Yesterday, I blogged about a memory I just recovered. In that blog entry, I just wrote about the memory itself. I wrote that in the morning. I am writing this in the afternoon as the emotions are starting to wash over me.
I remember this process from when I was recovering memories on a regular basis. When I was ready to release a memory through flashbacks, I would get a bad headache and experience anxiety as I relived the experience. Afterward, I would calm myself down and accept the truth of whatever the flashback revealed. This almost always happened at night.
The next morning, I would awaken with the flashback being stored as any other memory, so what was hidden from me only a day before was now accessible just like any other memory. In the morning, I would think about the flashback logically – OK, that it explains why ___ always triggered me, why I did X, Y, or Z, etc. I would think that I am OK – that it is so much better to remember than repress it. In fact, releasing a new memory gives me a lot of energy, like finally putting my arms down after holding them up for too long.
If this is where the process ended, I think healing from child abuse would not be that bad. Sadly, that’s not where it ends. Later in the afternoon, as is happening as I write this, all of the emotions that I “froze” along with the memory of the event get “unfrozen” and wash over me – the shame, guilt, sadness, despair, and all of the other painful emotions that I was unable to process when the event happened.
My emotions were interesting as I processed the memory last night. I had previously recovered a memory of seeing my sister “killed,” which I blogged about here, here, and here. The emotion I felt most strongly as I relived that memory was despair. I wanted to die because my reason for living – my sister – was dead (I believed).
I did not feel despair or suicidal with this flashback, which is unexpected. Instead, I felt immobilized. I had already been through believing my sister had been killed (after “witnessing” her “murder”) and then the shock of processing that she was alive the next morning. So, I was uncertain how to react this time. I knew I was seeing her dead body a second time but did not know what to believe, so I just shut down.
Whenever I think about a Christmas tree, I see myself immobilized in front of it. I see my limp body unable to move. I think that captures how I felt as I saw my sister’s “dead” body being carried toward me.
My head is really hurting. I’ll write more as I process more. This is a hard one.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I am hoping you have some strong support as you go through this, Faith.
I understand and parallel your process in many ways. The kickback of the wash over later is so hard. I also find fascination in the memory/flashback process and at the same time like a delayed reaction experience the emotions in real time and it is scary. As scary as the flashback.
Maybe it is the upcoming season or maybe it is where you are in your therapy, where I am in my therapy. The memories continue to shock me and send me into depression.
Your ability to find words is a huge marker of your strength. Keep doing it, and whatever else you need to to stay safe.
I am holding you in my thoughts
Faith,
Good Effort!
I debated writing about this and then went with it is insulting and in a way scapegoating to assume that because you were abused you can not handle certain information. It is about the image you chose for this post and may not be relevant.
Some cults see a place with a tree that has three parts, rocks as altars either built of natural as “sacred” whatever sacred means in their twisted minds. The full moon shinning on to the altar is part of it. I so not know if the moon shines through on both solstices of there are different places or it does shine through on one solstice and not the other as I have had to deal with three separate cults and at least three different “sacred” places.
What is important is the cults are not spiritual in anyway that is meaningful to me. Actually I do not think any group are spiritual in any way that is meaningful to me. For me it is about the spirit of the person which is meaningful.
I find it interesting that I remember which ceremonies were cloudy and there was no moon visible.
My body when processing memories works differently and I treat it differently. The world does not allow for this difference so ignore the world as much as I can.
Spot on, Michael…tree at three way crossroads a very major and principal site of the cults RA in my case. It is still used. Been extensively researched. Very interesting you chose this image Faith, was it subconscious or on purpose.
Thanks Ax,
I have stayed away from research and I am not sure why it is usually what I do. I thought it was that I did not want my memories confused wondering was I exposed to that?
It is deeper than that. My dragon says that is not what is important, that we know what we need to know. I did not become a dragon I was born a dragon.
I still have work to do on the crossroads thing.
I stay away from dogma in general and when I do not it seems to always cause me trouble.
Part of it just came to me from what you wrote. Two of us read at the same time and one “edited” the three way cross roads. “that can not be right a cross roads is two roads.”
One cult “sacred” place I know of is in the middle of a triangle of roads with a three way cross road on one of the points. I started to draw it years ago and balked. Not that it was to much for me just there were other things that we needed to work on.
By not paying attention to what they professed to believing I am able to see how base and ugly they really are and that they are at their base cowards.
Michael,
I veer between trying to ignore/forget their ‘belief system’ and codes etc and finding it validating when I do find this talked about in esoteric forums as it confirms my memories. I try not to get lost in research, definitely, but sometimes it helps to confirm things that seemed very odd to me, for example there is research that particular military structures are used for particular RA ceremonies by some psychiatrists in England which led to recovery of memories for me so was helpful. I’d dismissed them beforehand.
Take care
Hi, A x.
