My father-in-law took my son and me for a visit to his college alma mater at a military school. We watched the military parade, ate lunch in the mess hall, and then watched a football game. I had a great time other than experiencing a strong trigger reaction during the military parade. The trigger tied into two traumatic events from college, both of which I wrote about in this blog entry.
The first memory had to do with a gang rape of sorts, although in fairness to the perps, I probably appeared to be consenting. What I did not share before was that this was a party attended by many men in ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corp). So, visiting a military campus, where all of the men were in ROTC and in uniform, was the first trigger.
The second trigger was the smell of a man’s cologne. It was the same cologne that my ex-boyfriend used to wear – the same ex-boyfriend I wrote about in that blog entry who raped me in his dorm room at a different college.
So, we were standing around the parade grounds with hundreds of other people watching the ROTC parade with the smell of that man’s cologne hitting me. I couldn’t get away – it was very crowded, and I was there with my kid and father-in-law, which was chatting with a fellow alum and his wife as other people pressed in around us to watch the parade.
I got lightheaded. I told myself I couldn’t leave, which moved me into feeling dizzy and then the blood draining out of my head. I dropped to my knees to try to stop myself from fainting.
At this point, my father-in-law noticed that something was wrong and directed me to a nearby bench that I had not noticed before. With deep breaths of air not smelling like my rapist’s cologne, the dizziness/lightheadedness went away, and I felt more like myself again.
After the parade, we took my son to the gift shop, which is where all of those other people went as well. It was hot and crowded, and I had to wait in line for 20+ minutes with wall-to-wall bodies. That didn’t bother me a bit – no lightheadedness at all.
It has been a long time since I was hit that hard with a trigger. I am used to the “floaty,” lightheaded feeling, but I don’t recall feeling ready to faint. Of course, I used to dissociate with regularity, so I probably was unaware of how hard a trigger would hit me. I guess I should celebrate that I was able to stay present through it.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I am so sorry that you had the experience that caused the trigger.
I have had experiences that seem similar to the one described where I all most faint. Understanding that my experiences may not be related in any meaning full way.
It is my belief that my “symptoms” are from holding off those times when I feel like am going to faint. For me it seems it is the holding off that is the problem.
It is not pleasant to go through by any means. For me I see it as temporary and healing. Not temporary enough to be sure.
I had an experience this morning. I brought my car in to be inspected. There was lots going on not the least of which I did not sleep yesterday when I could have. In the garage I thought I was going to faint or throw up of both. I am very very comfortable in the garage. I have spent thousand and thousands over the years. Both the mechanics are very creative and we get along great.
I stayed with the physical feeling as much as I could. I do not know right now what it was about. I am just to busy to figure it out. That for me is not putting it off. I had the physical reaction that I did and it is in the past. Knowing why is for the future.
To be clear I am not totally blindsided. I know a little bit about what was going on.
That is rough- for both of you. 😦
Because, triggers mean, going back to the trauma- the feelings and that is really rough stuff that most people cannot fully appreciate. Triggers remind me of my low blood sugar- when it drops I have a strong reaction, and it takes me awhile to recuperate. The same with triggers. Take care of yourself. Even after the trigger goes away, the memory from it, even if it is just tiny bits or no memory at all, yet our brain continues to try and processes and work through it for days. That’s okay. I say that, because I know for myself, after starting my healing process over three years ago, I tend to feel its long enough and I should be over it now and I no longer deserve validation. But that is a lie. If it hurts still, it hurts and we still need empathy, validation and to be heard. I am sorry for what both of you had to feel in those triggers and I rejoice too, in your progress!
Heavenly places, your words were so meaningful. After three days of continuous triggers (largely based on the time of year) I arbitrarily decided this morning “it’s long enough and I should be over it now and I no longer deserve validation” or special allowances. I’m sick to death of having to allow for being triggered or having parts. And yet when I don’t internally muster the compassion or the empathy to acknowledge “my truth”, it tends to get much worse. I know my brain is still trying to process and work through what happened, just like you said. And yet I get frustrated with myself and shame myself for not getting over them (triggers) faster or better and letting it affect me. Thank you for reminding me that I’m still recovering from them, no matter what I would rather believe.
Thank you! I saw my T today and went over this same issue. I was thinking how, sometimes, a present day issue or happening- with the adult mind intact, can take days to process. And we are trying to process and learn things we never got to learn as children, and reprogram etc… of course it will take years. Many times my tendency to beat myself up, is because, I am believing someone else is seeing me through that judgement, (even though they really are not) usually my support system. If they have not validated me for awhile, I think it is because they think I should be over it by now, and then mentally I agree with them. From there I spiral down into depression and deep grief.
Faith
It does sound as though you handled this very well indeed, in terms of recognizing the trigger, allowing your reaction as much as you could and owning your reaction and doing some thinking about it afterwards.
I still find it very hard to do all that and I can even beat myself up for handling triggers badly which is ridiculous really.
I also like what Michael says about being too busy to figure it out but that being ok. So many, many things trigger me (my RA involved both the military and also the music/ theatre industries, including people involved in education and medical professions; lots of media was used to program me) that I just couldn’t attempt to process it all as thoughtfully as I would like because there would be no time for living in the present. The best way I forgive myself for not spending ALL my time healing is imagining I am looking after a house full of abused children, there would have to be some time for healing but it would not be all the time, the present would be v important too.
