Archive for July 30th, 2012

This is a difficult series for me to write, but I need to do it to help me process what has been going on with me this year. I am not sure how long this is going to take me, but I need to get it out.

My mother/abuser (momster) triggered programming in me to get me to return to her (and presumably the cult). Thankfully, I have healed enough not to have followed the very strong internal pull, but the fact that I remained this vulnerable – after over nine years of healing and very limited contact with her – is sobering.

If you suffered from ritual abuse, be very, very careful about maintaining ANY contact – no matter how limited – with anyone who was involved in your abuse. Don’t assume that the person is too old, stupid, or crazy to be a threat to you. My recommendation (especially after my experience) is to cut off all contact completely, no matter how innocent the contact may seem. Don’t put yourself at risk. If I can be blindsided by dormant programming after all of the healing work that I have done, anyone who has been under the control of ritual abusers also is potentially vulnerable. Err on the side of being safe.

Before I continue, let me assure you that I managed to fight the programming off, but I have been in emotional turmoil for months. It has been months since I have gotten eight hours of sleep in a night (I have been living off 4-7 hours of sleep each night). I have struggled with severe insomnia, waking multiple times a night to a pounding heart despite taking various over-the-counter and prescription medications that historically have helped me sleep. I have been overwhelmed with anxiety, and many of my “tics” have returned – anxiety-driven behaviors that have not been a problem for a long time.

I am proud of myself for not giving in to the programming, but I am dealing with many other emotions – anger at my mother firing a loaded (emotional) gun at my head, surprise at my mother being smart enough to know how to trigger the programming, fear at the reality that I remain vulnerable to programming even after years of intensive healing work, confusion over how to discuss this situation with my sister (who continues a relationship with momster), and trepidation over writing this series because by doing so, I am strapping an emotional bomb to the programming and blowing it to pieces.

A traumatized part of myself (alter part) is scared to death that I am writing this series because the programming is to quietly return and not discuss this “desire” with anyone. By blogging about this experience, I am shouting “the secret” from the rooftops and calling my ritual abusers’ bluff. I am unwilling to obey, and this series is my way of telling my ritual abusers to f@#$ off. I hope to feel empowered through this process – right now, I just feel physically ill.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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