This week, I have been talking about the need to remember enough of the trauma to “let go.” I have also been sharing some personal examples of how this process has worked for me. You can catch up here and here.
I don’t want anyone to think that there is something “wrong” with them if they don’t experience the same results that I did in “letting go” of my most traumatizing memory in about three weeks’ time. Healing is not a race or a competition.
I don’t think it is possible to “let go” of trauma in three weeks without a significant amount of practice and experience in working through trauma. When I first started on my healing journey, I recovered memories of the mother-daughter sexual abuse. My “breakthrough crisis” lasted for six weeks – every single minute of six weeks. I then got a four-hour reprieve where I realized there was actually life after this horrifying experience. When the four hours ended, I was right back where I was before – drowning in emotional pain – but this time I had the **hope** of a future that was not consumed by pain.
My therapist assured me that the healing process would move me toward shorter difficult periods (from six weeks to hours or days) and that the easier periods would grow longer (from four hours to weeks or even months!). Of course, I had a hard time believing this in the moment, but it gave me hope.
Healing from child abuse is a process of remembering what happened and finding a way to accept it as part of who you are. The way you get from A to B is going to vary from person to person. For me, yoga and meditation were a huge part of this process. For Michael, yoga is just about the last thing he would do, but art has been very helpful. Art is not my thing (unless you classify writing as “art”), so many of the tools he shares are not tools that I have used. However, we are both moving from A to B one trauma at a time.
The more experience I have in healing from trauma, the better prepared I am to navigate through new memories. My new memories seem to be surfacing about once every six months now, and I am growing more confident in my ability to work through them. If I could just “let it go” without having to remember, I would. That hasn’t been my experience. I need remember enough to heal, and I cannot “let go” until I remember and process.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
“Letting go.” I tell ya, Faith – it was the darnedest thing – letting go of that childhood shame – or at least the majority of it. It happened during my trip to Puerto Rico this last July. I had been (unknowingly) given some (apparently) psychotropic drug by my friend – an ex-Army Intelligence agent who had been run by the CIA. (And no, I’m not kidding nor making this up). He was both highly abusive (mentally, emotionally – and physically, if you count confining me and starving me down by about 35 pounds) – and … well, a teacher, a trainer, and a handler at the same time. He holds a psychology degree; we had a bit of a disagreement – psychological war was won (and lost) at the same time – he ‘lost’ and I ‘won’ in that I came back “fixed” and he didn’t – and he had the death of his momma to contend with. (Long story, and he blames – or at least blamed at the time – me for that; cursing him and whatall.)
But during this ‘process’ I ‘died’ not just once but several times – “disassembling” so completely that I ‘lost’ everything, down to human language. It was … odd. And exhilarating. And really ‘opened’ my mind. (soft smile). Not a recommended piece of therapy (I was losing my mind) – but it did the trick. While ‘reassembling’ I managed to ‘throw away’ that bit of shame – holding it up for view and saying: “I no longer need this thing” – and recognizing what was done to me as a small child – his drives and realizations, HIS motivations for “doing this thing” (begging for the abuse – or sex – sometimes). I haven’t gotten ‘done’ or through the grief – but the shame? It is gone. Almost 90% if not completely. I finally managed to remove that yoke of shame my child abuser placed upon me and place it firmly back on his own shoulders, where it belongs.
And as for ‘anger’ – well, there’s forgiveness, and that came through understanding why they had done what they had done – their own search for human happiness, their own mistakes and pasts, their faults – which are only human, when you consider it all. And I am a human being as well, which makes things a little bit easier – and easier still because I am a DID being, and am able to ‘experience’ altered states, ‘know’ some other perceptions, understand how they feel – sometimes. I won’t say it’s perfect, nor that it’s for everyone – but that’s the way it is, at least for me. After all, I decided a long time ago – I can’t be happy if I’m mad, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let the human race continue to make me mad. There’s too many of them. But me? I can change me to fit them. After all – I always did. But changes in ways that leave ME feeling good and happy – all the time. That’s what I’m aiming for. That and to do some good.
Until later – see ya – and keep the Faith! (lol, enjoying the pun!)
Sincerely,
Jeff, et all, & Friends
Every Soul has their own way. Free will, proper free will, allows me to know that my way may not be your way. Mediatation may not be good for someone but working under a car gives peace and a calmness at times to be at peace and in healthy thought that will (sooner or later) produce non linear understandings and healings.
I think every one has their own ‘better’ ways of expressing individually and thus, their own ways of knowing the soul.
Knowing yourself, bit by bit, an individual will find the way that works for them. I love to write, I need to train in martial arts for all of eternity (I’m very thnankful for what the martial arts has helped me with), I like to draw, even studying a subject that rings strong in one’s thoughts and emotions will help. I’ve studied philosophies, religous, spiritual, physical and mental. I’ve used travelling as help and entertainment, I like to play the flute. These work for me.
I believe that as a person knows themself then the ‘ways’ the Soul wishes to express will become, without a doubt, bit by bit.
I’ll finish with a quote from Faith’s words above which I think is very important for many people to remember.
Quote- I don’t think it is possible to “let go” of trauma in three weeks without a significant amount of practice and experience in working through trauma.
I think it is very important for many people to remember this and to support one’s self in love and ‘knowing’ with these truths..
I dont think any one can let go fully… but i feel we can loosen up the reins than before..
@ faith allen, i have read all your posts.. you always put up a post with something i have been thinking about.. almost feels like your reading my mind lol! lately i have discovered the identity of my abuser when i was 5 years old.. i always thought he was imaginary but when i finally told my dad and asked him about a man with a specific description.. he said his name.. that was it .. it triggered everything to the finer details of what i was wearing that day.. for more than two weeks i have been struggling with this.. wouldnt talk to my friends or family, i look exhausted can’t sleep.. reading your posts and talking to my therapist i realised that going through this dip will allow me to accept that i was actually abused and that he wasnt a made up monster but a real one that lurked in my mind for last 26 years of my life.. i can loosen up reins and finally breathe….
again i thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us.. you are an inspiration to me i get strength knowing there are others who think the same way…
god bless you.
Hey Faith,
I wanted to clear up something. It is not about art. I do create art and I like it, it is the result of healing not part of my process.
What I do is expressive therapy which does not require any training in the arts of ability in the arts.
What I do is not art therapy where an facilitator suggests a project.
This is important to me as I would not want someone to miss the opportunity to experience expressive therapy as they thought they had to do art.
Hi, Michael.
Thanks for the clarification. :0)
Art is not something I enjoy, so it wouldn’t occur to me to do expressive therapy like you do. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences because it works very well for many child abuse survivors. I also don’t want them to miss out on this tool just because it is not a tool I use. :0)
~ Faith
By my definition of expressive therapy the images you choose are expressive therapy.