As I shared yesterday, I am in a difficult place of healing. I am feeling a strong pull to let go of the need to be in control all of the time and to stop making myself feel responsible for everything that goes on around me. For someone whose life has always felt out of control unless I took charge, that’s a very tall order.
I know exactly how and why I grew into a control freak. As a child, I could not trust those who were in charge because they were either abusive or, at best, negligent (such as my father and grandparents, who did not abuse me but also did not stop the abuse). When my father died (during my senior year of high school), having my mother/abuser in charge of my money (college tuition) was pure hell, and I swore to myself that I would never let anyone else control my pocketbook again. So, I completely understand how I got this way and am not beating myself up for the choices that I have made up until this point. However, I do feel the need not to live the rest of my life this way – in reaction to my childhood.
A friend had some interesting advice about letting go of control. I told her that I know what I need to do (let go of being in control) but now how to do it. Her observation was that having to be in control ties into judgment – judging different events as “good” or “bad.” For example, my luggage not arriving at my destination until 10-1/2 hours after I did was simply a fact. I am the one who made the judgment that not having my luggage arrive on my flight with me was a “bad” thing.
However, I don’t have the first clue about how to remove judgment from events that happen around me. Right now, I have no personal income despite the fact that I have two part-time jobs. (Don’t worry – hub provides amply for necessities. This is “my” money to spend however I want without hub getting a say in how I spend it.) Both jobs are adjunct education positions, and neither one has work for me until the end of August. This is simply a fact, but I judge it as “bad” because I want an income and really hate the thought of having none for a month.
My guess is that my friend would say that I could choose to view this hiatus as a “good” thing because it is a reduction in my responsibilities. It p@$$es me off, though, because I did not choose this hiatus – it happened out of my control. That makes it hard for me to view this as a “good” thing.
My understanding is that some faiths (Buddhist, maybe??) recommend removing judgment of anything being “good” or “bad.” By removing the emotional attachment to what happens, you find freedom from what happens. I am not quite sure how to do that, though. Any suggestions?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
My psychologist gave me a few wonderful suggestions. One was to see things as “waves” where emotions might be “full-blown” or “subtle” but not to focus on whether they are “bad” or “good” but to focus on something being “healthy” or “unheathy” such as being too controllng (my case, too ambivalent as a reaction to my abuse).
She is also workiing with me on letting go. I went from one extreme to another b/c I didn’t know an “in-between”. I’m slowly letting out my pain, very slowly, and accepting how extreme and contradictory my childhood was. It was like heaven and hell at the same time, so it’s hard to not feel extremes without thinking the pain won’t ever end to thinking why bother feeling good, it will just end. Ihope this makes sense.
Super Great Topic!!Looks like youre looking for a few paradigm shifts:) there are several strategies out there, I am using one by Nathaniel Branden. Its explained in his books “Honoring the Self” and “six pillars of self-esteem”. Ive also heard about “Your Sacred Self” by Wayne Dyer, though I havent read that myself. Another paradigm-facilitating one is “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm and there are several buddhist ones out there as well. I wish I could recommend some but I just started looking into that myself and only just getting an overview.
oh but a really great book is “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elisabeth Gilbert. Im sure you heard about that one, while its not exactly a how-to-guide, it is truly enlightening(the buddhist way) and also hilarious:) its also about tough control issues and overcoming them. I love that book cos it made me see my own huge control issues(among a ton of other things) in a new light and in a very loving, mirroring way.
Yes, letting go of control. A technique that I pulled from therapy has to do with writing down the facts, without any feelings. So for instance in your missed flight – the facts would go like this
– plane had mechanical issues and delayed the flight
– connecting flight left as scheduled
– my son and I missed the connecting flight
– flights where bags are being checked require arrival 2 hour minimum prior to flight
etc. So although these are all facts, they all have an emotional component to them which is going to be different for different people.
You don’t control the facts. Facts are facts.
In the instances of missing the flight, it really sounds like you trusted someone else instead of trusting your gut instincts and knowledge about when you need to be where you needed to be. We all do that, on occasion.
Yet is that called “control”? To me it’s more self trust. So in the instance where you trusted the attendant, more than you did yourself, it maybe felt as though you let go of control?
At any rate, stating the facts can help you see where your emotions are in relation to each one and then you can access the self-trust you have to deal with those emotions and not really worry about “control”.
