On my blog entry entitled Realizing that I Had DID, a reader posted the following comment:
I am curious… maybe at some point you could post about whether or not your sister also has DID, if that isn’t too personal or invasive to share. Also, how you and your sister came to talk about the abuse and when/ how that happened. My understanding is that many siblings are driven apart when the subject of abuse comes up or they tend to avoid it altogether. You and your sister have a unique bond in that you can and do share your experiences and feelings surrounding this.
I emailed my sister to make sure she was OK with me talking about her on the blog. I also gave her an overview of how I planned to represent her (based on things she has told me in the past) since I am talking about her experience and not mine. She is 100% supportive and might even write a guest blog at some point to share her point of view.
My sister has not been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) and does not relate to DID. Her diagnoses are post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and social anxiety disorder. She and I endured most of the same abuses or similar variations of the same abuses.
Despite my sister not relating to DID, she does sometimes say things that, to me, sound in the ballpark of DID/being a multiple, such as asking me one day if I ever “feel short.” Yes, I do sometimes “feel short” when a young alter part comes outs. She does not relate to an alter part “coming out” but does experience “feeling short” or feeling as if she was physically different for no apparent reason.
My sister’s internal experience is quite fascinating. I haven’t heard another child abuse survivor describe it quite in this way. She says she can best describe her internal experience as a warehouse. All of the memories are stored in boxes so she doesn’t have to view any of them if she doesn’t want to. She might not know in the moment what is located in each box, but she knows the general organization of the warehouse and has the ability at will to open any box and view any memory – she simply chooses not to unless she feels a need to “go there.”
Unlike me, who truly had NO IDEA about the childhood abuse, my sister was always aware of being a child abuse victim. As a young child (around age six), she wanted to be a call girl when she grew up. Even as a little girl, she thought that she might as well profit from what was being done to her.
I’ll share about our relationship tomorrow.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
The bit about “warehouse” reminded me of the lyrics from David Bowie’s “Five Years”.
“My Brain Hurt Like A Warehouse
It Had No Room To Spare
I Had To Cram So Many Things To Store
Everything In There”
I’ve got the beginnings of a hypothesis about the cooperation of implicit and explicit memory and that dissociation is somehow linked to a lack of cooperation between these 2 main memory systems. As the hippocampus, as a rule, doesn’t “come on line” until the age of 3 or 4 years old, and the hippocampus is involved in explicit memory. Prior to this, all memory is handled by the amygdala and this is usually implicit memory (i.e. not retreivable or unconscious emotional memory). It may be that trauma, prior to the hippocampus becomming fully active, is more likely to lead to a break down in cooperation and communication between the amygdala and the hippocampus and subsequently dissociative symptoms.
2 books; one that I am currently reading “Psychological Trauma and the Developing Brain” and one that I have read previously “The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization” discuss our current understanding of the disruption of memory systems. I would recommend both to anyone seeking a greater understanding of the neurological consequences of trauma.
That’s a really interesting idea, Simon. I wonder whether, in the event of the brain registering a life-threatening situation in those first few years, the explicit memory system might just not start up properly in the first place, perhaps to conserve energy? I mean, the most “primitive” part of the brain is just constantly looking for ways out and/or ways to survive, which as I’m sure we all know is very energy expensive, and in that situation there isn’t much use for explicit memories until more conscious strategising for escape becomes possible at a later age.
Thanks for the recommendations; it’s a very interesting subject, and one that’s quiet overlooked by practitioners, I think.
The role of cortisol “the stress hormone”, among other things, is to preserve energy so that it can be applied to the fight or flight mechanism. This can lead to indiscriminately turning off other processes to preserve energy supplies; The immune system, cell reproduction, hair growth (alopecia is a common result of being over stressed), etc. Robert Sapolsky has pretty much covered everything related to the negative effects of stress in his book “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers”. One thing cortisol does is turn off development. You don’t need to devote energy to development when you are in a life threatening situation. The other thing to note is that the human brain has around 100 billion neurons and these connect together and communicate through things called dendrites. How these dendrites connect has a lot to do with experience and environment. Dendrites are an essential connection for intra-brain communication. If these dendrites don’t connect abundantly, the brain doesn’t talk to itself very well, perhaps leading to a “split brain”, lacking the intra-communicative ability to experience itself as a singular whole?
Jan,
My brain did not develop properly only if compared to a brain that did not develop for my experience. That would go away if most people were in danger in the now.
I would propose that those with PTSD had less of a problem when the dams failed in New Orleans.
