I believe I have shared before that my son goes to school with my ex-friend’s child. (If you need to catch up on the ex-friend drama, you can do so here.) I have also shared that her child told me that my ex-friend was having some sort of medical issue back in February. Yesterday, my son came home from school and said that ex-friend’s daughter shared that her mother **might** have cancer.
Keep in mind that this is hardly a reliable source. The daughter has told me inaccurate medical information about her mother before, such as telling me (back when ex-friend and I were still friends) that her mother was going to have back surgery and be on bed rest for six weeks. It turned out that this was an option but never seriously considered. I also don’t know if “might have cancer” could be confusion over the explanation for the purpose of a mammogram – to “screen for” cancer. So, I am not jumping the gun and assuming the worst case scenario.
Even if ex-friend does have cancer, I have no idea what type of cancer or what stage it is in. I have known people with Stage 1 skin cancer where removing it was not that big of a deal. However, I have known other people with aggressive cancer in the later stages who have had to go through surgery, chemo, and/or radiation. So, I certainly do not take cancer lightly.
I guess the most relevant part for me is whether any of this information changes anything as far as my role (or non-role) in her life and vice versa. She is a single mother with limited support (in part because she drives away those who love her and does not welcome in new friends very often). If she has to deal with chemo or surgery, she doesn’t have a strong support system to help her through it.
Does that change anything with me, though? The compassionate part of myself wants to help her if she is mostly alone and dealing with cancer while the logical part of myself says that my ex-friend’s physical health is irrelevant to the reasons why this friendship ended. The practical side of me says that with school letting out soon, I probably won’t know either way, and I have no interest in investing in that friendship again. I am conflicted about this information.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
This reminds me of how survivors can become conflicted when family members that we have chosen to sever ties with become ill or otherwise fragile. I don’t have any answers, but wanted to share that you are certainly not alone in being torn between logic and compassion.
In my own case, the few times that I have given in to compassion and reached out to my mother during times of grief for her, I have regretted it. In spite of her struggles, she had not changed a bit, and it became clear very quickly that the relationship would have been exactly as it had been when I walked away.
I had to muster the strength to rebuild the wall that she had in a very short time tried to demolish and couldn’t help feeling that it wasn’t worth reaching out.
I hope your situation will be better. Do you have a mutual friend that you could find more out from? I know it’s a difficult situation. It’s because you have such a big heart that you feel the pull to want to support her.
For me when conflicted I am often surprised. I have the feeling of “wait a minute I am done with that.” The conflict is that I am done with part of it yet not completely. Sometimes it feels like doing laundry. I am done with the laundry other than the clothes I have on.
On some level I understand that I never will really be done unless growth of self stops. Again much like laundry. I will not be done until I no longer want clean clothes or someone else does my laundry.
I sometimes leave therapy with the feeling that I am done. I have learned to understand that I am done with part of it and to honor that and celebrate knowing I am not really done and the reality is what will happen is I no longer grieve or process in the context of my therapeutic relationship.
Perhaps you are grieving.
Your writing seems to frame what you think is missing in your ex-friends life and not yours.
One of the ways I find when I’m conflicted like this is to look for ways where I can still show my compassion – for instance if you do learn she truly is dealing w/ cancer and since you know she doesn’t have a strong support system, you can find and have sent to her different program information for people who don’t have a support system.
You don’t even have to be involved, meaning she will never know it came from you, yet you can still practice your compassion without the need to be drawn back into a friendship or pseudo-friendship with her.
Whoa! Great idea…. I like this.
“I have no interest in investing in that friendship again. I am conflicted about this information.” that’s what you said. Read it again… YOU have ( what? )
love and light, what will be will be.
I recently reached out to an old ex-friend who betrayed me 20 years ago. I thought she had surely changed over all these years. No. She’s still the same. Sure enough she tied to move back into my life like gang busters.Thankfully I had a clear understanding of why I made re-contact after all this time and was ready and able to set boundaries. If she tries to circumvent these boundaries, back into the deep freeze she goes.
This situation is pretty clear cut to me. Just because she may or may not have cancer, doesn’t really change anything. She’s not in your life for a reason. You must stay firm in that.
That being said, it hurts me to read this. My best friend “broke up” with me almost 3 years ago, and I am still having an unbelievably hard time “getting over it”. We are both abuse survivors, so as you can imagine, we both have a crap load of issues. It still hurts me because I’m going through something that she could relate to. That she could give me advice on. I would have someone, anyone to talk to. But she has stayed firm on her decision to end our friendship. I don’t think if I was dying that she would change her mind. She has decided this is what’s best for her and she’s sticking to it.
This was essential to her healing I guess, and I’m guessing that not having this person in your life is essential to your well-being. Good luck.
What she said!
Hi Faith,
I had a long term friendship that dissolved over a bitter divorce. About 10 years later my friend had a 2nd go round with cancer that was to be her final. We spoke a couple of times, and I sent some money to help with her medical bills. It was all very sad, but i am very glad to have had a chance to make peace with her and end things as friends. Maybe not as the friends we were but still, there was a peace between us.
Since then I have had some contact with her kids and have been willing to reminisce about their mom. That seemed to be good for all of us. I think I would have regretted not making that first contact. I know every situation is different, and I am thinking of your with yours.