On my blog entry entitled Faith Allen’s Story – Ritual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
well, I guess people who don’t fit your idea of normative gender based on their assigned sex shouldn’t bother getting help from your site. wouldn’t want to trigger you by, y’know, existing. cool. any other groups you have categorical problems with? ~ well then
I responded to this comment as follows:
Hi, well then.
I am assuming you are referring to this comment:
“To this day, transsexuals or anyone who does not display an obvious gender trigger me because, without being able to tell the gender of the person beneath the robe, I had no indication of which form of sexual abuse was coming.”
I do not have any “problems” interacting with people online who are transgender nor with any other “categories” of people. This is a trigger issue for me visually, such as when watching some of the scenes in the movie “Cabaret.” Even when I am triggered, I do not blame the other person or judge the other person for being transgender.
I just saw the movie “Rent” and was initially triggered by one character who cross-dressed. She wound up becoming my favorite character in the movie, but I did have to work through some grounding techniques first. Again, I did not think badly about the character — I was just cognizant of feeling triggered and needing to ground myself.
I can understand why someone might believe that my sensitivity to triggers might meant that I am prejudiced against that group of people or that I might be unwilling to be supportive, but that is not true in my case. I am able to separate out my triggers, which is about me, from other people’s needs and situations, which is about them. :0)
This is an important enough issue that I want to make sure I address it directly for all readers through a blog entry. I can understand how anyone who is in the minority for any reason, whether through race, gender, religion, culture, etc., can be sensitive to any comment that can appear to be critical of being part of a minority group. I freely admit that I am sensitive to comments made about child abuse survivors, such as the inaccurate but widely-held societal belief that all abused children will grow up to be child abusers themselves.
Because I am sensitive to this issue, I recognize that I might presume prejudice in the other person that does not exist. Some people are simply uneducated on a topic, such as this inaccurate comment about child abuse survivors, but truly are not going to judge me because I am a child abuse survivor. I find that most people are simply uninformed and are open to learning the truth – that only a small number of abused children grow up to abuse children.
I have numerous triggers based upon what I experienced as a child. This does not meant that I have numerous prejudices based on my triggers, and I believe this dynamic applies to numerous child abuse survivors who are healing from abuse. As an example, a woman who was repeatedly raped by men but never by women might have many triggers surrounding men without being prejudiced toward all men or rejecting all men outright.
Another one of my triggers is cowboys because one of my abusers was a horseman who dressed in cowboy garb, from the cowboy hat to the leather belt, boots, and spurs. I do not hate all cowboys, nor am I unwilling to be supportive of cowboys on my blog, despite the fact that seeing a cowboy can be triggering to me. I recognize that I am triggered and why, and I take responsibility for grounding myself. I do not categorically hate or reject all cowboys, nor do I avoid visiting places where a cowboy show might be offered for my child to watch.
I apologize to anyone who might have felt rejected by that statement and any other statement anywhere on this blog that might have made you feel like you are not welcome here. Anyone who is healing from child abuse is welcome and supported regardless of any trigger sensitivities that I or other readers might have. I take full responsibility for grounding myself whenever I am triggered, and I do not require readers to pretend to be anything they aren’t in order to receive support here.
Photo credit: Microsoft
Blooming Lotus 
Faith, this is a wonderful post and it addresses a very important distinction. I admit that when I first subscribed to your blog and read through your trauma story, I too felt slightly hurt when I read that section about you fearing transsexuals etc.. I know that my personal reaction to your feelings was obviously not your intent, nor even your doing…people must take responsibility for the way they react to things as best they can. And as a member of a DID system, I fully understand that triggers happen often and yet the overwhelming truth is that *the trigger is not to blame.* I am thrilled to see that you have written on this topic, because it’s something that all survivors must assess for themselves. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi, bunchofpeople.
Thank you very much for your comment. I was a bit nervous about how this blog entry would be received.
~ Faith
I am prejudiced and do not know anyone who is not. I try and not be a bigot in that I try to allow my perceptions are incorrect.
Here is the thing, One of the most violent psychopath that I had to deal with dressed as a cowboy. In New England I have yet to meet anyone who wears cowboy boots who is not a jerk. Not my fault. If I do I believe I am able to see the person is not a jerk.
In my opinion all people have a hard time when people do not meet their expectations. I am known to some as an engineer. They have a hard time accepting I am an abstract artists. Those that know me as and artist have a hard time knowing I am a competent engineer. Some artists can only see me as an engineer and expect me to someday become a realest.
