Believe it or not, this is my 1,100th blog entry. I wish I had something brilliant to discuss to mark this milestone, but as you know, I am just grateful to have the energy to blog at all. Other than the doctor’s appointment and shuttling my kid to school and back, and I have pretty much lived in my bed for a week.
I took my kid to his school’s book fair yesterday before my doctor’s appointment and ran into my ex-friend’s daughter. She had seen me the day before when I was running a fever and asked how I was doing. I said I was heading to the doctor for a sinus infection.
That prompted her to share all that has been going on in her family. Apparently, her grandmother (ex-friend’s mother) is having hip replacement surgery, but her mother (my ex-friend) can’t really help because she has already been in the hospital once and now might need to have surgery. I have no idea what the reason is for either and did not think it was my place to pry.
Keep in mind that this information came from an 11-year-old child with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and this child has given me misinformation before. I don’t think it was intentional, but she can be a bit of a drama queen. Back when my ex-friend and I were still friends, her daughter told me that my friend was going to have back surgery, which turned out not to be true. My ex-friend had been told that back surgery was an option for her issue, but she decided against it because of the long recovery time.
I went through these feelings when my mother/abuser was in the hospital, and now I am dealing with them with my ex-friend. As someone recovering from dissociative identity disorder (DID), experiencing conflicting emotions is a relatively new experience. I used to deal with conflicting emotions by separating them into two alter parts. Problem solved. That’s not an option if I want to face life from a “singleton” perspective. Life is filled with gray issues that elicit feelings of ambivalence.
The bottom line is that I cannot allow my feelings of compassion to dictate my choices. I chose to end both relationships for logical reasons, and those reasons have not changed just because both women have experienced medical issues.
My heart does go out to my ex-friend because she doesn’t have many people in her life to take care of her if she is dealing with serious medical issues, doubly so if her mother is also having surgery. However, there is also a reason why my ex-friend has so few people in her life to help her out, and that is not my responsibility. I cannot change the big decisions in my life just because I am needed. The reasons I chose to leave both relationships have not changed. I just wish breaking off relationships was easier.
Photo credit: Hekatekris