I have come to find that much of my work will now be adjusting to my brain is different. Katrina was a very strong storm the earth quakes in Haiti are not severe the construction is horrible as is the emergency response. I just see thing differently which is very helpful with danger and problem solving. The disconnect is no one sees I am not doing what they are better than they I solve by a different process. Not only does this isolate me people want me to solve their problems.
The model of I must be inferior as I experienced trauma just is not reality.
It really works for me that my heart was broken.
All that being said I needed to design a way to strengthen this brain and stay away from what is correct for a “normal” brain as well as stay away from I have an inferior brain due to trauma.
Michael
That’s why I put quotation marks around “primitive”; all these things can sound disparaging, even if they shouldn’t, since many of us live in societies that at best fail to value them. Of course none of us, or our brains, are inferior. Well I don’t think so, anyway. Mileage may vary, etc etc.
Jan,
I look at it like this. If you look at a persons brain from the perspective of and …. Meaning my brain developed under the circumstances and this was what I was able to do than it will not be viewed as underdeveloped in anyway.
I believe that what I have always seen as the dragon brain which is about self is squashed in general and that is why the terms seem so negative. Lower brain, reptilian brain, primitive brain etc.
I believe the path to healing is to heal the dragon brain and this will not be done if the focus is on the “higher brain” or viewing the lower brain as being something it should not be. What should not be is that I experienced the trauma that I did or that the focus is on the cognitive brain.
Even the dragon brain when viewed as positive is often explained not by what is experienced rather what has been taught. If I bring up the dragon brain I often am educated about the dragon brain that is blue and pushing a pearl. That my dragon is one color is just plain silly.
I also go with people healed from trauma way before MRI’s so it is not necessary. That puts it in a adjunct ‘position” in my mind. If what is known becomes the focus which the reptilian brain really does not care about than I believe healing of the reptilian brain can not happen.
I am using the word believe very specifically as this is not an intellectual conclusion. Well that is not true. My belief is held only by a very few and so it does not yet have the acceptance of those who I believe value the intellectual brain more than the reptilian brain.
With all the information I have I do not find that deep healing of the reptilian brain can happen unless that is the focus. Thing is the intellectual brain does not even know what is possible and will not unless the focus is on the reptilian brain.,
I have no information that leads me to understand the way “to” the reptilian brain is not though the left brain.
In short. Don’t dissociate don’t heal.
I have always said I do not dissociate. That is because if dissociation is negative than I do not dissociate. As my intellectual brain was creating parts at age 3 than I do not see it as related to my multiplicity. Applying dissociation to a brain less that 3 1/2 is well just plain silly.
I love David Bowie! I really like his early stuff. 🙂
Maybe that’s why I like him…
Also, if you find the warehouse stuff interesting, Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher has similar. When I read that I was sucked in and amazed. But don’t watch the movie…they ruined it.
I plan to look at some of the papers I have around and see if you’ve read them. I am almost done with my Master’s in Biology and am fascinated with the brain stuff. I study fish and behavior, but the behavior stems from the way the brain reacts…When I read what you had here it made me remember some of my older papers…
So if I suddenly throw up some links, that will be why.
Lydia (Faith’s sister)
Wow. The warehouse is fascinating and seemingly a very safe and efficient way to process. It also puts her in control of what box to open if any at all.
Thank you for doing this series. I think it will help many people. I know so many people, myself included that are estranged from family members, emotionally speaking, because they are in such denial of what went down in our house. It’s sad and I wish it were different. Maybe sharing about you and your sister can point out that sometimes our processes are different and maybe just help us all to soften a little bit around our sib relationships.
I hope she does a guest post! This will sound strange, but after knowing your story and coming to know you through your blog, I feel connected to her also in some way. Would be nice to hear her words, even if the subject may not be so happy.
Thanks again Faith. Great post. And also big thanks to your sis for allowing you to share about her life.
Peace,
mia
I am planning on writing something up for here. 🙂
I don’t come on here often, as I don’t want Faith to feel she cannot be completely open and I see this as her space…but she told me about this so I popped on.
I think Faith has told all that I am a nut and getting multiple Masters…well, I am trying to finish one this semester and have to finish research and a thesis and such, so I keep losing track of time (but not in a DID way! HAHA!).
I hope to have something written up in a week. It will be long, because I talk…a lot! I will trust Faith to edit it or cut it up into multiple parts. So I just may be taking over for a bit. LOL
See you in a week or so!
My memories are kinda stored in places not boxes. They are often buried and I see something coming our of the ground in my head. If I see ice in my head than memories are on the way.
I do find it odd that my therapist has boxes and boxes of writing in her office. They are not hers. We give her gifts like a rock or something and she is specifically told this is yours. If it is not hers than we say this is for yours to keep for a while.
