I am still batting this #$%^ sinus infection, so I don’t know if I am “back” yet, but I can’t stop crying and need some advice. I have posted the full story of what happened on my professional blog. The short version is that my 11-year-old son, who has a bunch of special needs, scrubbed the toilet with my toothbrush AGAIN in retaliation for making him go to school on Monday, when he was tired after staying up to the watch the Super Bowl (and the two friends who watched it with him got to sleep in), and then again yesterday when he woke up feeling congested. He had no fever and has a history of “crying wolf,” so I told him to go to school for two hours so he could at least go to his core classes. I **think** he was feeling guilty, but he told me what he had done as I was already brushing my teeth with it. And, no, it wasn’t a bluff because I was wondering why my bristles felt softer before I found this out.
Please don’t start with the “you never say no” or “you don’t enforce boundaries” parenting advice. It’s not true and not what I need right now. What I need from you is support for working through triggers of the sickening awareness that I, once again, am living under the same roof with someone I cannot trust. I have locked up my toothbrush, my laptop, and other items he might damage or place in the toilet in my safe along with my son’s Ipod, his most beloved possession. I have told him he can have the Ipod back when I can trust him again, which might be a very long time.
I was hoping to feel better after sleeping (I took enough Xanax to make sure I slept), but I still feel nauseous and just plain sick (on top of the sinus infection) this morning. I feel like this is just another person I opened my heart up to that betrayed me. He did this toothbrush thing once before (that I know of) last year, confessing months later because he felt so guilty. We calmly talked through why it is so wrong to do and how hurtful that was. No amount of reward/punish or reason works with this child (I am sure his special needs have a lot to do with this), which leaves me feeling vulnerable and unsafe in my own home. I don’t think I can live like this, but I also don’t think boarding school is an option at age 11. Advice?
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I was going to suggest putting it somewhere where he can’t find it but you have already done that.
I don’t really have much experience or knowledge about special needs but would imagine that in lots of ways, if we are talking arrested development, having the same expectations that you would for a ‘normal’ child of his age is an unrealistic prospect.
Perhaps it should be less about trust, or lack of and more about accepting him for who he is and I don’t mean not punishing him for this sort of thing, just being less suprised/more anticapatory when his behaviour is like this.
Faith,
I have gone through similar things with my own son, though he is not special needs … just immature and volatile. What I found was that a lot of my frustration (which comes from unmet expectations) resulted from me expecting him to behave in an age-appropriate way. Then, when he acted like the less-than-age-level kid that he was, I was angry, hurt, frustrated, etc. As in “why am I still having to fight with a ten-year-old over these three-year-old issues?!?”
Once I resigned myself to the fact that “he is what he is and he is not age-level in many ways” I stopped having the expectation that he was someone who could be trusted with age-appropriate things. (accepting him more for who he is, like Edwina said)
For instance, if your son were still a preschooler, and he cleaned the toilet with your toothbrush, it wouldn’t be as unsettling as it is when he’s older because you expect that kind of shenanigans from preschoolers, and you take the steps to prevent it from happening, like you’ve done now.
Not that you resign yourself to always having a preschooler, though. I have been working hard with my son to see that if he behaves like a preschooler, and makes preschooler choices, he will only have the privileges of a preschooler …. an earlier bedtime, no access to electronics (preschoolers don’t have ipods), etc.
Once he goes a few days behaving more like his own age, the privileges start to come back, one at a time…. until the next preschool antic. They are getting fewer and farther between, which is a hopeful sign.
I also know that when I’m sick, worried, stressed, or otherwise not on my game, he takes advantage of my weakness and pushes boundaries and buttons as much as possible. You have been miserable with this sinus thing for a long time, and he may be pushing more than normal.
I hope you find some peace and rest and get this sinus infection behind you very soon.
