I told a friend (one of my best friends who I met after therapy) what I blogged about yesterday, and her response was surprise that I would ever try to be anything but me. She was truly perplexed that I would think that I needed to be anything other than myself. I was perplexed that she was perplexed.
Why have I been afraid to be me? It’s all shame-driven, which is why it has been so hard to shake. Here are criticisms I have heard about myself for my entire life:
- Too intense
- Talk too fast
- Too “Type A”
- Too passive/too headstrong (depending upon who is commenting)
- Nerd/Geek (straight A’s, computer geek, etc.)
- Too honest
- Too committed (stay in things too long) and don’t try hard enough (again, depending upon who is commenting)
- Too “perfect” (goody two shoes) and not good enough (again, depending upon who is commenting)
- Too smart (make other people feel stupid)
- Too nice/not nice enough (another depending upon the person)
- Not good at “Southern Women” things – housekeeping, etc.
- Lacking in social graces (learn through bumbling about basics like ask what to wear and what to bring when invited to someone’s house)
I come across as very confident, which many people (mostly pre-therapy people) seem to think needs to be knocked down a notch. I am actually an incredibly frightened person who has spent her life trying to be “perfect” so I won’t be abandoned. As you can see from my list, being “perfect” is hard to do when I am both too nice and not nice enough at the same time.
I am finished defining myself by anyone else’s list. Here is my own list that I will live by. People can take me or leave me, but these rules are replacing those that others have placed upon me:
- I will be myself regardless of the setting – in personal relationships, professional relationships, and everything in between
- I will be honest – not cruel and tactless, but honest in a diplomatic way
- I give myself permission to make mistakes and view them as learning opportunities – If I cannot make a mistake in a relationship, then I don’t need that relationship
- I will listen to my intuition and follow its lead – no more talking myself into staying in places that I have outgrown
- I will be true to myself no matter the cost – no relationship in my life is worth abandoning myself for
- I will set aside time each day for myself – to exercise, watch a comedy, read a book, do yoga, take a walk — something that is just for me
- I will not take responsibility for anyone else’s side of a relationship – I am responsible for my own actions and reactions, not anyone else’s
- I will keep telling myself that I will be OK no matter what life throws my way until I believe it – there is nothing and no one that I cannot survive losing
- I will give myself the freedom to express whatever I am feeling, no matter how badly it feels, and learn how to feel my emotions without being washed away by them
- I will not allow anyone else’s opinion of me to define me
- I will keep telling myself that I love myself as I am until I believe it
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
They are some great rules. Really great.
**possibly triggering – criticisms and mention of torture**
I had a lot of contradictory messages growing up, too. At home I was told I was lazy, stupid, vain, overconfident and materialistic. So I tried my best to be good, to not be those things, then I got bullied mercilessly at school for apparently being a swot, too clever, clueless about clothes and makeup, too quiet/weird/shy and puritanical. Every single day I felt the pull in different directions. Very like that ancient method of execution (I can’t remember if it actually happened or if it’s just fictional) where someone is tied to a few horses then the horses whipped to go in opposite directions and the person is literally pulled apart. Trying to figure out what other people wanted of me sapped all my energy and is perhaps the greatest cause of my feelings of alienation. The only upside was that it made me realise that both sets of people couldn’t be right, so maybe neither was.
Hi, Jan.
My therapist’s response to my being “too passive” and “too intense” at the same time (depending upon the perception), etc., was that I am adaptable, which is a wonderful quality. :0)
– Faith
I think so, I think it also shows sensitivity. I would say that generally people criticising for opposite things due to varying perception is entirely their responsibility. They feel the need to criticise, so they look for something to make a fuss about, and if all else fails, they make something up then act as if it’s true. Of course if your perceived intensity (or passivity) doesn’t suit someone, that’s ok, as long as they’re honest, kind and polite about it. When someone says “you’re too [insert adjective here]” what they really mean is “you’re too [insert adjective here] *for me*”. Funny how a lot of people forget those two little words!
Very few people are totally intense or totally passive (or totally anything else), and anyone in the middle is always going to encounter people more or less [insert adjective here] than themselves. It’s probably just a case of coming to the realisation that your place on the scale is as valid as anyone elses. That’s what I find difficult.
