I am working through a series on integration from dissociative identity disorder (DID), which begins here. I am using Rachel Downing’s article, Understanding Integration , as a starting point and then building upon what she says with my own experiences.
The next part of Downing’s article talks about the phases of integration, which is too involved for me to summarize here. I agree with her that integration is not a single event but, instead, a gradual process of moving from being separate parts to being whole.
The metaphor I like is of melting ice. Before the abuse started, my spirit was like a pond where each part flowed into the next. The abuse caused the pond to ice over, and repeated abuse caused the ice to split off into separate chunks, which is what I experienced as alter parts. I was still one pond even though I felt like a bunch of separate chunks of ice. Integration happened by melting the ice back into water through the warmth of self-love. Nothing was lost – it was just experienced in a different way.
Downing talks about integrating and then losing that integration for a while (what she calls “disintegration”). I experienced this as well, but I think it was less stressful for me (perhaps because I had her article as a guide). When I am not dissociative, I experience the world around me differently, as if I have been beamed into my life and am really “here.” I will have moments of feelings extremely present like that, which I see as a guide for where I am heading. However, I don’t stay in that place for long periods of time.
Most of my progress is gradual. As an example, I will find myself getting overstimulated by sights, sounds, or smells as I move into a deeper level of integration because, thanks to living most of my life in a dissociated state, I haven’t had to deal with overstimulation. I would simply switch from one part to the next and avoid having see, hear, or smell whatever I didn’t want to process. Being integrated means experiencing the good and the bad – being present to enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass but also present to get the waft of a garbage can.
I love this perspective offered by Downing:
I could respect my choice as a child to dissociate and survive in the face of overwhelming and ongoing trauma. But I could, as an adult, choose how I wanted to cope now as I remembered the trauma and faced life as a free adult. I COULD CHOOSE AGAIN. ~ Understanding Integration
This has been my experience as well. As I continued to embraced the different parts as “me” and “mine,” I could process the traumas against the backdrop of all of my life experiences versus the limited views that these individual parts had based upon their own limited experiences. I could honor and heal the pain of individual parts while still choosing how to move forward from an adult perspective. The more I healed, the easier this process became.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Thanks for this series, Faith! I´m in the process of integrating and communicating with some of my parts… I found Downing´s article a few years ago and still find it helpful as a reminder, since dissociation tends to make me forget 😉 It´s great to hear how you have worked with yourself, how your healing has and is progressing.
/B.
I sometimes feel guided. Only when I do not listen to those who wish to guide me. Including those who want to guide me to my inner guide or think they have found their inner guide. To me it is intrinsic that anyone who feels or thinks they know how I can find my inner guide has not yet found theirs.
This is not to say that on some level a person can not share how they have found their inner guide. Where it falls apart is when there is a way to find my inner guide that someone else knows. Worse when they imagine they can learn and therefore teach.
I see ice. I do not see the same ice as others will or have, I see my ice. It is helpful to know that others have also seen their ice. What I see is not ice at all it is as close as I can come to knowing what it is when I am not in the place that is not in space and time when I can see the ice. Some see it as bad and call it dissociation and or falsely need to believe it is the cause of my multiplicity.
Thinking outside the box is really just not getting into the box that others build for you. They seem to have a need for me to be in some sort of box. It is their need not mine.
I had a friend yesterday say “When people ask me what is wrong with you I say nothing is wrong with him he is just different.” That is was hurt does not mean anything is wrong with me. Perhaps the only thing is different about me is I am more me than most people are. It is sure not a choice. I can choose to appear to be the same I am different not by choice I can only choose not to express it.
When I read Downing years ago I knew I was not in the box that she was describing. That was helpful. I am glad I did not follow her or I never would have found me.
In a way my multiplicity was trying out many boxes that others would build for me. Some a better fit that others none of them a place I wanted to be.
I read Downing’s article a couple of months ago, and my problem with her method was it’s lack of success. If I remember correctly after she was “integrated” she spent 5 more years in deep depression: not exactly a rousing story of success. Sometimes I think the professional community is so consumed with the goal of integration that they sacrifice the true, deep healing that is first needed in the host and insiders to make the eventual integration a success.
Sam-
Maybe depression isn´t a failiure? Having DID or depression are not the same thing, although one may unfortunatly suffer from both at the same time.
I believe we all heal differently, we are all different individuals… I don´t belive in one way to heal, there are as many ways to healing oneself as there needs to be.
I have been working through melting the ice between the separated parts of my brain and sometimes heart (or soul or spirit or whatever label you’d like) for about 7 years (although 1 yr was just mostly surviving not working “on” anything). I have been so fortunate that along the way I have made two dear friends who are farther along this path than I am. As I am more and more present and less dissociative my challenge has been learning how to walk through a present situation, good or difficult, learning what is a resonable response (I often think I’m reacting wrongly…because I was trained to react to nothing). For example, I’m a stranger to anger because I was never allowed, so I’d dissociate. When I feel anger now…I ask one of those two friends “Is this a normal response to what just happened?” I’m needing to find my way.
Also, dealing with emotion…yikes. A real challenge. Or with overwhelm. Guess I am choosing not to dissociate, but learning what to do instead, this can seem dysfunctional to me, when it’s actually learning to be me.
I had let go of the idea that it would all be peachy when I was “fully integrated.” I’ve learned it will be something even better…I feel…real! And that makes me feel alive.