That’s my half a cent worth. I am sorry that all these outside things are having such an impact on you while you deal with all your internal things. It’s a really sucky place to be.
Hi, all.
All of these comments are really helpful. Please keep them coming!
Side note — I file a complaint with the airline. They issued $125 vouchers for each of us, which adds up to $625 in airline vouchers! :0)
– Faith
Hey Minna,
so agree with you on the self-trust issues!! I think letting go of control is not about ignoring your instincts or own assessment. In fact if I let go of control, I become more self-reliant on my own feelings. Letting go is not about trusting others more but trusting Grace and yourself more and in seeing the bigger picture. ie if something like delayed planes happens to me, I no longer take it personally(yes you can take it personally “why does it always happen to me?”) Instead Im totally ok with it because I have checked my expections BEFORE I boarded the plane, surrendered my travel incl arriving time to Grace, know that I can handle a change of circumstances and that life always works out the best and now arriving on time incl ALL my luggage is something unexpected;) Control issues have more to do that I identify with outside factors instead of identifying with me.
another thought on disappointment I just came across. I love synchronicity and new perspectives.
The beauty of disappointment is the dis-appointment of the Ego. And with the Ego dis-appointed there is room for Grace-appointed:)
I do a meditation which involves just watching our thoughts come and go without judging them or getting caught up in them. Often find myself judging the thoughts, that’s ok, just notice the judgment and let it go. Also often follow a thought and spend a lot of time getting into it, and one leads to another. That’s ok too, as soon as you notice the thinking, just become aware of it and let it go.
And then I guess it’s just another step down the same road to respond to external events in the same way, just notice them and let them go. It’s ok to judge them, just notice the judgment and let it go too.
Important thing is not to judge yourself for judging, cos that just leads to a vicious circle. Judging is what minds do, it’s what our culture teaches us to do, so it’s not something we’ll ever let go of completely, but by becoming aware of it we can befriend it and make peace with it.
Don’t know if that helps at all or if I’m just rambling incoherently.
Take gentle care,
Bay
I think it takes a lot if practice. Any time something goes wrong, your current pattern is get triggered for not being in control. The first step is to see the pattern – and I think you’ve got that down. For me, the next step is understanding all its intricacies. That takes a lot of kindness and compassion towards myself. I know I’m going to repeat the pattern for a while, so I try to be as aware of what’s really going on as possible. When is the pattern worse, and when does it ease up? What are the micro-stories I tell myself? Can I take a deep breath and try a different solution this time? Did it work or was it too much too soon? And of course, my biggest “failures” are often the best learning experiences. Sometimes there’s nothing like a retrospective aha moment. 🙂
Fwiw, at the bottom of your “control freak” tendencies is the very healthy desire to take care of yourself. I think that’s a pretty good foundation to build on.
It’s good to see you back.
Hey sarah,
“Fwiw, at the bottom of your “control freak” tendencies is the very healthy desire to take care of yourself. I think that’s a pretty good foundation to build on. ”
I hadnt looked at it that way yet but its so true! and so compassionate! I could see that they were there to protect myself but I still needed some “more” reasons. I felt I was missing something…Thank you for sharing that, made me even more grateful for my control issues and feel appreciation for what they really are:not only protection for myself but a hidden desire to take care of myself. yay!!
My favorite Buddhist book is Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart” (I have been reading this a lot recently). She has lots to say about not judging what’s happening.
Thinking about swinging on the pendulum between control freak and totally relinquishing control… Maybe it’s important to distinguish between letting go of control and letting others have control? When I let go of control by letting other people have control I feel… really bad, victimish, like it’s not okay for me to assert my needs. Powerless but angry? It’s one thing to do this with someone who really has my best interest at heart and is trustworthy and capable. But often (especially with strangers- flight staff etc) they are more concerned with their own stuff and don’t really know what’s best for me- or what they are saying goes against my gut instinct.
I seem to be better able to take what happens in stride if I know I have followed my instincts and done what I can to make things work- then I can say I did my best and it’s out of my control (and feel okay with that). Then I don’t have self-blame pop up when I listened to someone else instead of myself.
I really struggle with trusting other people- even when they are “experts”. I second-guess my mechanic all the time, doctors, the guy who is spraying my apartment for bed bugs. But sometimes they are wrong and I am right! But I don’t always assert myself with them. That’s when I feel the worst about things going wrong.