I have long hair. Some people see me as a pacifist. I am a good man in a bar fight and am of the opinion that if you beat the crap out of a bully that makes them go away and ignoring them does not.
I am meeting with a local town official this morning to review my work. I expect arrogance and incompetence. If there is something else to be found I will find it. That is as good as it gets.
I have developed a way to deal with all this prejudice. Mostly stay away from people who can not get over their original perception. I have may lines that I say. Most often. “The concept that women know more about what it is like to be a man does not fly with me.” With many professionals “I think the problem is you are assuming you are the smartest person in this room and I see not reason to believe that is true.” My experience has taught me this is not helpful with attorneys as having them think they are the smartest person on the room is to big an advantage to give up until I have to.”
I find the comment by well-then to be bigoted and not outside my experience with those that express “normative gender not based on their assigned sex” Pretty much seemed to be anger directed at Faith that she did not deserve and that is never OK with me.
The initial comment kind of annoys me to be honest. I have massive problems with my own gender, because as a child I had to assume that all women were rapists and/or sadists of another kind; whether as a direct result or not (and there may be other reasons, I’d just be a fool to think that didn’t feed into it) I have explored genderqueerness, though I still don’t know if that’s me. If someone else is triggered by someone’s gender, obviously I understand, even if it’s because they judge me to be “a woman”, which is very upsetting to me. Provided they admit that that’s what’s going on, of course.
Someone else is allowed to be triggered by me, that’s ok. I am allowed to be triggered by them being triggered, if applicable, that’s ok too. Lashing out, not so much.
From the explanation of why you got triggered, Faith, I’d say it would be fairly obvious that it applied to the offline rather than online world. I am interested that this is the case for you, and that it doesn’t happen just visually either, as these are both true about my problem with women. I have wondered whether it’s some kind of pheremonal thing, because it only happens when someone female is in my physical presence.
Jan,
“pheremonal thing” totally strikes a chord! would explain a lot! also for me its easier if there are men around, too. being in a room with only females is hell. it never occured to me it could be due to pheromones.
Really? I’m so glad if that makes sense to you too. There’s been a lot of controversy over pheromones, but from the little research I’ve done it appears that they do exist and do allow us to tell biological sexes apart on a very subconscious level. I haven’t looked much at how that relates to transgendered/androgynous people, but I do wonder if they differ in the amounts of the different types they give off and thus are confusing to anyone with a hangup about one or more gender/s (which obviously is down to the hangup for existing, not to the ambiguously-gendered person, I just want to restate that). (I’m a big supporter of the spectrum model of gender, ironically, but I don’t think the existence of pheromones necessarily contradicts that; more research necessary I think!)
I kind of light up if a man appears in a group where there are only women. Unfortunately because I’m technically female and attracted to men people tend to think it’s a sexual or attention-seeking thing, when really I just feel like I’m less likely to be tortured or killed :). I have to laugh at how absurd that sounds, but it was a sensible conclusion once upon a time…
controversy? my immune-system can smell it from across the room so no controversy for me;)
yes, the attention-seeking thing…for me was part of the truth but only the less substantial part. the more substantial part:
“…when really I just feel like I’m less likely to be tortured or killed 🙂 ” logical and sane and its how I feel, too 🙂
Faith this was really good of you to bring up. Personally I understand what you meant in the original comment and I understand that prejudice was not a factor. Triggers happen and that doesn’t mean we hate the group associated with it. No one should judge for your triggers, it’s like blaming you for what happened, which I find lacking in compassion.
I’m African-American and yet I have issues with African-American men because in my life as a child they weren’t safe. How weird is that? To be uncomfortable around your own race? Do I hate them? No way! I just realize that I have to get to know each man first, then it’s cool. I’ve made friends with many black men that way. It doesn’t change my discomfort as a whole but it doesn’t stop me from getting to know people either.
People act like we’re not allowed to feel this way, but we are and it doesn’t mean prejudice. It’s not our fault if something or someone triggers us and we can only deal with it the best way we can for where we are mentally, emotionally and psychologically.
Faith, what an important and insightful post. Thank you for voicing this distinction between triggers and prejudices, because it is so very hard to explain this distinction to anyone without trauma issues. You have put simply into words a topic which is vital to achieving understanding between different groups.
Hey Faith,
I see what you are saying and I also see what Micheal is saying as well.. I think we all have our prejudices based on our experiences and observations and numerous times of being proven “right” in our expectation/ or outright conditioning…. which just adds to the reinforcement of the prejudice…. However, I do agree with you that just because we may be triggered by someone/something does not mean that we are against that person or thing or blame/judge them for just being who/what they are. We just have to be honest with ourselves and deal with the “trigger” symptoms till we’re grounded again.
