I met with my therapist yesterday and feel much better about everything going on in my life. By the time I walked into my therapist’s office, I knew what I needed to do, but I needed his professional opinion to validate that I wasn’t a complete jerk.
What I **wanted** to be able to do was send a simple card to communicate that I care and am thinking about my ex-friend without opening the door to further contact. I don’t think this will be possible in this situation, just as it was not possible either with momster or an ex-friend from high school. In all three cases, the relationship must be on the other person’s terms, which doesn’t leave room for me to define what I want the relationship to be like. Since all three of these people have only given me two choices – my way or the highway – I choose the highway.
My therapist pointed out that I am not “doing nothing.” I made sure the school counselor knew about the situation (she already did from the daughter), and I have prayed. Those are two constructive things that I have done for my ex-friend, and this enabled me to stay true to my own values even when she has painted our relationship into a corner that does not leave me the freedom to send a simple card.
This discussion only took about half of the session, so we talked about the last few months. I have felt so off-balance for all of the reasons that I have already blogged about. My therapist pointed out that so much of my life has been in flux for the past couple of months, which is causing me to feel destabilized. The word destabilized really resonated with me. I haven’t had the alone time to use most of my grounding tools since hub has been home for the past couple of months (he returned to work yesterday), which is likely part of why I have been feeling so out of sorts for so long.
My sister and I are taking a trip together, along with our children, to the beach for several days. We are keeping our return open-ended because we both very much need the break. Trips to the beach typically help ground me, so I am hoping to return focused.
One issue I haven’t blogged about is that I haven’t received any classes to teach for my part-time job in six weeks with no end in sight. I also work a second part-time job that helps with the cash flow, but it’s not as rewarding. I am thinking that perhaps now is the perfect time to start writing the book that I keep thinking about writing “someday.”
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
Destabilized is a great descriptor. The good part is you knew you were and really knew why as well. This is so much better than being tirggered without warning or understanding… even though it must be very unsettling and challenging in different ways.
Good for you for knowing it was time to visit T. You really are way more stable and solid than you may realize overall. Your healing.is palpable and I hope contagious!
Peace,
m
Faith,
The card idea is a lovely one. It communicates care and concern without stepping on any of your boundaries.
I hope you have a wonderful and refreshing trip. Family life can be quite draining even though we love our members dearly.
A book – I have been waiting to hear those words – smile. You have such a lovely way with your explanations – making the complicated simple to understand. I hope you find the time to pursue this endeavor.
Grace
I can really relate to the things you shared about this ex-friend. I’ve had a very similar situation recently where I needed to end an unhealthy friendship. As you said about reaching out now, I feel the same way. I’ve wanted to send her something to let her know I care, but I can’t since that will spark the flame of dysfunction that I’ve been striving so hard to put out. I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you really did the right thing in not reaching again. I am right there with you.