Faith-
I’m sorry your going through this. We adopted a special needs child 10 years ago. He is 19 now. We had many challenges and still do. I can’t trust him or believe anything he says. It frustrating to say the leased but I still love him to death. We went through hell for about 3-4 years of this with no support from husband. In his eyes he could do no wrong. This put a stain on our marriage. He ended up having him move into a Community Living Center. The challenges are still there because we are legal guardians and still have all the respon. The frustration of working to get through to him is awful and difficiult to go through. Just remember to try to take go care of yourself first that’s the most important thing. I get very overwhelming with dealing with all his special needs. He is in the process of earning our trust back and dealing with the constant lying. People don’t understand special needs children. Consequences sometimes just don’t work. Your doing the right thing with him and just bare with it. Hopefully it will get better. Be proud of yourself for how well you are dealing with it so far. It doesn’t seem that way now but as everyone told me it will get better. I’m just waiting when will that be. Keep up with what you are doing and take care of yourself first. You can’t help him if your wore out which it sounds like you are. Hope things improve for you. You have support out here.
Thumper
Hi, Thumper.
Thanks for the “in the trenches” perspective. If you haven’t lived with a kid like this, you simply don’t know what it’s like. I am sick to death of people saying that I impose enough consequences, set enough boundaries, etc. Most people don’t deal with kids like this. I cannot possible anticipate every weird thing he might do. :0(
I have a therapy appt this afternoon to talk through this. In the meantime, I have my son staying in afterschool care for the rest of the week to minimize how much time I have to deal with him while I get “untriggered.”
~ Faith
A metaphor:
When I am making marbles I have certain issues. Mistakes that I make that are pretty simple intellectually. One of them is waiting. Glass is an insulator and heat does not work the way one thinks of heat working. When you take a marble out of the heat the heat goes to the core. The heat applied directly to the marble will not go to the core of the marble when directly in the heat. If I try and shape the marble without the heat going to the core the marble can not be formed and what I have accomplished has to be redone.So why is this so hard for me. First I can not see any change in the marble to know when the heat has gone to the center. I have to just wait. I can not blow on the marble to cool it as then the marble is different temperatures all around the surface. I can not wave it in the air to cool it as it will become misshapen by the centrifugal force. I just have to wait. If I do not than the marble will be malformed and I have to redo. .
I feel you have to wait on this. You are sick. You have been through a lot not only in the recent past but as a child. You have been working on healing very hard for a long time,
It would be nice to think that your deciding to wait would upset your child and make they stop and think about what they have done and that it adversely effects you and therefore their relationship with you. It may or may not. Either way I feel you have to wait.
I read somewhere on this blog about boundary’s and this is what I took from itl
If my boundaries is broken by another it is still my boundary, If I make an error and do not defend my boundary it is still my boundary. If I am to tired to defend myself than it is still my boundary. A no matter what happens to my boundary I know it is wrong that it is broken.
Another thought is have your sons father take care of him at least until Monday. Not you can not take it, not you need to rest just a little bit as you are exhaustion, not as a favor, not because you ask just because that is what should be done. To be clear it is not unlikely that it would be a few days of play for both his father and your son. That is OK and that you resent that in the moment is OK.
I noticed the image you picked this morning. I do not feel that anyone knows all about protecting spirits. Someone once told me that sometimes it looks like a protecting spirit is attacking when it is really warning and that the protecting spirit should be embraced This I have found to be true for me.
Hi, Michael.
Yes, this image was intentional. My wolf is out.
~ Faith
I’ve nothing much to say but that I think you’re doing the right thing.
Wow…I completely understand how you are feeling and the triggers that are affecting you. I think if it is at all possible, you need to re frame your thoughts and feelings and work hard to look at this situation through the eyes and mind of the parent and adult that you are and need to be to work through this behavior issue with your son. I know this is easier said than done, however it might help if you tell yourself that he is the priority. His future as an adult that can cope with life will be based on how you, mom, parent, adult guide him through this difficult time.
I have learned over the past few years to separate my triggered feelings from the reality and facts that are truly before me and not the little girl feelings the situation brings to the surface. Again, I know this is far easier said than done. I usually worked on deconstructing the situation and re framing it in writing which usually help me separate my triggered feelings from the reality of the situation.
Hang in there,
Fat Girl Oreo
Thank you all. I am i so much physical pain. My head is killing me. I am running a fever (again). I don’t know how much more I can take.
~ Faith
Not knowing what your child’s special needs are, I cannot say for sure, but this sounds like spite to me. Pure and simple.