Let’s face it, abuse survivors are an overly sensitive group. (Not without good reason, mind you, but never the less…) People are triggered and or offended at the drop of a hat at times. Sometimes there is no warning, even for the person triggered, much less the trigger-ie. I think part of this is a lesson in just trying to be more gentle with ourselves and each other. Realize that we have all suffered along our journey. Sometimes in similar ways, sometimes in very different ways.
We all need to try hard to be mindful of that and not go off on someone or assume you know what they mean by something that triggers us before checking it out. (Most especially if the person in question is an abuse victim themselves) I mean if we can’t respect and be gentle with ourselves and other abuse victims… then we are going to alienate the very people that are our strongest allies, and lay more hurt on people who don’t deserve it.
Great post as always.
Peace.
m
As a gender-non-normative person myself, I appreciate the thoughtfulness of this reply. I remember reading the first post when I read through your story, and feeling slightly anxious about it but also getting the sense that you were describing your own fears and not making a value judgment about other people. It’s always tricky when you’re part of a stigmatized group, and I really appreciate your empathy in this post as well as your detailed explanation. And, I would say that I’ve never felt my gender to be a barrier in getting support & insight from your blog.
Hi, mcr.
Thanks so much for your response. I am relieved to hear that you understood where I was coming from and that my triggers were not about rejecting anyone. :0)
~ Faith
If I were male, one could call me misogynistic. Being female myself, well, …Im only prejudiced. depending on whether one can be prejudiced when it comes to one’s own gender. Knowing that its a deep-seated hate towards one single being who happened to be female I strive to see beyond the female and see the human being in everyone I meet. that way I can get triggered without taking it out on unsuspecting females.
Its not about getting rid of all my prejudices but knowing them well so when they strike I am aware and can CHOOSE my course of action.
Well then’s comment seems to have come from a place of deep hurt and anger on a fundamental level, which Faith happened to touch upon. which is neither her fault nor well then’s. Well then’s comment highlights how our perceptions shapes our experience. and what happens when we get triggered and are not aware of it. we take it out on other people. had well then not been triggered s/he might have inquired how Faith meant it and that s/he felt uneasy with the transgender example Faith had given. S/he would have not assumed that Faith meant her/him personally , and instead asked her to clarify. If I had been in Faith’s situation I, in turn, would have gotten totally triggered by such a response because I still believe that people never understand me and always get me wrong and a comment like this would have totally set it off. as Faith said , taking responsibility for our triggers, means ,we can act from a place of empowerment( vs victim-mode) even when triggered.
“Knowing that its a deep-seated hate towards one single being who happened to be female I strive to see beyond the female and see the human being in everyone I meet. that way I can get triggered without taking it out on unsuspecting females.”
That’s kind of my strategy too. It was only once I accepted that it was ok for me to be triggered (or terrified, or however one wants to put it) that I stopped hating all women; maybe it acted like a pressure valve, I don’t know. I am only thankful that I am heterosexual; I don’t know how I would have turned out if I’d been attracted to women as well as feeling all of this. Despite it causing a few smaller problems, that does make me feel quite lucky.
I am thankful, too! just so confusing! I went like, hell, I wouldnt know if I were homosexual cos I hate all women. I didnt know what I was because I was everybody to anybody. now I know because I understand myself but prior to that I could have been lesbian and not be aware of it! and I also came across a quite disturbing taboo within the lesbian community concerning feminine lesbians. being feminine AND a lesbian is apparently quite an issues for some, in that it triggers their prejudices as to how a lesbian is supposed to be and behave. get that! anyway, veering off topic, it just surprised me to find inter-gender hostility in that place.
My first abuser was female – my mother! – so I express views that may seem misogynistic to the unaware (i.e. disgusted by female reproductive organs and pregnancy). However, others may perceive me as misandrist (i.e. angry about institutional sexism and male privilege in the workplace), because my rapist and the bullies/harassers in my adult life were all male.
Being bisexual, I am attracted to men and women, whether cis- or trans-gendered. However, I am ironically only attracted to individuals on the more feminine side of the spectrum. My husband dresses androgynously at times and has long hair. And the women I’ve dated were all high femmes as well.