Hmm… not really answering your question, but hope the book suggestion might be helpful 🙂
I want to come back and read all the above posts but right now, I will just say, that what helps me when I feel something is “bad” is not to deny that feeling- it is what it is, but to take time to see all the “good” things. They usually outweigh the bad. It works every time. It is not always easy because my mood will want to prevent it. But as I just do it anyway, my mood shifts.
I start right where I am- I am alive; I have my health; my kids are all with me; the sun is shining; I have enough to eat; I have a vehicle that works; etc…
It helps me be able to “let go” of worrying- remembering that things will work out- this is just another rock in the road of life.
Nice
Faith, you illuminated the perfect example of what I wanted to say. First of all, no one has much control – it is simply an illusion. Trying to control is futile in most cases and makes you anxiety ridden. (These are all my opinions; take with grain of salt.)
So, you “lost” control that you never had over the airline schedule. You made a human judgment to trust an airline employee about the arrival time buffer. At the point in the process where your luggage didn’t arrive and you barely made the flight, you made a judgment that this was a bad experience. This is where you can try to practice seeing the bigger picture. You could just let go of the anxiety -easier said than done, I know – and say to yourself, this is beyond my control, and it is not the end of the process, which goes on forever. Something that I like could come out of this. Then let it go. You do the reasonable thing; you register a complaint with the airline. Then let it go. They give you a voucher that is good for your whole family to take another trip. You look back and think, well, that makes me feel better about the stress I went through. What if you had kept yourself in a calm state during the time of the event? Well, you answer that one. I have my answer. But the story is not over yet. Now you have a free flight. Maybe good, maybe bad…… But control is out of the picture. Enjoy it, what ever happens.
What if you resolved to pick a situation each day to talk yourself down from when you feel that you must control something? Slow down, examine it, see if a) it even IS controllable and b) whether controlling it is a wise thing to do, should you be able to. I can see that this is hard because it is a habit that has to be formed alongside a gulch of old patterns where the behavior freely rolls into. You need a reminder system. I don’t know. Get inventive. Set your cell phone to ring at random times, and ask yourself, am I trying to control something right now and is it wise in my intuitive insight? Or write a note on your hand in pen, and when you see it, think same thing. Or do something else. There must be many many ways to remind yourself.
Hope this helps you, or others.
Faith, this is something I think all survivors can perfectly relate to: we need control. A good friend of mine once pointed something out to me that at once scared the crap out of me *and* freed me. She asked me whether I knew a particular decision had definitely affected the outcome, to which I had to reply that of course there was no way of knowing that because I can’t go back and try anything else. Her point was that, if something might happen anyway, despite my attempt to control it, that means I really have no control over it to begin with. I can tell the ice cream vendor to give me chocolate, but it is his hand that will ultimately make that choice. So I may think I have control over tht situation, when objectively I have none. Does that mean I just tell the vendor to give me whatever he wants to? Of course not. What does it mean? To learn to let go of the emotional need to control his hand; I don’t let go of my need for chocolate, only the attachment to controlling a possible way of getting it.
Let go, and let God? Maybe. I don’t have religious leanings, but I do believe that my place in the universe is infinitely small and relatively powerless. However, I place value on my life. I therefore am responsible for *valuing* the quality of my life, not the minute events of my life. That might be a roundabout way of saying “let go of emotional response to events” but to me it means that I no longer feel responsible for things I cannot control – which leaves me feeling lighter. I don’t have to feel guilty about outcomes which were outside my control, but which nonetheless evoke emotional responses. Emotions are necessary, and healthy, but shame over having them (and why we have them) is not. We were taught to paradoxically control our emotional responses AND the events that produce them in order to not have them. Realizing just how little control we have can paradoxically scare the crap out of us, *and* free us of the guilt.
Hello Faith
Nice to be seeing your posts again.
I have been very much dealing with both control/ judgement issues lately. My abusive father was a controlling man and I became aware that I can be controlling of others too, so I desperately wanted to change it. I think it’s one thing to be in control of your own affairs, which is positive, but another to be controlling of other people, even in subtle ways such as placing your own expectations on them, which is negative.
