I am working through a series on integration from dissociative identity disorder (DID), which begins here. I am using Rachel Downing’s article, Understanding Integration , as a starting point and then building upon what she says with my own experiences.
Downing talks about the challenges of learning to give up dissociation as a coping mechanism. This has been a challenge for me as well. For most of my life, if something really upset me, I could just dissociate it away and not worry about it anymore. Choosing integration means choosing to feel rather than shoving it all back down inside. For me, it felt like being asked to give up a superpower.
Downing viewed continuing to use dissociation as a coping mechanism as choosing to view the world as a hostile place. I don’t really think of it in those terms. Instead, I view choosing to continue using dissociation to get through my life as choosing to continue rejecting parts of myself, which I no longer want to do. Whatever I am feeling, whether I like it or not, is part of **me**, and I don’t want to reject any part of myself.
I have also learned that there is no way to shut down the “bad” feelings without also shutting down the “good” ones. This is one reason I am drinking less wine and taking less Xanax. Both help shut down the feelings I don’t want to deal with right now, but they also suppress my ability to experience joy and the beauty of being alive. Giving up the good is no longer worth it – I’ll just process the harder emotions. I also remind myself that I can deal with the pain today or stuff it down and then deal with it in spades later. I’d rather just get it over with now.
Downing listed the following changes in helping her give up dissociation:
- Stop talking about yourself in the third person.
- Allow yourself to experience internal conflict.
- Examine your trauma-based beliefs.
- Accept negative aspects of yourself.
- Realize that nothing is lost.
I never talked about myself in the third person (as a writer, I saw it as grammatically incorrect), but saying that it was **me** in the flashbacks was difficult at first. It took me a long to time wrap my mind around all of these memories actually happening **to me**.
Experiencing internal conflict was a huge change for me. I used to just dissociate away the conflicts, so different parts would hold different points of view. It took a lot of adjusting for me to become comfortable with having conflicted feelings about a topic.
The example of trauma-based beliefs that Downing uses is recognizing that having feelings isn’t “bad.” I had to work through this as well. My entire family was stoic other than my father’s anger. I thought I was so emotional because I would cry, which seemed quite demonstrative when compared to the rest of my family. I now embrace experiencing emotions.
I have already previously talked about accepting the negative aspects of myself, so I won’t cover that again. Bottom line – all parts of me are “good” because they are “me.”
I fully agree with Downing’s words here about nothing being lost through integration:
There is a kind of paradox with integration. One of the fears expressed by individuals with DID who choose not to integrate is that parts of the self will be lost, disappear, or die. The reality is that after integration the parts of the self are actually closer and more real than ever. The dissociative barrier is gone and the aspects of the self are now experienced directly. ~ Understanding Integration
That’s all I wanted to highlight from the article. Thanks for bearing with such a long series!
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
It is so important to know and there is really no way to know other than experiencing it which is a reason that it many be avoided that nothing is lost in integration, One of us flat out asked as another told her that we were still going to be able to play. She smiled and said yes you are still going to be able to play.
I did read once that a multiple had integrated and lost a style of painting and no longer experienced life fully. I have found that during some periods I feel dull. I know them now to be periods of healing and things were going on that I did not know about. The feeling goes away and then comes back at some later point less intense.
Dell in his book”Dissociation and the Dissociative Disorders: DSM-V and Beyond.” devotes 100 pages to how the word Dissociation is used. Pretty much the term is so ambiguous that it really only has personal meaning. I liken to using it’s God’s will explanation for every thing for the effects of trauma. Don’t understand it call it dissociation you can not be wrong.
Downing does not mention processing trauma so I do not find her credible as a model for me as processing trauma results in integration Just as separate parts existed due to unprocessed trauma so they integrate when I process trauma. . I process trauma and then those events that were not traumatic and viewed through a PTS lens are naturally seen differently.
I always spoke in terms of we. I often got away with it as I always had people working for me I used nicknames and many people still have a nickname for me. Many have two names for me. Often Mike when they want something or want to disrespect me. and Michael when they want to be close. It has just gone away for the most part.
So a repressed memory is not repressed at all. It is stored in the reptilian brains in images, without words or numbers. It sees time in a different way by the sun, the moon and length of days. (seasons). They are immediate and lightning fast.
It is often said that memories were dissociated I am using stored. For me I can not integrate until all memories are no longer stored in the reptilian brains. As a multiple some parts with integrate as their memories that are stored in the reptilian brain. As I write I understand that I was incorrect. the access to repressed memories is through the reptilian brains and different parts of us have different access to the reptilian brain. That is why all do not integrate at once.