I have nothing useful to say except that it is my feeling that making excuses for his behavior or trying to understand it may never turn anything up. If I were dealing with this issue, I would focus on stopping the behavior regardless of the cause.
The only other thing I can suggest is joint therapy sessions…? Maybe you and he are just so close that he doesn’t hear you. Sometimes a third party can make all the difference.
Good luck and I am sorry. This is a hugely triggering issue. In fact, I feel triggered just reading about it! Not badly, but some. Anyway, I am hoping you can get the resolution that works for everyone to trust again.
Thinking of you,
m
Hey faith!
sorry to hear your not been well.. i think you need to break this down a little bit ;
1. firstly you are sick, and have been for a while.. that makes you feel vulnerable and more susceptible to other’s behviours which may relate to healing process. (When ever i feel sick i feel out of control and when am fussed over that triggers me alot ) therefore our reactions would definately be far more emotional than usual.. so as michael says do wait it out before you make any decissions.
2. i havent read the full blog about your child, but as i understand he is adopted right? does he know he is adopted? because I am adopted too – i knew i was adopted ( by accident) when i was 12 i think, and i was really troubled by it though my whole family ‘ swept it under the carpet’ and we never talked about it.. i used to be very annoying, stole money when i could, hit my mum at one time, and i did push my family to their limits..(some things am even embarassed to write about on here ) and when i think about all that despite the fact i was reacting to my abuse also ( unknowingly) i was also testing how much my family really loved me…. obviously with special needs there are more factors involved , but from my experience i played up like that to constantly test people around me because i didnt trust anyone not even my family. Not sure how helpful that is but maybe he knows your ill and he is not getting the attention he wants.. or maybe he is trying to send you a message – he may even be scared seeing you ill??
3. dont beat your self about it faith.. recently i was a hen weekend away for my best friend, ive know her since i was 12 ithinkor younger even, we are close, i have arranged all her friends to give me photos, memorobilias. stories to put in a book am compiling to give after the speech on wedding day.. one of her friends ( who i hardly know but she been so irritating through out the planning process) gave her a photobook behind my back, which is just of her and my best friend. when i found out i was fuming i was really angry.. my other friend – lets say S who also helped me plan the hen weekend, told me to that my eyes had gone red though i wasnt saying anything as i wanted the weekend to go smoothly.. no bitchy fights please.. my face was calm but inside i was angry.. intially i was thinking she stole my idea, she gave it to her behind my back, and she is trying to compete with my friendship with my best friend.. over the day we were hanging out but i was still angry.. the thing is usually am not like this S knows me well, and she said to me that why am i so angry usually i let things be.. having a chat with her i said i think my inner child is awake and angry about something that this girl has triggered it.. thinking over the day i realised it was the ‘deciet’ that made me angry not HER. once i recognised that i realised i wasnt even bothered about that girl anymore.. so perhaps the way your child behaved awakens something.. and its not about him – just a thought
4. you have ad him for 11 years and put up with his behaviour you are doing a good job of it already.. remind yourself of that.. and also faith.. sending him to boarding school will make matter worse.. it will affect him tremendously.. trust me i know.. he will have abondonment issues at some point..
anyways these are my thoughts i may not be on the mark.. but may be food for thought.. take care !
Hi, Sukoon.
The boarding school comment was a flip one. Yes, knows he was adopted. We adopted him at two days old and have always been honest with him about it. He has ADHD and a slew of learning disabilities, including dyslexia, all of which make him impulsive and make it difficult for him to process anything, including the relationship between cause and effect. Thus, no parenting advice from parenting books ever work with him. :0(
~ Faith
Everything negative thing is compounded when you are physically sick. If you have a health food store near you (or anywhere that sells essential oils), call and see if they have any oregano vulgaris (make sure it’s vulgaris; the other kind of oregano oil is totally different). A couple of drops (2 or 3) in a cup of hot tea will give you relief for your sinusitis. I have even read from an essential oils wholesaler who was inflight on his way back home from a buying trip in Turkey and who had a terrible sinus infection of how he happened to have a tiny sample bottle of oregano vulgaris in his pocket and simply sniffed it a few times. He said he got immediate relief, even 20,000 feet in the air in an airplane, which if you’ve ever had to fly with a cold or congestion, you know how bad that can be.