What a great list. Giving up trying to be perfect is so healing for me. We can use perfectionism to beat ourselves up with and so can other people. This week I was part of a panel discussion on Dialogues With Dignity where the topic was Progress Over Perfection. You might be interested in listening. It fits really well with some of your list. Here in the link in case you are interested. http://dialogueswithdignity.podbean.com/2011/08/23/progress-over-perfection/
“She was truly perplexed that I would think that I needed to be anything other than myself. I was perplexed that she was perplexed.”
I would be too, but sounds like you have a healthy friend there.
We love your list (list 2), hope you don’t mind if we copy them down and put them somewhere we can read them often. Hopefully some of it will filter through to our subconscious.
Bay
Hi, Bay.
You may always use whatever you find useful on my blog as part of your own healing journey. :0)
My therapist loved the list, too. He actually loved both of them. He loved my recognition of how others have tried to label me and pointed out that my ability to fall along a continuum is a strength — that’s adaptability. :0) He said that the second list is a great road map for everyone — that nobody will ever achieve it in this lifetime but that it is the goal.
– Faith
Thank you :o)
Agree with your therapist, shows strength too, to recognize how other people see you and realize that that is not the whole truth, only a tiny snapshot of who you are, taken through someone else’s lens.
Bay
We finally got to “be what we want to be” which is …. me! Took a bit of doing and some therapy I don’t want to mention, but we managed to pull it off – no more shame, no more telling anyone “I love you” when “I” don’t want to … lots of forgiveness for our pasts; even more for the future … not to mention just ‘feeling good’ and feelin’ happy most of the time. Being “me” means being “we”, by the way – but we’re good with it! Hope you can get the same. Part of it was saying “the heck with it and what society wants us to be – “I’m” gonna be “me” – even if it means being a bit ‘crazy’ (by society’s definition) – and we don’t care anymore what ‘they’ think.
Again: hope you can do the same. Feels good to have gotten rid of the shame; the issues of the past … but don’t let life fool ya. There are always more issues to come.
Life is a learnin’ process, after all – and we’re learning every day!
Take care, Faith – and ya’ll feel good sometimes.
Sincerely,
Jeff & Michael & some others and Crew
Jeff & Friends
I love your list. It is full of strength and beauty, just like you 🙂
Congratulations Faith, well done.
Peace,
m
I am always amazed at how Faith and some of the others who comment on this list are able to make themselves move forward in life after such trauma. I admire the freedom you have given yourself to heal, hurt, struggle, grow, dare to live, dare to have an ambition in life, etc. I have never been able to focus on living. I am really not sure how a person goes about this. How do I leave the dream of death behind? Abuse is one thing, but living is quite another. Where do you find the will to live?
I relate well to the drive behind Faith’s old list. I don’t understand where someone gets the drive to push forward and actually become a real person. I am much more comfortable in the role of a servant and adapting to any situation. The love of my life has been death, and I think about it constantly. I am trying to change how I think as I have a family, but it so hard to do. I believe that my faith that has kept me this far.
I discovered this list about a year ago and so appreciated Faith’s blog and the comments of the others. For the first time I have found a place where I did not feel like such an alien. It has been such a comfort and has given me understanding on issues that never made sense before. I sense that I am changing since I am even addressing the issue of living. Thank you all for posting your stories, struggles, failures, successes, etc. You have been such a blessing!!!
P.S. Faith posted a video this summer by a speaker named Brene Brown which was great. I am now reading her book ” The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are. It also is wonderful.
In a real way I am multiple as I could not express who I was.
As my wife and I say to each other, we say to you, “There you are.” :)) The world becomes a much better place for the individual and all of us when our Soul’s sing the song that is us. My wife is also seeing herself and her world is getting good. My world is good, the world itself is such a better place for it. This is true in your life faithallen, the world is benefitting and becoming better from your spirit awakening and the WORLD should know it :))
I have a tattoo on my back, it is my life motto. It is in hebrew. It reads “Love oneself regardless”. I have learned there is no need to critique myself, to judge or to wish I were anything but what I am. (Actually, i believe that to be a crazy thought, unrealistic) I was born unique, with a personality all my own, and a perspective different from everyone around me. My presence in the world is a gift, it won’t be found by anyone but me. Trying to stifle it or change it totally takes away from what I am. By doing nothing on my part but being born I was brought into this world to bring my flavor. So I am, and hearing about you and all you are doing is truly inspiring. Thank you. It’s beautiful to read and to fell like a part of it.
Awesome!