We sometimes give her things to keep for us. Right now I think she has a marble that I made yet have never seen. It is seen as being in the room above her office/attic.
I have two boxes under my dresser with “things” in them for later one a flashlight from my childhood that I know is about the times I was at MKULTA facilities. I will get to that later.
We’re really very sad about our relationship with our younger brother. We haven’t (yet) been able to talk with him about any of what he experienced or remembers because talking to him (even via email) is so triggering. Its sad to realize it’s just one more way They managed to isolate us in order to maintain tight control. While it won’t ever be easy to talk to him about it, at least maybe some day in the future we will be able to have a relationship.
Love being able to contrast your experiences. I also have a sister whom I am close to and is a great support. Our experiences are different in so many ways, yet the same battle ground. These posts will be very helpful.
Great post, and thanks to your sister for sharing this with us as well as with you, Faith.
I love the warehouse metaphor. I’m always interested in thoughts like that, as I never quite repressed my memories of the abuse, but never quite remembered either. It was more like my mind was one big space, with the abuse memories plonked right in the middle, and I could sense their presence but just couldn’t/wouldn’t look. The best way I’ve found of expressing that is one that unfortunately will probably only make sense to Doctor Who viewers: the TARDIS perception filter pushes people’s attention away from it, so that even in Shakespearean London or wherever, people don’t stop and think “what the hell is that?!”. They see the TARDIS, they just don’t *notice* it. My memories are like the TARDIS. I’d like to wrap that up by saying that they’re bigger on the inside, but actually I think it’s the reverse! They were at their biggest when I couldn’t look at them at all, they appear to be getting smaller over time.
Your sister’s comment really shook me. When a part of myself called “the gatekeeper,” came out at a counseling session, she said that there was a file box filled with cards, each with a picture and that she “could take them out if I want to, but I don’t have to.” At the time, I could see the file box next to me, and it was filled.
It has been very difficult for me to accept that I was abused as a kid, in spite of experiences like this one.
Hi, I emailed you but you haven’t answered yet and I really need help I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. My current partner is a multiple and he’s getting worse he can’t go to his parents for help because a lot of the abuse came from other family members and he’s under 18 so he can’t get help without parental consent. Please please please email me I really need help and I don’t know what to do… 😦
Hi, Selena.
I am very behind in emails due to a lot going on in my offline life.
Since your partner is a minor, he can go to his school counselor or a teacher at the school and report the abuse. For that matter, you can do this for him. You can tell someone at school, or you can call Child Protective Services directly. The State will step in and get him help, both physical safety and therapy. Getting a therapist paid for by the state is pretty standard once Child Protective Services steps in. That would be my recommendation.
~ Faith
Selena,
Faith is incorrect. What she says will happen may. It most often does not. It is a myth that this happens. I am not saying not to try. I am saying do not be surprised when it does not happen, It is very very hard and will take much courage, effort and there is risk that much be faced. Do it just not it is does not often work the way people believe what they are told.
I would skip the school altogether and go directly to child protective services unless you life in an area with very affluent schools.
If your partner needs to go to an emergency room go do not call as you will likely get a run around. DO NOT indicate multiplicity or DID or PTSD unless you have an official DX. Fact is only 80% of mental health professionals accept DID as a Dx and only 5% of those that do accept it feel it is not extremely rare. Say you were abused and or are being abused and you do not know what to do and want help. Professionals frown on self DX
If you can get to Mclean’s Hospital in Belomont MA that is the best place to go and it is still not a sure thing you will get help.
Be aware if there are drugs or alcohol involved that WILL be the focus even thought that may not be the problem.
Seek help just know there is a reality of which Faith is not aware. I hope it works as described. It is rare. I am not only speaking of myself but the hundred or so people I have been in hospitals with and from the many hospitals I have been in until I got lucky and got help.
Thanks but another problem aroused he got extremely triggered the other night because of something one of his alters did and as a result of that his memories over the last 24 hours have faded until he doesn’t remember anything before 2 months ago. Which means he doesn’t remember being abused which means he can’t tell anyone about it. He has two alters which remember but one might be trying to make things worse and the other just wants everything to be left alone and neither of them come out for very long so I highly doubt they would tell for him. (none of his other alters remember the abuse) I could still call the police or CPS but I’m not sure how much faith they would put into me though I did save a conversation where typed to me saying it was his uncle and cousins because at the time he was so triggered he couldn’t even speak but it just says that it was his uncle and cousins it doesn’t say what they did. I wish I would have remembered to save other digital conversations we’ve had about it…
Selena,
Did not want to leave you hanging what you are dealing with does not lend itself to solutions from afar.