I can’t offer any suggestions for your son, but I do know you need to get better in order to deal with him.
oh and do watch super nanny she has some good tricks up her sleeves for this type of behaviour – think she has a website as well…
I went to boarding school at age 11. There are so many to choose from try to find a educational consultant (they find many different types of school, residential treatment centers, traditional boarding schools, theraputic boarding schools, military schools, athletic based schools, art based. That’s a suggestion! Or maybe a wilderness program such as suws or second nature! My brother went to 2nd Nature and he is a better preson now. And if its too expensive, these places offer scholoarships and the like!
Faith,
There is no real advice that will fix this situation. It is hard, I hear you. You are a good mom, you invest in your child, you love him, you set boundaries. I am sorry you have been hurt in the process. Locking things up seems like a good idea for now. Once again I wish I had a wand to fix it all, I don’t but what i know is you are strong, You are loved. You are an amazing woman who fights hard and is real. You walk with integrity and truth. You follow your heart. You listen to yourself. What i know is you are amazing. You sharing makes my life and others who I have shared your blog with find hope. And the truths you speak of, even being hurt by your child and feeling out of control are things that need to be voiced. I am listening.
Bekah
Thanks, Bekah.
~ Faith
I think locking up the Ipod is an excellent way to lead him to continually think about his behaviors and their consequences.
At the pre-school where I volunteer they deal with challenged children, and I have seen miracles. One of the tools they use, and I don’t know much about it yet, though they plan to reschedule the workshop that got cancelled due to weather, is called Collaborative Problem Solving. You can search on the internet for it. The idea is that there are no “bad” children, just children who can’t figure out how to get their needs met. Behaviors include spitting, lying, stealing, hitting, screaming, etc. The adults collaborate with the child so they have a stake in how their treatment is done or their troubles are dealt with. It sounds great on paper, but I also have seen some amazing transformations.
I got a strong jolt when you compared your inability to trust the adults in your childhood with your inability to trust your son in your adulthood. I feel it is really two different things. You are the adult now. I hope that you just meant that it triggered you, which is totally understandable. I hope you will investigate what is going on with you, as it felt to me like you were transferring your son’s behavior to your abuser’s, or vice versa. It sounds like a huge challenge for you so I am glad you will see your therapist about this.
I hope you can kick that sinus infection very soon. It sounds awful.
Hi, Freasha1964.
My therapist helped me get my head back on straight. He validated that there is nothing wrong with my parenting and that 90% of the children out there would flourish with me as the parent. I am raising a child with a bunch of specials needs who needs to learn how to process his emotions in healthy ways, and a child psychologist needs to be the one do this since I don’t have the training.
Yes, I was extremely triggered by all of this and felt so helpless. I feel much better after talking with my therapist about it all.
Hi Faith:
I don’t have kids and I just skimmed through your blog and the comments. So sorry to hear about what you’re going through now. The act with your toothbrush seems like such an incredibly hostile act especially since this is the second time that you know of. I don’t remember reading if you’ve taken him to therapy. Maybe I’ve missed that.
Reading your story reminded me of that news story a few years back where the adopted mom sent her kid back to Russia because of his mental health problems. In the aftermath, the did stories with families who had kids with attachment disorders. I think there was type of summer camp the kids went to so the parents good get some down time and the kids get ongoing treatment to help them work through some of their problems.
Take care.
Toni
Hi, Toni.
Yes, it’s easy to judge the woman who “returned” her child to Russia when you have never lived with a special needs child. I am not saying I support her actions or would have done the same thing, but I do understand the frustrations. I know several adoptive parents who have dealt with very serious issues with emotionally damaged kids.
My therapist validated how difficult it is to parent a child with special needs. He also gave me a referral to a child psychologist for my son. I am hoping that will help.