Thats a good way of looking at it- a good visual to help keep a balance!
Sounds like you handled this amazingly! I am new to your blog but let me just say I spent the entire night reading through your posts. Post after post I cried feeling so much reassurance that I am not alone in this world where sicko’s think they are entitled to another person’s body. I am new to these triggers and unfortunately they have crept up on me and are invading daily life as I know it. I rarely stay ‘present’ lately and I have actually fainted and had to make the excuse that I hadn’t eaten something and ‘oh silly me, for being so irresponsible’ when in actuality it felt like being swallowed by my own skin and memories. I hope someday to be and to feel ‘human’ again (so to speak) I also read your previous post about the self injury through masturbation. I have serious problems with self injury in more than just this way. It makes me feel less isolated knowing I’m not the only one. Thank you for your tremendous courage.
Hi, unbreakable bluebird.
Welcome to my blog! :0)
– Faith
The work of therapy is easy. Just stop doing what ever has worked in the past and hope that works with no known end if sight.
I have a little trick that I use when this seems to go on for forever. I can not live it. I look back and some of the trauma that I have processed and know the reality is I went very very fast. It does lead to knowing the focus of my life as been on healing from the past for 8 years and that trying to find a way to heal went on for 49 years before that.
This work is not hard on many levels it is hard on every single one, new levels are discovered that are hard and new ones are created.
I am intrinsically isolated from what others are doing in their life. Not only is my time spent in a way no one can fathom everything I do is for a different reason. I do art and the Rubik cube to heal my corpus callosum and it can cause me to not know who I am. I swim to heal my reptilian brain. I just found out I need to sumbmerge and experience different temperature to heal my brain stem.
The question “How are you doing or what are you doing?” Can not even begin to be answered. As close as I can come is to tell my therapist that I am doing good work and working hard. Sometimes I can not even tell her I am doing good work. I can always tell her I am working hard.
The next hardest thing I ever did was to start a business from scratch which was much easier, College was a breeze,.
There is no real end. Name one thing that you work on that is this complicated and has no real defined goal. You do not even have any idea if it will end never mind when. Name one thing where the only real goal is to not have to do it anymore that has no known end.
It so often seems the only possibility is less bad. The concept of doing better than ever seems to be lost. I did not become multiple to minimize the trauma I became multiple as a way to try and thrive.
Sometimes it feels like I am Wily Coyote. Spending my life on a task where I know I will fail and if I succeed I have no purpose at all.
This comment is not from a negative place. It is not meant to be a downer. It is just acknowledging how complicated and hard this work is. In a real way it can only be written as things seem to be headed in a good direction for me.
thats a horrible thing to hav to experiance bt it must b a good sign that u did stay present throughout, i hope ur ok.
Alice x
You saying about the group of boys who thought you were consenting made me think: how do you feel about people/incidents where you were abused unintentionally? For example I used to frequently be ‘starved’ by people who had been told I felt too Ill to eat, when they didn’t feed me they were contributing to me being abused however they were trying to be kind. And times where an abuser scared me beyond how a child should “normally” feel but without trying to, my fear being based on previous expereinces or expectations. For me a major part of healing is working out how I feel and relate to people or experiences but this is something I really struggle with. I am only now understanding how I feel about people who trigger me by accident, but that has taken a long time, do you ever feel any anger about that? Sorry if any of this is at all unclear, it’s hard to express!
[…] my blog entry entitled Strong Trigger Reaction to Visiting a College Campus, a reader wrote the following question: You saying about the group of boys who thought you were […]
My trigger? Military period. Even ROTC. Born into it, bred into it; breathed it and lived it for the first 26 years of my life. Trained, trained trained . . . even as a small child. “Child soldier” is what one Lt. Col. told me . . . a chopper in the distance; a C-130 – the smell of old canvas can send me back a thousand years it seems – in an instant …
To the smell of that old tent; that pup-tent where I was abused; or other things in other places.
You know, Faith, they say smell is one of the big memory ‘triggers’ – reacts very strongly sometimes; that a single scent can stick with you from childhood on . . . forever. The smell of a rose bringing back a stage; the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg, Christmas. That kind of thing. Perhaps that was part of ‘it’. That and the heat and ‘excitement’ (processing things around you: crowds and military and all) – and shoot, who’s got time to thoroughly ‘process’ or ‘dig into’ when you are in the middle of an event? It’s called “survival”, hon – and you know us “survivors” (I like to think of us as thrivers, thank you very much, LOL!) – are good at this thing. Sounds like you kept it well in hand – and just goes to show: you never know WHEN you’ll get hit by some trigger – we’ve had it happen at … well, times. You know. Sitting down at the dinner table; see something, then “trigger” – or just a word spoken in the right way; a gesture; an indication – sunlight falling in a certain way . . .
or something as simple as the scent of cologne . . . hitting you just the wrong way.
Stay safe (we know you will!) – and I agree with Michael: this IS a ‘never ending process’ – for what we seek is happiness (I think; speaking for myself here!) – and happiness is by definition almost a transient emotion – there and gone like the flicker of a moth’s wings in the night – however – we are hoping you ALL can catch that moth and hold it tight . . . and be happy forever long.
🙂