There is a process for each of us and each group has to access the reptilian brains and therefore our memory. It is a state and a different state for all groups of us and each of us. Some call that dissociation. It can be a feeling of being spacey etc. It can be sleep walking, sleep driving., nightmares, flashbacks etc. So if that is labeled dissociation then to heal one much dissociate until they no longer have the need.
The reptilian brains uses no words. This does not mean you can not tell it things. It will not answer sooner of later. If you tell it not to dissociate and mean deal with repressed memories it will only listen for a while. Then at some point in the future the memory that the reptilian brain has the key to will be back.
So telling the reptilian brains not to process will only last so long. Total integration what ever that means will not happen until all memories are processed. No matter what you tell it.
I was just again told I am wrong. The traumatic event is stored in the reptilian brain in raw data form and will remain so and cause “symptoms” until it is processed. Symptoms being and expression of what the reptilian brains are experiencing. It is that different parts of us have different access to this raw data.
I have been reading about the ‘mind’ as compared to the brain-the organ.
The mind, our awareness is stored everywhere, even cellular.
If we refer to the movie, “What the bleep do we know” based on Quantum Physics, many scientist and mathematitions explain their understandings of our Reality/awareness/understanding of what it is to be human.
We are more than a bunch of organs. Embrace the whole, the paradox, and suspend judgement.
With much respect and Compassion to all,
Prism,
I once had a “discussion” with a Psychiatrist which ended with I did not say your mind or others mind can not be medicated I said mine can not be. Maybe someones mind can be medicated if they believe it in.
I go with my mind is just fine. My brain not so good.
I go with don’t always be judgmental. Never met a truly non-judgmental person and it seems to be dropped during adversity which is part of life.
You cant live life without being a judgmental person. We have to make judgements everyday in order to survive. But adversity sometimes teaches us that our preconceived ideas were wrong and we judged something wrongly- part of being human. Everyone does it to a certain degree. Judgement is necessary- Motive is what shows the heart.
To me, motive it also is what defines abuse.
Good work Faith.
Very very good.
peace,
m
How do you know if you have integrated one of your parts or if they are hiding, laying low? One time I heard one of my parts say “be quite, she is listening”. I am not getting many memories to process, only the occasional nightmare which wakes me up in total fear before anything big happens.
JMCD,
I have thought some had integrated and they had not at first. For me it is like being in an airport waiting to pick up someone you know well. You may think you see them and be mistaken. You will not see them and be confused they are someone else.
I like waiting for people in airports. I never do not know who they are.
I have read this article by Downing, and some of her stuff I find a bit off. Not saying she is wrong but I find that this is only her perspective on integration, what she experienced. Because of her experienced, I find in her article that she is a bit biased that integration should be this way for everyone with DID.
I found some of the things she wrote disturbing, like she compared DID to being in a wheelchair. That to me is bothersome. I am not in a wheelchair, nor am I incacipated due to my being DID. I live a full, functioning life. She also compared being DID to having an alcoholic parent. From my past experience with an alcoholic parent, I do not find this accurate at all.
She also wrote about learning to deal with the relationship with death. I find this a bit disturbing as well. I really feel that this was her issue, especially with things she wrote later in her article. I personally do not have an issue with death, even though I am DID. I have always felt that we all were born, and one day we all will die.
I also found it disturbing why she felt the need to follow her DID therapist across the country. I get that she had built a lot of trust with her therapist but following her therapist across the country I find a bit unhealthy, and feel that the therapist should have better boundaries.
I’m not saying that what she had to write wasn’t helpful. But when I find too many disturbing things, well I don’t buy too much into what she writes about. I feel that this was her experience, and that she can’t just assume that everyone with DID will experience the exact same things.
Just my 2 cents.
Healing,
As far as I am concerned if you have repressed memories the current model is you first need to admit you have a disorder and need the help of a professional. Then you need to be this way as in DID. How about just terribly hurt as a child that still has an effect and listening to what I want to say.
Lip service is given to well we are all different etc. It is not honored or lived by most therapists nor most people who are DID.
Abandoning cognitive though and intellectual integrity I could mash a few of the groups of us into some semblance of the DID model it would have no value.
It is often written “DID formerly multiplicity” that is incorrect. multiplicity which is rare was eliminated and no longer exists as a DX nor has the understanding evolved nor will it as it is only seen as DID.
I find it ironic is the only people that can not see I am different than other people are therapists and people that are DID. No one knows me long and does not know something different is going on.
