The night that I recovered the first part of my most recently recovered traumatic memory, I got very little sleep. I tossed and turned for hours. The night I recovered the second part, I took Xanax to knock myself out by 10:00 p.m., and I was awake at 3:00 a.m. with such a bad headache that I couldn’t go back to sleep.
The evening after night #2, my husband asked why I was yelling at our son in the middle of the night. I told my husband that I hadn’t been. A friend had called in distress at my son’s bedtime, and my son had asked to watch a football game past his bedtime in return for going to bed without any trouble at a particular time. I agreed so I could focus on my friend, and my son had kept his word. There had been no drama at all between my son and me that night – none.
My son overheard the question and said, “Yeah, you woke me up, too. You were yelling really loudly. I thought you were mad at Dad.” Both told me that they were asleep and were awakened by me yelling very loudly.
Here’s the freakiest part – there is no way they could have heard me yelling from my room. Even if I had been screaming at the very top of my lungs in my bed, neither of them would have heard me, certainly not enough to awaken them from sleep in the middle of the night, especially since all of us sleep with our doors closed, and I also have a white noise machine going in my room, which drowns out sound.
The upstairs of our house is laid out in a U shape. My bedroom (I have my own bedroom) is at 2:00, and my son’s bedroom is at 4:00. Closets separate the two, so I cannot hear any noise from him unless I hear thumping when he throws something against the wall. He is a loud child, and I cannot hear him call for me through the walls.
My husband’s room is at 10:00, and we have the master bath separating us that goes over the stairs. Also, our headboards are both adjacent to the outside wall on opposite ends.
For me to have yelled loudly enough to wake the house, I had to get out of my bed, stand in the hallway of the U, and do my yelling there. (1) What was I yelling? (Neither of them knew. Each thought I was yelling at the other and went back to sleep without inquiring.) (2) At whom was I yelling? (I assume my abusers.) (3) What else did I do/where did I go other than the hallway to yell?
It’s not like I haven’t lost time before, but I thought that ended after integrating my host personality into my core. That, more than anything else, has driven home what serious healing work I am doing right now. I have had a constant headache for days. Yeah, I’m a little freaked out right now.
*** Edited to add: After I wrote this, my son told me he went into my room to check on me, and I was yelling in my sleep. So, this might have been a nightmare rather than losing time.***
Photo credit: Hekatekris