To Reality Strategy’s point, it is difficult to be a femme seeking other femmes in the lesbian community – and worse, some view you as contaminated if you’ve ever been with a man. So while I am equally attracted to men and women, I wound up marrying another bisexual man because I found it to be less hassle. Some women-seeking-women would call me a sellout, traitor, fake bisexual, or in the closet. I am none of those things – I married the person who loved me enough to be with me for life, and as a child abuse victim, finding that person is even MORE difficult!
Good post for me as well as the comments.
I did want to mention that when I read the original post it did not effect me at all and I did not notice anything. Perhaps I just knew where Faith was coming from having read so many of her posts.
I kinda have a scale of peoples ignorance and prejudices. It is how hard they fight to keep them. I say Oh I did not know that a lot.
I had to look up pheromone. So think you for that.
“The number of people that share a prejudice increases its power without effect on its accuracy.” Michael.
Last winter I started working with limit of understanding. I met a Psychologist who worked in a wealthy school system. If you tell her your birth order, gender and heritage you have reached her level of understanding. She believes her understanding is complete. Pretty much any thing that does not fit her understanding is invisible to her. Thing is it always will be.
After 8ish years of healing there is not much I attribute to the trauma I experienced. Much of this is I do not have a PTSD body in the same way I used to before I processed the trauma. It is not that the trauma had no effect it is who I am is the result of how I experienced the trauma not the trauma itself. I will never like injustice it is no longer like it is happening to me.
As always this may be a temporary thing. I have been out of therapy for close to a month. We will see when I go back to therapy.
I think it’s been good for me too; I didn’t realise I had so much to say, but clearly I have. Your above point about people forming expectations resonated with me, partly because it’s behaviour that I find triggering. What interests me about the obsession some people have with categorising others is that it doesn’t work as any kind of shortcut. They must screw up *so* many times having assumed things that they cannot possibly know. I guess categorisation provides them with a kind of emotional security, but at such a cost I wouldn’t want it. Never at the expense of knowing the truth.
Amen. 🙂
Hi, Michael and all.
Re: “If you tell her your birth order, gender and heritage you have reached her level of understanding.”
Veering off topic here, but I find it interesting when people believe they can categorize solely based on birth order. My son is an only child, which tends to be lumped together with the oldest child, but he would have been the youngest child if he had not been placed for adoption (he has birth siblings). So, I wonder how someone would categorize him.
His behavior is actually more in-line with the stereotypical youngest child. I don’t know how you can categorize an adopted child who was born into one birth order but adopted into another. Which is supposed to trump the other — nature or nurture?
~ Faith
Models are very useful how they are used is typically bogus. “There is not such thing as a good mathematical model only those that are useful.” Ericsson the father of modern statistics. Now if only logical fallacies were required in education. Will not happen much to dangerous for the academic delusions. Gotta keep those checks coming until people figure out education follows prosperity it never causes it.
I am trying to understand the meanings behind all the comments I have read on this thread, and at the risk of sounding prejudiced, I think this topic thread may be unique to the colonies or New world areas of the planet. Therefore I am not about to comment on the immigrant nature of those nations for fear of being lambasted due to lack of knowledge in the area.
However I do find this sums up my views..
Personally living in england as a Welsh/Portuguese/Amazon Hybrid at 6ft 4 and being given the nickname “Pocahontas” by my welsh father I feel that DID aside, acceptance is very difficult for me to achieve. To tall and white for one side, to brown and foreign looking for the other is the cross that the multi racial/Multi personaility person acclimatises too. Concerning interaction and religion, I was unfortunate to witness terrible crimes in the name of christian religion, both to myself and others around me and it has put a dim view on religious activities.
However, I must define a difference betwix religion and Faith (The ritual not the person). I believe faith is extremely important and I can see how all religiousness can create an unshakable undoubtable form of faith (Regardless of how spiritually hollow) I personally dont care if you worship God or the power rangers as long as you dont use the reliqious ideals and codes of conduct to your own ends.. I realise this is a rather random Rant.. and for that I apologise ..
Regards, Bamboo
Your story reminds me of a class I took this past year. It was called Chicano/a literature and our goal was to explore what being Chicano/a actually meant. Contrary to the wikipedia articles on this topic and popular misconceptions, Chicano/a does not have to just refer to Mexican-Americans, rather, to be Chicano/a is to live in a society in which you live on the boundaries between classifications. It is to look at a survey asking you to check a box for your race, gender, or family and not knowing which to choose. You are in good company if that is any help at all 🙂
As an aside.. Reading all these posts objectively I see a group of persons espousing their personal boundaries, be they Physical, Religious, Moral or otherwise. Its good to stand up for things, as abused persons we often lack the ability to establish boundaries or are too boundary filled in the first place. I myself even find the act of writing about this stuff in an anonymous blog quite heart rendering, but can see the point of what my mind tells me are soft skills (horribly prejudiced label). I have a question tho.. “Does having DID render any and all of your opinions null and void and not of any notable value with the people who know of your condition because they know that another alternate version of yourself is more than likely to have different opinion on the subject??” This is my experience, since being diagnosed nothing I say has any worth to those that know i have DID.. Classic prejudice or truth ??