It was subconscious. I am a good writer, but images are not my thing. A couple of talented photographers have given me permission to use their photos on my blog, and I blunder through including photos that align with the topics. Frequently, I am just drawn to one without knowing why, as happened in this case. Interesting about the tree.
– Faith
Ax,
I do what seems to be a similar thing. I read somewhere about MKULTRA camps. I had a week of trauma at a camp. I do not think it was funded by MKULTRA as it was pretty shoddy which usually means underfunded. . Likely some had had some part in the program and were tying to keep it going.
It does help the intellectual brain to have some context although it can be to limiting. I was involved with a program that was run in the pubic school system. I have yet to find anything to corroborated this. I know it to be true.
The connection between the cults and the universities is a hard one to make.The connection is this is how all secret organizational work. They co-opt everyone. I was abused by the wife of a bank robber.
The news does help a lot. Most recently Sirhan Sirhan is requesting a new trial saying he is not the killer and was brainwashed. Thing is people give the secret organizations to much credit. Knowing them as I do the real killer was likely a back up person that was brainwashed. Same with the former CIA informer Oswald. Kennedy screwed up the casinos the Mafia had in Cuba. Everyone knows that Joe who had a lobotomy done on his daughter for being independent and then convinced the world the woman was mentally retarded was a criminal that ran liquor.
It is just humans run a muck. There is not real order to it all. I look at it like this. It is possible that Obama is the only politician in Illinois who was never touched by corruption and that his chief of staff now the mayor of Chicago is clean. I find it as likely as Clinton being the only sax player never to get high.
I get information and corroboration from sources I do not get what little understanding is possible from them.
Faith,
Real or not I feel a connection between you, Ax and I that is in part from the images you choose.
I should have written this connection is not an exclusion of any other connections other than the limits of time.
Michael
My highly organised abuse which i think was a spin off from MK Ultra revolved around schools, theatre/ entertainment industry and hospitals. Nazi links.
Alice in Wonderland a bit program but other shows too.
There is a lot of wacky conspiracy theory stuff out there when you read about MK Ultra etc and similar programs in the UK, some of it I object to because it points to Christianity as the only answer and some of it is very right wing. Anyway, we are intelligent enough to filter out what is not useful as adults, at least I hope so.
I agree there’s a connection in the types of abuse we suffered, though both you and Faith are much further along the road of remembering and being able to process than me.
Take care
“Alice in Wonderland” ties into the abuse? I have ALWAYS been triggered by that movie. As a kid, my kindergarten class went to see a special showing of it in the theater. I almost threw up at the scene where the cute baby oysters were led to their death and then eaten in the next scene. I refused ever to see the movie again.
– Faith
It can function as a blatant script for ritual abuse. It is full of satanic/ occult and mind control symbolism. It was used directly in my hypnosis and rapes.
Hugs and more hugs Faith.
Those headaches, I get them too. They always go away after I release the emotions. Nothing else will take them away. That is how I know it is a memory headache.
Praying for you as you process through this nightmare. My heart is going out to you. You are not alone!
My wife and I say often in various ways. A fragmented part of the soul ‘returns’ usually with the remembering of abuse that occurred pertaining to this ‘fragmented’ part of the soul. All that was experienced during the suffering is re-known (understatement 🙂 ) as that part ‘returns’. Remembering the suffering, release the pain, let go , the fragmented part will be raw, cautious (even fearful) but free, ready to BE again, ready to be loved and supported within and within. If a fragment is returning then , bit by bit, we begin to know thyself.
For love, understanding and community my mini story is as follows (much more than this, as I’m sure ya own stories have great depth also).
I am a child sex victim but no where near the level of some here ( I still have more memories to recall yet). My wife also suffered this but she suffered greatly as most have here. Years of sect sex abuse all while living with a disablity that had her in a wheelchair by 14ish (unable to walk and can not use hands or fingers) and up until then from 3 years her disability grew in its severity. I met her at 30ish and we have been together for 11years, her and I started helping her with her pains about 5 years ago. Her story is horrible but she also is a warrior, a true warrior and her achievements have also been great, like so many here.
Take Care, peace within
Good work Faith, and I’m sorry you have to go through this. I like the way you explain recovering a memory – why it’s good and also how it works. I get the headaches also. take care
Still here. Still listening. Still sending strength your way.
Much love and blessings,
mia
Despair is my never ending gloom of darkness toward all my tomorrows, with the feelings I have few redeeming attributes, coupled with a soul destroying belief in the improbability of redemption through human connection or a higher power. Created is an all consuming feeling of isolation and shame that has crippled my ability to hope but developed a strong capacity to cope, ignore, deny and distort. It is a life shattered or never really started with time not on my side. Barely have I grasped slivers of joy but some how I survived. Is it that I have in my little hands creativity in one and a big heart in the other?
OMG. You nailed it.