I agree being controlling is tied to judgement but I’d say the key for me is realizing it’s about judging myself rather than the situation. It is only human and very normal to judge a situation to be ‘bad’ as in frustrating, disappointing, adverse. However the risk for me was always judging myself in the process, which always led to more controlling behaviour because the cost of losing your self-esteem is so high. If I was without a job (to use your example), I wouldn’t just accept ‘this is a bad situation but I deserve the same level of compassion as when I was in work’, I’d think ‘What have I done to deserve this misfortune? I must be stupid/ always unlucky’ etc etc and then I’d seek to control the situation rather than having an attitude of knowing it was outside my control but I COULD control how I felt about myself.
Don’t know if that helps but I too find wisdom in Buddhist practice which doesn’t expect you to see everything as good but just to observe your reactions to events with some calm rather than them taking over your whole self-identity.
I’m going to answer this in a way that may tick off some people, so I apologize in advance if my answer offends any sensibilities. I’ve been struggling with versions of this issue, and finally came to some conclusions that are miles apart from my original perspective, and from most answers here. I haven’t thought this all the way through yet either, so I’ll probably ramble a bit, and I apologize for that too.
First point (Judging is a good thing): I attended a mindfulness course, and was quite shocked at what I observed. Trauma and abuse and malevolence were never mentioned – only ‘anxiety’ and ‘stress’ were talked about, and then only as something negative in *us* we should control. I started to have all kinds of trigger reactions (as did quite a few others!) until my husband did a little brainstorming with me and helped me to make sense of things.
I think if the mindfullness mantra (in its current popular versions e.g. JKZ) was “don’t be prematurely judgemental” I’d be fine with that. But it’s not. Sounds very much like the ‘forgiveness’ debate to me. So taken to its logical conclusion, where does that end? Taking a page from Kathy Krajco here, if someone is planning on kidnapping, torturing and murdering my child, are people still going to admonish me to ‘not judge’? If the answer is no, where exactly is the dividing line where it starts to be OK?
If I step back and allow myself to think about the admonition “don’t judge” with an outside-the-box perspective, what jumps to mind is a question. Q: Of anyone you know, who would be most likely to ask someone to ‘not judge’ a negative interpersonal interaction? A: The offender (and their minions) of course. Isn’t child abuse, at heart, all about brainwashing us to “not judge”? To not see what we see? Casey Anthony and Jose Baez are repeating ad nauseum “don’t judge Casey”. But logic (unless we pollute it with twists and turns that get us confused) tells us something entirely different: ‘judging’ is what the justice system is there to do, and *we* are the justice system (at least in a jury trial). And it’s not just our right, but our responsibility as citizens, to continually evaluate (judge) that justice system to make sure it’s working as it should. I’m thinking that justice would have been better served if that jury were a little more skilled in HOW to judge. And also, in how to look *directly* at difficult truths and not psychologically disassemble. “Don’t act prematurely and go off half-cocked until you have the complete picture” is not the same thing as “don’t judge”. “Don’t be a lynch mob”? I’m OK with that statement. “Don’t judge”? Not so much.
Second point (Not all Buddhism is the same): a relative of mine was a scholar of Oriental antiquities, and always points out that it’s a serious error to look at Chinese/Oriental culture from a simplistic perspective. He was very concerned when he found out I was taking the mindfulness course. I got a bit of a lecture on what to watch out for, re: how Chinese Buddhism is different than Tibetan Buddhism, is different from Indian Buddhism, etc… According to him (more or less) Tibetan Buddhism is more about personal resistance and strength, whereas Chinese Buddhism is more about blind conformity and compliance with authority (which he sees as a bad thing). Likewise, as he points out, Confucious made rules for living harmoniously in Chinese society. But not for everyone equally in Chinese society. The rules for the ruling elite were faaaar different than the rules for everyone else. When it comes to considerations of justice and fairness, as a former member of that ruling elite he much prefers Christianity’s approach. Our brain’s purpose is to evaluate our situation (judge) and respond/initiate action accordingly. As he told me, when you’re looking at new things don’t leave your brain at home.
Third point (Control): as an early abuse survivor I learn so much from watching “The Dog Whisperer”. I’ve lately come to realize that this is because so much of out trauma ‘stuff’ is physical: i.e. body knowledge/awareness/reactions. And Cesar’s interaction is all about the physical ‘language’. I think the way I used to view ‘control’ was a false dichotomy. I’m now starting to see ‘control’ as similar to how Cesar talks about using the leash. If you use the leash too tightly and keep a chokehold on the dog (too much control) that’s unsustainable, not fair to the dog, and just asking for trouble. If you just let the leash go completely (let go of control) that too is unsustainable and not fair to the dog (unless you want it to revert to its most primitive state). I’m learning how to have much looser control on my life, but to pay closer attention to important details. That way I have a better idea *when* it’s appropriate or necessary to shorten the leash (and just as importantly ‘how’), and when it’s OK to let the leash out and the dogs run.
