I have been very triggered for the past couple of days, and I think I have finally figured out why. Without going into the details, I read someone’s story about an online abuser purposely triggering someone’s minor alter parts with dissociative identity disorder (DID) to exploit them. This has triggered me about my own experiences (in person, not online).
I have written about my experiences before, which you can read here. I guess I still have more to process about those incidents.
At the time I recovered those memories (I believe it was back-to-back but not at the same time), I was horrified that I had lost time as an adult. It was one thing to recognize that I had memory holes as a child, but as an adult? That was particularly disturbing.
I think reading someone else’s somewhat similar story has triggered me because I have another layer of horror to process – the awareness that I was a walking victim until I integrated my host personality and stopped losing time. Until that happened, I was vulnerable to anyone with knowledge of ritual abuse. I haven’t recovered specifically what trigger word or action the guy at the party used to call out and exploit one of my minor alter parts, but I do know that this person knew about an emotional “button” I had installed in my head that I was completely unaware of. That’s disturbing on so many levels.
A part of me fears how many other times someone “pressed the button” and exploited me as an adult. Another part knows that whether it never happened again or happened 100 more times, I am still **me**, and I am OK. No matter what anyone else did to me and no matter what age I was, I am still the same person today and still have the same value. So, I don’t think that is what is specifically triggering me.
I don’t know. I had very disturbing dreams the first night and took enough Xanax last night to be sure I slept soundly enough not to dream. I have that floaty feeling in my face and a headache, which is what I used to get when different internal parts were triggered. I had a very tough time getting through work yesterday, and I took today off to rest, but I am still feeling off. I want to cry, and my head is killing me.
I know I will be OK, and I am relieved to know that through integration, I have taken back my power so someone cannot just “press my button” and exploit me today. However, the idea that I was that vulnerable for 35 years of my life is really triggering me right now.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Mine are triggered too right now but I am not integrated. Recovering awareness, through younger parts, of what I experienced a long time ago. Haven’t figured out the value part; these thoughts make me want to die.
Sounds like your in another rough spot. So sorry. I hate the feeling of needing to cry and not being able for one reason or another to just release it. Sometimes I think that is what makes my head pound.
Thank you both.
I haven’t experienced that level of triggering in a while. It feels like my head is a revolving door (don’t know how else to explain it), and my brain feels like a fried hard drive. I get a bad headache, and basic movements feel like I am walking through sludge.
I think it helped to write about it last night because I am doing better today — nowhere near 100% but improving. I am taking things at half speed today.
~ Faith
Faith,
I’m sorry you’re feeling triggered and your head hurts. I hope the weekend brings you some rest and clarity… or whatever it is you need to feel better.
Peace,
m
Faith. Re reading some of your story after reading this post.
I just wanted to put it out there that though i did not *know* why and still think there is more to remember ( dont want to ). . I have felt as you did about your mother every blessed single time she would get sick or i would have to take her to the ER yet again for either an imagined or real illness.
She lived with i and my daughter for 5 yrs. I moved my daughter and i to a very small home (no room for the mother). .and she went to live with my sister about 3 yrs ago.
She stillllll lives too close. I still want her entirely out of my life but feel that dam* guilt and obligation. And dont want to leave all of her s**t to my sister to deal with.
However it is immeasurably triggering to myself on levels i didnt even know i had. And to others within who recall some i malanie do not.
I do not *know* how in the he*l i *lived* with her in MY home for 5yrs. . .I know i *existed*. . Ididnot fully then understand WHY i felt so much angertowards her
Hi, Malanie.
It sounds like we have similar situations, only I chose to go, and my sister is the one left holding the bag. :0( Thankfully, my sister completely understands and does not resent me for it. She fully supports my decision to cut all contact with momster (it’s what I needed to heal) and is able to stay close with me even though she is stuck dealing with momster.
From my perspective, momster has access to the same resources she would have if she were childless, so my sister has no obligation to take care of her. My sister’s perspective is that NO ONE should have to grow old alone. It’s not about momster — it’s about my sister being true to herself, which I can respect even though I don’t agree with her.
If you need to move away to heal, do it. I needed this, and I did it. You need to make your own choices, and your sister needs to make hers.
~ Faith
” it’s about my sister being true to herself, which I can respect even though I don’t agree with her.”
Hey Faith,
I know I am parsing words here. I am coming to find that it is all about being true to oneself which is beyond being true to ones experience although not unrelated.
