in action). Two benefits- allowing myself to do something “I’m not allowed to do” helped. Plus there was kind of a physical release with taking the action in an outward direction. Being destructive felt good- even though it was a bowl I didn’t really care about.
2. I was really angry after a session with the first therapist I saw, but felt like I couldn’t direct it at her. It didn’t feel “appropriate”, in part because it was way too big a feeling to be just a reaction to her, but also I just can’t allow myself to rage at someone- because I really don’t think that is useful/effective. The kid inside didn’t agree (she needed to rage and was never allowed to express anger as a kid) so we struggled. On the one hour drive home from my appointment I yelled and screamed at everyone and anyone I could think of ever being mad at. I was on a highway so nobody could hear me. I was literally “spitting mad”. I could NEVER let anyone what witness me in that state. I made sure to keep a level of control and attention that kept me safe on the road, but I said anything I wanted to- no censor. Sometimes I just screamed, growled, high-pitched/low-pitched… whatever came up. I was hoarse by the time I got home and was sick and exhausted the next day. I can’t think of any other way I could have let that out.
Thinking of you Faith…
Faith,
I am so sorry tha tyou are dealing with all these triggers and all these feelings now. But I want you to know you are taking good care of yourself by taking a few lazy days. The binging is not too healthy, but I can understand why you did it (fellow binger here).
You are an inspiration to many of us, and I’m so sorry no-one answered when you were the one in need. It *is* your turn to seek support, and people should be respecting that. I’m here if you ever need support again.
I wish you strength in the healing process and the process of integratingyour original self. Ultimately, though the road is bumpy, it will lead you to a better place.
I’m really sorry that no one is considering your needs. Friendship should be give and take. Thinking of you.
Have you thought about reaching out to your ‘real’ sister? She, more than anyone, knows what you have been through. As far as the binge eating and watching TV all day–I think for now, you do what you have to do to survive, and then after the crisis passes somewhat, you back to doing what you need for yourself.
Hi, no name.
For whatever reason, my sister is not my “go to” person. I did call her and leave her a message that morning. I also called her phone (but got no answer) multiple times after that. She did return the call asking about the hangs ups (I got a voice mail from her). I returned her call (through voice mail so I didn’t have to talk live), explained that I was “losing it,” and she never called me back. In fairness to her, there might have been an issue with the message not getting delivered. Bottom line — that avenue was not there.
I had a long phone chat with one of my close friends who has been very worried about me. That helped. I also have a therapy appt later today. I’ll be OK.
– Faith
Hi Faith,
Despite the fact that you are having a very, very tough time, you did many things that were right. You resisted urges, you reached out for help, you continued to care for your child. You picked the best alternative for you – hey man, ice cream does work in a pinch!
Your name fits you well. You will continue to keep going, because this is who you are and what you do. This crap will pass and you are helping so many others in the process. Having your turn means that they will never beat you.
Keep the Faith.
Blessings,
Bonnie