In my last blog entry, I answered the question of how a person can “let go” of a traumatic memory that he or she does not remember. I said that you can’t. “Letting go” of a traumatizing memory before processing it is simply denial. The trauma will continue to plague you until you process it. I then shared me experience with healing from mother-daughter sexual abuse – I didn’t have to remember every abusive experience to heal.
Now I would like to focus on healing from the ritual abuse. I recovered my first inkling of there being any ritual abuse with a flash of my soul/spirit being high in the treetops looking down at a bonfire (out-of-body-type memory). Since that first flash, I have recovered quite a few horrific trauma memories of the ritual abuse.
I believe I have needed to process more specific ritual abuse memories than I did of mother-daughter sexual abuse because the ritual abuse memories had significant differences that I needed to heal. With the mother-daughter sexual abuse, it was mostly the same thing over and over again, so I only needed to remember a handful of memories to heal. However, the ritual abuse varied, traumatizing me in different ways. I have had to process specific traumas that are different from one another, at least different enough that I need to work through them one at a time versus in a blanket way.
I started working through the healing process (having flashbacks, seeing a therapist, reading self-help books, etc.) in 2003, and I started working through the ritual abuse traumas in 2005. Even though I did a lot of trauma work and experienced a significant amount of healing, I was still extremely triggered by Christmas because of the memories I just worked through this past Christmas, which I blogged about here:
- My Story – Forced to “Kill” My Sister
- My Story – Buried Alive with Sister’s “Corpse”
- Recovered Next Part of Memory – Connection to Christmas
I could not “piggy-back” that trauma with the other ritual abuse memories despite the fact that I have done an enormous amount of work processing traumas from ritual abuse. I had to remember what happened before I could “let it go.”
I haven’t yet shared what an amazing transformation has taken place inside of me from letting go. For the first time ever, I decided not to “do” anything with those memories. Other that writing about them on the blog, I did not analyze them. I did not sit around thinking about them. I didn’t do exercises to work through my emotions. Instead, I chose to “be” with whatever I felt without judgment or action.
For about three weeks, I was probably clinically depressed. I withdrew from everyone in my life to the extent I could. I didn’t return phone calls or get together with friends. I just went about my day feeling sad. I tried to visualize allowing the pain to pour out of me with nothing to interfere with the process – no distractions, no advice, no trying to make it better, etc.
After about three weeks, I miraculously felt better – I mean really, really better. I found myself sometimes singing Christmas carols and appreciating the beauty of Christmas lights at night. I stopped feeling the urge to wear my “Bah Humbug” shirts. By remembering what happened and “letting go” of the emotions, I found freedom from the emotional bondage.
More tomorrow…
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I am with you kinda.
I think and feel that saying a person is always in denial when they do not process trauma is unhelpful and not credible. I think it is not unlike “It will not hurt you.” You are not hurt.” You like it.” ect. Often it seems as scapegoating/blame turned into self blame.
I was ready to process the moment after my birth and have been ready ever sense. I needed to find a way to do so.
I did not choose to have memories that were no stored in my consciousnesses it was involuntary. When the memories would start come into my consciousnesses and I avoided it I was not avoiding healing my body was telling me this is not good. It has not been good before therefore it will not be good now.
It was not until processing the memories was good for my body that I started to take steps consciously to process the memories. A hard dynamic as one memory processed lead to another to be processed which for me was pretty much constant for 7 years. In a real way doing better so I could do worse.
I see what would be called depression as part of the process and the goal should not be to interrupt this process. Using you as an example you did not interrupt the process and now you are doing better. Had you spent you energy not experiencing the “depression” the process would have been interpreted.
This work exhausts me and often that is seen as a symptom when it is really part of the process. I need to be in some state of exhaustion to get to some of the memories. Often this was seen as “depression”
Abstractly depression is not being sad at all. The crying of depression is not crying for no reason rather for reasons that are not yet known to all consciousnesses.
I know more and more about my process now. It is now connected. I did not choose to have it not connected my environment did not allow it to be connected when my brain was developing as a child. In a real way I did not need it to be connected in my environment.
Part of my process is to get what some see as a cold or flue symptoms. It is part of the process and is my brain changing.
I would submit that you can now let go as you already had analyzed them, sat around thinking about them and exercises to work through my emotions. (That being said I do think it gets easier with practice and discovery.) It is not part of the process that can be skipped.
So happy for you Faith. Thanks for sharing so many experiences. Gives us all more courage to try new stuff.
Peace,
m
It thrills me that you are winning back yourself, Faith. Good can overcome evil, and you are living proof. Thank you for sharing and for continuing to “fight the good fight.”
[…] « Processing Trauma Memories Before “Letting Go” Why Do Some Child Abuse Survivors Fare Better than Others? […]