~ Faith
Faith-
I’m sorry if it came acrossed as I was telling you that you haven’t given him enough consequences or boundaries. I never meant such thing. Children with special needs are difficult no question about it. I agree 100%. Each child has it’s own special needs difficulties and you have to find out what works for that child. We never found out anything that has worked for us. It’s frustrating and very triggering. Being in counseling as parents helps us get grounded again. Our son is also in counseling and she works great with him but she has really helped us understand him better. It’s a challenging time for you and I wish I did have some answers for you but your child sounds pretty tough. I just wish you the best to try to find something that helps. What I was always told is take care of myself first then try to manage our son. It doesn’t always work that way but I spent many nights just crying wanting to give up. I spent more time at his school then at home it seemed like. I wish you well in getting better. I hope things get better with your son. I have been thinking of you all day. Go luck at your counseling appt. hopefully that gives you some insight.
Hi, Thumper.
I reread what I wrote to you. When I said “you,” I meant collectively, not YOU. :0) Your response was very helpful to me because it sounds like you have lived through similar issues. :0)
People who haven’t parented a special needs child just cannot understand what it is like to live with it day in and day out. My therapy session helped a lot. I got a referral for a child psychologist. My T says that my son’s ADHD and processing issues are affecting his ability to manage his emotions. My son is dumping all over me because he doesn’t know how to process his emotions, and I am the safest place to unload because he is secure in my love for him.
My son has emotions re: his adoption, his birthmother’s death, and his frustrations with reading (he is dyslexic). That’s a lot for an 11-year-old child to process, and his special needs are interfering with his ability to manage his emotions. My T said that getting him counseling now is crucial because the prognosis gets worse if we wait much longer.
Thanks again for your support! :0)
~ Faith
Faith-
Thanks for writing back. I’m glad your session went good with your T. Like I said if it wasn’t for the counseling we wouldn’t have made it. My son has Fetal Alco. ADHD cognively impairedand depression. Your right on getting him in therapy. Our son found someone he will admires and liked alot that really saved us. We put him in counseling when we adopted him at age 9. When we adopted him the agency only told us he was ADHD. We kept going to different DR’s to find out what was going on. Over the next 3 years after adopting him he finally got the bigger picture. His behavior was just getting worse. Something we did find out that was extremely helpful. Our son’s behavior was getting worse and unbearable, my allergist told me about this study. If your child is allergic to milk, soy you don’t have to always have the reaction you typically have such as eyes swollen, sinus problems, throat sweling etc. In children it can be different but studies have shown if your child is allergic to milk it can appear in this behavior. I honestly didn’t believe my doctor. So we tested our son and he was allergic to milk. After taking him off milk he changed dramaically. When the tantrums happened that were less frequent and was calmer when he got angry. He used to throw himself on the floor and just smack the floor and scream, this went away. Also like your therapist said children that are adopted have different types of issues than children that aren’t and then you add on the special needs. I love my son more than anything in this world and I wouldn’t change adopting him for anything. But the agency should have known about this disabilities more than what we were told. He was a huge trigger for me because he didn’t like me at all because I was the mother and his biological mother abandoned him. So he was very angry with me still has issues about it. He still feels were going to leave him and he’s 19. He is much closer to my husband then me. But anyway taking him off from milk we had less tantrum and they got more managable. Then the lying came on and he still is doing that now. Children that have these types of special needs have to be handled different than children without special needs. I’m not saying children w/o special needs are not difficult because every child have there issues to deal with. But adopted alone brings on certain issues for children to handle add on the special needs wow does it changes things. I give any parent so much credit if they adopt a child and then on top of that having special needs. You will see later in life what influence you had on him. His school told us they can’t believe the change in our son since we first got him. He keeps improving in certain ways. But I firmly believe you doing what you are doing will help you just may not weep the rewards right now. We sure didn’t. Some things didn’t change with him either but us as parents I’m learning doesn’t relflect on me as a parent. His special needs has a big role to play in it. There are things he will never get over we can just be there for him and go from there and just love him. Like I told you we wouldn’t have made it without seeking counseling. His issues my sons was such a trigger for me. My husband was a huge help. But we just found out about milk problem about 1 1/2 yes ago so he would have been 17 1/2. He is still a big problem. But were seeing what we have taught him in regards to values and such have really helped him better cope with things. So no matter what it looks like now it gets through to them that we as parents do love them and no matter what they do we still love them and we won’t abandoned them like in my situation his mother did. Once he figured out we weren’t going anywhere no matter what he it’s helped alot. I wish I had an answer for you but I don’t each child is so different, what works for one may not work for another. You are doing the right things. What you are doing is giving him hope and values he will take with him. Now that our son moved out our relationship is getting better slowly. We still have trust/lying issues. Our families don’t see the problems with him because he is a charmer around others but since were the ones closest to him we get the blunt of it. Thats the best part of being a parent, just kidding. Anyway good luck with him keeping up with what your doing. It will show later in life in him what you have taught him. Sorry for my length but I wanted you to know there are people out there that do care and support you in your journey through this. My biggest surprise was how much he triggers me I didn’t expect that when adopted. Good luck and do remember take good care of yourself. That teaches him to knowing our limits and seeing how important it is to take care of our selves. Just continue with the great work you are doing it does help and does matter. Actually our son ended up doing better with stricter boundaries and know exactly where were coming from. There was no seond guessing. Good luck with everything your going through.