My first goal has been to be free from internal torment. My second longing was to have a heart that values and embraces love…all of me. My goal hasn’t really been to integrate as much as that every part of me be free from torment and be free to love, be free to be real. But a lot of ice has melted and very little dissociation happens these days. This makes those who know me happier. But what seems good to me is being real and being loving.
Sorry…took a long time to say a little.
Thanks,
ruby
My first goal has been to be free from internal torment. My second longing was to have a heart that values and embraces love…all of me. My goal hasn’t really been to integrate as much as that every part of me be free from torment and be free to love, be free to be real. But a lot of ice has melted and very little dissociation happens these days. This makes those who know me happier. But what seems good to me is being real and being loving. This is beautiful.
Hi, prism.
That IS beautiful. Thanks for sharing! :0)
~ Faith
Dear Member Ruby… I meant to acknowledge your work in my 1st ever post here: You wrote:
“My first goal has been to be free from internal torment.
My second longing was to have a heart that values and embraces love…all of me.
My goal hasn’t really been to integrate as much as that every part of me be free from torment and be free to love, be free to be real.
But a lot of ice has melted and very little dissociation happens these days. This makes those who know me happier.
But what seems good to me is being real and being loving”.
I meant to say I found your words ‘action oriented and beautiful. Thank you. It touched me mate! (I am an Australian)
I have started again on facing this stuff by being encouraged to not be afraid of the occasional obsessive S.H. directives that make me feel so powerless. A Super Support Worker offered the idea of not being afraid.
The OLD Medical Model of Medication had me afraid that syptoms were a ‘warning sign’ to take more medication and be Afraid!!
(I am a 45yo ex teacher just for some background).
I have had some exciting developments by sincerely offering & applying acceptance and inclusion to all parts of me, (whether i know them or not) especially scary dark dis-owned parts, Love and acceptance have made a huge improvement in my access. Fear and Loathing, (dis-owning, denying, neglecting, cringing, rejecting, judging as disgusting repulsive etc. ) do the opposite. Nothing is so wrong in me that it deserves to be dis-owned. That is the perpetrators talking.
I have only recently realised that my ‘staying put’ refusal to follow-thru on obsessive self-harm directives shows enormous strength, when i feel so small/insignificant/irrelevant/voice-less/defenseless, compared to the seemingly huge, loud n powerful ‘OZ’ pain-body/old ego pattern of pain, harping on at me. Wow!
I have started a plan to treat all my parts with respect and politeness, as is what I expect from them. The ‘most scary one’ has been being offered a seat and asked to be comfortable when he stands over me raving/ranting on my left side. He is liking the respect & is suprised by the acceptance. Wow.
Now I feel that some dis-owned parts are honestly feeling welcomed, wanted and thinking about trusting my desire to include & shower them in warm compassion like the Buddha would. The ‘Angry Recalcitrant’ says he has ENERGY to add to my Life~the whole WOW !
I feel the dissociative state can be seductive. I can be reading then relax-space where it is Lucid, fun stuff happens in brilliant colour & you can make stories up & see stuff happen cos u want them to. At these times I think I fall asleep & then the fun stuff turns weird.I have a pattern of 5 hours where I will not ‘wake’ for anything.
The more hidden parts can be tricky. . Recently in a 5hour ‘state’ i was having urgency to be present. I was saying aloud: (in that ‘quasi-dream-state’) “I can feel my feet on the carpet. I can feel the weight on my legs. Now I am standing up and I can feel the weight down my spine. Now i am leaning on the wall. Now I am by the Kitchen light switch.” This dialogue repeated again &again as I was trying to rouse myself out of dissociation from noon to 5pm. I slept fine that night. It was frustrating & I felt really tricked & annoyed the next day. It showed me it didn’t have to berrate me with obsessive S.H. thoughts ( since I have changed my tactics) but can still just put me out cold, where i was trying so hard to be present… and failed. I would love some feed-back about your experiences. with respect & compassion always…
Just wanted to say in aussie Land ( Australia ) I am offered concepts of ‘grounding’ myself to nature, Acceptance and ‘Mindfulness’ to inhibit/discourage dissociating feelings. I like the concepts of mindfulness. Doing it takes a bit of effort !
When i feel triggered/overwhelmed I don’t want to do the body self-awareness stuff. I find grounding by going out in the garden, fresh air and sunshine easier to do, even if I don’t want to.
How about you all?
With respect and compassion always…
Prism,
The most healing thing I do is to dissociate in nature. I open water swim in the summer. I only have to stay present enough to not swim out in the middle of the lake. It is the best.
I paddle and can dissociate well there also. Very healing,
Not dissociating is what causes the problem. Not dissociating is what caused my multiplicity and I expect is really the cause of DID. Memories start to come into the consciousnesses and the body starts to heal through dissociation and people are told to stop. Just as they were told to stop during the trauma.
Dissociation is really organizing ones life into the illusion of oneness that people with out trauma have. Doing in a wakeful state that organizing that would be done in a sleeping state in a non-traumatized body. They way dissociation which is really a state got a bad name is therapists can not handle it. It scares them. So they say stay present.
The more we do not fight dissociation the more I do and the less we need to do so. Go figure. It is easier now as when I dissociate I do not have to deal with memories as much. I dissociated enough over the years so that is not longer the focus.
Hi prism,
Just wanted to say that your post resonated with me and I found it really helpful. I am in Australia too. It’s nice to find other aussies going thru’ similar stuff.
Dawn