I can tell you that if you talk in terms of alter etc with just about anyone what you say after that will not be heard.
You investigating does not seem like a good idea unless there is a danger in the now from the abusers. If there is no real threat than it is not about the abusers it is about the abused.
Multiples are not incompetent they are just dealing with things that most people never will.
It is not a “problem” that someone does not know about the abuse and can not report unless there is real danger.
The reason I’m viewing it as a problem is because since he now does not remember the abuse if I go to the police to try and report the abuse he won’t remember it and won’t be able to back me up. Right now he’s not being abused but if he goes to a family gathering where his abusers are there is a chance it could happen again. I talked with the alter who’s job it is to keep all of the alters separate last night and he could barely talk from headaches but he told me that all of the alters are being integrated back in and in a bad way. I don’t know what will happen at the end of all of this and if he’ll still not remember. If I go to the cops and say I have a friend who was abused but he doesn’t remember it they might not believe me and if they do I can only point them in a general direction of the abuser because I only know that the abuser is an uncle and some of his cousins but he has quite a few of those so I’m not sure how much help it will be… 😦
[…] Comments « My Sister’s Internal Experience after Similar Child Abuse […]
Michael makes a very good point here;
“My brain did not develop properly only if compared to a brain that did not develop for my experience. ….. I would propose that those with PTSD had less of a problem when the dams failed in New Orleans.”
In many cases this appears to be the truth.
The whole point of the brains “plasticity” seems to be geared towards adapting to it’s environment and experience. Therefore it would stand to reason that people that have had to deal with threatening situations, especially at times of high developmental activity, would, in fact, be better adjusted or adapted to future threatening situations. Neurologically the amygdala is often found to be larger than “normal” where as certain areas such as the anterior cingulate, hippocampus and cerebellar vermis are weakened. These latter areas are involved in repressing and regulating the amygdala. Essentially you have a brain better at coping with danger, but, where no danger exists, might be considered to be maladapted given that they are still hypervigilant to threatening stimulus, often seeing or sensing threat where there is none or magnifying minor threats in to major ones …
in other words, it’s an adaptation and not a maladaptation. It’s the environment that determines whether it is maladaptive or not. It isn’t maladaptive in itself…
>>anterior cingulate, hippocampus and cerebellar vermis are weakened
Amazing when I first read about it it was more dense now it has been turned into negative and called weakened.
I experience the changes to my brain as a un-constricting.
For me it was not about the danger did not exist as I used to work construction which is dangerous not stressful like say fire fighters and police.
So many things about me became negative only viewed from the professionals perspective I bought into it for a long time. Hypo-manic is really an ability and I wish more people had it as much more would get done. Hyper-vigilance is really being aware of your surroundings.
I am not one of those that thinks my PTSD and multiplicity are wonderful. I really now see PTSD as being hurt. I have injuries to my soul that I want to be healed to experience things differently. Pretty much I wanted to grow as a person and got caught up in something was wrong with me and I needed to be more like others thought was normal.
On a basic level my experiences made it harder for me to express who I am.
My abilities do not just apply to danger. They apply to problem solving which is why I am a consultant that loves any problem that others have failed at. My work around when I fail is you should have called me sooner. Smile.
People that study tend to suffer from IDD Imagination Deficit Disorder and want me to be seen as deficient as I am not like them. They can only see everyone as a deviation from the norm the norm being themselves or how they see themselves.
I am more and more enjoying that I am different. I am not different as I enjoy it. NO ONE knows why I am different. I just am. I can not explain it and am staying away from those that think they can or will.
I was hurt and needed to heal and grieve. That simple and that complex. Yes I know about the building blocks of grieving. I needed to be so sad I did not think I could stand it. The concept that sometimes you need to be sad before you can be happy is more helpful to me than what has been come up through intellectual analysis which is really categorical. Knowledge got in the way of what understanding is possible.
It seems to me that often I got caught up in trying to find someone who understood me instead of coming to understand myself.
I needed to be saved from my life needed to be productive for society and it was all about my relationships and not about my relationship to my self. Thing is I need to save myself. Go figure.
I do not nor have I ever magnified minor threats. What I was expressing was seen as such a thing. I needed to be with the feelings of seeing my twin brother murdered to understand it was really all about me and I wanted him not dead. When close to doing this I was seen as symptomatic.
Symptomatic-Closer to healing. Michael’s definition.
The view that I was magnify things was when I got close to processing my brothers death life in the now was pretty hard to deal with., Go figure.
Processing trauma is hard, disruptive and you can not handle much else. Makes it hard to process trauma when the focus is on the results and not the cause. Makes it impossible in fact.
