I talked with an offline friend on Friday who has been along for the ride for several years. She knew instantly that something was “wrong” when she sent me an email about something fun and I didn’t respond. (Yep, she knows me well!)
We got together on Friday afternoon, and I filled her in on what had triggered me. She said she doesn’t think it was only that, and after hearing her theory, I think she is right. She thinks my issue runs deeper – that it’s all about feeling out of control – and that this has been simmering for a couple of months.
Hub has been home on a leave of absence from work for two months (he returns to work this week). Since I work from home, my schedule has been all out of whack (which is one reason I have been so spotty about blogging over the last couple of months). My son’s asthma, which the doctor had hoped he had finally outgrown, flared up on March. I had an endoscopy a couple of weeks ago, where I was put under light sedation (I don’t remember large parts of the rest of the day). All three of these situations have caused so much of my life to feel out of control, and despite how hard I have been working at letting go, it’s still hard.
For me to feel comfortable in letting go, I need to ground myself. I have several tools I use to ground myself, but I have had limited access to all of them over this period. It’s hard to do yoga (deep breathing) when my sinuses and esophagus have stomach acid “burns” in them. It is also hard to have the privacy to do yoga and meditation with hub underfoot. I haven’t been able to stick to my schedule with constant interruptions by hub and multiple doctors’ appointments for my son and me.
On top of that, my illnesses combined with more energy needing to be poured into hub and child have interfered with my connectedness with Sunday School, Bible Study, and spending time with my girlfriends. I am making less money because I cannot do as much work with so many disruptions to my work schedule, so I cannot afford to get a massage or Reiki session (nor do I have the time). I also feel nurtured by blogging, but that’s had to go on the backburner because of all of these other issues.
I am hopeful that hub’s return to work this week will help. My son and I are also taking a trip to the beach with my sister and nephews. I have extended the trip to six days so I have time to unwind with fewer responsibilities.
Photo credit: Hekatekris