Thumper
It sounds to me like you are a good parent and are doing the right thing with a difficult child. I do not have a special needs kid, or have much experience with them, so please take from this only what seems useful.
You said, regarding the toothbrush trick, that he’s done it before, and in that case confessed on his own, because he felt so guilty. That says to me that the problem isn’t knowing how bad it is, it’s having the self-control to keep from doing the bad things. In which case, I’d say you’re doing exactly the right thing. He understands what he’s doing is bad, you’ve already given him all the moral guidance he needs. The only thing he needs now is a life that imposes the control he doesn’t have–and you’re already providing that, and continue to provide. The only difference I would suggest is turning the loss of his ipod into a formal punishment, rather than it being gone until you can trust him again, since he has no control over your feelings. Perhaps instead, you could give him a list of things and tell him that when he has done them, he can have his ipod back. That gives him direct control over it. If he just needs you to trust him again to get it back, he may be at a loss for how to make that happen. But if he knows exactly what to do, he may do it. And if he doesn’t, well, that’s his loss, and he’ll have no opening to blame anyone but himself for it.
It also takes the some of the responsibility off of you, which I think you need. You don’t need to decide when he gets his ipod back, he can do that himself! According to the rules you set down.
As regards dealing with the triggers… I have fewer thoughts there, since I’m not so good at dealing with triggers myself. But I wonder if maybe you could look at the situation differently? The sort of “trust” you seem to be talking about is a big, polarizing abstract. What does it even mean? You’re saying that you can’t trust your son, but by the definition of “trust” in this post, to be honest, I don’t think anyone should trust their children. Certainly not at eleven. Any child is going to be really mean sometimes. They’re also going to do stupid things, and disobey you at times, and probably be really mad when they have to go to school and don’t want to. Perhaps rather than thinking of trust as this undefinable quality that you have or don’t have, you can make it specific: “I can/can’t trust ___ to…”
For myself, I can trust my sister to be understanding but very analytical about my problems, I can trust my one friend to help me normalize them but not to understand when I need to make them exactly as big as they feel like they are, and I can trust my other friend to be cathartic and incredibly passionate about never downplaying them–even when I would rather she wasn’t. I trust them in very specific ways, and that’s safe. I can trust them to be themselves, and to act in the way that they have always acted, and I can go to the one who has what I need right now. Perhaps you can do something similar with the people in your life. For example–cynical though this may sound–you can trust your son to take whatever ammunition he can to vent his feelings against you when he’s upset (which, from my own experience with kids, is pretty normal, since kids in general don’t have great impulse control). That’s predictable, and you can control it, by depriving him of that ammunition and locking up your toothbrush, as you have done. The next time it happens, he’ll just have to find another way to deal with his frustration at having to go to school.
