Over weekend, a friend and I went to the beach for a relaxing weekend without husbands or children. It’s been almost a year since I have gotten away without my child, but that was a different kind of weekend that had its own share of stresses. This was an incredibly relaxing weekend with the two of us doing whatever we felt like doing whenever we felt like doing it. I am not sure I have ever had a weekend quite like it.
As I shared yesterday, I had a professional massage for the first time. We ate at restaurants I have wanted to try but that hub has always nixed. We watched movies (something I love to do but rarely get the opportunity to do at home since nobody else in my family likes to watch movies). We laughed. It was a fun, carefree weekend – a concept that was completely foreign to me. I felt so relaxed.
As we started driving home, I felt a heaviness settle over my shoulders. I could feel the weight of returning home, and it made me feel so sad. (It doesn’t help that I also have a sinus infection, so I was/am in physical pain while working through these emotions.) I just wanted to cry.
When I got home after a 4-1/2 hour drive, I wanted to cry but had no time. I had dinner with hub’s family following by 2-1/2 hours of online (webcam) training for my job. I was exhausted after that and went to bed. The next day, I hit the ground running for work and appointments.
Thankfully, I had a therapy appointment yesterday. The first thing I did was cry. My T asked me what I was returning to in my life that was about me. I said nothing, to which he replied, “Exactly.” We talked about how I spend my time doing everything for everyone else and that there isn’t time or room for me.
My T asked why I went to family dinner the night before when I was so tired. I said it never occurred to me not to. He said that I need to examine all of those automatic responses that I have. I am on autopilot in so many areas of my life, and the autopilot is programmed for me to take care of everyone else. There needs to be time and space for me. Right now there isn’t, which is why I felt so depressed about returning home.
My homework is to challenge every automatic response and think about ways that I can make room for me in my own life. I have to expect that all of these changes will come with resistance, and I will have to let go of being perceived as the “good” person (good wife, good mother, etc.) It has always been so important for me to be the “good” ___ , and the people in my life have exploited this to direct me to meet their needs at the expense of my own.
This is such a tall order, and I don’t feel up to it with my head hurting every time I breathe. I need to get this sinus infection cleared up first and then focus on this challenge. I actually did do one thing yesterday – I didn’t feel up to cooking dinner and bought takeout instead. That’s nearly unheard of for me.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Good Effort!
I noticed this about me. Say things start to go well. First thing that comes to my mind is now I will be able to do ….. for someone. That is what doing well meant to me.
The other thing I noticed is I blame others for expecting me to act the same. They do get angry when I act different. At best they just wait it out until I change back to the way they like me to act.
Here is the thing, They do not feel the need to explain why they do not like the change in me. I do feel the need to explain. Thing is the need is mine.
I swim for no good reason. I can not explain it. I still fight it every time I want to go swimming for no good reason. It is my need to be able to explain.
“Say things start to go well. First thing that comes to my mind is now I will be able to do ….. for someone.”
I totally get this too. If I have anything to give, I want to give it away, not to myself! Uh-oh!
Fantastic post. You have learned so much from this getaway. I am so glad you went, even though you aren’t feeling all that great. Things like ordering out for dinner are exactly what you need to do for you! These small steps give way to bigger things, but the important thing is you taking care of you. 🙂
Well you’ve made progress already! I don’t know if it helps, but I’ve always thought that one can’t be a “good” anything if one lives for others or works round them continually never thinking of themselves, because it’s like buying their affection. I cannot truly love someone if I am letting myself down to do things for them the whole time. It seems to weaken the part of me that feels love. Living in this new way feels so selfish to me, but I try to remember that as a child I had no concept of self and could not be selfish, so comparatively of course it will feel that way. Actually it’s just usual.
How about a positive affirmation to help such as;
I am beautiful, loved, important and cherished. I take good care of myself because my value is so infinite. I allow myself time to just be me everyday and enjoy the gift of life.
Faith, your are beautiful, deeply loved, important and very much cherished. Take good care of yourself because your value is infinite. Take time for yourself everyday and enjoy the gift of life.
Hi, HP.
That sounds beautiful, but I don’t believe it. :0(
I have done other affirmations that I didn’t believe. I eventually did, but it took a while. The hardest part is getting started.
– Faith
Well I believe it! As a matter of fact, I know it!!! You are beautiful, deeply loved, important and very much cherished… even right here in my heart and I know God’s love is so much more than mine could ever be. He has a tender, caring, eye over you and heart that is broken for you. He sees your beauty, your giving heart, your deepest needs. He sees it all and knows. Believe it! It’s the truth!
couldnt agree more with Sworddancewarrior! its not so much about believing but knowing. I think we all KNOW on some level that we are LOVE by being loved and loving, its just that we are not fully aware of it. not yet anyway:) so I wouldnt be too much concerned about not being able to believe it because the more the I am becoming aware of myself the more I KNOW I AM LOVE. Affirmations for me are like navigations as to what I would like to become aware of in alignment with my true self. and when I first explored affirmations I started out with becoming aware of how so NOT aware I was of myself and how much I did NOT know about love. and admitting that to myself was essential for realizing that after all it is about knowledge- knowledge from within, the beauty of becoming aware of myself:)
Sorry! got the names mixed up- I meant heavenly places!
Faith,
awwww you might not see it yet, but I feel that you are truly moving into your own space. The place where you can breathe deeply, rest your heart and just BE.
There is one book I would like to recommend to you: The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson. She is an inspiring author, a life coach, has her own radio show on and her website is http://cherylrichardson.com/ and very much knows what she is talking about. She also offers free weekly newletters which one can subscribe to. and it was her that made me realize that in my life the most important thing is to have a loving and caring relationship with MY SELF. It was such an alien concept to me that I was almost in shock for several days- suddenly I could see what my life was about (me:) and I just couldnt comprehend how I could have missed out on that. Talk about massive paradigm-shifting:) sorry if get a bit too enthusiastic but I just find it so empowering!!!
I so, so, so identify with this Faith! It’s once again almost exactly the part of healing that I am focussing on. I find that, if I ever have more money than I need for the essentials of family life as a single mum, I can’t think how I could spend it on me! I just don’t know how to treat myself! I recently bought a cheap but beautiful dress in my lunch-hour and told a colleague I rarely do treat myself. She’s a v healthy person and she said “But that’s what life is all about!”. I thought, how wonderful to see life that way! I wonder if you felt sad too after your trip because you feel a loss of not having always been able to have such lovely times as you had just had, because of your self-denigration. I sometimes get a real low after having a lovely time and I think that’s part of it, I think of time wasted when I could have been having a nice time. I’ve pretty much decided that the key to my healing is always to treat myself, even when it’s virtually impossible because of triggers and the associated feelings of shame, anger, etc. You should be happy to know that I count writing here to be ‘treating myself’, because it’s allowing time for me, my emotions, connecting with people I can consider to be thoughtful and wanting better things for me! But if you ever stopped blogging I wouldn’t take it personally, either!
This is a struggle for many mothers, whatever their backgrounds. Its not “right” for a mother to take time for herself.
I find it less guilt inducing if I “pay” for it by completing some other task. So, if you spend lots of quality time with your kids that day, or spend a solid hour cleaning house, then its more mentally “OK” to just sit down in the evening and “waste time” doing something for yourself.
If you can’t find it within yourself to do things for yourself “just because”, then consider giving it to yourself as a reward.