Today is just a venting blog. I have been struggling with what the point to my life is. This year has been such a difficult one. I have worked much harder in just about every area of my life with fewer dividends than I have experienced in the past.
As an example, at my part-time job, I am on pace to earn 1/3 of what I made last year despite working much harder. I am juggling two part-time jobs this year versus one job last year. Both have required an enormous amount of investment toward future work – at minimum wage at one job and with no pay at the other. (Both are flexible, part-time teaching jobs – Preparing for a new class is a lot of work and either not compensated or minimally compensated.) I am worn out from investing without benefit. I keep hoping that the investment of time and work will have a payoff, but I am feeling skeptical at the moment.
Then there is parenting my child. He has a string of special needs, including asthma, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, dysgraphia, and across-the-board learning disabilities. Included in the long string of diagnoses is an inability, even at age 10, to connect cause and effect. That means that I can consistently impose a consequence for the same behavior for years with no effect on future behavior. It took me nine years to find any system to redirect his behavior, but even that is only somewhat effective.
I feel like I pour so much energy into other people with so little payoff. I am not saying I don’t love my kid – I do. It’s just hard when most of my friends’ children are reading the Harry Potter series with no effort from the parents and my kid, who I have invested tons of energy into helping be successful, won’t pick up a book and, if he must, is reading books for second graders. When after years of pouring and pouring my energy into trying to help my kid with all of his special needs yields so few results, it’s hard not to throw up my hands and simply give up.
I have already written about the marital stuff, although that is improving. For years, I poured and poured energy into trying to pull hub out of his depression, all to no avail. It was only when I popped off and said I was done trying that hub started pulling himself out.
Then there is friendship. I invested so much into a nine-year friendship, and now she treats both my son and me as if we are invisible. I was a faithful and loyal friend, and the end result is that she is gone, and I feel stupid for ever trusting her.
I feel like I am getting slammed on all sides, which is doubly hard as we move into the holiday season, which is always a difficult time of year for me. I know that I need to focus on the process, not the outcome, but it is so frustrating that I work soooo hard with so little payoff. It is hard not to despair and just stop trying. If putting this much energy into everything in my life results in so little, why bother?
Photo credit: Hekatekris