I had an interesting “vision” (for lack of a better word) last night. The first half is safe for all readers. I have included religious triggers for the second half of the blog entry.
As I have shared before, the holidays are tough for me from Halloween through New Year’s Day. I still don’t know why. I feel tense as bedtime approaches, have trouble staying asleep, wrestle with nightmares, and then feel exhausted the next day. Last night, I was praying about all of this, especially for relief from the pressure and emotional pain. Here is what I “saw”…
I was walking in the parking lot of my church toward the church building. I “zoomed out” so I could see myself from the outside, and I was this buff warrior woman, like an Amazon. (Trust me – Nobody would describe me physically like this!!) I had bulging, strong muscles, and I was tall. I was a powerful warrior.
Then, I looked in a full-length mirror and saw a skinny, scared little girl. She was wearing a thin, cotton nightdress holding a teddy bear in one hand, and she looked terrified. She was the complete opposite of the powerful warrior looking in the mirror.
That imagery was powerful for me. I have grown into a powerful warrior, but I still see myself as a scared little girl, which means that I ACT like a scared little girl rather than a powerful warrior when I feel threatened. I was able to see the irony of a huge, powerful warrior hiding in a corner when the “threat” could be easily overpowered. I am no longer the helpless little girl I see in the mirror. I need to see the warrior when I look in the mirror.
***** religious triggers *****
So, then I prayed about how to stop seeing myself as a helpless little girl and start seeing the truth. I immediately remembered what we have been learning in our Beth Moore Bible Study, Believing God:
- God is who He says He is.
- God can do what He says He can do.
- I am who God says I am.
- I can do all things through Christ.
- God’s word is alive and active in me
In our last lesson, we focused on #3, which is the hardest one for me – believing that I am who God says I am, not who my abusers said I am. Beth Moore recommended memorizing the following things that the Bible says about God’s children: they are forgiven, accepted, blessed, chosen, adopted, and redeemed, all because they are loved. It is going to take me a while to get there, but at least know where to focus my energy. That vision is a powerful way to do this.
Blooming Lotus 
you are so so strong! I dont know how you do it but I’m glad you recognise it 🙂
Take care, Alice x
Wow- powerful night! Love this entry- its so full of hope, love and peace!
Within this realm we need the warrior and we need the child, but importantly we need the Love that is part of the two within the Self. I believe myself that these two elements of our being need healing, however it is the child that often needs the most healing, especially in situations as our own (don’t forget it’s the ‘true’ warrior in us that got us through the child pain in the first place, its always been there). And that’s what you’ve been doing, healing your child and your warrior side is very much alive asking your child to learn from her and not for your warrior to be influenced by your pained child. I see your child is hearing :)). There is light, there is love within us that can never be extinguished, never!! It can hide and be scared but it can never be taken from us and by healing we can see the light/love be strong within once again. Achieving and healing through these difficult times as you (we all are) doing, it is our true warrior who helps profoundly. I’m sure your warrior side is formidable with courage and love (as we all are here). My definition of a true warrior, by the way, is the one who holds equal amounts of strength, courage and love with integrity as the core belief within. Thats is how I treat people yes, but more importantly I treat myself this way, my warrior and my child I support with care and love. Take Care all, peace and support yourself within
you and your blog are amazing, im awarding you the versatile blogger award 🙂
info at http://whatshappenedtoalice.blogspot.com/2011/11/blog-awards.html
thank you for writing!
Alice x
I hope that your mantra from your study group brings you great strength and comfort. You will always be that warrior, it is the reason you survived 🙂
For me years ago when I understood not everyone was multiple and went to the land at a point not in time we sent away the Knights it was one of the first things we did along with telling the guards who pretty much held all rules made by others to knock it off.
The Knights had to go away as they fought others battles. They were strong, fierce and effective. Just not for us. They are still away which we just realized.
The warrior concept does not immediately resonate with me. We do know we need to learn from those that are from when we were younger and those of us that are from older really need to more get out of the way rather than teach. In a real way those that are from younger already know what those that are older know.
In one of the gnostic gospels the last judgement of God is mentioned
His last judgement for humanity is said to be:
“I love you, you are perfect as you are, I love you and accept you and want you to be happy”.
Reblogged this on Joyce Glass: Living a Revival Life and commented:
For the women and men that may still be struggling with healing from a painful past. God Loves You and desperately wants you to know.