My sister and nephews are coming into town today, and they will be here for week. That is one reason that I will be blogging sporadically. This is the only time of year they visit, so my son and I want to spend lots of time with them.
Before I can blow off everything else that needs to be done at home, I have had to work extra hard to get it finished before they arrive. This includes paying bills, cleaning the house, and doing the myriad other things that need to be done in any household. Basically, my situation isn’t much different than what is going on in thousands, or even millions, of households across the country as Christmas approaches.
My son’s Winter Break started yesterday, so I involved him in the housecleaning. I paid him to clean the house with me for two hours, and we worked very hard. After we finished sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, etc., we both dropped into my bed exhausted. I fell asleep while we were watching a TV show, and I slept like the dead.
I think I have been running on adrenaline for several weeks now. I got through a day that is typically difficult for me without any problems. In fact, I had a very pleasant day, which is unusual for me. I think I am reaping the benefits of “being with” the pain of the last cluster of memories. I am usually feeling hostile toward Christmas by now. Instead, I am at peace with it. I am not giddy and “into” Christmas, but the hostility is gone.
Back to yesterday … My son woke me after an hour, and my body didn’t want to cooperate as I cooked dinner. I felt like I was walking through water. Every movement was physically difficult to do.
I laid down in my bed at 8:00 p.m. to watch TV. My son came in my room at 8:20 to be tucked in, and he asked me to go downstairs to get him some water. I simply could not move. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to get up – I couldn’t get up. My son thought it was a game and tried to “force” me up by pulling off the covers, taking my pillows, etc. I actually fell asleep in an uncomfortable position. I could hear him calling the dogs to his room, etc., but my body would not move. It’s like I was trapped in a comatose body. I was aware of my body’s deep breathing, but I couldn’t move.
I eventually forced myself to get up (after about 30 minutes) to blow out the candle and turn off the light. I slept for four hours, got up to use the bathroom, and then slept for another solid six hours, all with no medications to help me sleep. I have still felt trapped in that “walking in water” state today and feel like I could sleep all day. (I have two ADHD children running around the house – my son and his friend – so napping is not an option.)
I think my body is trying to recuperate from so many nights of insomnia. I also think I was getting by on adrenaline, and now that it has stopped, I am left with an exhausted body. Let’s just say I am actually feeling my age!
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt