As I shared here and here, I mutually ended a nine-year dysfunctional friendship in August and have been grieving it to varying degrees ever since. This was the first friendship where I really allowed myself to be vulnerable. She saw the “real me” before anyone else did. She was my rock during my therapy years, patiently listening and supporting me as a worked through the painful healing process.
She is also the same person who encouraged the more damaged part of myself. She tried to convince me that the binge eating was a “normal snack.” She encouraged feeling resentment toward my husband and child. Our commonality was our pain, but I healed much of mine while she is still mired in her muck. My life view is that I can transform and step back into a life not defined by my past. Her life view is that she needs to control her surroundings so that nobody can hurt her again. What once worked beautifully now stifled me and stymied her… and now, it’s over.
On her end, the friendship could only continue on her terms. That meant that she was not only “in charge” but “in control.” I no longer wanted someone else “in control” of me, especially when that control continued to drive me back to the dark places. I have not worked this hard to stay “dark.”
I really liked Ruby’s comment on this blog entry:
I am kind by nature, but can be a doormat by training. My one question that help me decide whether to reach out or stay quiet is “Am I acting out of love or fear.” If I’m afraid of their response…I stay quiet and let it happen. ~ Ruby
Yes, that was our dynamic. So much of what I said or didn’t say was out of fear of p#$$ing her off, not love. There wasn’t room to be me because I was constantly gauging her reaction. That was unhealthy for me and had to end.
Just because a decision is good and “right” for me doesn’t make it easy, though. I was angry at her betrayal for a long time, and that helped propel me through the grief. I have let go of the anger, and that leaves behind the sadness. Don’t get me wrong – I have wonderful friends and have more social opportunities than I have time to accept. It’s not that.
I grieve the loss of all of the good things she brought – her intimate knowledge of my history (and mine of hers), her unwavering support of me no matter what (as long as my view aligned with hers), TV shows she introduced me to, our intellectual conversations, her sense of humor, etc. She loves the holidays and would do lots of holiday-related things with me. I don’t like the holiday, and she is the one who brought the “holiday spirit” that my son loves so much. I think the approach of Halloween (we used to take our children trick-or-treating together) is triggering some of this grief.
I don’t want the friendship back because I know it is unhealthy for me. However, I still miss the good parts.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I am glad you wrote this and now.
I had a friend last year and I had to end the friendship. It was never a really strong one, it just had so much possibility. I realized the other day I was hoping that I ran into her and she had changed. Not that she is not good for her just not good for me.
It is a time of year thing. We had fun when we could be outside and such. Once the cold weather came it just did not work. I do not know what my thing with not enough sun brought to the relationship.
All my relationships are changing. I too want and pine after the good parts. Thing is I can really really do that. It is not me that needs to take it to the next level. I am really good with just having fun. Thing is I do not like to pretend when that is not the real reality.
I like that “real reality”
I am all good with dealing with problems in a relationship. Pretending they do not exist not so good.
The thing with me and the dark places is I do not go there without purpose. The purpose is to heal.
And people drive me nuts. I have two kayaks on my truck and the paddles and life jackets are in the truck. People still find excuses not to just go. They make it so complicated. Just put the boat in the fricking water and paddle and it is fun. It does not even take skill as the one they can use is a recreational kayak. Guess I am not as over the anger as I thought. Smile.
Feels a lot like a divorce/break up doesn’t it? I’ve found that to be true when I have broken things off with friends. Especially the ones that I’ve known LONGER than my hub.
I empathize… it’s hard. Be good to yourself and maybe if there is some close friend you have now you can share this with, it may be helpful. to have some support during the season..?
peace,
m
I’ve been feeling very much this way over the friendship that I gave up. On the one hand, I’m still uncertain as to whether I made the right choice–the friendship hurt me a lot, no doubt, but was it because of things she did or just because I was reacting to my own issues? If so, can I really justify being angry at her for it?
But what gets me more than that is remembering the good stuff that happened between us, how loving and supportive she often was, the shows we watched together, the fun we had. I miss that. I wish that I could go back to that, and have it all be good like it was for a little while.
Having a bit of a rough day here, just so run down with coping with everyday life yet trying to allow space for healing, lack of good support/ understanding…so it means a lot you post here, Faith, just to know you are daily surviving RA as we are and grappling with life’s issues as best you can as a human being; thanks. We lost most best friends recently and not allowing overwhelming feelings of loss as decided instead to celebrate what we did have in the friendship and our good decisions to end them based on protecting and affirming our self, still feelings of loss do stop by from time to time.
Hi, A x.
I have been struggling this week myself — waves of depression, anger, and anxiety. Perhaps there is a tie-in to the ritual abuse??
– Faith
I find this interesting. The friendship that I was writing about that ended was with a person who I expect is a multiple. It is likely that her parents are part of the cult that I had to deal with before I was three.
That is not why I had to end the relationship. That I could handle and might be of some help. In a way she was looking for someone to do the work for her not support her while she did the work and she wanted no part of supporting me.
Part of this is I am dealing with memories that are from what the witchcraft cult I had to deal with called crypt night. It was sometime around this year and was tied into Halloween.
I am also dealing with another ceremony that I just now know how I ended up there. We do not seem that worried about it so I expect it was another fake death ceremony. Yep just came to me. It was the sister of one of my classmates. Now we know that we can put in on the document called Ravel for later and hopefully never.
I too have recently ended a friendship and it has left a hole in my life. Much like the earlier posts, I was moving forward while my friend continued to live in the chaos and drama. We met in a recovery type setting and became fast friends, having similar sense of dark and irrevent humor, love of reading and sharing books, having coffee together etc…She was there for me through some tough times and I was there for her, until one day she flipped and cussed me and called me terrible names for not returning her phonecall. I decided at that point, friends don’t talk to friends like that or put expectations like that on the other. I knew for awhile her negative behavior had influenced mine from time to time. It has been 3 weeks and I have to hold my ground, because my M.O. is to apologize even if it’s not my fault. The fear of someone leaving used to be far greater to me than surrounding myself with healthy and safe people. I miss the good times. I miss laughing with her and even crying. The part I don’t miss is her drama and her need to be a victim. I’m taking this opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people, as difficult as that can be for me at times.
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