I think it’s very ignorant for people to *assume* that other parts of you will have different opinions. It’s not for them to say. Some people’s other parts have different opinions, some people’s don’t. Viewing everyone diagnosed with the same condition as being the same and having the same experience is a blight on the mental health profession.
Re. your points about geography: I’m Scottish, but the people who brought me up are both English, so my accent isn’t enough one or the other for many people’s comfort. I was already alienated enough without that, frankly. I don’t like generalising about New World nations, since they get a tough ride from some people in the UK anyway, but I’ve no connection to them barring some very close friends (made in adulthood) from North America, if that helps.
I forgot to mention I am triggered by Christians because of religious abuse. But also because as a sexual assault victim, and someone who cannot healthily carry an unwanted pregnancy, people who are against abortion even in cases of incest, rape, or danger to the mother, frighten and disgust me. This is by virtue of their interest in taking my control over my entire existence away from me, and their arrogance in telling me only they have the right to decide what I do with my body and my life. My abusers have done this, and I cannot afford to experience it ever again.
That terrifies me too. I thought I was pregnant by the guy who raped me when I was 19 because my periods stopped completely. Turns out it was just the stress. I wouldn’t have been able to carry it to term if I had been though; if abortion wasn’t legal I would have resorted to something drastic, I know. Apart from anything else I didn’t get a conviction, so a child could have tied me to him, and I couldn’t have lived with that.
Jan,
Different parts with no separate opinions is a new one for me. How does that work? What makes the parts separate?
I had do look up New World Nations. Did not even know I was in one. Smile. I had head of it only when studying things from a historical perspective. Am US by the way.
They could be different ages, different genders; just because they thought similar things wouldn’t mean they *were* similar things. I should clarify though that I was talking about contrary opinions ie. ones where someone outside might think that one invalidates the other. Though even then I think that’s for the individual to say rather than someone outside. Other people’s perspective can be interesting and helpful, but I wouldn’t be willing to accept someone saying that a third party’s opinion doesn’t count just because another part of them disagrees.
Or “one of a third party’s opinions doesn’t count just because there are more of them”. Oh the limitations of this language. I’ve never been great with grammar anyway.
I am the wife of Mr Bamboo and would like to say that I am one person that will say that other parts said something different and therefore I have to choose what we’re doing. Eg. If we are driving to therapy (I am driving) and one state gets in car and says ‘Lets go’ and halfway through 2 hour journey another appears, grumpy that we’re going and says ‘go home’, what do I do? Drive to and fro up and down the motorway all day? Or make a decision? I choose to make a decision.
Any ideas gratefully received though as I realise it’s not ideal.
I’m sorry to hear that it causes problems like that, Ms Bamboo. I’m sure you’ve tried something like this already, but would it be possible for, say, Mr Bamboo 1 to leave a note for Mr Bamboo 2 to explain why it is necessary for himself to get to therapy and asking 2 to help by letting him go, maybe promising 2 some time later? My only idea of how to approach problems like this is to liken it to when one adult has the care of 2 or more children for an afternoon and has to take one of them out somewhere, meaning the others have to come too as they can’t be left alone; I’d go with a mixture of explanation, reassurance and bribery. I don’t mean any of this to sound disrespectful; children are just people after all. In fact, although there is a little traffic between the parts of my mind, I do take this approach with myself. If part of me desperately doesn’t want to go somewhere that I have to go, I can get stuck and unable to leave the house if that part feels it’s not being listened to. If I/it writes out how I/it feel/s and I keep that piece of paper on me when I leave, it feels more like all of me is getting a say.
I should say that my above comments refer to the possibility of contradictory opinions, not contradictory needs and wants. Apart from anything else, contradictory practical needs are likely to come up much more often than differing opinions, and so other people are more likely to know for certain whether there will be a problem rather than making assumptions. I don’t think that knowing that another part of a third party feels differently is the same as assuming that they will.
[…] my blog entry entitled Getting Triggered versus Having a Prejudice, a reader posted the following comment: I have a question tho.. “Does having DID render any and […]