I was attending a sleepover at a school/church function (places where I felt safe as a child). I was tired and went to sleep early. The beds for the sleepover were lined up against the wall like you see in an orphanage or boarding school. Other people were still coming and milling about while I slept. I could never really drop off.
My body was “out,” but my mind was aware as my ex-friend took the bed next to me. My mind was on full alert even while my body slept. (This was my norm as a child.) She moved my body around to make sure I was really asleep.
Then, my dream went into flashback mode. I felt her pulling the covers off my body, just as when I was a child, and I felt the weight of her body climbing onto mine. This wasn’t a nightmare – this was a full-fledged reliving of every detail of experiencing it.
As a child, I would dissociate, leaving my body for the ceiling while my abuser did whatever he or she wanted with my body. In my dream, however, I fought back. I couldn’t move anything other than my head because of the weight, but I bit her right on the nose and kept biting with everything I had in me. I woke up with my heart racing.
In real life, my body was extremely exhausted, so I dropped back off to sleep and re-entered the dream. I was packing up my stuff and leaving the sleepover. I told the leaders that my ex-friend had attacked me, but they seemed oblivious/unconcerned. I went home.
Then, I and my sister were forced to have a play date with the ex-friend. Her mother kept trying to patch things over, and I had to pretend like everything was OK, even though it wasn’t. I knew I couldn’t let my guard down for a second, but I had to pretend that everything was normal.
I had this nightmare on the day after Thanksgiving, and I have already written about the nightmare from Thanksgiving night. If I am going to have nightmares every night until Christmas, it’s going to be a long holiday season.
Photo credit: Hekatekris