Archive for December 9th, 2011

In a Weird Place Today

PhotobucketI am in a weird place today. I am not even sure how to describe it. I am worn out from processing my most heinous memory yet, which I wrote about here, here, and here.

I haven’t had a whole lot of room to process all of this. This is such a busy time of year with trying to get everything ready for Christmas and squeezing in everything that needs to be done before my kid is off from school for two weeks. I haven’t had a lot of time alone in my house. I have had repairmen and other workmen in and out for the past couple of weeks. I have had friends come over for favors and have been on conference calls for various reasons. There hasn’t been much room in my life for me, and I don’t see that changing until after the holidays are over.

The adult me is ready to check this new information off my list and move on. OK, now I get why I hate Christmas so much. It makes perfect sense. Moving on… The adult me also gets how much of a mind f#$% it all was – that I didn’t kill anyone, that I wasn’t actually buried, that there is no Santa, etc. In so many ways, the adult me just wants to put this all behind me.

Then, there is the child me – the part of me that was horror-stricken from being forced to kill the person I loved most in the world and then locked in a box with what I believed was a dead body. Yeah, that’s a lot for a little kid to take in. I was in the age range of six to eight, which is younger than my kid is now. I have no idea how a little kid processes that kind of terror.

I have a friend who wants to be supportive and sends me messages that she is here to talk it through, but I don’t really have anything to talk about. It happened. It sucks. I feel sad. Moving on…

I finally had some alone time on Thursday. I had Bible Study in the morning but nothing else after that. I have been tutoring on Thursday afternoons, but I had a break this week to do whatever I wanted. Yes, I have a million things I **could** be doing, but that was probably going to be my last day until after the holidays of having “me” time for the entire day.

I asked myself what I **wanted** to do, which isn’t a question I ask myself very often. I wanted to play the piano, which I did for a while. Then, I was just so tired that I thought I would take a cat nap. I woke up 2.5 hours later! I have been sleeping lately (thankfully, the insomnia seems to be over), but I don’t think I have been **resting** when I sleep. My body really needed the rest.

I feel sad and lost but not suicidal. I just want the holidays to be over.

Photo credit: Faith Allen

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