Hi Faith
I bought a book quite recently called ‘Wounded Children Healing Homes’. The reason I bought it was to learn to parent my inner children who are traumatized and often act in a destructive way, better, but the book is about how traumatized children impact adoptive families. If is full of short chapters from different perspectives, and very interesting – it also says nobody who is not in such a family can really understand, which I think might very well relate to your situation too, parenting a special needs child with challenging behaviour. Families describe the social isolation resulting from this, from their children’s continued ‘naughty’ behaviour. Another thing I drew from the book is that having high expectations is a sure-fire loser with such children, you cannot expect them to treat you kindly, with love, etc – I know your son is not necessarily traumatized (you adopted him at two days old), but this again might apply by analogy.
I am sorry you are so triggered and I would be too. I agree you need respite of some kind and glad you have a therapy appointment. I don’t know what your self-esteem is like in terms of your mothering, but you might need to remind yourself that you are a good mom – I have to do that a lot. After the storm of emotion has passed, I think there is a place for understanding above discipline, as well as making your things safe (i.e. keeping your toothbrush locked away, you don’t have to tell him it’s because you don’t trust him, you can explain the brush tasted really, really yucky and you would feel so sick if you ever tasted that again so you are keeping the brush somewhere where it will be nowhere near the toilet). Was it a cry for attention? Was he angry (with you, with something else, with himself)? I think you can tell him your needs and your feelings when you address his – so you can tell him you need him to tell you when he wants help/ is furious/ doesn’t know how to tell you he feels XYZ rather than damage your things or do something that could be really bad for your health, because that makes you feel sad/ confused etc.
I don’t know if any of this is feasible with high special needs but I am hoping it might be, I know that my 2 year old (though no special needs) often is violent, wants to hurt me, etc but he has some understanding of such logic as well.
Good luck Faith and I hope you get some rest soon!
PS – Just thinking about what has really renewed my relationship with my son after a massive tantrum when he has triggered me by hitting me etc. I think one of the best things you can do is plan to have an excellent time with your son as soon as you feel up to it, doing something you both love, to reaffirm the positivity in the bond between you. Don’t look on it as a reward for him opening up or a distraction from the issues or anything but pure fun and showing him you love being with him.
My 40-yr-old son is partially stuck at age 3 (I’m 69 and stuck at age 4). About 2 yrs ago we had a talk, where apparently for the first time I actually listened to him. Then I began to think of times I hadn’t listened to him — to his needs — when he was a child. This is not the only problem between us and he’s reluctant to talk to me about others, but my listenng to him and understanding what he was talking about made a huge difference in our relationship. Don’t know whether this is pertinent to your problem w/ your kid acting out, but wanted to post it in case it would help.
Yikes sister. Sounds like you’re full of fear and worry because your need for safety is not being met in your own house. I wonder what you expect your son to do to earn your trust. What would that even look like?
Hang in there by nurturing yourself first and cultivating calm assertiveness with others.
I’m not a parent, so all I have to offer is this. I had a really bad persistent sinus infection a couple of years ago and did some research into solutions.
What fixed it was a neti pot with a salt solution in it. The neti pots can be bought in a drug store for about $10 and come with little premeasured packets of salt. You mix it with warm water and pour it in one nostril and out the other, which takes it through your sinuses. The first time I did it, it didn’t make it all the way through, but eventually it did.
How it works is that the salt solution is more concentrated that the fluid inside the cells in your sinuses. Water migrates from the less salty place inside the cells to the more salty water in the sinus cavity. This makes your sinus cells less swollen and improves the pain and breathing. At the same time, salt water is antiseptic and rinses out the infection-ridden gunk inside your sinuses, making it easier for your immune system to cope with what’s left.
I read that this way of treating sinus infections (referred to in the medical literature as ‘nasal lavage with a hypertonic saline solution’) is recognized by doctors as being as effective as antibiotics. You might want to try it if you’re already on antibiotics. When I went to my doctor about the infection, after I’d figured out I had a sinus infection and not a cold and had begun using the neti pot, he approved of me treating it in this way.
On a survivor level, I can see how using a neti pot could be triggering. However, if you hold your head right, mix the salt in thoroughly, and the water is warm, the water pours right through and you don’t really feel it, although if the sinuses are raw feeling, they might be more sensitive than mine were. I generally handle things I think might be triggering by controlling all the other factors, which for me means, do this during the day, in bright light, in a ‘safe’ area of the house, with safe people around if necessary. I was desperate enough to fix this infection that I was ready to do anything.
