I am working through a series on integration from dissociative identity disorder (DID), which begins here. I am using Rachel Downing’s article, Understanding Integration , as a starting point and then building upon what she says with my own experiences.
Downing defines integration as follows:
At the most basic level, integration simply means acceptance/ownership of all thoughts, feelings, fears, beliefs, experiences and memories (often labeled as personalities) as me/mine. It means giving up the split(s) that says something is “not me.” Integration is more than about personalities. It is about full acceptance of all dissociated aspects of oneself. ~ Understanding Integration
When I first read this definition of integration, it reinforced my desire to integrate from DID. I loved the thought of finding a way to accept all of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences as “mine” even though they did not feel that way at the time. I saw the choice of accepting all of these aspects of myself as “me” or “mine” to be a very deep statement of self-love – that even those parts of myself that I abhorred (such as parts that I viewed as “bad” or harmful) were worthy of love and acceptance.
I fully agree with Downing’s observation here:
Integration occurs when I accept a dissociated personality, part, or aspect of myself and bring it into normal awareness. It is not about getting rid of or killing off a part of myself. When I maintain the split and say it is “not me,” I am implicitly rejecting that part of myself. Essentially, integration is fully embracing each and every part/aspect of myself …With DID, when I deny/reject a part of myself that wants to cut/hurt me, I can’t control that part of myself. When I incorporate that part of myself I gain control and choices. ~ Understanding Integration
When I “met” the first alter part I became aware of — “Irate,” I didn’t want her to “go away.” However, because I wanted to integrate and be whole, I feared this was part of the process. I was surprised to discover that integrating Irate meant that I had 24/7 access to her in a different way. Instead of interacting with the world without the ability to express anger and needing Irate to come out “defend” me, Irate became an ever-present part of me. Since she integrated, I have the ability to feel anger and choose whether or not to act upon it or how to express it. This was something I had been unable to experience before Irate integrated.
By integrating Irate, I did not “kill her off.” Instead, I freed her to experience life from more than just the perspective of someone who is angry. I did not have to choose between never feeling angry or feeling “pure” anger. Once Irate integrated, I could experience the emotion of anger against the backdrop of all of my other emotions, which has been a much richer way to experience the world and enables me to balance out my anger with my other emotions.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I agree with the not killing. That was mainstream at one time. i always look for what will not be mainstream in the future. I expect it will be that dissociation was one time seen as bad and needed to be killed off by staying present.
Integration happens for me when I accept that we are separate by abandoning the concept that we all have the same body. It is how you define it. We often go with we are separate people. It is not about what others observe or think must be true for us rather our experiences and what is true for us.
Integration is impossible with out “dissociating” staying present means staying peaceful by ignoring conflicts for a while. Integration will not happen if a memory had not come into consciousnesses. Not processing precludes integration. That memory that I am going to work on later means integration is prevented.
Conflicts do not get resolved they only do not matter anymore as they are in the past.
It is like the bad wolf. People that do not like their wolfs seem to have a need to convince me mine are bad. Brings them comfort somehow. Thing is my “bad” wolfs are much respected by those that are receiving the benefit.
As we express separately than integration happens all those that have not expressed separately remain separate. Happens if you let your wolves be labeled bad. In a way causes bad behavior. Go figure.
It is much about the PTS body. Again seeing it as bad rather than just what you would expect if you have all your memories.
This came to me and I wanted to run it by you and your readers.
I am not multiple to deal with the effects of trauma. It is the way we do everything. Perhaps that is another difference between DID and multiplicity.
I came to it with seeing trauma work as a pump system. The Pump being PTSD.
I will not bore you with the engineering., Think water above as a pool of unprocessed trauma, Dams, rivers, freezing thawing, rain ect.
So those of us that do engineering now have a way to express how it is for them.
Now we just have to convince then they do not have to build it or design it. Or they have to decide they need to design and or build it. I am told a scale model will be about $60,000 and the design $35,000. We are laughing as we wonder what local, federal and state agencies will need a fee to fuel their pension pumps. Maybe I will write a letter to them all and see which ones claim jurisdictional power. I am not kidding. Some would.
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Hi, Michael.
I can only speak for myself, but I split to deal with the trauma. Once I knew how, I could use this ability to split for other reasons, such as when I split off a personality to do the accent I wanted for the 9th grade place. For me, the need to split was 100% trauma-based.
I maintained a “host personality” to be a whole person who interacted with the world as a person who had not known trauma because that part of myself had been “spared” the trauma, if that makes sense.
~ Faith
Faith,
It makes sense. I do not portend to understand as it is not what I experience.
I have no problem with you were a whole person with parts missing. It is impossible of course. I understand as much as I can.
All of us knew we were multiple. We did not know that not everyone was not. We did not know about all the others. In a real way there are many of us all that knew we were multiple we did not know about the other multiples we were. There that is pretty good. I am tired. That seems to be the best explanation of what we experience to date.
It is really not important to my healing at this point. I understand. Why I keep hammering on it is anyone anything like us will likely be harmed by most therapist even the few that accept DID I can not be the only one.
I believe that any therapist who can help someone who is multiple and not DID can help someone who is DID. It does not work in reverse. Made worse as a multiple is likely hurt by a therapist who can only see DID. I do think I may be able to help the few therapists that can work with multiples. I do not know if I can ever explain to DID experts.
A multiple is less likely to ever get a DX of DID as they are not. I expect I have never met the criteria for DID.
It is not that there are many of us that are DID. That would not work.
If all goes well we will go to our therapist. Some “groups” will report and we will tell her we want to go outside which we have spoke of yet never done. The reason is there is to much lines and colors in her office. That is all we know. If she were to jump to any DID understanding we would not get anywhere. We don’t let her talk much.
It is often written DID formerly MPD. Pretty much screwed from the get go.
It is made worse by the treatment required for a multiple would likely excellent for someone who is DID. I would have said for years that a multiple needs the treatment. I now believe multiples are better off out of therapy than with most trauma experts.
Faith,
You explained that so well. That last paragraph really resonated and I feel like I have a much deeper understanding of the process and they dynamics of the different parts as parts, and also coming together and working together… merging.
Thanks.
m
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