I had a restful holiday season and am ready to dive back into blogging again! I hope that you had a restful holiday season as well. Sadly, I know how hard the holidays can be for child abuse survivors, so my guess is that many of you are happy for the holiday season to come to an end.
Over the break, I had a massage. My muscles were much less tense than they usually are. I had an epiphany on the massage table that I have decided to turn into my New Year’s Resolution – This year, my resolution is to let go.
I want to let go of so many things … relationships (both professional and personal) that are no longer working for me … difficult emotions (don’t stuff them down – just let them go and sit with the process until they are gone) … the need to be in control. I have spent so much of my life towing along so much baggage. I am ready to let that baggage go.
One struggle I have always had is wanting to know what to DO without letting go of the many things that I am already doing. I always think that if I do X, Y, or Z, that is going to be the answer. I am all about reading self-help books that provide THE answer. If only I had known to DO X, Y, or Z, everything would have been fine. So, I put my energy into doing X, Y, or Z, but I just wind up even more weighted down.
Yes, “weighted down” is a good way to describe how I have been feeling. I usually use a marathon as a metaphor for healing, but this feels more like a long-distance swim. I keep pulling more and more baggage, and it is weighing me down. I am ready to cut the ties that bind me to this baggage and experience how well I can swim when I am not dragging such a heavy load behind me.
I have spent most of my life doing things I don’t want to do and investing in relationships I don’t want to invest in because I believe it is expected of me. I want to let go of those outside influences and explore who and what **I** want to be.
Photo credit: Hekatekris