Part of the issue is the term dissociation. It can be used to define any human experience or behavior. Mass murderer. They dissociated from the innate understanding that killing people are wrong all you need to add is the cause was childhood abuse. Great athletes they dissociate from their surrounding all which is not important to the task. Therapist who sees DID and can not see multiplicity dissociates from what they do not understand and only sees what meets the DID model.
i seriously have as much in common with singletons as with most that have the DX of DID. Take away processing trauma and I have more in common with singletons. Well some of us do.
I personally am all set as I discovered a way to heal from what can best be described as multiplicity not DID.
I held out hope that trauma specialists had more of a clue. I have all but lost this hope They can only see DID and everyone else is as invisible to them as a person who is DID is to therapist who do not think DID exists.
My personal conflict is I really feel bad for those that are multiple in or out of DID therapy.
Pretty much those with DID and therapists are getting so much attention multiples are discriminated against to the point they can not exist. I am not saying DID does not deserve attention I am saying so does multiplicity.
I expect that anyone who is multiple can design a way to heal if they are not constrained by the DID model. That was true in my case. I did need a relationship with someone who knew I was hurt and did not dissociate when I spoke of the horror that I experienced and did not need to see me as DID.
This is not a worse than thing other than it is harder to find a therapist to work with if you are not DID and are a multiple. I know nothing about DID or not having parts that can function at a high level at any time that is what is best. They only thing that might be similar was when I was over medicated and could not function well for long periods.
All that being said I might move across the county to see my therapist. Then again i am thinking of moving the Ecuador so I can swim outside year round. If she moves to Iceland forget it. Smile.
Thank you for this post, Faith. I’m new to your blog but I appreciate a great deal your willingness to put your experiences into words for others to share. I also love how you talk about *choosing* to heal, *choosing* integration. These aren’t just processes that happen without a great deal of will, endurance, commitment to ourselves and our loved ones.
Thank you.
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It is a shame my previous post was deleted. I did not realise that honesty is monitored 😉 It took allot for me to write that, spending months plucking up the courage, reading these blogs and thinking that I could identify with such a premise as public admonitions. I was wrong, very wrong. A DID sufferer such as myself is not quick to trust and is fast to see the true aspects of those around him .. Thankyou for showing me the duality of Blooming Lotus 🙂 I have been enlightened, as online so in life.. The search continues for truth..
bambooswaysinwind,
I am not speaking for Faith. I have had comments that disappeared and asked Faith if she had deleted them and she had not.
Hi, bambooswaysinwind.
I did not delete your comment. If I had, then your next comment would not have appeared. When I delete a comment, the reader’s next comment automatically filters to the moderator queue. I very rarely delete comments.
~ Faith
Hi, bambooswaysinwind.
Is this the comment you were looking for?
“bambooswaysinwind
Integration seems a long way off.. A dream never to be realised.. My own form of DID is seemingly already integrated into my very existence and core self that I worry that without it I will lose the parts that make me real. I read these blooming lotus posts allot, and am sure that my “alts” read them too, however to invest in any hope seems fairly futile. There is a danger of falling into the victim place that us survivors tend to find comfortable. That place of reflection, self denial and martyrdom, another victory for those that caused the original harm. Sometimes I am grateful that I learned to dissociate, but mostly it is a curse, a burden of living inside an erratic bubble forever timetravelling, never really able to stop and take in the beauty of life. I would like to believe in a healing journey, a hope for the future. My therapist at the DID centre tells me that this affliction is merely a defense mechanism, a product of 10+ years of extreme survival. These words of empowerment and control are the same as ones used in the past to control my every being. I think thats what those sans DID dont realise… All we have ultimately is ourselves, its all we ever had, we had no choice, we were given no other recourse other than death or insanity in the face of compliance and we subconsciously chose another path. Ive been told that I am the ANP in my pantheon of selves. The Abused Non Person label of choice for the integrated masses..”
If so, you posted it to a different blog entry:
https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/integration-from-did-reasons-to-integrate/#comments
Hello friends, Dear BambooSwaysInWind, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think keeping and giving compassion to every bit of light and darkness in ourself ( as a whole ) is important. I don’t understand the significance relevance of a therapist saying you are the ‘abused non person’ (label) of choice for the integrated masses. Please forgive my ignorance. I am from Australia and i have not heard of, or understand this?
Sent with much love and respect.
Prism.. It was a side swipe at labels.. Psychologists treating DID people call the main “controlling” personality an ANP (appearing normal personality) I was changing the label meaning in a pedantic teenage statement kind of way.. I dont think therapist realise that labels can be damaging.. And Faith … Sorry I was wrong 😉