Re: approachs to mindfulness written specifically for trauma survivors, I found the following articles really insightful – particularly the article “Caution: Mindfulness includes pain and requires readiness”
http://www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/
Sorry for the long ramble, and I hope I didn’t offend anyone.
I think you make some great points. What you say about control could be really helpful for me; I haven’t offered any ideas because I have no idea how to deal with this issue at all. The concept of a sort of gentle monitoring of the situation appeals to me, probably because I feel that a lot of the problem is that I don’t know how non-abused people deal with this stuff, so it’s a learning process as much as anything else.
Thanks for writing about the judging issue, too; that reflects my feelings perfectly. If it works in that form for some people I’m glad, but it’s not right for me, and I think it’s a reminder of how important it is to be careful and keep asking yourself “is this approach working for me or is it making me worse” and trust your instincts.
Hi, Birdfeeder.
My friend and I had a similar conversation about your first point. She asked whether I would still label things as “good” or “bad” if I had never been taught that they were “good” or “bad.” I said yes and used the example of child abuse. At age 3, no adult had told me that what my mother was doing to me was “bad.” Nevertheless, when my mother first did the same thing to my baby sister, I completely came unglued and sensed the deep level of trauma being inflicted upon my sister. I viewed that moment as the “death” of who my sister had been.
I really like the comment about rephrasing “not judging” as “compassionate acceptance.” I cannot ever see myself compassionately accepting child abuse (nor do I believe that anyone should), but I think it is a wonderful mindset toward most things that happen in life, such as a delayed flight.
– Faith
No offense taken. I have a daily meditation practice and am involved with an Insight (Theravada) Buddhist community – and I shopped around through Tibetan Buddhism and Zen Buddhism to get there. I am the first to agree that there is not a monolithic Buddhist culture, and there’s not even a monolithic “mindfulness” culture.
Even within the tradition I practice in, there is a wide range of teaching and personality styles among the teachers. Some I find helpful, some not, and others I find triggering. For example, I do not go to the group that chants passages about honoring your mother and father. The one time I did go to this group, I said nothing rather than speak that passage aloud.
On the other hand, a teacher I really like warned us that the guided meditation he planned to do could be triggering to people with a history of trauma, and encouraged people to ignore him and do their own thing if they needed to. With that warning, I decided to roll with it and stop if it got too overwhelming. I tapped into a lot of body memories but made it through the session intact. It’s not a meditation I have done again, but now I know it if I ever want to revisit it.
I think certain teachings can be extremely triggering, *especially* if they are not taught or explained by somebody with an understanding of childhood trauma. One of the big aha moments for me is that you can’t practice compassion if you don’t also practice it for yourself. There are many other concepts that can get really twisted around and become toxic instead of healing – you covered what can go wrong with the judging teachings, for instance – so I think this is a really good conversation to have.
Faith, I’m so glad I found your post. I have been writing and speaking extensively about the importance of letting go of control in all aspects of our lives, how to do it, and the gifts that are bestowed upon us when we do.
To effectively let go of control, we must address and defuse our fears, which are the primary catalyst for controlling behavior. One way to do this is to separate the objective facts from the nightmares we script for ourselves, and then act constructively upon the objective facts or reality. When we do that, our fears lessen, and our compulsion to control eases.
We also must be willing to “accept” life (meaning people and things and circumstances) as it is. When we accept life as it is, there is need to control. Further, acceptance births viable paths and options that we otherwise would not be able to recognize and even enjoy because it takes the focus off what we can’t control and puts it on what we do have control over–ourselves.
Danny
Faith-I have been reading your older posts. I have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety that has left me homebound for 3 years. I have other medical problems, but my mind won’t let go of this debilitating grip on me.
I don’t remember my childhood from High School back,except for being beaten by my sister (vague memories that were confirmed) and being molested by my grandfather. Which even though he had been jailed for abusing a cousin of mine(didn’t know this then) my mother didn’t believe me.
