On my blog entry entitled Why Do Some Child Abuse Survivors Fare Better than Others?, a reader posted the following comment:
This does lead potentially to more interesting questions such as how do each of us measure our healing. I think for me freedom and joy would be key, as they were most stolen. ~ A x
I think that is a great question worth exploring together!
In the blog entry that spawned the comment, I was exploring (with no real answer) why some child abuse survivors fare better than others when they have endured similar trauma. As an example, my sister and I endured most of the same traumas. From the outside, I have “fared better” in several ways if you compare us from an external perspective (from an American point of view – I know that different cultures have different external measures). However, she definitely fared better than me in many important internal ways.
For example, I split into DID and lived most of my life from the perspective of a very innocent host personality. I disconnected so completely from many parts of myself – the core of who I am – because I could not accept the truth of having been raped by men. While I dissociated other parts, that particular piece of the trauma was so horrific to me that I rejected myself to avoid dealing with it.
Contrast this with my sister – She has always remembered everything but compartmentalized the memories so she could access them at will without having them ever-present as she went about her life. Externally, her life has been harder in several ways that I won’t go into here. Short version – her life had less external stability. That being said, she never rejected who she was as I did which kept her truer to herself than I ever was.
This very connectedness with her history directly led to many of the issues that caused chaos in her life. If you define “success” by stability, I was the more successful one. However, if you define “success” as staying connected to who you are (which, in my opinion, is a key to healing), she was much more “successful” than I was despite her outward chaos. So much of the healing process for me has involved dismantling the lies I built my identity around and discovering myself. My sister never needed to do any other this – she always knew who she was, but that connectedness led her through years of chaos. We have both suffered and struggled to move toward emotional health, but we have had to slay different demons.
More tomorrow…
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Possibly the stability protects the fragile you until you are able to come out. That coming out is intensely painful and difficult, and necessary to healing, but the dissociation is a self-protection, part of the healing process. My experience is not child abuse, but that is how my experience feels to me.
Well said, Faith.
The part where you mentioned: “Contrast this with my sister – She has always remembered everything but compartmentalized the memories so she could access them at will without having them ever-present as she went about her life.” reminded me of a definition I read once describing the process of EMDR.
It was something about there being an island where the monsters live and how, from time to time these monsters cross over into the mainland and vice-versa.
I couldn’t find that exact definition, however I did run across this creative board game from the site: emdrjourney.com:
The link: http://www.emdrjourney.com/thegame-EMDR.html
Anyway, this might be straying off the topic here a little bit, but I thought it was interesting to share.
As for myself, my two older sisters were able to confide in one another about the abuse that had happened in our house growing up, but because of the vast age difference, my reality was basically dismissed. Though my older sister (by 10 years) did mention to me once how she described me as being “raw” as a child….
I feel that you are correct in saying that “We have both suffered and struggled to move toward emotional health, but we have had to slay different demons.”
This is very true and well said.
I state that no abuse is similar enough to cause the same reaction. This is true even with in the context of the individual in that an event in the afternoon is effected by what happened in the individuals life in the morning and the night before etc.
I did notice at least the way I read it was you were seeing it as choice and decision rather than reaction. Much of PTSD is involuntary in my opinion.
I know a PHd who with some testing, three hours of interviews, your birth order and ethnicity and they have reached their level of there understanding.
I do not remember his name some Dr who is an expert in DID reached his level of understanding with the Rockefeller imposter in 45 min. He was so confident that he testified in a court of law. He said he will not do it again as the court is messed up. Meaning someone tore apart his level of understanding.
I know m\any people who reach their level of understanding before they meet anyone. It is just a matter of put anyone they meed in a pre-existing category and making a few adjustments.
i once had a man work for me who I called Claude the French F’n carpenter. Spoken with a french accent and Claude pronounced Clow. He was a dull sort and pretty much just hung and taped drywall. One day he told me he needed a day off as he was going to play the mandolin with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. I was stunned and observed him for a while and could not understand how I missed so much about him. I apologized and he said don’t worry about it I though you could only seem me as a dumb drywall er.
The more I know and understand the more I know how little I know and understand. Michael.
You can not tear down my understanding or knowledge as it is not so set in stone it can collapse. I It is fluid and malleable at the same time. My love on the other hand is unshakable. Actually that is not true. It just sounded good to me. Smile.
wow, your last two posts… thank you so much for sharing them…
i feel so stupid for never realizing this…
[…] Comments « Different Reactions to Similar Abuses […]
I haven’t quite figured out how to respond within someone else’s response. But Michael’s discussion about “understanding” resonated with me on two levels.
First, as this healing journey has lengthened I have met others working to heal from childhood abuse, some ritual abuse, some not, it has been striking to me that each story is different and each response is unique. When I catch myself saying, “I know what you mean…this happened to me.” lately I’ve been stopping myself and saying, “Actually, I may not know what you mean because you are unique…but I’d like to understand more.” My challenge is to, as much as possible, try to not listen autobiographically. That is, not try to place their experience and response in the context of my life. Not an easy endeavor and I don’t think I’ve done it perfectly even once, but in trying to listen without assumptions or projections I get a little deeper understanding of them and their story. And lately when someone says, “Oh I know what you mean…” and I know they don’t I sometimes say, “Actually, I don’t think you do. And I’m glad, because it means you didn’t experience such destruction.” I try to be gentle, but I find it untruthful to let someone think they understand when they don’t. I don’t do this always, only when I think someone is genuinely trying to connect.
Second, just in the realm of DID…every single individual seems to be absolutely unique, not just in the traumas that led to the dissociating, but in how the DID happens within them. At first, when I was just dealing realizing parts of me were acting when I wasn’t conscious of their actions …just coming to grips with being “multiple” I searched for what DID presented as. Partly I wanted to be able to say, “See…I don’t have DID.” but part of me felt shame at being called DID if I wasn’t, because I deeply respect every person who has suffered to the point of dissociating. Anyway, as I studied I r ealized, everyone one dissociates differently. And there is a continuum and… What i am saying is that, a diagnosis cannot be seen as a size…it doesn’t define or “fit” who we are, it is only a beginning point for understanding.
Back to the subject…I believe embracing how each person has handled abuse as what they had to do and not thinking of one response as stronger or better, but realizing all suffered, all need compassion and healing and all are heroes in my book for surviving helps me walk with others as they heal…often way differently than I do.
My…sooooo sorry for the long post.
Ruby
A couple of thoughts.
Peaple are all different and so it would be reasonable that different people react differently to the same thing. Even something that is seen as popular or a fad usually only engages the a small percentage of the population.
Perhaps abuse is not “absolute”. At the moment it is fashionable to label many things as abuse that in times past or in other cultures were just considered normal. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fellatio gives several examples that would now be considered abuse.
Some people blame themselves and continue to look inward. In fact it seems to me that much is made of dealing with having been abused rather than trying to encourage the person to actually move on. They can never un do the abuse but they can let go of the negative feelings associated with it and yet that does not seem to be the focus of therapy today.
I think there is a great difference between you and your sister, Faith. In another post you wrote, that when your sister was born you did feel intense love growing up inside your heart (I don’t remeber your words exactly). I believe that this love did protect your sister more than you believe.
My sister is three years younger and I also had intense feelings of loving her when she was born. A few years ago she told me, that as a little child knowing I was with her, she always felt like being protect by a big pink pillow – isn’t this a strong and protective imagination?
Every apparently similar situation is different, it never can be exactly the same.
linde