I am finding that it is not really about agreeing unless I am effected.
It is a foggy concept that I am dealing with here. That your sister feels no one should grow old alone and you not wanting to have her in your life to me is not really a conflict in my mind. Two selves being themselves is the way I see it.
Makes my head hurt thinking about it.
Where for me it would be messed up would be if you were to think that she should not be part of your mothers life or she thinks that you should.
Thanks, Michael.
We make it work. We each completely accept the others’ choice. :0)
~ Faith
Continued. Sorry. I hit wrong key.
I did not know WHY i felt such such extreme anger i continually supressed. But every single time she was ill or pretending ill. . I wished her dead.
I feel guilt at that. Yes. But not as much as i once did.
Im tired.
And i do not*owe* her anything.
She is mean. Cruel. Neglectful. Selfish. Told me i was dirty. Wished id not been conceived. How she wanted to abort me. Let my father abuse me. I know she knew. She will never admit it . .I remember. She is jealous of my daughter. .Our relationship and negative towards her. My daughter has very little to do with her.
She i believe. .Is smarter than i. She protects her spirit and self esteem much better by putting negative people out of her life.
People criticize me also. . You should love your mother.
She is a psycho bit*h.
I just wanted you to know. I sure relate to your feelings in the past and present about your mother.
Thankyou for SPEAKING IT.
Hi, Malanie.
I no longer care what other people think about my relationship with my mother. On the rare occasion that someone says, “but she’s your mother” or equivalent, I reply, “Then I guess she shouldn’t have raped me.” That usually shuts them up. LOL
~ Faith
Ps. I kill her in my dreams at times.
It is what it is.
And i speak truth. Break silence.
Finally i am getting really A N G R Y.
I know that is a good thing.
I too. Am sad for this that you are feeling so triggered.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You and your words and site here have been invaluable to me.
I am so proud to know you.
Rest. Breathe. Silence when possible.
You will be in my thoughts.
I feel for ya here, Faith. Knowing someone has the power to press ‘your buttons’ and ‘turn you off’ and someone else on – plus the amnesia – sucks to say the least. I found some of my programming engaging last year as well – big time! and the trainer/handler just kept on pressing buttons . . .
his momma is dead as a result. Nice try, fool, I keep thinking to myself . . . but … the SOB won’t press my buttons no more! LOLing.
I hope you can find time to rest, thinking of you x
disappointed to hear how things are, but sharing the hope that they’re about to get better.
just wanted to observe that (at least how it’s written) you’ve made it sound like others have special knowledge/malevolent intent in triggering you- eg, references to ‘knowing about ritual abuse’. I suspect few people would actually have this sort of skill/knowledge (although I *know* alarmingly many people would willingly exploit someone made vulnerable post-trigger). You are giving them a power over you that they simply don’t have in reality.
In my own experience, I know people inadvertently trip a switch in me, and once detected, will keep going back to it, maximising the efficacy and efficiency of the initial trigger, and often finding new switches in doing so- it’s kinda like the circuits have been primed. (i guess this is how these dissociation responses to ‘real’ abuse were created in the first place?)
thanks for giving a chance to think about this issue- it’s something i’m working really hard on (I don’t know answers, and probably like you, would find it impossible to work out a comprehensive list of triggers to ‘de-charge’- perhaps the answer is not in the trigger(s) but in putting in a fusebreaker for when they get switched?). like i say, don’t have answers, but was strongly motivated to respond saying “don’t assume these people have power/skills that they don’t have”; that knowledge is (somewhere) inside you and you need to allow *yourself* the power of control over it.
Hi, Cat.
Thanks for your response.
Most of the times when I am triggered by ritual abuse (RA) programming, it’s inadvertent. However, in one of the two situations I previously wrote about from college, it was absolutely intentional. I do agree that most people do not know the buttons, but this man at a party did, and I was exploited throughout the party until a friend pulled me out of there.
I seriously doubt that this happened very often to me in adulthood (hopefully that was the only time), but the knowledge that RA made me vulnerable to this was very triggering to me when I wrote this blog entry. I am still dealing with triggers (probably heightened by tonight’s full moon), but they are related to a different issue.
Side note — I do not believe that I am still vulnerable to RA triggers since integrating my host personality. Even if I still have “buttons” that I have not deprogrammed, I no longer lose time, so I would have the ability to choose not to follow the programming. :0)
~ Faith