I have been in therapy upon therapy, but last night my boyfriend of nine years told me that I change voices and personalities. 3 distinct ones. He thought I knew, or was doing it on purpose. I am scared and don’t know what to do.
What is my first step? I did leave a message with my psychologist asking if he can come to my next appointment to explain this behaviour,but I am so blown away by this I don’t know what to do. If you can’t help, I am sorry for bothering you.
Lynne
Hi, Lynne.
You did the right thing by contacting your therapist.
I think of healing from DID (and from childhood trauma in general) as “awakening” to your life and to yourself. If you have DID, you have had it since you were a little kid. The only thing that is new is that you are now “awakening” to it. There is no need to fear yourself. You are embarking upon an amazing journey of healing and hope. :0)
– Faith
Totally.. I had a dissociative disorder but I started telling that growing personality that I know it’s there and then that I’m old enough to have the truth and to please let the adult me deal with my past and emotions..
I had to ask that other me to let me be one person and trust that I don’t need protecting anymore and that I need all of me in one.
But help from people who really know how to deal with that stuff is a big help!!
One more thing: I am a big fan of meditations by Malcom Huxter:
http://www.buddhanet.net/audio-meditation.htm
http://www.malhuxter.com/
I much prefer the approach he takes in the following meditation (witnessing with compassionate acceptance) to that of “not judging”:
“Healing Painful Emotions”
Note: his recordings have birds in the background. At first I thought it was a bad recording until I figured that out!
Here’s a tip that helps me – “whatever happens, I can handle it.” Trusting myself makes rolling with what happens that’s outside my control, helps. So does the serenity prayer. Trying to control stuff that’s outside my control is just a waste of time, and my time could be better spent working on the stuff that is legitimately about my own actions and therefore within my control.
my thoughts regarding the “no-judging”. I think the “no-judging” is as judging as the “judging”. Within the same paradigm, only on the other side of both ends but still the same way of missing reality. I had an aha- momemt when I realised that instead it is about seeing and feeling what IS. there is no good or bad as such but what IS. and it wasnt enough to know about that but I needed to find some “doing” to replace the “judging”, after all “love is action” and that meant for me learning how to accept (myself) in very practical terms. It was only when I practised loving observation (also called acceptance or lovingly witnessing or respecting facts and feelings (I used the method devised by Nathaniel Branden) or compassionate awareness or…:) that I learned I was not my feelings and not my thoughts but -in fact-me:) which then helped me to discover my fears and resolving them by embracing them. after all now I knew I wasnt my fears so accepting them came naturally.
and I am wary about the term “mindfulness.” Because just “mindfulness” leaves out one essential component: the active part of LOVING. its found its way into psychotherapy by adapting one of the buddhistic strategies but sadly its incomplete and it is usually really just that: “MIND-fulness” but we are mind AND heart.
I am a survivor/thriver of childhood sexual abuse. I too am going through a time of transition/transformation. Trying to let go of old paradigms and shift. I just want you to know how comforted I am by your blog and the comments. I happened upon them today when I did a search on THE BLACK SWAN and mother/daughter incest (just watched the movie.. picked up on the incest immediately. Many of my close friends saw this movie, but not one of them picked up on the incest). I am trying to let go of the fact that nobody really cares about sexual abuse except for those of us survivors/thrivers living it. Thank you for your blog, Faith. I am so grateful that I found it, and I am with you and the struggle to let go…..
[…] Comments « How Does a Control Freak Let Go of Control? […]
I wish I could explain adequately in words what I’ve been through in the last few months, as it’s so relevant to this judging/ not judging debate. I’ll just try and the reason for doing so is in case anyone else has been through this and can nod, or almost perhaps also to prepare those of you who might have this ahead as it was perhaps the hardest stage of my healing for me.
I became aware that some of my parts absolutely believe that they are murderers and psychopaths, because that is what they were told they were by my father who projected all his own wrong-doing onto me. Classic therapy tells you to repeat over and over that you are not the murderer or the psycopath and that if you did bad things, you didn’t mean to, you were only a child. This was not enough for me to heal those parts. I had all the feelings of a murderer and a psychopath, and alot of insight into their mindset too because I felt as one and had acted (been made to act) as one. Note, I initially sought therapeutic help for having committed murder, though that was when I was a young girl under duress.