My sinus infection cleared up in 3 days using the neti pot. There are youtube videos telling you how to do it, and it’s also a yoga thing, so yoga oriented stores might have it if your drug store doesn’t. I found it in a large mainstream drug store.
May everything work out well with your body and son.
SDW
Hi, SDW.
Believe it or not, I use a neti pot every day and STILL got the sinus infection. I think there is something flawed in my sinus cavity and plan to see an ENT once this sinus infection has fully cleared up. I want to get an MRI and see if there is a way to fix it. I take allergy meds daily (I am allergic to dust mites and mold, which are worse in the winter months) and also use neti-wash with zinc in a neti pot daily AND also take Zycam and Airborne when I feel a cold starting and STILL get bad sinus infections. I am hoping an ENT can fix the issue.
~ Faith
Hi Faith,
Not sure if you’ve looked into this, but there is a good amount of research out there (I’ll see if I can find some links) that a high percentage of chronic sinus infections are actually fungal, not bacterial, and antibiotics don’t help them at all, and can in fact make them worse. A suprising number of people have what is called a ‘fungus-ball’ in their sinuses. If you google it there is a fair amount of information. The fact that you’re allergic to mold and mites makes me suspect that you might be dealing with a long-term fungal issue.
I too am very allergic to mold and dust mites and have chronic sinus (and lung) issues. When sick the last time I found out that raw onions thin mucous and help it drain. I was surprised just how well this worked for me (the raw onion/honey syrup); it was the difference between feeling horribly sick and blowing my nose all day long (didn’t think it was possible to produce that much mucous) and feeling like I wanted to rip my head off to get rid of the pain and congestion. I have to admit though that even with that relief it was lucky that I felt too sick to get off the couch, because there were times I feared I would never get better, and I seriously contemplated looking for a convenient bridge. Glad now I didn’t!
Hi Faith,
Here’s a link from the Mayo clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mold-allergy/DS00773/DSECTION=complications
Hi Faith,
I posted a link on fungal infections from the Mayo clinic, but it seems to have disappeared, so I’ll try again (my apologies if this eventually comes out as a double post).
Trying this again, but obscuring the link:
http://www (dot) mayoclinic (dot) com/health/mold-allergy/DS00773/DSECTION=complications
I haven’t *parented* a special needs child, but when I was in foster care I lived with some, and I’ve worked with them, so I can understand on those levels. I *do* understand that it’s far harder and different then any regular parent (or person w/o experience w/these children) could understand.
I’m really glad you got to see your therapist, and that your son is getting into counseling. That seems like an extremely good idea. I don’t know if these exist in your area, but I know even in the rural area I grew up in there were groups for parents of special needs children, and that was very helpful for many of them, as it both helped share ideas and give space to talk in person with other people who knew what it was like.
I agree with what others have said, that given he had admitted doing the same thing previously after a long period of guilt, he’s quite *aware* that it’s wrong, but still acted out from his anger. Which is probably anger at a *lot* of things, with you simply being the “safe” target (I saw that happen with some of the other kids towards my foster mom). About the trust thing- I want to put a little challenge in here. Can you “trust” him not to act out? Obviously not. But- that doesn’t mean you can’t *trust* that he cares about you, that you matter to him, and that he is not maliciously acting with intent to harm you like those you grew up around, which is a big different.
On another note- I don’t remember what age he was adopted at, but regaurdless of that, there may be some attachment issues (because of his birth family and his being adopted- from everything I know you’ve done a damn good job) and it might help give you some help in dealing with him to look at it from an attachment disorders parenting perspective.
I really hope you feel better soon.
This isn’t about the trust issue, but you may feel better knowing there is more fecal matter in ice cubes at fast food restaurants than in the toilet. That’s because whatever they use for the ice cubes doesn’t get washed and some workers don’t wash their hands. They did scientific studies comparing the ice cubes to toilets. The toilets are cleaner than we think because the flushing rinses away bacteria and toilets get cleaned whereas whatever they’re using at fast food restaurants for the ice doesn’t. So the drinks are full of bacteria.