Hi Michael, I like the way you think. I get an understanding that you have had some really insensitive ‘quailified’ people expressing really ignorant opinions to you that were not helpful, but hurtful. They add layers of damage to the initial trauma!
So sorry to know that you have had to live through your twin brother’s death/murder. It is very sad to love someone especially so like yourself and for that to have happened, to have them stolen away so horribly. My sincere respect.
I like that you think for yourself and question what is healthy for person’s who developed through trauma. Thank you for your reply to me about the soothing dissociating benefits of water and that inspired courage to play with dissociation and not be afraid. I have been given the impression that it is wrong abnormal and not healthy. I question these opinions also.
With much respect and compassion…
Hey Prism,
Great name by the way.
Thank you for your sympathy about my brother.
I have a good feeling that dissociation will lose its bad name in the near future. Enough therapists are getting it that it can not last much longer.
I have a thing in the water that I do in the pool. I stand on my hands. I also stand on my hangs and bend my knees hanging from by floating calf’s, I also push off something and do the dead man’s float trying to stretch as far as i can in both directions.
I find a weird comfort in doing the RubiK cube. Did not see that coming.
I really like immersions as I swim along. Just feels like that is what I should do.
I do somersaults in the water. That one I have to be careful with.
Dog paddle is helpful yet I need to be careful with that.
I for a long time made great use of long rides to nowhere. Some times is was part of processing sometimes just the hum of the engine and wheels.
I am beginning to see “dissociation in a much different way. Some times now it is normal like doing art and not knowing time has passed.
I had one the other day where I kinda typed and talked only there was no keyboard. Just my thighs. It caused “dissociation” and I all but dropped. What was really strange is less time had passed that I thought in this dissociation. I napped really well.
When processing memories the dissociation is very hard to take and so is the aftermath. Only thing worse is not dissociating.
It changes everything seeing it as positive and the trauma as bad. I do really think it could happen in sleep in a not traumatized body.
Thanks Michael, your reply is really interesting.
I am starting Hydrotherapy this Tuesday ( 32 degree Celsius water) for an hour doing exercise and I will try some of the things u meantion. Sounds playful.
Imagine warm salty water like a safe large womb-like structure. I just found out that the warmer the salty water, the less dense it is. [ floaty/bouyant]
Here is the calculator for it:
http://www.es.flinders.edu.au/~mattom/Utilities/density.html
I would like a complete (stage production) controllable room [ lighting(intensity & colour) sound atmosphere temperature] with a saline pool in it. Maybe even delete gravity and the need for air !! ha ha ha… At least we can imagine.
However, a major goal of mine is to LIVE in the day-be really present & active, and sleep at night.
With with much Respect and Compassion to all here…
My brother pretty much a) refuses to discuss anything about our past (aside from some generalities about my dad and his stingy ways – and being burnt with a match), and b) when pressed, says he can’t remember. He spent most of his days (16-28) in an alcoholic haze (controlled; he is a successful person) and blames his drinking for sealing it up.
I have ‘worlds’, places, and universes inside. Alternate realities; some ‘built’ for a particular person or event. We’ve done art on it and posted on our blog. There is the “Island” for healing (and storing) personalities on another world; and we ‘found’ a memory under a rock in a twilight wood (another place, another time). LOL, makes it difficult going – ‘we’ don’t know where things are until we’ve found them – and have to create ‘places’ sometimes for the benefit of all of us ‘inside’ (though there are still a few hidden from me).
I find DID people are highly imaginative – and I guess one thing feeds another; the imagination can also feed us false information (which, by the way, is why we ‘discount’ certain memories . . . even though they may be real). Our inner child (one of them, anyway) is responsible for a lot of things, but he does not control us (however, he can mislead us). So we are careful with these things.
It is odd; my brother was not an imaginative child nor a creative man, however, he is doing better in terms of how society defines ‘success’ than me – has a good job, works in IT (high level guy) in a high level national banking chain. Real well. He ‘controls’ his emotions quite well. But he is also given over to inappropriate behaviors (which he has been learning to control) and he and his wife (his 3rd; I am still on my 1st) don’t get along; never have. And he is not as happy as me; he works ALL the time, non-stop. Even his hobby is hard work (riding a bike 50+ miles a day) – but he says he does it to take his mind off of things – and it’s given him some friends (we, on the other hand, do not get out much and have very few – old habits are hard to break, LOL.)
But we’ve always been different. Not two peas in a pod, we were deadly enemies way back when, going at each other with knife, sword, and gun. It’s a wonder we survived. And we barely talk at all.