To heal I had to learn to love myself and a by-product of this was feeling a lot of compassion for my abuser. This compassion can co-exist with judgement; when I felt the hell that he must be in on some (unacknowledged) level, through opening up to the murderer/psychopath parts of myself, the only way forward was compassion: to be so sorry at the waste of a human life gone to evil. This has been very healing for me. Small things, like before I wondered how someone so abusive and evil could enjoy ordinary things like jam-on-toast for breakfast. This makes me think of the Nazis who committed genocide yet ALSO enjoyed things like listening to fine music, dancing etc. They were civilised and not animals. This is the scarier truth. Now I can see that those moments of my father enjoying something normal and good were tiny parts of his soul still alive to good, where most was dead.
Note that my compassion does not necessarily equate to forgiveness, and I would welcome any chance for my father to be imprisoned and brought to justice. But my need for external justice has got a lot less and is focussed around protecting others and chances of healing for my father and society, rather than redress for me. I can finally see that my redress is internal, in the ability to feel total compassion for the life I led (had to lead) as a child.
It’s very hard to put this struggle into words and it was very, very hard indeed. At the times when those parts who believed themselves murderers, psychopaths and evil came out, I was terribly afraid of society which normally banishes or kills such people. I did not dare speak what I felt, only to myself.
I don’t know if I’ll have to go through this again on another level as more memories come back, but I feel glad I gave myself time (nearly half a year off work) to do this healing because it’s been quite dramatic. This post also goes back to the comment that Faith’s T made once that she shouldn’t try try to get into the heads of her abusers. Unfortunately, if you have DID I think this is a false approach because there will be at least part of your head that IS ALREADY in the mindset of the abusers. That part will also need healing, not shying away from.
Sorry for such a long post – thank you so much for letting me say this here, haven’t said it anywhere else or to anyone yet.
I can read this and nod. Thank you.
Thank you.
Hi, A x.
I am glad you felt comfortable sharing all of that here. :0)
– Faith
One more thing. I wote this as a personal journal entry, addressed to myself(ves) and thought it might be helpful…
You have noticed that you are in discomfort. Good!
Take a breath and tell yourself what is making you uncomfortable (anxious/fearful/angry/whathaveyou).
What is the need right now? If all you can find out is “I feel a need to control this situation,” that is OKAY.
Now put words to it in your mind. Good!
What will or might happen if you say those words out loud?
Now say them anyway. Any relationship or situation worth being in is going to withstand the weight you feel your needs possess. If the relationship is worth having, you will find out only by being honest with yourself.
Say it, and let yourself have the goodness of healthy communication.
Good! Now you know. You are worth being respected. Even if all you could say was “I feel a need to control this situation and I don’t know what to do about that,” that is a giant good thing! The people involved will either see and respect the effort you are making to be honest and healthy, or they will not. If the first, then it will be worked out as a team. If the second, you will know for sure that you are not in a healthy situation and your need to control it is well-founded!
Good Job!!
Happy returns!
Only thing I can think of is just plain practice. The serenity prayer comes to mind… It’s the wisdom to know the difference part that always throws me!
Another mindful practice is “allowing”. I disallow myself a lot. I’m just learning to really allow. Also another distraction is to count blessings when feeling particularly steamed up…. well after hitting the pillow or whatever first.
Good luck Faith. You’ve conquered a whole lot bigger than this, so i know it won’t be long before you find your own groove with it.
peace,
m
I am just struggling with the same subject, also after mother-daughter abuse. Here is an entry I found: http://theconservativebuddhist.blogspot.ca/2010/04/letting-go-of-control-repost.html.
I am also thinking that the need to control comes from the need to be safe. If it does, then it also means that we are afraid to trust. My husband suggested an exercise – whenever he sees me trying to change his mind or fight for no reason, he says: ‘trust’ and I know I have to let go and trust him. This is a very mechanic way of learning trust, but in the end i discover that he does not mean anything bad and that not having a final say does not make the world stop. Of course, you would do it only with a person who actually is trustworthy and you know won’t overstep their boundaries.
It’s a difficult and long process though…
All the best!
Thank you .. That is simple but good.
‘Trust’
I’m facing something so close.. So deep so dark.. I’m such a control freak and desperately want to let go. I was sexually abused as a child and this horrid nasty controlling darkness is infiltrating my marriage, my relationship with my kids.. My ‘contentment ‘ in life. I quite like the judging thing you talk about.. I’m going to adopt that for a while and include it to my ‘tools’ thanks.